Showing posts with label fashion sense. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fashion sense. Show all posts

Saturday, August 9, 2025

No Easy Way Out.

 

Image from Peter Fogden
on UnSplash.

When I had grown used to escaping my male problems by dressing in front of the mirror in my small stash of girl’s clothes and makeup the best I could, then I forgot my problems. It was an effective way to find a way out.

Before I knew it, I was digging myself a hole I would have a difficult time getting out of. As always, my main problems came from my refusal to accept my gender issues. I would cycle through the same old issues such as cross dressing until I relieved all the pressure I was under as my male self. Then knowing the relief would only last a couple of days.

Occasionally, I thought I would find the way out of my gender shell by trying the infamous “purge” which would finally do away with my feminine self altogether. Of course, we all know purging was no escape either as in a very short time, my urge to cross dress would flood back in again. All of this resulted in depression I struggled to control.  Years flew by before I was diagnosed as being bi-polar by a gender therapist I was going to. The diagnosis helped me to understand why I would sometimes want to do nothing but stay in bed. Fortunately, I was able to find a medication to help me that I was able to tolerate, and to this day, my depression is under control. Plus, having my bi-polar under control allowed me to separate it from my gender issues.

It became extremely important when I was matched up with a therapist from the Veteran’s Administration who controlled my gender affirming hormones. One thing I did not need was a therapist who connected my dots wrong and left me no escape. What I mean is, if I was matched with a therapist who thought my depression and gender issues were connected in any way. As with other things I excessively worried about, the therapist I ended up being matched up with never connected my dots wrong, and my HRT and depression medications were always kept separate.

Escape finally came slowly when I began to take control of my own life. I went down a huge rabbit hole I had been ignoring. As I left my old gender closet and explored the rabbit hole as a whole new person, I discovered the world I had only dreamed of as I began to live as a transgender woman. I also found many new layers of a feminine life I knew nothing about. I went from creating a fictional trans woman to a real person as I explored the world. The real person I became had to be able to communicate with the world at large. As with any other worlds I ever discovered (such as the military) being a transgender woman came with a whole new set of rules I could not escape.  

As my confidence increased, so did my success in building a new life. I so badly did not want to escape at any costs, I risked all my male life such as family, friends, and employment to live as a transfeminine person. I was putting on the line such as the benefits of hard-earned male privileges, a long-term marriage and a good job. All to follow my feminine dreams. It turned out, I learned many lessons when I was attempting to escape the rabbit hole I was making for myself.

Some would say it took a lot of courage to do what I did. While others would think I was nothing but a fool. I would say neither is the case because in order to live in this world at all, I knew I would have to make changes to escape. By the time I needed to make the final transition decision, I was nearly sixty and it had been weighing heavily on my shoulders for years. By then, I took all my so called “practice” time and became a transgender woman on a mission.

I escaped all excuses and rabbit holes I explored on my way to living my dream. Becoming my true self in a woman’s world was incredibly difficult to do. Just when I thought I was conquering the road I was on was being successful, I learned I was only just beginning and there were many obstacles to come. I was lucky enough to be able to negotiate everything by having wives to women friends to help me on the way.

If I had given up the fight and given in to the true desires I was having, I would have never had to think I had no way out.

 

Wednesday, October 30, 2024

Set Her Free

Image from JJ Hart


Throughout my long life, which included fifty years of being a cross dresser, I could feel the stress and tension of not freeing my inner girl.

It all started innocently enough with trips in front of our family mirror in clothes I had borrowed from my Mom. Of course that all ended when I outgrew her sizes and I needed to strike out on my own to find fashion which fit. With my meager allowance and money I made from delivering newspapers to the neighborhood, I managed to get by and buy a few items to add to my wardrobe which then I needed to carefully hide away from my family.  Somehow I survived and my life as a male set in, no matter how much I did not want it to. 

The gender stress and tension continued over the years and even became worse with every success I had when I tried to set my inner self free. It finally became evident my entire gender life was backwards, I was not a man cross dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross dressing as a man and it was no wonder I was feeling the confusion and pain. I would not have wished the mental anguish I felt on my worst enemy. I found being transgender was far from being a choice and somehow I needed to set her free.

The problem was, I needed to face the same set of hurdles transgender women and trans men face. Such as family or spouses, friends and occupations. The longer you go in life, the more gender baggage you acquire, the more you have to get rid of. Or figure out how much you can keep. My prime example always is how I was able to maintain my love of sports when I fully transitioned into transgender womanhood. I had help when I learned the women around me loved sports as much as I did and I felt right at home. It was easier to set my woman free. 

Finally, I arrived at the point where I could take it no longer. I ended up living more time as a trans woman than I did as my old male self. So much so, I was feeling totally out of place in a male world as a guy and would have rather attacked it as a woman. Plus I still had the age old problems of doing my best appearance wise as a feminine person. I began by losing nearly fifty pounds and taking better care of my skin on a daily basis and worked my way forward from there. Through days of trial and error, I was able to arrive at a point where I could provide a reasonable attempt at presenting as myself on a regular basis. The key was to settle in to what myself should look like which meant stopping doing things such as switching wigs on a regular basis. Finding who I was proved to be the key to setting myself free.

Once I did manage to set my dominant self free, she did all the rest. I learned to keep my old male self out of the way and let her go. Among other things, she picked my friends and lover and opened the door to a life I never thought possible.

It was like she was saying I told you so and should have done it sooner. 

Trans Woman at a Photo Shoot

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