Writing your Own Script

 

Image from Prophsee Journals
on UnSplash. 

I never found it easy to write my own script.

Sure, I could blame my gender issues on my problems but not all. I discovered very early in life I did not possess many of the dominate male traits to be a complete success as a man, so where was I to go. For example, I could not blame my lack of athletic prowess on my being a cross dresser. I was just not that good of an athlete. When I was on the football team, I wanted to be a cheerleader. They seemed to be having all the fun while I was getting beat up by a faster and stronger opponent.

Rather than setting out to write a new script as a cross dresser or young transgender girl, I internalized my script which turned out to be the worst move of all. I had nowhere to go or no one to turn to for help with writing my girl’s workbook. No sleepovers with other girls my age for ideas of how to be feminine.

I was stuck. I could not live either life I was in. I made a less than adequate male as well as a cross dresser who had nowhere to go in public. Plus, it would be years before I could go out of my closet and test the world. Once I did, I was very much a dismal failure. My earliest attempts at Halloween glory ended up with compliments on my legs but not much else, and the biggest problem was I needed to wait a whole other year before I could escape my gender closet again. I kept dropping my pen when I was trying to write. All I really knew was I was a male by default. Having been born into a gender I never liked.

On the rare nights I was able to escape and sample the public, often I could not read or follow the notes I had hastily scribbled down. And another problem I had was I was making a deep dive into being a transfeminine person so rarely, I could not remember what I was doing right or wrong. Even still, I did the best I could as I still obsessed with the brief moments of gender euphoria I experienced. Occasionally, I could see my gender dream was possible and I kept on writing. Chapters began to appear such as presenting as a woman with confidence and communicating with the world as a new me.

I was pleasantly surprised when I could read and react to the new chapters and attempt to keep them from invading my everyday life. It was impossible for me to walk around the majority of the time wondering how it would be to experience the world as a transgender woman. I was never good at self-control, and it was showing if I was not careful. Primarily with my wife who knew I was in my gender zone and resented it for the most part. She was too smart to listen to or believe my excuses about what I was really thinking about. As time moved onward, I became better at hiding my writing from her. Or so I thought. In reality, she saw our life slipping away to another woman (me) she could not control. In return, I resented her for being a strict feminine gatekeeper who would rarely let me behind her gender curtain by telling me I was not ready.

She was right. I was not ready at that time, but I was gaining fast regardless of her misgivings. In the midst of many ill-advised moves which jeopardized our long term, twenty-five-year marriage, I was making other moves which were proving I could make it to my lifelong dream of living as a transgender woman. More importantly, I was reading my writing clearly and the results felt so natural.

I also discovered writing your own script could be very messy and selfish to do. Many times, my wife and my male self-ganged up on me with fear tactics on what could happen if I transitioned. Many fights later, I finally prevailed by default when she unexpectedly passed away, leaving me alone with my writings. I cleaned up my mess and prepared to live out the rest of my life as a full-time transgender woman.

I think my lifetime of experience writing a new gender workbook for myself proved to be a worthy accomplishment. Once I understood where it was coming from. There was nothing wrong with me as I learned to navigate a new world I was just getting used too. It just took me awhile to catch up with the rest of the cisgender women who had a head start on me. I just achieved my womanhood from another path which is the topic of another blog post altogether.

 

 

Another Look

 Recently I wrote a post concerning the rash of anti transgender bills around the country. Especially Florida's so called "Don't Say Gay" legislation. Through out the post I didn't even mention the backlash against transgender athletes. The cases in so many states against the athletes are so ridiculous because the legislation is started and backed by politicians who have never met a transgender person in their lives. Plus, even rarer is the person who has gone through, or is going through hormone replacement therapy and knows the drastic changes HRT can cause to the body. I know in my case, subtracting the testosterone and adding synthetic estrogen has had a dramatic effect on my strength and muscle mass.

Lia Thomas. Trans swimmer

I never was a completive swimmer but I can only imagine the differences hormone replacement therapy would have on my overall performance.  Of course none of that seems to matter to the gender bigots who are fighting to keep transgender athletes from competing. Where it all will end is anyone's guess. 

As it turned out, trans athletes weren't the only part of the equation I missed. Here is Connie's take on the subject: 

"Those of us who belong to the genus, Transasaurus Wrecks, are not given much attention these days. Other than bathroom bills that usually fail to become law, there are not many of these legislations that pertain directly to us. Of course, this doesn't mean that we are not affected by what is trying to be done to young trans people.

For a while, after hearing stories of young trans people who are comfortable in declaring their gender identity and who have accepting parents and schools, I was so envious and happy for them. I couldn't have even thought of being able to do that at their age. However, despite the pain of growing up thinking I was some kind of freak, I don't know that I could have lived with having such freedom, only to have it then taken away (or even having to live with the threat of it being taken away). In fact, even at my advanced age, I know that I would end my life, rather than have to go back to living a male existence. Long-term care facilities scare the hell out of me. I suppose I might do as my mother did over the last year of her life, rationing morphine so that she had a stockpile large enough to kill an elephant. She didn't want to go to a nursing home to die, either, although not exactly for all the same reasons as I do.

Along with what you said about the cat out of the bag, the same applies to us individually as it does for us as a community."

Thanks for the comment!  As you regular readers know, I also am scared to death of being forced into an unforgiving gender situation in a nursing home. Being placed in a situation of going back to living as a male may drive me to a morphine solution also. 

In the meantime, I have a lot of living to do and this week which contains the "Transgender Day of Visibility" means a lot to me. Tomorrow I am one of a very few volunteers to help my Transgender - Crossdresser support group during the formal observance. It's my chance to be visible and take another look at the trans community around me.

Heavy Weight Transgender

 On August 2nd, New Zealand's "Laurel Hubbard" will become the first out transgender athlete to participate in an Olympics. However, being able to compete has not come without it's challenges. 

The International Olympic Committee's medical chief has praised New Zealand transgender athlete Laurel Hubbard's bravery as a trailblazing athlete at the Tokyo Olympics.

Hubbard will become the first transgender athlete to compete at an Olympics when she starts in the heavyweight 87+kg category on Monday, a milestone Richard Budgett says is scientifically and morally justified.

Hubbard's participation has been a controversial topic. Australia's weightlifting federation tried to block Hubbard from competing at the 2018 Commonwealth Games, a ploy that was rejected by organizers, while British television personality Piers Morgan said her selection and approval was a "disaster for women's sport".

As you can imagine, there is much more.