No Easy Way Out.

 

Image from Peter Fogden
on UnSplash.

When I had grown used to escaping my male problems by dressing in front of the mirror in my small stash of girl’s clothes and makeup the best I could, then I forgot my problems. It was an effective way to find a way out.

Before I knew it, I was digging myself a hole I would have a difficult time getting out of. As always, my main problems came from my refusal to accept my gender issues. I would cycle through the same old issues such as cross dressing until I relieved all the pressure I was under as my male self. Then knowing the relief would only last a couple of days.

Occasionally, I thought I would find the way out of my gender shell by trying the infamous “purge” which would finally do away with my feminine self altogether. Of course, we all know purging was no escape either as in a very short time, my urge to cross dress would flood back in again. All of this resulted in depression I struggled to control.  Years flew by before I was diagnosed as being bi-polar by a gender therapist I was going to. The diagnosis helped me to understand why I would sometimes want to do nothing but stay in bed. Fortunately, I was able to find a medication to help me that I was able to tolerate, and to this day, my depression is under control. Plus, having my bi-polar under control allowed me to separate it from my gender issues.

It became extremely important when I was matched up with a therapist from the Veteran’s Administration who controlled my gender affirming hormones. One thing I did not need was a therapist who connected my dots wrong and left me no escape. What I mean is, if I was matched with a therapist who thought my depression and gender issues were connected in any way. As with other things I excessively worried about, the therapist I ended up being matched up with never connected my dots wrong, and my HRT and depression medications were always kept separate.

Escape finally came slowly when I began to take control of my own life. I went down a huge rabbit hole I had been ignoring. As I left my old gender closet and explored the rabbit hole as a whole new person, I discovered the world I had only dreamed of as I began to live as a transgender woman. I also found many new layers of a feminine life I knew nothing about. I went from creating a fictional trans woman to a real person as I explored the world. The real person I became had to be able to communicate with the world at large. As with any other worlds I ever discovered (such as the military) being a transgender woman came with a whole new set of rules I could not escape.  

As my confidence increased, so did my success in building a new life. I so badly did not want to escape at any costs, I risked all my male life such as family, friends, and employment to live as a transfeminine person. I was putting on the line such as the benefits of hard-earned male privileges, a long-term marriage and a good job. All to follow my feminine dreams. It turned out, I learned many lessons when I was attempting to escape the rabbit hole I was making for myself.

Some would say it took a lot of courage to do what I did. While others would think I was nothing but a fool. I would say neither is the case because in order to live in this world at all, I knew I would have to make changes to escape. By the time I needed to make the final transition decision, I was nearly sixty and it had been weighing heavily on my shoulders for years. By then, I took all my so called “practice” time and became a transgender woman on a mission.

I escaped all excuses and rabbit holes I explored on my way to living my dream. Becoming my true self in a woman’s world was incredibly difficult to do. Just when I thought I was conquering the road I was on was being successful, I learned I was only just beginning and there were many obstacles to come. I was lucky enough to be able to negotiate everything by having wives to women friends to help me on the way.

If I had given up the fight and given in to the true desires I was having, I would have never had to think I had no way out.

 

Intersections

 

Image Courtesy Transvestia Magazine

Over the years, I have realized I have experienced several important intersections in my gender development. 

Perhaps my first intersection came when I initially glimpsed my image as a girl in a full length hallway mirror I had at home when I was growing up. I was enamored and immediately wanted to do more. I was hooked to the point where I knew I wanted to do more than just look like a girl, I wanted to be one. Which turned out to be the first indication I had I was more than a cross-dresser, I was transgender. A key intersection into my future.

As I grew up, I faced the same problems other gender dysphoric youth faced too. Our gender closets were very dark and lonely. Particularly in the pre-internet and social media era. Many of you remember when Virginia Prince and her Transvestia publication intersected our lives and we discovered we weren't alone in the world. For me it was a life changing experience when I began to regularly receive my bi-monthly issue of the publication. Of course I wanted desperately to look as good as the models I saw in Transvestia. 

The next major intersection of my gender life came when I started to attend transvestite mixers I read about. Finally, I could meet like minded cross dressers and see what they were up to. What I discovered was a multi layered group of people who were much more diverse than the run of the mill cross-dresser.  I was very enamored with the group I called the "A" listers. Most of them were impossibly feminine and headed towards gender realignment surgeries but others weren't and even brought their girlfriends or spouses. Deep down, I knew where my intersection needed to be, I wanted to hang out with the  "A's" . Just not share their often arrogant attitudes. Even still, I felt I still didn't fit in with either of the groups. I wanted more than just looking like a woman or going under the surgical knife to somehow prove I was a woman. 

Even though I have been able to maintain my attitudes concerning gender surgeries to this day, none of it applied to the decision I needed to make when I approached the choice of undertaking hormone replacement therapy. Again the intersection of my gender life took over and I went to a doctor to be checked out and approved for my hormones. Finally I was on the external and internal gender path I wanted to be on. Externally I was feminized to help me get by in the world as a transgender woman and surprisingly there were many internal changes also. I intersected with my deep seated feminine self and suddenly I was able to feel the world in ways I never thought possible. 

Excepting gender surgeries I never had, I was intersecting with the world as my authentic self in ways I never thought possible. My days living in the mirror and wishing I was a girl were coming true. 

Under Twinkling Holiday Lights

Image courtesy Clifton Mill 

In my past, when I was progressing down my very difficult gender path and leaving my old male self behind, I began to try to experience new and exciting things. 

Part of my plan was to experience activities I enjoyed as a man and experience them as my new feminine self who was enjoying the time in the public's eye. Keep in mind she did not  know how being in public would work at all. She had so little time having done it. 

One of the activities my second wife and I enjoyed doing on a regular basis was taking the short trip to a vintage working grist mill It has become famous in the area for it's Christmas decorations To put it all into perspective, the venue says there are four million lights although I don't know who is patient enough to count them all. None of that mattered to me as I planned for my chance to experience life as my authentic self which was becoming much more than an impossible dream. At the time, my second wife had not passed away as yet and I was very much sneaking around behind her back when I cross dressed as a woman and left the house. I arranged my work schedule to have a rare Friday night off, knowing she would have to work because she was in retail as a manager of a major book store. My plan worked to perfection and in the holiday season hustle and bustle she indeed had to work. She knew all along of my cross -dressing desires but drew the line at me going public as my feminine self. 

As the time went by, I needed to plan what I was going to wear for this all-important evening. I needed to plan for the weather and for my comfort at the same time. I knew the parking situation at the Mill was not the best and I would need to walk a distance to see the lights and holiday displays. For the evening, which turned to be an ideal mid-December, chilly winter evening. The moon and stars were out and I was ready for the magic which was coming my way. But first things first, I had to choose my warmest, fuzziest sweater, leggings and comfortable boots which were suitable for walking. After putting on my clothes and makeup I thought I looked the part of an upscale woman out for a night at the Mill. Little did I know how wonderful the evening would turn out to be. Under the sparling stars and twinkling Christmas lights I finally would have the chance to live as the feminine transgender person I always felt I could be. 

Of course, the first obstacle I needed to conquer was the fairly simple task of stopping and waiting in line for a much-needed hot cocoa with marshmallows. Once I reached the front of the line, I was so nervous, I could barely order. I summoned every ounce of my courage to tell the woman behind the counter and in a low voice ordered my beverage. I was happy and my confidence grew when she smiled at me, took my money, and gave me my drink, and she even wished me a Happy Holidays.  From then on, I had to make a conscious effort to slow the evening down because I was moving so fast and not enjoying the moment as much as I should. From then on I slowed down and enjoyed being in the public's eye as the feminine person I always wanted to be. To celebrate, I even splurged and stopped at another concession for hot cocoa. 

What I remember the most about the whole experience was how heightened my senses were. The lights were brighter and twinkled even better than before. The only thing missing was a visit from Santa Claus himself. He was scheduled to appear later, much to the joy of all the kids in the crowd. In the meantime, I was able to shop the Mill's gift shop but could not buy anything for several reasons. The main one being having my wife questioning what I was doing there in the first place without her.

Before I knew it, I had seen all the animated attractions, plus the Santa doll display. All in full view of an accepting world which was a first for me. From that point forward I had the confidence to do more and more towards exploring the world as the person I always wanted to be. When I had the chance, I started to do the rest of my Christmas shopping as a transgender woman. I look back on my trip to the Mill as the beginning of a wonderful lifetime transformation. I discovered I could be me no matter how difficult the path may prove to be. Discovering the basic differences, the binary genders deal with was a major path to follow.

In many ways, the excitement of the first evening under the holiday lights would be a wonderful beginning to the life I was always destined to live. It was never as easy as walking among the crowds of people un-noticed sipping a hot drink, it was enjoying the totality of being myself. Which would become so increasingly complex as the years progressed in my life. All in all, the holidays lights were a wonderful, even magical beginning to a better life. Without knowing it, I was giving myself a wonderful holiday gift my inner self was wishing for. 

Sadly, time was up too soon and I had to head home to beat my wife there as well as take all vestiges of my makeup off my face. I knew one thing; I couldn't wait to experience such a fun night out again.  

Fear as a Motivator

 

Image from Amanda Jones
on UnSplash

Most of the time I can't remember the number of times I was paralyzed with fear as I pursued my gender path from a serious cross dresser to novice transgender woman. 

Examples include nights I sat in my car sitting in fear trying to figure out if I would go into the venue at all. Some decisions were easy such as entering gay venues but others were much more difficult.  Along the way also I made poor choices on which venues I was trying to go into which caused me to have more fear in the future. Mainly when I tried to visit redneck-ish places to see if I could present well enough to be accepted. The end result a couple of times were not good when I had the police called on me. I learned my lesson and was much more selective on where I went. It worked and the power of my fear was ultimately rewarded when I discovered venues where I could relax, have rest room privileges and become a regular patron.

There was a time when I considered the rush I received when I conquered my fear was a primary reason I cross dressed at all. Of course I finally realized fear was not why I wanted so badly to be a woman. The entire process went much deeper than all of that. What it did do was encourage me to go farther down my gender path. I set up goals I wanted to achieve. When I considered fear as a factor in future cross dressing decisions, it soon was reduced to just being nervous. Ironically, being nervous still sticks with me to this day. I need to push myself to certain restroom decisions because years ago, choosing the women's room was the primary reason I became a target of the public. By years ago, I mean the last time I experienced any restroom problems was nearly three decades ago but then again I am still nervous even though I know my way around the etiquette of using the women's room.  

Eventually I began to understand fear and used it as a powerful motivator. When I was considering not going to a party or a new venue I use fear as a reason to move forward. Of course now since it is rare I go anywhere without my wife Liz, we make a couple which keeps most transphobes at bay. 

Since I am mentally predisposed to having anxiety, I still have a tendency to worry about things such as me being mis-gendered again at my upcoming colonoscopy. Even though I keep thinking if that is all I have to worry about, I really don't have any issues at all...relatively speaking. I better begin to worry about the results of the exam as well as the unpleasant prep process I will have to go through before hand. 

It has occurred to me also, maybe I should have done a better job separating fear with excitement. My earliest days of exploring the world as a transgender woman were very exciting and the fear on occasion was a powerful motivator to conquer the gender anxiety in my life and move on. Plus, overcoming my fears gave me the all important confidence to move into a transgender life.  

A Night at the Orchestra

 

Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra

Admittedly, my life as a music fan had leaned towards the classic rock genre. The closest I had been to a concert venue was years before when I went to a Halloween late night silent movie horror show dressed as a shabby prostitute. Now...

When I began to seriously date and live with Liz (now my wife), she expanded my horizons since she was a fan of all sorts of music including the classic and or orchestral scene. It turned out, she wanted someone to go with to see the Cincinnati orchestra's holiday concert. Without thinking of all the ramifications, I quickly agreed to go with her. 

The ramifications I am talking about were back in those days, I was still very much a novice as a public transgender woman. Plus I didn't have anything to wear to an event which ranged from semi-formal to formal. To find something to wear on a very limited budget, I set out on the improbable task of finding an outfit in a thrift store. Amazingly, I did find a black, very sparkly long dress which I could wear with a fringed shawl and for better or for worse I was ready to go. I finished off my black formal look with black tights and comfortable black flats for walking. Once my outfit had been decided, the toughest part was yet to come. 

Getting there was a different story. As I remember, public transportation was available for us to come close to the Music Hall where the performance was to take place. As always my limited mobility issues were a problem as we needed to arrive as close as possible. Plus, by using public transportation we could save money also as Cincinnati has a street car which runs close to the front of Music Hall but it didn't run late enough to help us in the return journey. What we did was decide to do was hail a taxi cab to take us to our next stop. Once we had the logistics of arriving and departing the concert, I needed to concentrate on the paranoia I was feeling about facing the public as a transgender woman in a totally foreign situation. 

Very soon, it was time to attempt to put my fears behind me and enjoy myself. Regardless of my fears, I think most of the public at the concert were in their own worlds and not mine. When that realization sat in, I was able to be impressed by the musical concert. It certainly was not all about me. 

The next stop for our evening was going to be a bit more difficult. First, we had to negotiate a crowd of people attempting to hail a cab. Our second stop or venue was approximately ten or more blocks away and was a place we had been to before so I felt comfortable ahead of time. We had a great time again and all to soon it was time for the trip home. Since we did not want to drink and drive, we ended up taking an Uber ride home. 

After the concert experience I had, I considered it one of the most defining experiences of my novice transgender life. I learned I could put my fears behind me and live a life I had always dreamed of. Overall, I had a great time and experienced a night I will never forget and for the year put me in a first- class holiday state of mind.

Supporting Cast

I'm on left with Nikki and Kim
on right.

There was no way I could have pursued my male to female gender transition as quickly and as thoroughly as I did without help from my women friends. 

Having said that, it is important to note I had already made it to the point in my transition when I could present rather well as a woman in public. In other words, I had paid my dues learning to dress to blend with other women in the venues I frequented. When I went to upscale malls, I went with my nicest professional business woman attire and then I would wear my jeans, boots and sweaters going to my sports bars or lesbian bars. To me at the time, the entire process was great fun and presented me with yet another facet of being feminine. 

After I had learned from all of my mistakes (or most of them), I was able to learn so much more about going even further towards my dream goal of living as a full time transgender woman. By pure chance I ran into two other women in the sports bars I was frequenting and we became fast friends. One of the main things I learned was I didn't need a man to validate my existence as a transgender woman because my two friends just happened to be lesbians.  Along the way, we drank a lot of beer, cheered on our favorite sports teams and had a great time. I think the evening I remember the most was when I was asked to be Nikki's wing person when she was trying to get a conversation started with another woman she admired. I agreed to try If you are wondering, I failed at my attempt to set Nikki up for success. It turned out to be my only attempt ever to act as a wing person at a lesbian mixer. All of that happened back in 2015.

Of course too, there was Liz who I met on a on-line dating site under "woman seeking woman" categories. She too identified as a lesbian, so I had quite a bit of experience on some of her thought patterns involving men. With her, my supporting cast just became stronger. At the time, I was in the last stages of still attempting to maintain some sense of having a male life. Very quickly, we formed a bond which included a first date to a drag show and a New Years Eve date when I first started my hormone replacement therapy medication. At the time, she very much sealed the deal on me transitioning further. I knew I was on the right path. 

I kept on putting off going full-time as a transgender woman long enough until Liz finally told me she didn't see any male in me at all and why didn't I leave him behind. I did and started a ten year relationship which culminated just over a year ago with us getting married. Throughout the years, she has been my supporting cast.

Plus I can't forget my daughter's input on my life. She has accepted me from day one. Even to the point of giving me my first hair styling appointment to her salon for my birthday. Which is a post for another time. 

To all of my supporting cast, I love you all.

Forces of Nature

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 As we go through life as transgender women or trans men, we just have to develop a hard shell of sorts to get us by.

Sadly, we often have to resort to hiding and sneaking around our family's back to at the least keep our gender dysphoria issues at bay. At least in my case, even though I wasn't proud of it, I spent hours or even days trying to figure out how I could do my cross dressing. Even to the point I wish I could get back just a portion of the creative energy I expended on dressing like a girl. Obviously, it is way too late now to worry over expended energy as the entire process made me stronger.

Little did I know, I would need all of the strength I could summon to make it through my upcoming long and twisted gender journey. Along the way, I needed to survive all the unkind external forces I would end up facing. Before I grasped the importance of learning how to cross dress my male body to blend into the world. Possibly the biggest lesson I needed to learn was cis-women ran the world I wanted to be a part of. Without the women's help and approval, there would be no way I would be allowed to play in their sandbox, as I like to refer to it as. 

To be a force of nature, I needed to learn to be a gentle force. In other words I needed to play off my gender differences. I could never try to claim my womanhood the same way my friends did but I could claim my right to admittance to being a woman because I had always felt deep down I had always felt feminine. All the way to the point I had always been a student of everything feminine. I paid my own dues in so many ways to finally pave my path to my trans womanhood. One of the most amazing parts of my journey came when I was chosen to be a part of a photo shoot here in Cincinnati which featured all sorts of different kinds of women. 

Being a force of nature is often a burden also. On occasion I think people expect too much from transgender women or trans men. For the same reason we are feared in some circles these days, other people want to hate on us as a community. Mainly because they don't understand our lifestyle. It is especially evident to me when it comes to certain politicians I have recently seen. Primarily when my "gay-dar" immediately went off when I saw the new Speaker of the House who has repeatedly issued homophobic comments. 

All in all, it takes every bit of knowledge we trans people have acquired to make it in a world hostile to us. In a climate where certain political parties and religions are trying to erase us, the fact remains we have always been here and always will. 

Rest assured, we are true transgender forces of nature. Trained to do our best to survive as a tribe and never go back. 

Gender Misfits

Image from Bruno Guerrero 
on UnSplash

I know I am speaking to the choir here when I point out how alone we all felt concerning our gender issues early in life.

Those of us of a certain age vividly remember the days before the internet brought the world closer and social media made it easier to contact like minded transgender individuals. Or I should say cross dressers and/or transvestites were included also. Suddenly, a whole new world was available to us.

In the meantime, there was so much we needed to figure out on our own. Without any sort of a peer group to help us with our clothes and makeup, often the process of adjusting to the world took longer. So, the feeling of being a misfit became very ingrained. I know for the longest time, I deeply felt all of my gender problems were of my own doing. How else could I explain the differences I felt with everyone else? Long story short, I couldn't and often my feelings left me deeply depressed.  How could I ever move through my life.

Somehow I made it through this very unsure time of my life. The problem was I was usually unable to seek out any long term friendships. Outside of a very few exceptions, I had very few friends in the new, larger high school I transferred to from the small rural school I previously went to. Plus, as far as girl friends were concerned, it took me until the end of my junior year to have my first date with a girl at all and that one was basically set up by people I barely knew. I was being set up for a friend of theirs's for the prom that year. Once again, I felt as if I was a misfit and should be the one wearing the elegant gown and be the one receiving the flowers. Even though I was scared to death, I made it through the evening and even ended up having a fairly good time.

Even with the first big date with a girl out of the way, I still felt as if I was still a misfit. I stayed in my very small group of friends who were mainly into sports and cars which enabled me to keep the bullies away. At least if I was a misfit, I was a protected one. 

Amazingly, when I went away to college, my desire to be a girl hit an all time low...for awhile. Of course, just when I was feeling like I was able to shake my misfit status, the old feelings came back. Before I knew it, once again I was cross dressing as much as I could and I was still feeling as my old misfit self. 

It wasn't until much later in life when I was able to fully accept myself as a transgender woman. When I did, the whole time I thought I was a misfit was wrong. I also discovered transvestite mixers and support groups where I met others with similar gender issues. The whole process enabled me to discover where I belonged on the gender spectrum. Meeting others was all it took to take away all doubts of me being the one who was a misfit. 

I just wish it didn't take me so long to come to the realization society was made up of misfits and not me.

Two Alpha Women and a Trans Girl

 

Image from WheresLugo
on UnSplash

Over the years as I write about frequently, I wonder quite a bit how I turned out the way I did as a transitioning transgender woman. 

Recently I have come to realize I experienced a serious battle between two alpha females and one lonely transgender girl was what was going on. I should have recognized the battle much sooner because I experienced two alpha females attempting to live together under the same roof.  What happened was when I was a teenager, my Dad somehow engineered his Mom moving into an already crowded house with my younger brother and more importantly my Mom. Of course an uneasy truce was established between the two women. Leaving me less time to practice my feminine past-time in the hall way mirror. What I did learn was the power of an alpha woman. If you don't think women can be alpha, you certainly have not been paying attention to how the genders interact in the world. 

Fast forward many years to the point when I began to seriously transition to being a full time transgender woman. It was the time I began to seriously clash with my second wife who had always known I was a transvestite or cross dresser but hated any thoughts of me living a transgender existence. During that period of time I really tried to have her accept me as a woman but it never came close to happening. Looking back, I can see now why. My way of trying to gain her acceptance was to mimic the way she dressed, as close as I could. In order to not look like a man in women's clothes, I simply had to wear makeup to present as well as I could. What ever I tried was never good enough to gain her acceptance and I think now I have an idea why.

I started with remembering what woman friends my second wife had. Overall she had a few close friends but probably not many more than I had male friends. All her friends were similar to her in that they didn't wear much makeup or overly feminine frilly dresses. It was quite the adjustment for me early on when I attempted to fit in with her. Which never happened. I think now, deep down, my wife realized she was dealing with another alpha woman who was just beginning her journey The woman I refer to of course was me and similar to my Mom and Grandma, clashes were impossible to avoid. As I transitioned, it turned out nearly all of my feminine role models were alpha women. It just took me years to grow out of my closet and accept my teachings.

Perhaps these days, it may be easier to be an alpha woman. Even if you are transgender. In fact I know a couple. With all the legislative and social pushback going on against the LGBTQ community (especially the Trans group) we have to be stronger to explore the world as our authentic selves than ever before. 

If you are still in your closet, timidly thinking about coming out into the world, keep in mind you may be harboring another alpha female just waiting for her chance to shine. As far as my second wife is concerned, she sadly passed away in 2007 without ever accepting the authentic self. My fondest desire is even if she could never accept me being a transgender woman, she still could accept me as a friend. On the other hand, I am so fortunate in that I was accepted totally nearly twelve years ago by my current wife Liz who was instrumental in helping me finally escape my gender closet.  Destiny was indeed kind to me and my alpha female training helped me to be whole.  

More Rest Room Hints

Connie wrote in with more restroom hints:

"At our age, carrying a Tampon and offering it may be grounds for suspicion. Carrying and offering an incontinence pad may work, however. :-) Also, since - no matter how many surgeries we would get - we will still always have a prostate that is often affected by age. So, flow may vary. I had a cross dresser friend who used to describe what she heard in the ladies room as a "cow pissing on a flat rock." I could never duplicate that sound, especially when sitting. But then, I almost always squat, as I don't really like sitting on pubic toilet seats. When it's a unisex facility, I especially won't sit, since there are plenty of guys who won't lift the seat, just as there are guys who won't put it down.

Another thing to remember, especially when wearing pantyhose, is to always check to be sure you have not tucked the back of your dress. I did that once, in my fledgling days, and a woman ran to warn me just as I was going out the door into the crowded lobby of a theater. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also had a ribbon of toilet paper stuck to my high heel. Needless to say, any attempts I'd made to not be noticed while in the restroom were completely blown as I tried to leave!"

I neglected to say I carried the feminine hygiene products way back in the day when I was younger and could have been perceived as still needing one. Plus, I wanted to be ready for the first snarky cis woman who asked me for one. 

I also appreciate the dress in the pantyhose comment, as it has happened to me too. Also, the long skirts I own and specifically the two maxi dresses in my wardrobe totally intimidate me in the rest room. 

Even with all these ideas, I am sure there are a couple I am missing. Of course cis women have most likely lived through all of these "Girl Code" bathroom debacles too and could add their own... like what do you do when there are no paper towels after you wash your hands. 

If you have anything to add...please comment! Thanks as always for yours Connie.

Transitioning Around Transitioning

As I have mentioned many times here in Cyrsti's Condo, there are many stages in a Mtf transition. Very rarely I suppose, does a transgender woman wake up early in her transition and say "this is the day", go out and throw her male clothes in the trash.

Personally, I think I went through at least distinct transitions before I arrived at the point I am today.

Let's check in on Connie's ideas:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 16, 2017 at 11:43 AM

In my mind, I had begun transition about 18 months before I went full-time living as a woman. There had been little doubt that I was ready (long overdue, really) to live as my true self, but I felt obligated to others to plan and allow them to transition along with me. That is, family and friends were more important to me than whatever solace my transition may have brought me. By that time, I had already been living 80% as a woman, which was pretty easy. The last 20% took a lot of work, however. The 80% was in terms of time, but the 20% of time was ten times more important to me. Three Thanksgivings have passed now since I began my 100% life, and I couldn't imagine going back to 80% - which is as far back as I know I could manage, anyway.

I, like Paula, am a musician. I had long wondered how I would be accepted by an audience as a woman, and also by other musicians. I had been performing for mostly cross dressers for about a year, but that was more of a novelty, and not so affirming. I was in a blues/jazz band as my male self at the same time, and one day I secured a job for the band at a charity event called "Cross Dress for Success," raising money for "Dress for Success," helping low income women with business attire to help them find jobs. Using my cunning and decisiveness (honed so well over the years), I had a clause put in the contract that "at least one member of the band must be cross dressed." That opened the door for me to come out to my band, but what happened later was far beyond my expectations. Someone at the event wanted to hire us for another event (having nothing to do with trans), but insisted that I be just who I am. That led to a series of gigs for "Connie Dee and The Sciaticats (we all had bad backs, but were cool as cats), and I never appeared on stage as my old male self again. I went on to bill myself as "The Fabulous Connie Dee," adding the "fabulous" because there was already a "Connie Dee," hence the name you see here.

I'd have to say that love is what helps to make the decision to transition. Love who you are, love those who are important to you, and love what you do (or continue to do what you always loved)."

As always thanks!

I too agree with the 80%. I had an tendency to over think the final 20% as I transitioned. I was too concerned with every move I made and with every nuance of how I looked. It was only after I finally began to gain confidence (and relax) did I begin to really enjoy my new life.

Happy Labor Day...Almost

Almost, because I am sending all my belated best to my readers in Texas impacted by hurricane Harvey. Hopefully, recovery will be as speedy as possible for you and yours!

Secondly, this post will be going live the day after Labor Day here because Tuesday (tomorrow) I will be busy all day having breakfast with my daughter and a trip to my attorney.

Finally, Connie did all my labor for me when she commented on a recent Cyrsti's Condo post basically revolving around being transgender as a choice:

"Who we are and what we think ourselves to be don't always add up, even within the scope of gender dysphoria. Some cross dress their whole lives, never feeling the need to transition. Others, like us, used cross dressing as a way to cope. That WAS a CHOICE - as was our transitioning. For me, I first had to make the decision (choice) to come out as being something other than what I had been presenting myself to be. That's when I quit cross dressing, because, if I were to discard my dishonesty, I had to allow myself to never present as a man again. It did take a couple of years to achieve 100% on that, as there were some family members who I felt needed protection (OK, I did cross dress occasionally, as a man, for that). Another choice, it was.

It's been over two years since I have had to choose anything having to do with my gender identity. I know that I could never go back to living the lie I had been caught up in for so many decades, even though, physically, I could easily present as male in five minutes. That's just never going to happen, though. That's not a choice I even need to consider making anymore."

Thanks again Connie!

Could I...Would I?

Around here, it's the time of the year when Girl Scouts jump up everywhere it seems to peddle their ubiquitous cookies. Including my granddaughter.

As I see them do it, I wonder how it must have been to have been able to join the Girl Scouts. Instead of my exceedingly short miserable stay in the Boy Scouts. Of course I will never know, just like not being able to take Home Economics in high school and learning to cook and sew, etc. Way before transgender, and LGBT were even words for the most part.

I believe now, the most important lesson I would have learned is how girls/young women interacted among themselves when boys were not present. Back in those days where I went to school, the genders were pretty much segregated. Girls to Home Ec, boys to Auto Mechanics. So of course I wanted to be in with the girls as a girl, not as a boy cross dressed as one.

Closets being what they were (and are still) I evaded much of the derision and bullying I would have had to put up with. I played sports, followed the college prep studies and went to proms. Or, I played the game enough to get by, get home and steal away some precious time to cross dress alone.

As time has a way of doing, it went so slow back then and seems like a blur now. Time though does not heal all, as I still wonder "what if." What if I had done more to express myself and had the courage to at least try to step out of the closet. I do know then, the life I had would have been seriously impacted under the harsh lights of an ignorant world.

So on and on I went and here I am finally where I wanted to be...almost. Yesterday was a good example of being called a "he" at one stop and treated like a star by a millennial at another.

Overall the "could" came true and the "would" provided me all I could ask for so far!

Full Moon (Archive Post)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Night under the Full Moon!

In my youth, my family and I fished a lot. The waiting game was never one of my strong points but adjust I did.
Some believed if you fished on a full moon , you caught more fish.
To para phrase Alan Jackson's "It's Five O Clock Somewhere" tune, I was sitting under someone's full moon this weekend. (we were not under one) None the less, I caught a lot of fun.

Normally I try to stay out of the way. I hate to stay home, so I go out to be alone or socialize with a couple friends. Regardless, I've always considered my evenings out a fishing trip. Wait and see what happens.

Friday night I made my way into a real quiet little gay bar. I frequent it because it is small and quiet. About half way through my first beer a couple came in and sat a couple seats down at the bar. Very quickly they both were sizing me up and as close as I could tell, he was gay and she was his sister. Then the fun started.
The girl (a real one) was his friend and liberally intoxicated. She was a hairdresser/make up person by trade. Her credits included some stops in New York, San Fran and others. She was home and rowdy and soon setting next to me.

I was flattered that at first she thought I was "real". Then she told me " why would a single girl be hanging out in a gay bar." We exchanged names and drinks and it was time for the girl to girl smoke break  on the patio (Ohio is a non smoking state). She filled me in on her past and even offered to critique my "look".
Wow!

I loved it. Most of my make up passed except my lips (too much lipstick) and I got some great tips on my eyes.
Better yet, I got an  an offer to go with them to their next stop, a bigger club with a drag show. It's a club not known for it's support of the transgendered community.  In fact I really boycott the place except when I get an invitation like that night. (Yeah, I sold out)
The clientele is probably 95% gay male who don't have any reason to accept "girls" like me. I don't need acceptance but I don't need passive aggressive either.
Didn't matter, I had my engraved invitation. Walking in  with her and friend made a remarkable difference. He was as friendly to me as her so I had plenty of attention. Even from the performers who thought I used to perform with them. Wow.
All good things must come to an end however and I hung around for awhile when she got really wild. I headed out for a calmer finish to my evening.
What a great experience it was to get some real beauty hints and of course the great interaction!
Maybe some day I'll see her doing makeup or hair on a reality show!
I need the "full moons"  if my life is to be as exciting as some perceive it to be! If it was, I wouldn't be able to walk or talk. I would be exhausted. After all, we know our lifestyles on both gender coasts are SO exciting and decadent! Ha!
If I don't notice you on the sidewalk, I'm just on the outlook for a "full moon" Sorry!

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A Life in Gender Flux

Cross Dressing and the Guy Next Door?

After the Cyrsti's Condo "20 Word" post on words you believe to be female in nature, Connie came up with an idea to do 20 for cross dressers and Jeni even directed me over to a Paula Goodwin Facebook post on "Crossdressing Success Stories." Both are incredibly interesting. 

First, Paula's- being the bitch I am (on the 20 word list) or inquiring minds want to know, doesn't one have to define what dictates "success" as a crossdresser? I mean if you can go shopping or whatever as a girl and not be "busted as a guy",is that "success? In that case, I'm pretty sure I had tons more failures than success. I guess the biggest success I had though was figuring out the clothes actually had very little to do with the process. Something much deeper was going on. Which brings me to another comment sent in from Jeni (I paraphrase) - how many times does cross dressing lead to a person becoming transgender. 

Number one, I don't believe someone "becomes" trans. Either you is, or you 'ain't.' It may manifest itself in your life at any time, but it's there. So, like marijuana leading to doing heroin, a cross dresser will not automatically take the path to a transgender future. If the dots are already there-they are easier to connect.

As far as 20 "crossdressing words", here is part of Connie's comment:

"OK, we could try to come up with a different list: 20 Reasons People Cross Dress. Notice that I say "people", as the lists may be different for men than for women. Also, and more importantly, designating the sex of the cross dresser would change the whole definition. That is, I believe there is a difference between a cis male who identifies as such, but partakes in the activity of wearing women's attire (to whatever degree and for whatever reason) and a cis male who (gender) identifies as a woman wearing women's attire (to whatever degree and for whatever duration).

 I know many more (self proclaimed) cross dressers than (self proclaimed) transgender women ("full-time" or "part-time"), yet I'm not sure that the self-proclamations are always accurate. Many of the cross dressers may have just settled for the lifestyle out of fear of the loss of loved ones or a career, but they, at the same time, identify their genders as being female in secret. So, they cross dress (or do they?), when they can get away with it, as a coping mechanism. Furthermore, their self-proclamation could very well be a coping mechanism (denial) in itself. *Been there-done that."

Go here for the rest!

Not Trans Enough?

As I said in my last Crysti's Condo post, this paragraph explains why the transgender elitists of the world would not agree with the following "two spirit" Native American concept:

Rather than the physical body, Native Americans emphasised a person's "spirit", or character, as being most important. Instead of seeing two-spirit persons as transsexuals who try to make themselves into "the opposite sex", it is more accurate to understand them as individuals who take on a gender status that is different from both men and women. This alternative gender status offers a range of possibilities, from slightly effeminate males or masculine females, to androgynous or transgender persons, to those who completely cross-dress and act as the other gender. The emphasis of Native Americans is not to force every person into one box, but to allow for the reality of diversity in gender and sexual identities.


Read more here from the Guardian.

Dragging Yourself to Work?

This post is actually not about me, but a couple of guys who worked for me over the years and their Halloween costumes.  As many of you already know here in Cyrsti's Condo, I worked for years in the commercial sit down restaurant business. During Halloween, the "bosses" allowed us to have an evening of "dress up" for the servers and bar tenders.  Over the years, I think surprisingly, I did not have very many instances of my male servers showing their "feminine" sides in drag.  Two did though and here is the story:

The first server was a very effeminate "out" cis gay guy from an era when gay men did not have as much acceptance as they do today,  He didn't care (which was cool by me) but on Halloween he came to work as a drag queen - complete with heels. First of all, the company costume rules forbid any potentially dangerous footwear.  Heels definitely fit that description but- when the store manager (a genetic) called him on it, he said "why? you wear heels in here all the time?"  I bit my lip and vacated the area and the next time I saw him, indeed he was wearing his pumps.  The "moral to the story"?  His feet were killing him after his four hour shift.  He had won the fashion battle, but lost the war!

The second story comes much later in another restaurant and really came out of no where.  I had one very androgynous server on my staff and really gave it no thought how he would dress for the Halloween shift and in fact, didn't even though he was scheduled.  I (like everyone else) was surprised when he came in to work cross dressed and I didn't even know him. My only real tip off came when before he came back to clock in for his shift, he stopped at the bar and said good by to his girl friend who had brought him to work.  His costume for the shift was simply coming as one of my genetic servers and he effortlessly succeeded.

I can't even begin to tell you how many of my regular guests that night asked me who "she" was and was it true "she wasn't?"

Those two experiences were about it over the years.  Not many "braved the restaurant" elements to cross dress or do drag at Halloween in any of the restaurants I managed.  Over all, it was just too tough to do because of safety considerations. As far as I was concerned, I never even considered coming to work as a girl at all.  In fact, one year I came dressed in my old Army uniform (yep-still could fit in to it  in the mid 1990's) and one year as "God".  I wore white sheets over my regular dress shirt and tie. Wore one of my huge "mistake wigs" - a long straight platinum blond and cut off enough to make my self a "Fu-manchu" mustache.

Think of it this way, if God says did you enjoy your meal- you dammed straight better say yes!

Cyrsti's Condo "Wish List"

To lighten things up around the Condo, I'm passing along a couple of items I found:

The first is a dress I just love (and couldn't even wear) from a site called "Trans and Crossdress Beauty"
 

The second (from my own imagination)  is the first picture home to a "Duck Dynasty" watching family. From their son who just went away to college!

Hi Mom and Dad! Having a great time at my first dorm party!! Love you!!

Cyrsti's Condo "What If?"

If you went to college and were in a fraternity-perhaps you were called upon to cross dress as "punishment", a prank or as a theme event with a sorority on campus.  Here is an idea of how the idea wasn't so "terrible" for this frat boy:

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

Our feature cover today mtf crossdresser  Asa Mikan.When ever I see a selfie like this I can't imagine how it would feel to be that thin-never having been there. Some time ago, I did see an ultra pretty feminine Asian teen aged boy get out of a van with his family at my grocery store.  I understood then why many Asian boys easily cross dress into stunning women.