Das Boot

Yes, I am still wearing this damn walking boot. At certain points in time it seems as natural as being transgender. At other times, as unnatural as being trans is.

While I know (after so many years) I have always been gender dysphoric, it is sad I have taken this long to come to terms with it. So, how did I?

Unfortunately, I don't have any magical formula. Everyone is on their own discovering their gender boundaries...or should I say, their personal gender compass.

As so called science is coming to terms with the differences in the human binary concerning sexuality and gender, I am a believer in yet another binary. The one which involves the so called transgender umbrella. Some of us opt to be part time cross dressers, others decide to go all the way through sexual realignment surgery. Ultimately, we are all related in a very complex, difficult process.

The problem is dealing with feuding under the umbrella. Who gets wet and who stays dry. Seemingly, too much of the male ego bleeds through, leading to pushing and shoving for room.

Again, I wish I had an magical answer for all of this too. An example was the other night when I met another two people going to the ill-fated Transgender Day of Remembrance meeting which never happened. I innocently introduced myself, received a nice return from one of the people. But of course the obviously transgender person, had a tough time revealing her name. I have no idea why she was being that way. Unless we had met before and I did something she didn't particularly like. Oh well!

These days I am concentrating on not aggravating people. So that means being secure in my little space under the transgender umbrella.

Hopefully, the boot is on it's way out so I won't take up so much room! 

What Does It Mean?

I wondered what a "support group" meeting means to the average person reading Cyrsti's Condo.

By definition (of course) the group exists to support one another. Along the way, it's interesting to note some do need support, some not so much and some never will. I have written about them. If you remember the person with the phantom sexual realignment surgery claim I met.

On the other end of the spectrum, are the people who are really checking out different scenarios. Are they really cross dressers, or, on a deeper level transgender women or trans men. Through these groups, I have seen deeply troubled people all the way to thoroughly self  assured individuals.

You may ask, why do I go? Even though I may seem to be on the level of the self assured peeps (since I live full time), I am definitely not totally self assured. Plus, I try to tell all who care or ask, what a long strange troubled trip it has been for me to get here.

Also, I'm always impressed with the number of young people who show up for these meetings. Of course at my age (68) most people are younger! Almost all the younger people are struggling.

Some meetings I say a lot, some I say almost nothing. Most of the time, I wait for the conversation to come to me.

Plus, my path to coming out as a transgender woman, usually is so different than the rest of the room, there is very little connection.

I came out almost totally beside myself in almost totally non gay venues. Even though way early in the process, I did go out with a group of cross dressers, I just didn't feel apart of the group and more of a loner. Later, as I began to understand the difference between cross dressers and transgender women, I understood why I felt so different.

Basically, most of them wanted to look like cis-women, while I wanted to be one. There also more than a couple instances of drunken male behavior in a dress which really turned me off. So it was simpler for me to go my own way. On my own.

So far, I think I have been able to lend some understanding to trans lives from the perspective from one who lived in the closet for years. If I help one person, it is worth it!

That's what it means.

Ownership at what Cost?

Doesn't matter if you identify as a cross dresser, transgender or transsexual woman or man, owning who we are is expensive.  From the youngest transsexual child who can afford the therapy and medical help,  to the person who comes out trans later in life the physical costs can even outweigh the mental costs- on paper.

Examples? What's a sexual realignment surgery costing these days with or without facial feminization costs? Plus the lifetime worth of drugs you need to begin/continue the process of syncing up your inner and exterior genders. If you are fortunate enough for the process to work at all.

The number of options in our trans culture are countless yet so unreachable for so many of us.  I have said it before of my respect for those of you who stay deep in the closet for the benefit of family or work or both.  I'm the first to admit I was there and tried to it and in the end just couldn't.

So are the non calculable mental costs potentially greater that the psychical ones? Who knows. Personally, yes-there is no way to put a cost on the days of my lack of productivity as I fought my inner gender battles. I know I'm speaking to the choir here, the process is similar to living two lives in two dimensions simultaneously.

Out of necessity and/or choice my investments have been mainly internal. I have purchased ownership of all of me and my closest friends have told me they can see it. Forget the cost of HRT. At the end of the day, my biggest costs have been the mental ones.  It turns out, they were wise investments. Now, before you are diving into your purses for a calculator, consider this:

If  you are putting a dollar amount on your transition and expect your money to buy gender happiness-I'm thinking "it ain't happenin' babes". Then again it's only money right?