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| Image from Jeff Turnale on UnSplash. |
Before I made my male to female transition, I always assumed men were the fiercer competitors, mainly because of work and sports.
Once I made it behind the gender curtain to play fulltime in
the girl’s sandbox, I found that my idea of gender competition was not true at
all Ciswomen compete every bit as hard as men just in different ways and about
different things. A well-worn example could be that women compete in the visibility
arena all the time, and that may be true to an extent as ciswomen lay down
certain fashion perimeters women have to live by to not cause undue attention.
Such as wearing skirts and dresses too short or having non-age-appropriate hair
(which I have) for my advanced age. At my age, I have decided to keep my hair
the way it is because number one, I like it, and number two, I don’t really
care what other ciswomen think of me.
Over the years, I have discovered that ciswomen compete as
much as men for the chance to be attractive and attract male attention. In
fact, I have a couple of examples where I was caught on the wrong side of
female wrath. One of which occurred one night when my wife Liz and I were out
in a LGBTQ friendly venue in downtown Cincinnati. During our visit, I needed to
use the women’s room which happened to be downstairs in the ancient building
the venue was located in. When I made it to the room, I found it to be a
crowded two stall affair with several other women already there. As I went in
one woman in particular glared at me as I made my way to the only open stall
which was left. I excused myself as I went around her and took care of business,
feeling better about myself.
As I came out of the stall and headed for the sink to wash up,
I needed to almost move the woman who glared at me. She took her time moving
and I noticed she ended up slouching below the electric hand blower/dryer on
the wall, and I saw my chance for revenge. After washing up and checking my
makeup and hair, I took my time moving to the hand dryer and casually turned it
on which ruined the woman’s hair completely. After my payback, I gave her a
little smile and left to tell Liz what had happened.
The next example I have of an irate ciswoman, took me totally
by surprise in a venue in Dayton, Ohio where I was a regular. That night, my
friends were not with me, so I was by myself when a couple sat down beside me.
Before long, the woman started up a conversation the usual way, complementing me
on something I was wearing. We struck up a little conversation about life
without much input from the man she was with. I could not tell if they were
married or not. Anyway, before long she excused herself to go to the woman’s
room leaving just the man and I together and he started a conversation with me
by the time she returned. For some reason, she must have been extremely jealous
and thought I was competing for her man because the smile went away and the
claws came out. To make a long story short both the man and I had claw marks up
and down our backs before they quickly finished their drinks and left. I
learned the hard way to make sure I never got between a ciswoman and her man.
The most profound level women compete on is with their
passive aggressive behavior. They can be competing just as hard as men, just
with a smile on their face. It is a learned attitude most ciswomen learn from
their youth because of not being able to physically compete with men. Although
I think some of that attitude is changing in some cultures where I see many
girls fighting among themselves these days. But for the purpose of most all
transgender women, our view of the feminine world does not change as we do when
we go from aggressive male worlds to passive aggressive female worlds.
Outside of confronting two women in a rest stop woman’s room
a couple years ago in Alabama, I don’t think I have ever found myself in a
feminine snake pit ever. The two women I encountered were studying me way too
closely and talking aggressively between themselves after they saw me, so I washed
up and quickly headed for the exit before I had any other problems.
My best advice is to look ahead at your surroundings to not
get caught in a feminine snake pit. My worst-case scenario happened when I had
to go one on one with a woman in a bathroom in a venue where I had never been
questioned before. She was screaming at me that I was a pervert. When I finally
could get a word in, I asked her by chance what she did for a living and I saw
my chance for revenge creep in. She said she was a hairdresser, so I asked her
for a card so I could report her to the very powerful local LGBTQ establishment
in Dayton. With that she stormed out and left me alone.
Even though being in the snake pit with other women was no
fun, I looked at the entire experience as a rite of passage into the girl’s
sandbox. If I could not survive the pit, how could I ever survive my chance to
play behind the gender curtain. All my years as a man had taught me to beware
of where the frontal attacks were coming from, and if I was ever going to make
it as a transgender woman, I had to expect not everyone would accept me and be
ready for it. I just never realized how close together the snake pit and the sandbox
were going to be.
