Living in Her World

 

Photo Compliments of Raquel who said I 
passed out of sheer will power,

Naturally, when I decided to go down the path of undertaking a Male to Female gender transition, I encountered many unexpected obstacles. 

You regulars to my writing know I often mention quite a few walls I had to climb such as perfecting some sort of an appearance which I could present as well as possible in the public's eye. Often the best compliment I could go on was when a transgender woman friend of mine told me I passed out of sheer will power. In other words, to me, she meant I just went all in the public's eye doing the best I could with what I had to work with. To this day, I remember the comment. 

Once I conquered the appearance aspect of presenting in public as a woman the hard work started. Living in her world just began to become serious and more difficult. It was about this time I began to compare the process to being able to play in the girl's sandbox. I knew again I would have to do it out of sheer will power. At the time, I couldn't afford or have the willpower to undergo any facial feminization surgeries, so what the other inhabitants of the sandbox saw with me would be what they got. Many days and nights I would just have to rely on my inner feminine self to get by.

The problem was, my inner self, even though she was feminine, was still learning too. We both had to learn the power of passive aggression which even extended to severe backstabbing from more than a few of the women I encountered. I can't tell you how many times I came home wounded by claw marks on my back. In a relatively short time I began to understand more and more on how different living in her world was going to be. My prime example was when I was told I was a good looking woman, the person (woman) who was saying it was really thinking, for a man. Slowly but surely I overcame all of that and developed a very uneasy confidence of my ability to build a life as a transgender woman. 

Through a series of unexpected happenings, the doors seemingly opened wide and my dream of living as a trans woman finally happened after a half a century of working towards a goal. At that time. it became evident it was time to turn what was left of my old male life over to my inner feminine self who had waited so long to see the light of day. My gender roles flipped flopped increasingly when  I had to cross dress as a man, I felt completely out of place, I was ready, willing and able to give up all the male privileges I had built up over the years to live in her world.

The final push turned out to be the hardest of all. When I needed to discard or donate all my male clothes and begin to acquire a feminine wardrobe to live daily, it was a big step. All of a sudden, the whole process of cross dressing became a game I needed to quit. I could no longer run for cover in my sometimes comfortable old male life. I was able to do it though and have never looked back. I found I never missed anything at all. 

Wish List?

It's fairly obvious to me that I won't benefit from the "Caitin Jenner" no expense spared transition fund-  so, what would be mine?
Actually, it's a very simple "short list"

1. I want my HRT estrogen back. Maybe very possible. Soon.
2. .Breast augmentation-before next summer.
3. Facial feminization surgery in some form.

Truthfully, the only way I will be able to accomplish much of my "wish list" is if the VA rules change on approving any corrective transgender transitional surgeries at all. My wish list will remain just that. But that's cool too!

I think I can survive!!!

What Now?

Here in Cyrsti's Condo, we have been discussing earlier times when passing successfully was a goal and often the only one.  I know I totally was  missing the essence of being myself on the days I blissfully was able to spend a day shopping in the mall.  I looked like a woman sure, but there was always a missing piece to the puzzle somehow.

Have have mentioned several times about that time I actually knew three or four transsexual women.  I was fortunate enough to have an up close and personal look at why someone would desire to undergo SRS or not.

One of the trans women was a married engineer and was easily one of the most feminine women I had ever met- a natural, you might say. Her wife knew all of what was to happen, they had an amicable divorce and after the operation, the person actually continued her engineering career out West and got remarried to a man.
Another had already gone through all the operations and was leading a successful life as a woman but for some reason, was just "passing through" and I knew her for the briefest time. But, speaking of passing, she would visit me at my restaurant in Columbus at the time and my crew wondered who the tall woman was I "might" be cheating on my wife with.

Another was also a very feminine cross dresser when I met her, a low key attractive classy cross dresser who did decide to opt for SRS.  Never knew much about her.
Finally there was the worst example of all.

Out of the four, I knew her the longest and had watch her go through the stages of cross dresser, HRT, electrolysis, etc.  She was always the one in the room who had every feminine detail covered, even down to a set of false feminine teeth she wore over her real teeth.  Always, every inch the society woman but never quite the "woman" at all.  She never quite seemed to get the essence of the gender as the other three did. She rushed ahead though and bought her new car (vagina) and seemed to tire of it real quickly.  At that point, what was next? She was now a middle aged woman loosing her looks and struggling to decide which gender she would live with.  Although, she only lives 50 some miles away, I have never attempted to make contact and I do hope she is happy!

"Andrea" Housewives of Melbourne-drag queen?

My point is, back in the day when passing was everything, seemingly the best shortcut to achieving one's dream was SRS.  The fact remained though that no amount of surgery could help some of the trans women who went through the process.  I briefly chatted a couple of times with a person not so far away who had went through SRS, facial feminization I think twice and then just had to have butt implants.  Really?

Maybe that's why so many of these women on all the "Housewives's Of---" Shows do look like drag queens? (In fact "Andrea" of the Housewives of Melbourne looks a lot like my final example.) Think of it this way. We are fairly sure all of these women have had their "cars" for awhile but now need constant exterior upgrades. My cross dressing friend extraordinaire  always had an easy time of being the best of the CD's in room-but I always wondered if she tried to ever really play in the big girls sandbox.  Hell, Andrea could be her!

So when I get blasted by a bitter "true transsexual" or whatever she happens to be calling herself at the time, I just hope she didn't just get caught up in all her own ideas or rhetoric and  "jumped too fast."

The world has changed - she can't and it's sad.

A Trans Girl has to do What a Trans Girl has to do!

Jenny Before

No offense to you British girls who visit Cyrsti's Condo but much of the transgender news coming out of the UK is nothing if not entertaining!

Check this story from the Daily Mail, about transgender woman Jenny who sold her house to pay for facial feminization surgery:

"A transgender woman unhappy with her masculine features has revealed that she sold her house in order to finance a £15,000 surgical makeover. Jenny Bowman, 56, had been left frustrated by the size of her nose and masculine jawline before discovering a procedure called facial feminization surgery after an online search. The operation, which softens and feminizes the features, isn't available on the NHS but fed up with her masculine looks, she took the dramatic step of putting her house on the market to pay for it."

Jenny After

All is fair in the battle for a better male to female transition unless you end up living in a box under a bridge.

How much can I get for my old dog on the open market?

Ownership at what Cost?

Doesn't matter if you identify as a cross dresser, transgender or transsexual woman or man, owning who we are is expensive.  From the youngest transsexual child who can afford the therapy and medical help,  to the person who comes out trans later in life the physical costs can even outweigh the mental costs- on paper.

Examples? What's a sexual realignment surgery costing these days with or without facial feminization costs? Plus the lifetime worth of drugs you need to begin/continue the process of syncing up your inner and exterior genders. If you are fortunate enough for the process to work at all.

The number of options in our trans culture are countless yet so unreachable for so many of us.  I have said it before of my respect for those of you who stay deep in the closet for the benefit of family or work or both.  I'm the first to admit I was there and tried to it and in the end just couldn't.

So are the non calculable mental costs potentially greater that the psychical ones? Who knows. Personally, yes-there is no way to put a cost on the days of my lack of productivity as I fought my inner gender battles. I know I'm speaking to the choir here, the process is similar to living two lives in two dimensions simultaneously.

Out of necessity and/or choice my investments have been mainly internal. I have purchased ownership of all of me and my closest friends have told me they can see it. Forget the cost of HRT. At the end of the day, my biggest costs have been the mental ones.  It turns out, they were wise investments. Now, before you are diving into your purses for a calculator, consider this:

If  you are putting a dollar amount on your transition and expect your money to buy gender happiness-I'm thinking "it ain't happenin' babes". Then again it's only money right?

Under Trans Construction

I'm still obsessed with 70 grand and I went to the "Hill's" to check it out...Beverly Hill's that is.
I went to a site called the Beverly Hill's Institute which specializes aesthetic and reconstructive surgery.
I don't know how much Lauri spent for work for a trip to the "Hill's" but she did well.

after

Laurie before

And what was done:After hairline forehead lift, Fleming/Mayer flap, orbital bony contouring,laser
resurfacing of lower face and voice modification surgeries

Wouldn't have "Propecia" worked?

Just kidding!