 |
| Image from Anton Luk on UnSplash |
When I reached a point where I saw the real possibility I could live a life of a transgender woman, I found myself staring off a deep gender cliff.
The biggest problem I had was wondering how I would land if
I threw caution to the wind and become (as my second wife called it) man
enough to be a woman. As I slid down the slippery slope towards my cliff,
sometimes I was fearless and other times scared to death. I can’t tell you the number
of times I sat in my car adjusting my hair and makeup before I went into a
venue. At times, I considered bringing an oxygen tank along in case I hyper
ventilated. I did not because I thought it would ruin my outfit.
Another problem I encountered was alcohol. When I drank, I
became much more fearless but to get to my arrival, I needed to be brave and
walk into a venue to order a drink. It took me awhile to put the alcohol in my rear-view
mirror and get on with my life, but I did it.
Along the way, I cannot stress enough about all the bumps
and bruises I had when I slid down a very slippery gender slope towards a very
steep cliff. I was facing losing everything I knew, owned and loved to be a
transgender woman, so I wanted to make sure I was doing my slide right. For the
most part, I did good except for impromptu visits from the police after I used
the rest room of my choice and another night when I was asked to leave a venue
after I was doing absolutely nothing wrong. I mended faster than I thought I
would and chalked the experiences up to what I needed to go through to
transition in the straight world which I was trying out for the first time.
The main thing which kept me going was the deep feeling I
had I was doing the right thing. I had spent too long in front of a lonely
mirror to turn back then. I needed to face the cliff and decide how and when I
was going to jump because it was becoming increasingly evident to me, I would
need to.
After my second wife passed away, I went into another lonely
dark period of my life when the only thing I did was go out in the world as a
transfeminine person and watch the occasional sporting event with my brother as
my old male self. What did happen was, I felt the time I was spending as a man
was being increasingly wasted. Even my male self was seeing the beginning of the
end to his life. If my brother did not
accept me (which he did not), he would have to go away.
What really helped me to overcome my fear of the gender
cliff I was looking at, were the ciswomen friends I was developing. The give
and take I felt when I was invited to girls’ nights out or even lesbian mixers
was propelling me forward to making the ultimate choice in my life. Ultimately,
I started gender affirming hormones under a doctor’s care and made my decision
to jump off the cliff even easier to do.
It turned out, my women friends knew me better than I knew
myself. They saw no traces of my old male self and helped me with the nuances
of living in a feminine world. Many times, all I was doing was going along for
the ride. Never had I ever experienced so much about a new world I desperately
wanted to be a part of in my life. It all made my fear of jumping off my gender
cliff so much easier.
Another example would be, I had taken the time to do my
homework and build a solid base before the slippery slope claimed me. I waited
for two extra years working at a job I hated to make sure I could retire on
Social Security and not have to worry about transitioning on the job. During
that time, my gender universe opened a little more when the Veterans
Administration health care program I was in approved gender hormone therapy for
veterans which gave me access to mental health care and cheaper medications.
It all turned out to be time well spent and came back to
help me when I finally made the jump down my gender cliff. My experiences and
friends made the landing so much easier. I ended up wondering why I had waited
so long doing my preparation.
No comments:
Post a Comment