Female Privilege?

 

Is there such a thing as feminine privilege? Even though it is much different than male privilege, I think there is.

At first, the only privilege I could see in response to putting in all the work I was doing to present myself as an authentic woman was men would open doors for me. Ironically, opening doors for me was just a prelude to taking away my intelligence if they took the time to talk to me at all. Sort of like the tow truck driver one night who needed to explain the basics to me of how his wrecker worked before I gave in and just played the part of a dumb blond which matched the color of my wig, I was wearing that night when my car broke down.

What I was going through was losing my male privileges. The main one I always warn novice cross dressers or transgender women about is the male personal security privilege. Beware of going about your business as you had as a man when you jump the gender border because it could get you hurt. There is a reason women don’t go out alone into dark unsafe areas and you need to learn it too. You can get hurt, or worse if you have no one to protect you as a transfeminine person.

It took me awhile to realize there were many feminine privileges except for clothes and makeup. Like so many other things I was experiencing, I discovered the whole process was layered into the world of women as a whole. Much feminine privilege I found came from the separate world women create away from men. For example, to be allowed to play in the girl’s sandbox by cisgender women became much easier when and if I was accepted by an alpha female who acted as a gatekeeper. Much like when I was accepted in a venue I chose by a lead server or bartender. It was an easy way to earn the right to use the women’s room. All I needed to do was mind my own business and tip well and the alpha would do the rest.

At no point did I ever take the privileges or freedoms I had earned for granted. Because when I did, I would risk sliding back into the old male world I had come to dislike so much. There were many times when I sat alone and weighed the benefits of my new life to see if all the gender turmoil was worth it. On one hand, I was learning what my second wife told me I would have to learn about being a transgender woman, and on the other, I was scared to keep going towards a very steep gender cliff.

I suppose the biggest move I made towards learning what female privilege was all about was when I started gender affirming hormones or HRT.  As my body took to the new hormones as something it should have always had, as much as I appreciated the external changes, I appreciated the internal changes even more. My world rapidly seemed to soften as my emotional level increased for the first time in my life. I understood for the first time what women had gone through all those years in their lives. It was a privilege to try to erase as much as I could the effects of testosterone poisoning, which I had gone through so many years ago. As well as having the opportunity to go through my own version of female puberty while I still could.

The end result of my gender exploration was that each of the binary genders has their own privileges. It just is as if a man’s benefits are more pronounced, which is like a man’s life in general. As the man, I was for all those years, I was used to blustering and forcing my way through many situations I found myself in. Plus, I had very few real friends as a man which I could rely on to help when and if I found myself in a bind. Of course, women turned out to be different as I could rely on my cisgender women friends to help me in times of need. Which turned out to be mainly emotional, more than anything else.

After seeing both sides of the gender border, and having the chance to cross it, I made the right choice for me when I chose to seek out the real meaning of feminine privilege. Women certainly do not have it any easier, but I would take what I learned and feel secure in my choice to live in society as a transgender woman.

When Being OK was not Good Enough

 

JJ Hart and wife Liz on right at Picnic.

I grew up in Ohio raised by greatest generation parents who lived through WWII and the great depression. Often, they were long on material support and short on emotional backing.

The main thing I remember from my childhood was, nothing was ever good enough. Take school for an example, while I excelled at subjects such as History and English, I really struggled with the Math and Sciences. Even still, I was expected to bring home straight A’s on my grade card every year. I had no excuses, especially when I went to high school where my mom was a teacher. She was pushing me hard for good grades to make it possible to get accepted by a good university.

I guess I became used to the pushing and figured nothing was ever good enough for myself and it carried over into my gender issues. Every time the mirror lied to me and said I was an attractive girl, I did not believe it and had to discover another way to prove it. Very quickly I learned I needed to replace the mirror with the public. Leaving my dark, lonely closet was the only way I could learn if I could ever achieve my dream of living a transfeminine life. It took every bit of courage I could muster to do it but if OK was not enough (by just standing in front of the mirror), I had to force myself into the world.

When I did force myself, it was like I was getting adjusted to a new pair of shoes. At first, I was tight and uncomfortable before I started to relax and began the basics of enjoying myself. I say I began the basics, because at every turn on my gender path, it seemed I was hitting a wall. Those were the times I needed to step back and decide if I was doing the right thing.

Those examples and failures proved to me I needed to keep going. Mainly because I felt so natural when I was pushing the envelope to leave my male self behind and live more and more as a transgender woman.

On occasion, proving OK was not enough and trashing the envelope almost got me into trouble. Mainly when I began to walk the fine line when I lost my male privileges. The most important being personal security. I was out and out lucky and escaped personal harm by men in the world. I wasn’t smart enough or experienced enough to sense the danger zones women are raised around. I learned quickly to park in well-lit areas or to ask for friends to walk me to my car. I did not want to be a statistic.

As I went through the process of living within the same parameter’s cisgender women have to face, I became a sponge of sorts. Nothing I did as I transitioned was ever good enough as my parents’ lessons oddly came back to help me. I was especially attentive when I went out to socialize with my women friends. They never realized what they did for me as I formed my own version of womanhood. In many ways I became a gender hybrid. It was impossible for me to leave decades of living an impacted male existence behind me, so I tried to take the good with me. For example, I was fortunate to have worked around women in the restaurant business for most of my life and I knew the trials and tribulations cisgender women faced in the world.

To this day, I have not shaken the idea of just being OK is just OK. I must be better just to be successful in the competitive world of women. I knew they could be competitive but not as much as I discovered when I finally had the chance to play in the girl’s sandbox. The whole process made me a better person in the long run, but it was surely difficult at times. Often brief moments of gender euphoria kept me going in my darkest gender hours. That was when I needed to provide electricity in my closet to give me the ability to see right from wrong.

Since my parents were my driving force behind my personality, I never had the chance to thank them for what they did. My Mom knew about my gender issues and chose to ignore them, and my dad never knew so I doubt if either would be pleased about their child raising outcome. They never knew how well OK was never enough worked out for me in my life.

 

 

Let the World be your Classroom

 

Image from Aleksandar Andreev on
UnSplash.

It certainly is difficult to reach a space in gender time when you can relax and let the world be your classroom.

First of all, you need to acquire the confidence in yourself to view what other women around you are doing. Personally, I took the stairstep method on my gender path to finally acquire the stability I needed to grow into a stable transgender womanhood. Literally, for years, nothing seemed to come easy for me. I was very good at taking one step forward in my new world and then taking two steps back when I was rejected by the public. It was similar to the day when I thought I was on point with my fashion, makeup and wig. I was confidently walking down a mall sidewalk when one of my heels became stuck in a small crack in the walk and I almost fell. What were the odds? 

It was like the transgender gods were telling me I needed to keep learning and maybe what I just went through had happened to many other women in the past. I rapidly learned from then on to keep an eye out for any potential sidewalk issues. I was stubborn and slowly I kept acquiring the basics to stop looking at myself so much and begin to look around at what the other women around me were doing. They became my classroom at work where I worked with many women and out in the world with a group of strangers. Once I was allowed behind the gender curtain, I began to learn a lot. 

My first big lesson was women ran their world separate from men quite well. Women had their own forms of communication and style. The more accomplished women were the ones who were good at letting men think they were getting their way. I never really had to learn about dealing with men because the great majority of them left me alone. So, it was women I needed to worry about communicating with. Initially, I had few problems with other women because I was dealing with store clerks who did not care or were just interested in my money. It was not until I began to explore other facets of the world as a transgender woman did, I begin to learn the actual basics of looking another woman in the eye and talking to her. I even made it to the point where I initiated the conversation with such basics as a compliment on a dress or a piece of jewelry. When I did, I "broke" the ice so to speak and made it OK for the other woman to talk to me.

My second big lesson was there were actual alpha females who I knew from work. They were the ones who did an amazing job of balancing supervising others at work and still running a family at home. I realized, once I received a vote of support from an alpha female, I was in good shape. The whole process brought into focus how much I was able to learn from the women I worked with and secretly looked up to. I say secretly because I worked for a very male dominated company, and I did not have the support to provide the women what they needed to totally thrive. I simply was not that far up that ladder. 

As my classroom expanded, I began to write this blog, over a decade ago. Every once in a while, I go back and look over a few of my original posts. I noticed a big shift in the blog over the years. Initially, my posts revolved around how I looked and how I arrived where I was in life. On the other hand, currently my writings involve what is happening in the world now and how I arrived where I am now. Or, how I got to the point to stand in my gender space and be proud of it. What does remain constant here is all I set out to do was help others with the same gender issues I had. It just took a classroom to do it. Something I never considered when I was trapped in the dark confines of my own gender life. 

For the most part, I can now relax in the world and look around for any possible other reactions which are happily becoming increasingly rare. The classroom has gone full circle into a space I enjoy. I like going out to eat and even the LGBTQ peer support group meetings I attend virtually. They give me a chance to put on a little makeup and nicely brushout my hair. Every little bit helps in the world of a transgender woman or cross dresser. 

Two Alpha Women and a Trans Girl

 

Image from WheresLugo
on UnSplash

Over the years as I write about frequently, I wonder quite a bit how I turned out the way I did as a transitioning transgender woman. 

Recently I have come to realize I experienced a serious battle between two alpha females and one lonely transgender girl was what was going on. I should have recognized the battle much sooner because I experienced two alpha females attempting to live together under the same roof.  What happened was when I was a teenager, my Dad somehow engineered his Mom moving into an already crowded house with my younger brother and more importantly my Mom. Of course an uneasy truce was established between the two women. Leaving me less time to practice my feminine past-time in the hall way mirror. What I did learn was the power of an alpha woman. If you don't think women can be alpha, you certainly have not been paying attention to how the genders interact in the world. 

Fast forward many years to the point when I began to seriously transition to being a full time transgender woman. It was the time I began to seriously clash with my second wife who had always known I was a transvestite or cross dresser but hated any thoughts of me living a transgender existence. During that period of time I really tried to have her accept me as a woman but it never came close to happening. Looking back, I can see now why. My way of trying to gain her acceptance was to mimic the way she dressed, as close as I could. In order to not look like a man in women's clothes, I simply had to wear makeup to present as well as I could. What ever I tried was never good enough to gain her acceptance and I think now I have an idea why.

I started with remembering what woman friends my second wife had. Overall she had a few close friends but probably not many more than I had male friends. All her friends were similar to her in that they didn't wear much makeup or overly feminine frilly dresses. It was quite the adjustment for me early on when I attempted to fit in with her. Which never happened. I think now, deep down, my wife realized she was dealing with another alpha woman who was just beginning her journey The woman I refer to of course was me and similar to my Mom and Grandma, clashes were impossible to avoid. As I transitioned, it turned out nearly all of my feminine role models were alpha women. It just took me years to grow out of my closet and accept my teachings.

Perhaps these days, it may be easier to be an alpha woman. Even if you are transgender. In fact I know a couple. With all the legislative and social pushback going on against the LGBTQ community (especially the Trans group) we have to be stronger to explore the world as our authentic selves than ever before. 

If you are still in your closet, timidly thinking about coming out into the world, keep in mind you may be harboring another alpha female just waiting for her chance to shine. As far as my second wife is concerned, she sadly passed away in 2007 without ever accepting the authentic self. My fondest desire is even if she could never accept me being a transgender woman, she still could accept me as a friend. On the other hand, I am so fortunate in that I was accepted totally nearly twelve years ago by my current wife Liz who was instrumental in helping me finally escape my gender closet.  Destiny was indeed kind to me and my alpha female training helped me to be whole.