Transgender Breakthroughs

 

Image from 
Shane Rounce  on 
UnSplash. 

Even though we are all at different points along the way in our gender journeys, we still have break throughs which keep us going. 

My earliest breakthrough was when I was still admiring my girlish reflection in the mirror, the first times I was able to try on my mom's clothes when I was all alone. I thought I looked great, and the feeling stayed with me for a couple days afterward until I could try to cross dress again. The problem was, I felt deep down there was still something missing, I wanted to do so much more than just look like a girl, I wanted to be a girl. The problem was, I did not have any gender information to go with my discovery of who I really was. I was still years away from even hearing for the first time about transgender women and what the term meant to me. I still have vivid recollections of the time I saw the transgender term used and just knew, for the first time in my life, being a trans woman fit me. Naturally it was a major breakthrough. 

Little did I know, just having a label to attach to myself, would prove to be a challenge for me as I went through life. No longer could I rely upon a mirror's image to get myself by. I needed to get out into the world and see if I could present well enough to mix in with the public. When I did, I found being a woman was no joke, and I needed to really work to achieve my goal of transgender womanhood. 

One of the big problems I had was, when I was coming out, I tried to keep one foot firmly in my closet. In case something went wrong, and I needed to go back. The only problem with keeping a foot in my closet was the time I spent in the world as a woman spoiled me, and I never wanted to go back. It was very difficult for me to tell my inner feminine self no. What I decided to do was, formulate a version of my own feminine bucket list. I would try increasingly more difficult things as a woman and see what would happen. For example, if I made it browsing in a bookstore, I would take it a step further by ordering a coffee and using the women's room the next time I was there. Or I would try to go to a different restaurant all together and order lunch. 

I try not to act as if I am recommending my path out of my gender closet to others because when it comes to leaving your closet, one size does certainly not fit all. Circmstances such as experiences in the public and where you live can vary so much. However, in my case, it did take a certain amount of courage to come out. There were many times when I waited in my car adjusting and readjusting my makeup before I gathered the courage to walk into a venue I wanted to try out as my new femininized self. Since a few of the venues I had been to several times as a man. 

Then, courage gave way to confidence and when it did, I could enjoy my new exciting life. Before that happened, it seemed to be a challenge every time I turned around. Perhaps I was expecting too much by thinking I could turn decades of living a reasonably successful male life around so quickly. Being a woman of any sorts presented a challenge because women lead a so much more layered and complex life than men. Once I accepted the challenge, I discovered I was in the right place as a trans woman and there would be no turning back. 

Even though the current barrage of anti-transgender legislation shows no sign of abating soon in many places, we have to remember transgender women and trans men will never be erased and have always existed and you can too. If you try, you can have your own breakthroughs and live a solid life out of your closet. You just have to be careful how you do it and keep an eye out for the bigots which are increasingly brave. In my case, I needed to realize the worst the bigots could do to me was not as bad as continuing to live in my gender closet. It was very dark and lonely, and I could not take it any longer and I set out to experience my own transgender breakthroughs.

A Push versus a Dream

 

JJ Hart

I often describe my journey to transgender womanhood as the impossible dream. 

On the other hand, I cannot ignore all the pushing I needed to do to arrive at my goal. My pushing started at a very young age when I was first cross dressing in front of the mirror. To begin with, I needed to push hard to find hiding places for my exceedingly small, treasured collection of feminine wardrobe selections. I resorted to old boxes in the garage attic, all the way to a hollowed-out tree in the woods next door to our house. In trash bags. Anything to stay safe with my secret. I knew if I was exposed, life as I knew it would be over.

I did push on and survive so my dream was still intact when I went to college and then served out my time in the military. My military time was especially stressful as I needed again to carefully conceal any idea, I was feminine at all. Through it all, I needed to keep my thoughts centered on a far-away dream I had of being able to live as a transgender woman. Sadly, there were too many times when I did not see how I could make it at all. Especially when the Army was strongly reinforcing my manhood. 

As in many other facets of life, the Army came and went leaving me a sense of freedom of what I could do concerning my gender issues. My first marriage came shortly following my discharge from the military and left me still wondering about what was going on. My first wife knew I was a cross dresser and did not really care, so I was left on my own to make any gender decisions I might decide on. This was back in the late 1970's and there was very little information on even being a cross dresser available. Again, I was on my own until the computer became a reality, and I was able to reach out to others. I learned quickly I was not alone and began to push for more clarity in my life. I even was able to dream more frequently of being able to live as my authentic self.

Before I did, I needed to determine what my authentic self really was and push to get there. This meant going down a largely selfish road as I carefully checked my gender boxes. It took me years to figure it out until I was able to merge how hard I was pushing with my ultimate gender dream of a being a transgender woman. My authentic self which was revealing her-self When she did, she left no doubt on why I felt the way I had my entire life. Something was not quite right, and I pushed on to figure out what the problem was. In the meantime, I treaded water cross dressing in front of the mirror until I found the courage and confidence to try going public.

Each and every time I was successful at all in dealing with the world, my dream was re-ignited, and I started to push through or totally ignore any gender warning signs I encountered. Everything I was doing put me completely at odds with my second wife, who again knew I was a cross dresser but never wanted me to leave the house dressed. Not only did I break my promise to her, but I also went as far as beginning a whole new life. My new life rapidly became very important to me mainly because I was happier and the whole life felt so much more natural.

My lifetime full of pushing finally aligned with my ultimate dream of transgender womanhood. Destiny opened my gender doors at the age of sixty and I took complete advantage. 

Being a Gender Victim

 

Image from UnSplash

Many years ago during my years of searching for my true gender self, I spent many hours and days being a victim of my circumstances.  In other words, I felt sorry for myself wanting to follow a feminine path in life. 

Primarily, thanks to input I received from my second wife, I began to pull myself out of the victim category and accept the way I felt. My wife kept telling me I didn't know anything about being a woman (which I didn't) so I needed to find out what she meant because she was not offering any help. Sadly it wasn't until many years later following her passing away, did I learn what she meant. Obviously, since she can not speak for herself, I think she was expanding on the times when she called me "The pretty pretty princess." Those were the days when I obsessed on how I looked as a cross dresser and not how I felt as a novice transgender woman. Had I not been so narrow minded in my quest for femininity, I think now I would have spent way less time feeling sorry for myself. Why couldn't I have hobbies such as golf rather than dressing as a woman.

My life turned out to be a double edged sword about that time. Not only was I facing pressure on the home front to learn more about the basics of being a woman, at work through promotion after promotion, I was feeling increased pressure to perform there also. To help me along, the many managerial training sessions I attended gave direction on how not to be a victim.

Finally, I slowly learned to attack my problems head on and not run from them. Often by putting on a dress and feeling sorry for myself. Slowly but surely, thanks to no small part to the women I worked with, I began to look beyond how they looked into how they acted and reacted with life. The whole process made me a better person and prepared me for a future living life as a transgender woman. I was becoming so much more than "The pretty pretty princess." At the same time, not being a victim was making life so much more complex. On one hand I was making strides with my makeup and fashion and on the other I was becoming very successful in my work. In fact, it was not becoming unusual for my wife to ask for my help with her makeup when we were going out to an upscale event.  Usually, after I did help her, she felt better and I was jealous I wasn't the one in the pretty dress. 

Throughout the entire process, I found I had more courage than I had ever thought possible. Perhaps the time I spent in the military prepared me with the confidence I needed to move forward and not be a victim to my gender issues. Every time I conquered a goal I thought was unachievable, I felt more natural with my life and my mental health improved. 

I put being a victim behind me and set out to be an out and proud transgender woman.