Down the Rabbit Hole

 

Summer Image, JJ Hart.

Over the years, I began to sink rapidly or was stuck in an increasingly large and deep transgender rabbit hole.

Sadly, I did not have the information I needed at a young age to help me to understand I was much more than a boy who preferred to dress in girls' clothing. I just knew I was not satisfied with cross dressing in front of the mirror on the rare moments I was alone. I always had problems with what I called the gender roller coaster, or I was up when I cross dressed for a couple days before I crashed to the depths of depression and daydreamed my life away thinking of the next visit, I would have in front of the hallway mirror. 

Only one of my thoughts was for certain, I was falling down a gender rabbit hole which I could never return from. For many years, I thought I would possibly grow out of my gender issues, and they could possibly be a phase. Of course, wanting to be feminine in all aspects of my life, was never just a phase and just grew stronger as I aged. 

It turned out, the older I became, the fonder I became of my rabbit hole and wanted to stay there. When I did go out, I was like a real rabbit, cautiously surveying the world for predators. It was not until I began to arrive at a financial point when I started to build confidence in my cross-dressed presentation, did I begin to enjoy my trips out of the hole and into the world. 

It was about this time too, when I began to expand my rabbit hole. I needed more space for my wardrobe and wigs of course. Not to mention the mental room I needed to grow into the person I was becoming. Once I saw the light of my new gender day, there could be no turning back. The light felt so good and so warm; I was loving my new life. 

I ended up forsaking my gender rabbit hole for a new universe of women. To be truthful, it was the most difficult experience of my life. Since I had left my old comfort zone of white male privilege, establishing a new base was difficult in my new transgender womanhood. I had dug my gender rabbit hole so deep; it was difficult to find my way out. 

Sadly, I see too many transgender women and trans men who are stuck in their gender holes. Especially, in the current negative situations we are living in right now, I understand why so many LGBTQ people want to stay out of the public eye. It is just a shame we need to do it.