Transgender Writer

Transgender writer/activist Janet Mock:

Janet Mock 

A Real Transgender Hero

I know from a few of the comments I receive there are several Nicole Maines fans who visit the Cyrsti's Condo blog. For all of you (and more), here is an interview I found on one of my news feeds you may be interested in.

This comes from an interview on the Collider site:  As Nia Nal, a.k.a. Dreamer, on The CW series Supergirl, actress Nicole Maines plays the first transgender superhero on television. Before her time on Supergirl, Maines had already spent years as something of a superhero in real life, fighting for trans rights, equality, and visibility from a very young age. With two Supergirl seasons under her belt, Maines has had the opportunity to highlight both the strides made toward acceptance and how far there is still to go.

For more, go here.

Transphobia and the Trans Girl

This post is actually the second in a recent Internalized Transphobia post here in Cyrsti's Condo. Yesterday, we featured Calie's comment. Today, here is Connie's:

"Internalized transphobia is within the individual, but it can manifest itself within the transgender community, as well. Especially for those of us who started sensing our dysphorias during the social climate that existed over a half-century ago, there is a deep-seeded notion of guilt and shame associated with our gender identities. We may have started out thinking that we were the only one in the world who was trans (or whatever label we might have applied to ourselves at the time - for me, borderline insanity). No matter what measures we may have taken toward mitigation over the subsequent years, that notion never really goes away. We can change our appearances, our mannerisms, our voices, and/or our bodies, but we can't escape that notion of guilt and shame.

I can tamp down my guilt and shame through building my own confidence and self-esteem. I've even had a spiritual experience, wherein, I truly believe, it was God's voice that came to me - saying, "It's OK; You are OK." As much as I accept and believe that, however, I have, at times, asked God, "When are you going to let everyone else know it?"

Most cis people spend very little time thinking about their own genders, whereas a trans person can sometimes be obsessed by their own gender identity. I think that could be internalized transphobia, in itself. Through my own transition, I have become less aware of my gender identity. I am certainly more at peace with myself this way, but it is not without some effort that I can achieve it. My own vanity requires much of my effort, although I work on my appearance and presentation more as another vain woman would than I did when I cross dressed. Still, I am reminded in the shower every morning, and in the mirror when I get out, that there is more than just a trace of masculinity that needs to be made as less-evident as possible to others, as well as myself. That comes out of my internalized transphobia and dysphoria, I know, but it is usually easy enough to squelch through a well-developed denial - long enough for me to do the necessary cover-up. Doing so doesn't bring excitement, as it might have when I was switching gender presentations as the occasion demanded; it's the necessary evil of which I have come to expect.

When trans people interact, we often see ourselves in each other. Whether that is good or bad depends on many things, but a projection of internalized transphobia, or even the perception of it, can make things challenging. If nothing else, it is difficult to escape the idea of self-gender identity at all when one sees it in another. As much as I like to believe I am accepted as a woman - who happens to be trans - by society, in general, I can't get past the feeling of being no more than a trans woman when I am in the presence of another trans woman. The individuality and autonomy I have worked so hard to achieve seems to disappear, and I revert back to a time when my self-confidence was not-so-strong. I wind up comparing myself to her, and then have to remind myself that there is no right way to be trans. I'm no better, and I'm no worse - because we are all just individuals. I know that, but I allow those old feelings of guilt and shame to resurface (to one degree or another). It's just easier to avoid the problems by avoiding other trans women. Then, of course, there is the guilt-by-association factor, which may be real, but much more powerful through perception. I could tell many stories of how I wanted to make to make it clear that I was not the same as my trans friend, when we were out in public together. Sometimes, I actually did, and it may well be the reason I don't hear from them anymore."

I agree with the idea of seeing each other when we meet another transgender person. We are reminded of the journey we took and how the same journey affected the other person. Fairly or not, I am not judging another trans woman (or man) on their looks so much as their attitude. An example would be one of the two people I met years ago who went all the way through genital realignment surgery. One had a I'm better than you edge to her while the other was very nice to the point of not hanging out very much with the cool girl clique. In other words, she exuded a feminine class that some cis women just seem to have. My favorite point is all females don't necessarily transition into women. Cis or not. 

Thanks Connie for the comment.

Candis Cayne

Remember transgender actress Candis Cayne? I first saw her on the TV series "Dirty Sexy Money" She performed in drag in New York City nightclubs beginning in the 1990's. After coming out as transgender in 1996 she went on to play the trans mistress Carmelita on the ABC series on 2007.

 

Another Transgender Success!

Variety reported in January transgender actress Josie Totah will be playing "Lexie" a beautiful cheerleader and the most popular girl at Bayside High School in the reboot of the "Saved by the Bell" television series. Josie Totah is 18 years old. For more, go here.

Big day Out?

Anymore, Sunday has replaced Saturday as our "market" day. This morning though, Liz was feeling bad with a headache, so this Sunday morning changed around for me significantly. 

First of all, I went through my wardrobe and found a pair of distressed jeans I haven't worn for awhile. I tossed them in the laundry yesterday and surprisingly they fit me well. From there I found a matching lightweight soft sweater and decided it was time to put on some makeup and get ready. Getting ready for me still involves some shaving. Since I am blessed to have a light beard anyhow which is predominantly gray these days I don't have to seek out expensive painful electrologist sessions to look my best. From beginning to end on a normal day, getting ready to go takes approximately fifteen minutes to apply my makeup. This morning though, I took the extra step of wearing ear-rings. I felt I needed to, to insure the piercing holes in my ears are still open. Which they were.

After all this effort though, it was still unclear if Liz felt good enough to go at all. After a couple cups of coffee she felt good enough for a partial trip to our pharmacy. From there she decided she still had to go to the market for a few essentials. By this time, I was regretting not bringing my mask so I had to stay in the car  to be safe. 

For once, the wait wasn't very long, plus I was still enjoying being out, no pun intended! Finally, on the way home I offered to buy us lunch to go at our favorite local BBQ venue. I happened to see the owner this morning on the local news speaking on the difficulties the virus has caused local, home owned small businesses. I am especially sensitive to restaurants since I spent most of my career in them. So we headed to their store front and ordered lunch out of our meager funds and felt good about supporting them. 

Please make sure you are supporting your local small businesses too!

So much for my exciting day out.

New Transgender Parents

From the ITV News:

"A transgender couple have said they "could not be happier or more grateful" to announce the birth of their daughter.

Cardiff-born mother Hannah Graf, who was the highest-ranking transgender officer in the British army, came out as a transgender woman in 2013.

Jake Graf, who is a television director and actor, transitioned in 2008.

The couple announced in December they were expecting a baby.

Jake said that the couple's "amazing surrogate" gave birth to their daughter on Tuesday morning."

More Rest Room Hints

Connie wrote in with more restroom hints:

"At our age, carrying a Tampon and offering it may be grounds for suspicion. Carrying and offering an incontinence pad may work, however. :-) Also, since - no matter how many surgeries we would get - we will still always have a prostate that is often affected by age. So, flow may vary. I had a cross dresser friend who used to describe what she heard in the ladies room as a "cow pissing on a flat rock." I could never duplicate that sound, especially when sitting. But then, I almost always squat, as I don't really like sitting on pubic toilet seats. When it's a unisex facility, I especially won't sit, since there are plenty of guys who won't lift the seat, just as there are guys who won't put it down.

Another thing to remember, especially when wearing pantyhose, is to always check to be sure you have not tucked the back of your dress. I did that once, in my fledgling days, and a woman ran to warn me just as I was going out the door into the crowded lobby of a theater. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also had a ribbon of toilet paper stuck to my high heel. Needless to say, any attempts I'd made to not be noticed while in the restroom were completely blown as I tried to leave!"

I neglected to say I carried the feminine hygiene products way back in the day when I was younger and could have been perceived as still needing one. Plus, I wanted to be ready for the first snarky cis woman who asked me for one. 

I also appreciate the dress in the pantyhose comment, as it has happened to me too. Also, the long skirts I own and specifically the two maxi dresses in my wardrobe totally intimidate me in the rest room. 

Even with all these ideas, I am sure there are a couple I am missing. Of course cis women have most likely lived through all of these "Girl Code" bathroom debacles too and could add their own... like what do you do when there are no paper towels after you wash your hands. 

If you have anything to add...please comment! Thanks as always for yours Connie.

It's a Waiting Game

This morning as I was thinking about what I was going to wear to the grocery store, I wondered if I should pick a quick outfit which would match the mask Liz made me. Then I wondered why bother? On the other hand I figured I could be a proper transgender woman and at the least focus on my making up my eyes. So I did. Leggings, cowl neck hip hugging sweater and tennis shoes completed my fancy once a week time to go shopping outfit. Predictably, the early Easter Sunday morning market was sparsely populated. Surprisingly, the shelves were still fairly well stocked so we found everything we went shopping for.  

As we returned home, I said a silent prayer to the Goddess asking for protection from the nasty virus. Then I began to think I need to be patient once again and stay in as much as possible, Looking back on my life, I should be used to it.

Aren't all trans women and men involved in a waiting game? From our earliest moments exploring the fantastic feminine clothing and makeup we found to the time we had to wait before we could find a safe time to explore again. Then, as our lives fast forwarded, many of us had to wait a year at a time for Halloween to cross dress, often for the first time in the public's eyes. For many of us too, the waiting was just beginning.

Perhaps the longest, most intense, waiting game of all involves beginning hormone replacement therapy. I remember vividly how quickly I wanted to progress with all the promised feminine changes. It seemed the stronger the desire for progress, the longer the process took. In other words, "a watched pot never boils." Well finally, the boiling began and I did begin to develop the feminine characteristics I so craved. Before I knew it, I was carefully trying to wear very loose fitting shirts to hide my budding breasts. Following seven years of being on the HRT regimen I can safely look back on it and realize nothing came easily or quickly.  

There are plenty of waiting games to consider too. Take for example the time it takes a transgender person to realize they were living a lie and desperately needs to come out. Or the time it takes many cross dressers to decide they may be more than a lover of feminine clothes and more of a woman. And, let's not forget the time it takes to either unravel old relationships and begin new ones. 

After all this waiting, what's another couple months (I hope) before life returns to a new normal. 

  

More Such a Girl

In a recent Cyrsti's Condo post, we took a quick and all too simplistic look into what happens when a husband comes out to her spouse and family. Of course the path is a rocky one paved with all sorts of misplaced good intentions. Lets' check in with Connie concerning her long term relationship with her wife:

"While all relationships differ in an infinite number of ways, so do those in which one person is trans. Any combination of when, why, where, what, with, whom, and how will make a relationship unique. Also, no relationship is really perfect, and I have to imagine that a gender change by one party would not go toward making things closer to perfection.

In my case, I need to add coulda-woulda-shoulda to the list of variables. I met my wife at seventeen, just four months into a concerted effort to suppress my gender dysphoria. There was no need, I thought, to tell her of my perversity (what I believed it to be back then), because I thought it to be completely under control. I didn't tell her nearly four years later, when we married (still under control). I didn't tell her even after the births of our two daughters (Dad's in control!). When I did finally lose control, it was the end of a seventeen year suppression - but I still tried to keep control through compartmentalization - so, still no need to tell. Of course, the activity of cross dressing in secret eventually becomes no secret at all - even if not talked about. Our relationship had to hit rock-bottom before we could start to really deal with my gender identity together, which - keeping with a theme - occurred another seventeen years later. As I write this, another seventeen years have passed, and our forty-eighth anniversary is coming soon. Our marriage looks nothing like what it started out as (few marriages do, even without a gender conflict). I'm sure that it wouldn't have started at all, had I come out when we met 50+ years ago, nor would it have survived, had I come out to her at the same time I sort-of came out to myself, returning to the "shameful" behavior of my youth.

I could write a booklet on "How Not to Be a Happily Married Trans Woman." I was a husband who was this such a girl, then that such a girl, and many such iterations in-between. Consequently, my wife has had to make her own transitions throughout this whole process - to the point where she has given up having a husband at all, but she still has "such a girl."

Thanks for the comment! 

With my deceased wife, I became a woman she didn't like so well. She was a very natural woman, she rarely wore makeup and dresses. All of a sudden she had to put up with me being the "Pretty. pretty Princess." Back in those days, I was really into being a beginning fashionista...everything she wasn't. Plus, as she wasn't shy about telling me, I really knew nothing about being a woman. Of course with my male ego, I didn't believe her and was destined to never really understand until years later after her passing. I had to live full-time in a feminine world to understand. 

Finally, I came to understand I wasn't kidding myself all those years. I really was such a girl. Unfortunately when I interacted with my late wife, neither one of us knew the real me.  

Girl Code

One of the first things I learned as I attempted to assume a feminine life was communication. I refer to it "Girl Code  The Art of Feminine Communication." As I learned the hard way with men, my intelligence level had decreased along with my opinions on current affairs, women played on a whole different field. 

For example, women operate on many more communication "channels" than men. Many of which are non verbal. Also it is no secret women are more passive aggressive than men. There were more than a few times when I discovered way too late I had a knife sticking out of my back after interacting with a woman I considered an ally. One of my favorite examples was all was good with socializing with several women until it was time to use the restroom. Or the well known "You make a good looking woman...for a man in a dress." 

I remember vividly the bartenders in the pubs I went to (all women) who would steer possible problems with men away from me, simply by giving me a look. 

I discovered girl code worked in wonderful ways too. Any number of small selected appearance compliments could open up a whole excellent 

 conversation with a stranger. I think, it was because they knew I was transgender and had some sort of "fashion sense." Also I was very lonely in those days and was seeking out any companionship I could. 

Girl Code to me also dictated I grow a thicker skin. Much more than the softer one I was developing with my Hormone Replacement Therapy regimen.  I became able to smile sweetly and pull the knives out of my back. 

These days I do believe in many areas. life is becoming somewhat easier for those of us transgender women who take the time to learn Girl Code.You just can't throw on a dress and make up and expect to cross the gender frontier. If you need to work on your skin, figure out how to do it. If you need to take off a few pounds do it. After all, Girl Code dictates you do it. And while I am on the subject, May's issue of Cosmopolitan, one of the ultimate Girl Code's publications features Madalynn a trans woman on page 62. She is part of a creative collaboration between  Dove and Cosmo. Unfortunately I have not been able to come up with a picture for you yet. I am sure one will surface sooner more than later. 

Finally, consider immersing yourself in Girl Code. It can be a very pleasurable part of your Mtf gender transition. 

Transgender in the Comics

I found an interview with Nicole Maines you may be interested in. You may recall, Nicole is the transgender actress who portrays a character on television's Supergirl.

On March 15, 2020, an episode of Supergirl titled “Reality Bytes” aired on The CW, focused on the harrowing topic of violence against trans women. Actress Nicole Maines, a trans woman who portrays Nia Nal (aka Dreamer) on the series, led the way in the episode with an emotional and raw performance and with contributions in the writer’s room. On March 31st’s Trans Day of Visibility, 

The interview comes from Beat Magazine: 

First Nicole was asked what the Transgender Day of Visibility meant to her: 

"Well it kinda feels like a double-edged sword for me. I feel like, on the one hand, it’s a victory lap for all of us because we’ve made so much progress. You know, we have reached all these milestones but then at the same time you know we have to take a moment and recognize, why our visibility is so radical and you have to remember everyone else who we’ve lost along the way and you have to keep in mind all the new legislation that’s being introduced amidst all this so there’s a lot of emotions, but I think it should first and foremost, be a happy day for us to celebrate that we can even be visible."

There is so much more to this interview. Here is your link to read it.

Social Distancing

As the new reality continues and even becomes more ingrained in our lives, social distancing has become one of the words of the day. Plus more and more of us who are fortunate enough to have our own hair, are beginning to think seeing our hair dresser is an essential activity. Especially for those who have to have their hair colored. Thanks to the insight years ago from my former stylist, we decided to let my hair revert back to it's natural soft grey tones. So really, all I have to worry about is getting it trimmed and shaped once things get back to normal.

These days too, I notice the number of cis women commenting on their lack of hair maintenance and I understand. Following the first trip to an upscale hair salon my daughter gifted me when I first came out to her, I was hooked on going to a hair salon to be pampered and "touched up." 

Unfortunately, over the years I tried hair shortcuts such as trying to color my own very long and thick hair. I managed to get in trouble by getting color all over the bathroom walls and towels as I learned the hard way how hard it was to remove the stains. Plus, I also became very adept at missing parts of my hair when I was coloring it. 

These days, the only thing I worry about with my hair is it becoming too long and unmanageable. However, with people maintaining a safe distance from me I will automatically look better. Perhaps like when they turn the lights down in a pub for happy hour. And I am not the only one! Let's check in with Connie in Seattle:

"OK, the social distancing is already improving my looks. Ten feet might be even better, but viewing me from six feet away is much easier on others' eyes than from two feet! :-)

The countless hours I spent working on and improving my looks during my self-induced isolation, over years of closeted cross dressing, should have been more than enough. The trouble is, though, it wasn't until my fifties that I finally showed myself to the public. I am, by nature, a perfectionist, so I always have seen room for self-improvement. If I had the means to "turn back time," as does Cher, maybe I could improve on what age has taken from my looks. Sitting in front of the mirror now, during this Covid-19 isolation, primping and adoring myself, is not going to cut it like it did those years ago. In fact, these days, doing so seems a rather silly thing for me to do. Unless I had a special occasion that warranted a glam look, I now just spend as little effort and time in order to make myself less-than-perfect - but still acceptable.

So far, I'm still allowed to work. In normal times, I work outside with hundreds of tourists all around me. This morning, I didn't get any closer than twenty feet from one person, and only noticed a few others further away. I still put on some makeup, though, along with a do-rag scarf on my head and old jeans. It's my Rosie the Riveter look - all the rage this Spring! :-)"

Sounds like fun :). Stay safe everyone.

Information

Recently I received a message from a representative from Junomedical.com who has put together a comprehensive world wide guide to Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS).

The guide is very informative and I thought you may want to take a look the same as I did! Follow the link above.

Gender Marker "Dominoes"

In the last post, I promised to pass along what I like to describe as my Mtf transgender legal marker progress as my own game of Dominoes. 

Once one Domino falls, the process really gets moving...Or should.

Two disclaimers though. The first is I have never been through this process before and secondly, where you are the process my be different.

My plan was to get my legal name change completed. I am due in court on the 23rd. Plus I live in an area where the court costs are still relatively reasonable, so I could afford it. Assuming my name change goes through, as I wrote in the last Cyrsti's Condo post, I can complete my Veterans Administration identification process.

At the same time, I will need to get my paperwork into the State of Ohio BMV (Bureau of Motor Vehicles) they say I should hear within 10 days or so about my approval for a new license. Ohio is a little tricky though because you have to have irrefutable evidence (letter) from your physician/ therapist that your change is permanent. If not, they will tell you to change back or repeat the process in the future. I have that covered, but again must wait for the legal name change to send the paper work in.

Now, Social Security supposedly can be done on line or by mail-but I would rather take my chances spending a very boring day at a local SS office. Let's point out Social Security could care less about your gender change (unless you get a rogue clerk) but does care about your name (of course.)

By this time, I will have to make certain nothing in my bank's system will screw up my monthly stipend from Social Security-which is electronically deposited.

So, there you go. My own very personal game of gender marker Dominoes. We both know the best laid plans of transgender women and men everywhere can go awry in this process. Plus I know there are many more markers which need to be changed we don't even think of. I read sometime ago of a trans woman running into problems at her veterinarians office of all places. 

I will keep you posted on my game! 

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl of the Day"

Our feature cover today is Mtf transgender woman Josephine Jochmann  who appeared in a documentary made for German TV station RTL2 entitled, "Transgender-my way to a competent body) - was born in 1994 but came alive as a girl in 2010 when she first went to school dressed in girls clothes. She started hormone therapy in 2011.

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

Our feature cover today is the beautiful MtF transgender woman Kristen Taylor

Cyrsti's Condo "Woman of the Day"

Our feature over is feeling blue. She is  Ketrine Lakrine MtF transgender woman from Russia.

Love at Christmas!

Recently, MtF transgender activist Janet Mock began hosting an online show on MSNBC . Then, she celebrated another milestone- a romantic one!

This weekend the longtime boyfriend of transgender author and activist Janet Mock upstaged her Friday debut as a host of an online show for MSNBC. He popped the question, and Mock revealed the news — and showed off the ring — to her fans and friends on Instagram andTwitter, declaring, simply: “I said YES.”

Here's the juicy  love story from the Advocate: 
Tredwell met Mock early Easter morning of 2009 at a bar in Manhattan, and as she described their first encounter in an article on XOJane, she caught him looking at her as she twirled on the dance floor. “He's a fantasy come true, and I want him to want me,” she recalled.

They went for a walk on Houston Street. Over lattes and a cinnamon roll, they shared their stories: He’s from North Dakota, takes photos, and trains dogs for a living; she’s from Hawaii and works as an editor for a popular website. She told him she wants to tell stories that matter.

After a month of casual dates, Mock revealed her own story, saying, “I was born a boy.” She told him what she called her “whole story,” because she was falling for him. Her revelations includded “I knew I was a girl from my very first thoughts”; “I began presenting as female from age 12”;  “I took hormones in high school”; “I flew to Thailand to have surgery at 18.”

Afraid, worried about what he would say, Mock waited for him to react. And his reaction, as she described it, provoked tears: “Can I hug you?”
Mock credits her relationship with Tredwell and his desire “to know me, to ask me questions about my past, force me to retrace steps that have made me the woman I am today” for inspiring her to write her best-selling memoir, Redefining Realness. 

Follow the Advocate link above for more details on her first show So Popular with Janet Mock.

Brazilian Transgender Beauty

Our  Cyrsti's Condo feature covers today are two gorgeous MtF Brazilian transgender women, Roberta Holanda and Marcela Ohio: