Gender Puzzle

 Anna commented on Medium concerning my coming out experiences as bravery.  I have never thought my gender transition as having anything to do with bravery. Rather, it was something I had to do. Now I look at the process as more of solving a gender puzzle.

Photo-Ryoji Iwata

As I assembled my gender puzzle, I kept discovering more and more missing pieces. What happened  then was I needed to accomplish more and more in the public eye to prove I had it right. I have written in depth on many of my learning experiences all along with more and more I continue to discover as I follow this writing path.  Once I think I have it all figured out, something new comes along to prove I have not.

One thing I don't write about enough are my severe bouts  with gender dysphoria. Perhaps there was a level of bravery to overcome passive and active suicide attempts. I know I was scared to death to enter the world as my feminine self on more occasions I can count. I have often told you all about all the times I came home crying following ill fated attempts at living as my authentic self. Back in those days I was still of the opinion I was crossdressing as a woman. When, actually all those years I had been cross dressing as a man.

I need to add in also I have never been good at puzzles. I tend to approach them (puzzles) with my usual impatience. When a certain outfit didn't work instead of trying another, I allowed the mirror to lie to me and out I would go to fail again. Slowly I did learn not to force pieces of the puzzle together that didn't fit. At that point, I discovered I could have success in public with my external feminine appearance and learned it was only the beginning. In other words, I discovered a whole new set of puzzle pieces.  

Now, even I wonder how I managed to navigate all of the challenges I was to face. It seemed every piece of the puzzle I located and was able to find a place for created the need for another. An example is how women communicate with each other. I found they have a unique way to communicate when men are present or when they are not. I had several women who protected me from possible negative situations with men as an example. It wasn't just men though. Along the way I learned women specialized in passive aggression. Or where were the knives located when they met you. Those were the ones who said you looked good as a woman...for a man. (un said).

The biggest puzzle piece had to be what happened when I lost my male privilege's. I reached the point of my life age wise when the term "sir" had been bestowed on me, if I wanted it or not. Most importantly I found my personal security changed drastically as I tried to live a feminine existence. For the first time in my life I asked friends for help getting to my car at night when it was parked in a relatively unlit parking lot. Overall, the loss of male privilege deserves it's own post we will get to another time.

Over the space of life, I learned to respect my gender puzzle as just a extra special portion who I became as a human. After all, how many people get the chance to sample life from both sides of the gender spectrum.

I just hope I haven't lost any pieces as I complete my puzzle.

All Quiet

 For once I am happy to write it's all quiet on the gender front around here. It's like I am some sort of vacation.

Yesterday I had my virtual therapist appointment and we talked about almost everything but my gender dysphoria. Rarely do I feel comfortable in my own skin, now it seems I have a brief respite from my gender dysphoria. Finally a chance to breathe deeply and recharge myself. 

Of course I have asked the question why now? I feel as if several factors are coming into play. The first of which is I feel good with the path my hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has taken me. My hips are continuing to develop as I have taken the torso mass down with the diet Liz and I are on. To refresh your memories, the diet is no joke as it cuts out all sugar and flour from our diet. Conservatively, I have taken off twenty five plus pounds. Liz and I are heading to my daughter's in laws for Thanksgiving, so I am anxious to show off my developing feminine figure. My first wife will be there and she has become quite heavy so I want to show off for her. I shouldn't be too evil though because the last time I saw her, she commented how good I was looking. 

As we all know, looks aren't everything when it comes to gender dysphoria. As I told my therapist, I am feeling better because of my interaction with the public. The last time we went out to dinner, I had no problem communicating with the server and he didn't seem to have any negative problems with me. Of course we don't go out much anymore and most of the time we still wear a mask so the chances of interaction are slim. In a couple weeks I will be part of a group presenting to a master's level sociology class at nearby Miami University of Ohio. So I will have the chance to really get out in public. 

The problem I have is waiting for the other shoe to drop. What I am referring to is waiting for my dysphoria to return. I have lived with it for most of my long life and it has become a part of me. Plus I have never been one to face life on it's own terms without questioning what is around the next corner.

Perhaps also I am moving past gender dysphoria into some sort of impostor syndrome stage of my life. Deep down do I feel even though I may look/act the feminine role, have I earned the right to be here. To be clear, I have because I went through all the changes which cis women experience, Mine were just different. I have always felt women just didn't become women because they were born into it. They had to grow and become women. Just like some boys actually become men. 

All in all, it's too early to speculate if I have any impostor's syndrome. In the meantime, I am going to try to enjoy my quiet period the best I can.