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| Image from Prophsee Journals on UnSplash. |
I never found it easy to write my own script.
Sure, I could blame my gender issues on my problems but not
all. I discovered very early in life I did not possess many of the dominate
male traits to be a complete success as a man, so where was I to go. For
example, I could not blame my lack of athletic prowess on my being a cross
dresser. I was just not that good of an athlete. When I was on the football
team, I wanted to be a cheerleader. They seemed to be having all the fun while
I was getting beat up by a faster and stronger opponent.
Rather than setting out to write a new script as a cross
dresser or young transgender girl, I internalized my script which turned out to
be the worst move of all. I had nowhere to go or no one to turn to for help
with writing my girl’s workbook. No sleepovers with other girls my age for
ideas of how to be feminine.
I was stuck. I could not live either life I was in. I made a
less than adequate male as well as a cross dresser who had nowhere to go in
public. Plus, it would be years before I could go out of my closet and test the
world. Once I did, I was very much a dismal failure. My earliest attempts at
Halloween glory ended up with compliments on my legs but not much else, and the
biggest problem was I needed to wait a whole other year before I could escape
my gender closet again. I kept dropping my pen when I was trying to write. All
I really knew was I was a male by default. Having been born into a gender I
never liked.
On the rare nights I was able to escape and sample the
public, often I could not read or follow the notes I had hastily scribbled
down. And another problem I had was I was making a deep dive into being a
transfeminine person so rarely, I could not remember what I was doing right or
wrong. Even still, I did the best I could as I still obsessed with the brief
moments of gender euphoria I experienced. Occasionally, I could see my gender
dream was possible and I kept on writing. Chapters began to appear such as
presenting as a woman with confidence and communicating with the world as a new
me.
I was pleasantly surprised when I could read and react to
the new chapters and attempt to keep them from invading my everyday life. It
was impossible for me to walk around the majority of the time wondering how it
would be to experience the world as a transgender woman. I was never good at self-control,
and it was showing if I was not careful. Primarily with my wife who knew I was in
my gender zone and resented it for the most part. She was too smart to listen to
or believe my excuses about what I was really thinking about. As time moved
onward, I became better at hiding my writing from her. Or so I thought. In
reality, she saw our life slipping away to another woman (me) she could not
control. In return, I resented her for being a strict feminine gatekeeper who
would rarely let me behind her gender curtain by telling me I was not ready.
She was right. I was not ready at that time, but I was
gaining fast regardless of her misgivings. In the midst of many ill-advised
moves which jeopardized our long term, twenty-five-year marriage, I was making
other moves which were proving I could make it to my lifelong dream of living
as a transgender woman. More importantly, I was reading my writing clearly and
the results felt so natural.
I also discovered writing your own script could be very
messy and selfish to do. Many times, my wife and my male self-ganged up on me
with fear tactics on what could happen if I transitioned. Many fights later, I
finally prevailed by default when she unexpectedly passed away, leaving me
alone with my writings. I cleaned up my mess and prepared to live out the rest
of my life as a full-time transgender woman.
I think my lifetime of experience writing a new gender
workbook for myself proved to be a worthy accomplishment. Once I understood
where it was coming from. There was nothing wrong with me as I learned to
navigate a new world I was just getting used too. It just took me awhile to
catch up with the rest of the cisgender women who had a head start on me. I
just achieved my womanhood from another path which is the topic of another blog
post altogether.
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