The Ultimate Obsession

 

Image from Brett Jordan
on UnSplash

As I recall, the ultimate obsession I had with being feminine began with explorations into my Mom's clothing and makeup. Once I started I couldn't let it go.

Little did I know, I would need to follow quite the winding and rough path as I crossed the gender border from male to female. As soon as I conquered one of my goals and escaped my very dark and lonely closet another wall or barrier would crop up to challenge my obsession. An example would be how I imagined just improving my outward feminine appearance would be enough to help me live in the world as a transgender woman. All the process really did was set me up for other huge challenges.

Challenges such as how I would or ever could learn to communicate with other women in their world. Nothing in the process was easy and often terrifying. The old "no pain-no gain" saying proved to be all too true. Just attempting to modulate a feminine sounding voice to match my appearance was the ultimate challenge. Plus I needed to learn to always make eye contact with other women as we engaged in conversation. A simple statement saying I loved another woman's ear-rings often proved to be the ice breaker I needed to survive in my new gender world. 

Through it all, my male self was fighting me all the way. Every move I made to try to enable me to be more feminine was a problem to him. Deep down he knew he was fighting a losing battle because when I was pursuing my authentic self I felt so natural. So everytime I was questioning the path I was taking, the bottom line was if it all felt so natural, it was the right thing to do. Somehow I needed to conquer my fears and temporary setbacks and follow my own personal ultimate obsession. Follow it I did.

No matter how complex my life became as I ended up attempting to share a life between the two primary genders, until the pressure became too intense to survive, I did my best to live my life. My male self kept resorting back to what he had always done...internalize his feelings and hope for the best. His best never came as I continued my path towards my ultimate obsession. Even then, I had no idea if I could make it to my ultimate goal of living a life as a transgender woman. Fulltime with no interference from my old male self. 

As I always point out the struggle nearly killed me and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I was one of the lucky trans women or trans men who all of a sudden found the doors opening which would allow me to finally follow my obsession which had followed me my entire life.  Destiny showed me the way around life's setbacks such as close friends and family dying. It all allowed me to have very little resistance to living my own life as I saw fit. Also near the same time, the Veterans health care system I was part of started to provide help with hormone replacement therapy, which I was fortunate enough to be healthy enough to be a part of.

In short, my life which was very much in shambles faded away and I was finally able to achieve my ultimate obsession. To lead a feminine life and even to become remarried again to my wife Liz who accepted me all the way. 

The path I took was never easy but on the other hand, my trip was never boring and provided me with a unique look at life others never have.  

Magnificent Obsession

Image from UnSplash

Early in life when I was going through the difficult steps of attempting to sort out my gender dysphoria, one of my ideas was my desire to be feminine was merely an obsession.

On good days, I even thought what I was going through was an evil joke which I would out grow. Naturally I never did out grow wanting to be a woman and on the other hand just grew into it. To arrive at understanding my gender journey, I needed to make many twists and turns along the way. The first involved just not getting caught when I tried to cross dress as a girl for my favorite mirror. I have no idea now how I got away with everything I did. Including even shaving the hated hair from my legs. My biggest problem was having an ever inquisitive slightly younger brother who was always getting in my way. 

As I grew into (then out of) my ideas of cross dressing being a harmless hobby, I again began to wonder if the whole process I was living was still an obsession. As I did though, my mind was flooded with reassurances I was on the right path with my gender issues. I spent too many hours obsessing on the next time I would be able to cross dress in my feminine clothes. I often wish I had the time back I wasted on my magnificent obsession. When I couldn't dress when I wanted to, it made me a nasty person and one which was not easy to live with. All because I was having a hard time living with myself. It was a period of my life I am not proud of.

Finally, when I could take the gender pressure no longer, I began to venture out of my deep, dark and lonely gender closet. I learned the obsession was only going one way and it was because my old male self was obsessed with holding on to his life, no matter what. It was then I entered my transgender stage of my life. When I decided to go out in the public's eye as a woman. Not as a person just trying to look like one. Even though the process was tremendously frightening, it was equally as enlightening. I found once I did it, I could exist in the public's eye as the feminine person I always dreamed of being. From that point forward the magnificent obsession flipped and I knew I could pursue a life as a transgender woman. A life I had only dreamed of.

Even though I found a feminine transgender life may be possible, my male self was still busy whispering in my ear. He was saying what about telling friends, family and what about my job. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. It was extremely difficult to uproot a male life I was so entrenched in to begin a new one. I write often on how much the gender pressure effected me. I was so close to my dream yet so far away. Plus even though I was close, there was still so much to learn to fulfill my phantom obsession of being invited to play in the girl's sandbox. 

Call it what you will but my magnificent obsession led me to finally living my dream as a fulltime transgender woman.