Biggest Fear?

I know many of you are deep in the closet and I remember completely the pain and paranoia it creates.  The problems of near misses and discoveries are legendary.

Of course I have my own, and many of you have commented here in Cyrsti's Condo about yours, but here is one classic.   From an acquaintance of mine years ago, who just happened to open the door to the wrong person when he was cross dressed.

I am going to switch pronouns now and say she was able to cross dress extremely well into an attractive classy woman.  She also was single and her house was pretty much a central "meet-up" point for a group of individuals I knew who spanned the full spectrum from an admirer or two to transsexual women.

As she told the story, a couple of friends from our group were due at her house at a certain time.  As the time came, the doorbell rang and when she opened the door it wasn't the expected friends at all.  The person outside was one of her male co-workers!  When he saw her, he got this little grin on his face and asked for his male friends name.  Even though her mind was exploding at the moment, our cross dressing friend said she managed not to lose her cool and said they were going out later and he had just ran up to the store.

Fortunately, this was in the mid 80's back in a time when his career could have been totally ruined by being outed at all-but he wasn't.  Instead, in the very intensive male job he worked at everyone wanted to know who the new hottie he was dating was.

Even though he had the benefit of appearance when he cross dressed, he said he was always careful to see who was at the door before he opened it.  No matter when it was.

I'm going to try to come up with a "best of" list of my screw ups in a later Cyrsti's Condo post!

What Now?

Here in Cyrsti's Condo, we have been discussing earlier times when passing successfully was a goal and often the only one.  I know I totally was  missing the essence of being myself on the days I blissfully was able to spend a day shopping in the mall.  I looked like a woman sure, but there was always a missing piece to the puzzle somehow.

Have have mentioned several times about that time I actually knew three or four transsexual women.  I was fortunate enough to have an up close and personal look at why someone would desire to undergo SRS or not.

One of the trans women was a married engineer and was easily one of the most feminine women I had ever met- a natural, you might say. Her wife knew all of what was to happen, they had an amicable divorce and after the operation, the person actually continued her engineering career out West and got remarried to a man.
Another had already gone through all the operations and was leading a successful life as a woman but for some reason, was just "passing through" and I knew her for the briefest time. But, speaking of passing, she would visit me at my restaurant in Columbus at the time and my crew wondered who the tall woman was I "might" be cheating on my wife with.

Another was also a very feminine cross dresser when I met her, a low key attractive classy cross dresser who did decide to opt for SRS.  Never knew much about her.
Finally there was the worst example of all.

Out of the four, I knew her the longest and had watch her go through the stages of cross dresser, HRT, electrolysis, etc.  She was always the one in the room who had every feminine detail covered, even down to a set of false feminine teeth she wore over her real teeth.  Always, every inch the society woman but never quite the "woman" at all.  She never quite seemed to get the essence of the gender as the other three did. She rushed ahead though and bought her new car (vagina) and seemed to tire of it real quickly.  At that point, what was next? She was now a middle aged woman loosing her looks and struggling to decide which gender she would live with.  Although, she only lives 50 some miles away, I have never attempted to make contact and I do hope she is happy!

"Andrea" Housewives of Melbourne-drag queen?

My point is, back in the day when passing was everything, seemingly the best shortcut to achieving one's dream was SRS.  The fact remained though that no amount of surgery could help some of the trans women who went through the process.  I briefly chatted a couple of times with a person not so far away who had went through SRS, facial feminization I think twice and then just had to have butt implants.  Really?

Maybe that's why so many of these women on all the "Housewives's Of---" Shows do look like drag queens? (In fact "Andrea" of the Housewives of Melbourne looks a lot like my final example.) Think of it this way. We are fairly sure all of these women have had their "cars" for awhile but now need constant exterior upgrades. My cross dressing friend extraordinaire  always had an easy time of being the best of the CD's in room-but I always wondered if she tried to ever really play in the big girls sandbox.  Hell, Andrea could be her!

So when I get blasted by a bitter "true transsexual" or whatever she happens to be calling herself at the time, I just hope she didn't just get caught up in all her own ideas or rhetoric and  "jumped too fast."

The world has changed - she can't and it's sad.

Stealth and the "Pink" Pickett Fence?

For those of you of age, you grew up watching the iconic mothers of the 50's and early 60's like June Cleaver.  Mom's were the stay home types who kept the household running and had the dinner ready when hubby came home.  My Mom wasn't like that (school teacher) but almost all my friends mothers were. So the feminine stereotype so aptly pictured by our unnamed cross dresser below was alive and well.

Then Dr. Stanley Biber burst upon the scene as one of the primary sexual reassignment surgeons in the U.S. Biber performed his first sex change operation in 1969 after a transsexual woman asked him if he would be willing and able to do so.  Biber retired in 2003, at age 80, because his malpractice insurance premiums had risen to levels which he could not afford, probably because of his advanced age. Marci Bowers, a gynecologist and transsexual woman herself, took over his SRS practice. Biber was hospitalized in January 2006 with complications from pneumonia, to which he succumbed on January 16 while hospitalized. Biber was 82 at the time of his death.

Deserved or not, one of the basics of going through SRS from the Dr. Biber's era of thinkers was the newly "minted" woman should go forth into the world, find a man, have sex with him and disappear. (stealth) For God Sakes as Ophra used to say "why would you want to buy a new car (vagina) and not drive it?" (At the risk of getting too "X" rated, my lesbian friends tell me they could drive my "new car" better than any man." )  

But the question of even needing a "new car" doesn't define who I am or my life.  I know I can't meet the budgetary constraints of a store bought vagina or want to think of the health considerations at my age.With or without the new car, I have been shown a path to a wonderful life I never dreamed I could have.

So now, do I just walk away and go stealth or is there another road for me? I believe there is and it's in the example I mentioned in an earlier blog post about how I'm beginning to market my Etsy shoppes.

In the beginning of course, I did use my name and my male name only came into play when legally I had to use it behind the scenes because I had not changed my gender markers. (It all made for some interesting calls to Ebay, who were cool.)

Now, as I said, I'm seeking a broader social marketing base and it could be said I am in some sort of stealth mode because I don't say "Hey! this shop is a TRANSGENDER owned business."  But, I don't hide the fact it is either.  My hope is, that again the world sees me as just another person trying to make a go of it.

Maybe I'm naive enough to think how I identify would not make or break the sale of a vintage vase or comic book.  If it did, the person could go to hell, but overall I think of it as my one small Laverne Cox style statement:  Think of me first as a person you respect and oh yeah-I happen to be transgender.

Life in the Box

Continuing a post I wrote yesterday here in Cyrsti's Condo which I compared my MtF gender transition to climbing into the "girl's sandbox" .  I break it down further in my book  "Stiletto's on Thin Ice" but for simplicity (like my mind), here are a couple of thoughts.

For the record, I have nursed my biggest scratches over the years, from two groups-"A-list" genetic and TS women.  I leaned quickly from both, who sought me out for my comeuppance (as they say in my part of the world.) My first lesson came years ago at one of the transvestite "mixers" I used to attend.  I was always fascinated by the diversity of the group and loved to go out with a certain few after the "meeting" and party. The problem was, this group made up most attractive cross dressers in the room.(Not the most feminine though.)  They knew it and were very similar to the socialite/cheerleader types I encountered in high school.  To "tag along" was OK by them, as long as we all knew I didn't really belong. Lesson learned.  Maybe I didn't fit it with those girls in the sandbox, but there were others I was finding who indeed I did!

As most cat scratches do, I heeled and found more acceptance in the box than I ever thought possible.As we have discussed here in the "Condo" most genetic women are curious why you would even want to play in the sandbox at all and move on. My problems occurred when I wanted to use the "litter box" and I got scratched big time.  Through it all, I learned to watch my back because there could be a woman coming after me with a patented "passive aggressive" feminine attack.

Finally, I learned the worst attacks in the box came from those I couldn't even see, transsexual and transgender women who sit safe behind their computers and blast away.  I used to get mad (still do) and hurt (still do) but for the most part understand I put myself out here and with it comes abuse.

So now, I happy with my little spot of sand in the girl's sandbox and I have playmates too.  Plus on the positive side, I have interacted with sooooo many good hearted peeps like all of you.

Thanks for playing in our sandbox!!!

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girls" of the Day

As a Friday "change of pace" I decided to pass along to you a "before and after" video of many famous transsexual women and transgender men.

Skate Day

I'm happy to say I'm finally going to have a chance to write a post not concerning winter.  This afternoon, a group of friends and I are going to see the Cincinnati Roller Girls.  So yes I'm talking roller skating.  In my youth (yes I do remember it) , I remember watching mainly men roller skate on a banked wooden oval basically creating mayhem.  Hey, it beat wrestling! But when I caught a glimpse of the roller girls, I was fascinated!  For the most part they were faster and meaner than the guys.

As I was looking forward to this afternoon, I thought how great it was that several years ago, the sport broke the binary gender lines (along with body parts) by accepting a transgender woman skater.  In the beginning, Kayley Whalen, who signed up for roller derby in May 2008, and had to lie about who she was. Later though,she was required to sign a code of conduct that stated, ‘transsexual women are allowed to join if it has been at least two years since surgery, per International Olympic Committee rules’. At that point, Whalen, who skated under the name Lenore Gore, was drafted onto the DC Rollergirls team Scare Force One.  Kayley was a “jammer,” scoring points while speeding past the other team’s players while blockers with names like Dyke Diggler, Velocity Raptor and Marion Barrycuda toss opponents aside to clear the way. It’s sisterhood through bruising- which gives you an idea of the sport.

So, this afternoon will be fun in that I know one of the participants just could be transgender and the three genetic women I'm would even know-or care.

Are Transgender "Admirer's" Gay?

This is an unintended follow up post to DeAnna's comment about transitioning from a gay man to a transgender woman.
On a different slant, the argument has raged on both sides of the fence about a man's sexuality if indeed he is attracted to you as a trans woman?  Is he indeed gay and if so, who cares?  I guess many do indeed care.
For what it's worth, I have two definitions.  The first is a straight (no pun intended) forward "Yes he is gay, if he is attracted sexually to another man, no matter how he looks."  The second (and the one I believe in), no he is not gay because the transgender women he is with, in no way considers herself male.

Fortunately, for all of you, I have another idea on the matter from this video on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen:

Gender and Sexuality

"Nikki Sinclaire" , Britain’s first transsexual parliamentarian, has revealed how she became a lesbian after a brutal rape on a London street.

Sounds like just another headline sensationalized to attract readers and it is, except for one key phrase.  The headline comes from The Herald Sun News:

"Sinclaire, a Member of the European Parliament (MEP), was born a boy but had gender reassignment surgery in 1995 at the age of 23. Until then she lived as a gay man and even after the operation she continued to date men. But in 1999 she was attacked walking home in central London. “My arm was gripped and my leg kicked. I gasped, overbalanced and landed painfully with a suffocating weight on top of me.

 “It was the most horrendous experience of my life. I had grown up in London but I felt so vulnerable.” Following her sex change she found herself being attracted to women. But why would she go to the trouble of surgery if in the end she was going to date women? She told the paper: “That’s mixing gender with sexuality. I’ll admit that at the time I didn’t know if I could cope with being gay again - I wanted to live an ordinary life.” 

Sinclaire said she had her first lesbian experience after meeting a woman at a bar in Liverpool. “We were playing pool and got speaking. One thing led to another, which is unusual in the lesbian community. It was a wow moment, the best sex I’d had in my life.” In the aftermath of the rape she became “very anti-men” and after one more sexual encounter with a man which she said didn’t feel right, she began dating women full-time."

The true worth of the story is how she mentions to the world that gender and sexuality are different and shouldn't be mixed.  It's one of the main misconceptions the world has of the transgender world and beyond- into our own culture. I've seen statements from transsexual women doubting the sincerity of any transgender woman who may still be attracted to genetic women. Really?

Of all the people in the world, trans women and men should be able to understand completely the difference in gender and sexuality brought up in Nikki Sinclaire's story.

Top Ten Rest Room 101...Again

I update this post every now and then here in Cyrsti's Condo because the simple act of finding a place to pee is so difficult for transgender and transsexual women and men.

My quick list. (Your's could be different)

1.- NEVER take your rest room pass for granted. As you read in the news all the time, many peeps will accept you in all public places but the rest room.
2.- DO go for the point of least resistance. For example one of the big box store chains around me actually has their rest rooms in the vestibule before you go in the store.
3.- GET IN and OUT. The longer you play with your hair and make up in the mirror, the greater the chance another woman will take a closer look at you too.
4.-DO wash your hands.  If you are being scrutinized, if you don't wash your hands, you will be more certain to be labeled a guy. The more experience you have, the more you will find the myth of a pristine women's room is just that.
5.- DON'T BE STUPID.    Sit Down to Pee! It's not as dumb as it sounds. Years ago I actually had a woman follow me into a restroom to see if I sat down or not. Be smart though and look down on what you are going to sit on.  Lots of women are found of the Tyra Banks "squat over the toilet to pee" method but not so fond of cleaning up afterward.
6.-MAKE SURE your stall is locked. If you happen to be stuck in one that won't try to hold your hand on it while you go. While we are on the subject of locked stalls, don't hide in one until the room empties of waiting women who have to go.  You will be roundly disliked.
7.-BE PREPARED to wait. Ideally you can monitor a rest room in a place like a restaurant for an idea of traffic but the women's room is tricky. You don't have the neat quick gadgets like urinals for quick turnaround and a woman with a kid or two can really slow the room down. Plus meeting those kids is also tricky. Don't panic though, lots of time Mom is so engrossed with getting the "little darlings" in and out, you are the least of her problems.
8.-PROPS.  If you are stuck in line, have your cell phone ready to "occupy" yourself. Another trick is to carry a pad or tampon. Over the years I have been asked twice. Could be innocent or a simple way to ask do you really need one?
9.-MAKE EYE CONTACT.  It's tough but the restroom is the place to project the fact you are doing nothing wrong. Another hint to pass along is, another woman may smile at you just because she can woman to woman. This is not the macho men's room. Finally, you can also learn volumes about how your presentation is working...good...bad...or ugly by making eye contact. Acceptance, approval, no reaction and real ugly are possibilities.
10.-KNOW WHEN TO RUN.  If the situation gets bad. (I've had the cops called on me a couple times over the years and other UGLY incidents) Just move on as quickly and with as much dignity as you can... Unless you know your local laws protect you and want to make a stand.

Of course there are many more nuances of effectively securing and maintaining your women's room pass-all the way to how you sit on the toilet to mimic a woman's flow. Rest assured, if a woman has her doubts about you and you both got a stall at the same time, she will be listening. Especially if the room was empty and she more or less followed you in just to see what was going on. Turn the tables and listen to see what she is doing. If nothing, be on high alert.

More than anything else we do and learn during the transgender transition process, rest room passes are the most intense. Just be a good student, do your best and you will be fine!

FYI...the places I have felt the most resistance to using the women's room?  Mixed gay and lesbian venues!

Just a Man being a Woman

Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo I have attempted to pass along YouTube videos which I thought covered everyone from transitioning transgender and transsexual women all the way to drag queens. All too often I have a tendency to leave out the cross dresser segment of our culture.  I feel bad about it because all too often I think some cross dressers feel somehow I don't relate to them or put myself up on some pedestal because of my HRT or lifestyle.  Let me tell you all-I'm terrible on pedestals and karma knocks me off every time!
To make amends check out this cross dressing video:

The Beneficial Effects of Gay Bigots

Whats good about a bigot? They have the ability to make you step back, take a look at the situation and make your move.

Of course gay bigots are no different than any others. The gays have their own little club in many ways which can be as exclusive and bitter as the Ku Klux Klan. What leads me down this path is an email I received from a reader who came under a transphobic verbal attack from a gay man. I'm paraphrasing here but the message was "I'm gay but not that gay"! DUH! Neither are we you idiot!

I spent a brief amount of time wondering just how the hell we got lumped together with them to begin with but moved on quickly. Now I want to thank the gay male venue who blatantly discriminated against me one night. I took my money and headed to straight venues where I did not get discriminated against. They didn't understand where I was coming from (like the gays) but came to accept me quicker and the huge transphobic kick in the pants turned out to be a life changing experience for me.

Before I let my rant get out of control and end up sounding like them, I do think the gay world is slowly starting to realize who the transgender community is. I'm going to go out on a limb and say in my neck of the woods trans men could be having a huge impact. They don't have the "drag queen" stereotype to fight through to start with to effect change in thinking. "Out and Proud" seems to be more of a theme more than the "Stealth and Gone" policy of transsexual women. (Just my hunch.)

Finally, like it or not we are the "T" in their club. Surely I have seen cross dressers pull off some pretty dumb things in gay venues but then again no more than than gay guys.
Certainly,  there are always going to be bigots to be faced from all facets of society but if we all hold our ground they will fade as surely as the klan has.

The Common Trans Folk

I'm as guilty as the next person of getting caught up in the glamour and glitz of all the knock down gorgeous transgender and transsexual women.

"Picture from a meeting in East Aurora, Ill concerning establishing new  gender standards"

On occasion I do look past all the bright lights and beauty to the trans folks in the trenches-women and men. The ones that say "hey! to hell with it I'm going to live life as I see fit." I lump myself largely into that category because most of the time I marginally present totally as a woman.  On the other hand, I present totally well as a person...
As do just two of the many trans women I have chosen pictures of to emphasize my point. To the left is "Dessert Storm Vet" Gabrielle Ludwig who is now playing college basketball at the age of 50. Certainly their stories are viewed with some sensationalism by some of the public but more importantly all of those we encounter as transgender humans make the effort worth while!

Hypermasculinity and the Transgender Vet

A new study is being released this fall on the connection between the military and transgender vet according an article in San Diego by Beth Ford Roth:
"A soon -to-be  published study claims men who served in the military were twice as likely to consider themselves transgender as men who were not veterans.
The study by Air Force veteran and psychologist George Brown  looked at more than 5 million veterans as subjects."

The study went on to say many joined the the service to become a "real man" and was a way of suppressing their gender dysphoria.
No real surprise. Right?
I'm a little different in that I was a "draft induced" vet from the Vietnam era and the exclusion for genetic females was yet another cause to yearn to jump the gender fence.

In her article Roth contacted the Pentagon for a reaction to the upcoming release.
 Their official reaction was quoting the Dept of Defense regulation that states transgender people are not allowed to serve in the military.
(Other than the ones who have served, do serve and will serve-of course)
This does give the Pentagon time to bring in a fresh load of sand to stick their heads into and further ignore the status of current transgender servicemen and women.
They also can stock in extra whip lash medication for future neck trauma. An injury sustained by violently turning your head the other way.

Transgender Model

Lauren Foster was born in South Africa and is one of the world's most recognized transsexual women, having been one of the first to pose for Vogue Mexico in the 1980's. She began transitioning in her teens and by 17 she was undergoing hormone therapy and living full-time as a female. At the age of 18 she underwent sex reassignment surgery, which was performed by world renowned surgeon Derk Crichton.

Utopia?

I read posts here and there on the idea of a genderless society. A place where a person is totally free to express their mental gender at will.

In fact Michellelianna recently did her own take on the subject  and you can read it here.
The easy answer of course is clothes don't make the transgender or transsexual woman or man. We all know it's much deeper than that. 
Indirectly my "BFF" took the subject another step when I confided in her my dissatisfaction with my recent male exploits. Basically she asked when was I going to start dressing more completely female as I approach 6 months into HRT.
Good question.  In my current lifestyle, I'm just me without the pronouns. Very little body hair, painted nails and all. I basically run errands in a few of the same places all the time. Since going into semi retirement, I created my own little gender cocoon rather than an utopia. With my thin shaped brows, pony tail and clear nail polish I'm far from being androgynous- yet. Just being me is great for me but the world awaits. You know how the real world wrecks utopia! Dammit!
However I still have a utopian plan for the near future. I call it "hormones phase II".
As I have written a number of times, coming up soon is the big next visit to my "prescribing" doc.  I started on a minimum dose of a form of estrogen and had it doubled a couple months later.  Now I want it doubled again.
So by this fall, I can see me developing a nice little makeup routine in the morning of eye makeup and lip gloss-everyday. Then we will see how my utopia is working for the general public.
Quite truthfully, I don't see how an androgyny phase will work in at all with my utopia if I have a choice. Obviously, I would prefer to be seen as feminine as possible. Some would say I have done some of this a little backward with the amount of time I've spent in a feminine lifestyle without hormones and such. The transformation as you know isn't always the easiest and I will gladly accept any help I can get!
We will see. As with any utopian idea, problems will exist. Those of you who have gone through this process know the ups and downs unique to each one of us.
I can only say I'm surely not expecting any Shangri-la but a plan is very reassuring even if it's not utopian.