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| Image from Pietra K. from UnSplash. |
The gender rollercoaster of life was very real to me.
That is the reason I attempt to mention all of the ups and
downs I have experienced over the years as I battled gender dysphoria. For me,
the trip up the coaster was not often worth the trip down as my depression set
in. Until I received the proper care for my depression, I would often not want
to even get out of bed for days at a time. Of course, I could not do that, and
life would have to go on. That life included an increasing interest in cross-dressing.
When I was on an upswing, life was better and I thought I was even making strides
towards possibly living my future dream of living in and competing with a world
of cisgender women. All of which had a very large headstart on me towards
possibly achieving their womanhood before I could.
All this turmoil sent me down the rollercoaster of life and
right back to where I started from…deeply frustrated. It was not until I began
to leave my closet or shell and explore the world, did I begin to experience any
relief. In the world, I discovered that not everyone noticed me and it was true
what my second wife told me that it was not all about me. I was relieved when I
learned that most of the world was just living life on their own terms and
outside of few haters, I could live my life too. It was when I discovered that
I was able to ride the level part of my dysphoric roller coaster, for a while.
It never failed that when I started to come off the flat
spot of my coaster, I needed to fight my depression again. Nothing I was doing
was good enough as a man or a woman. I was so involved in wanting a transfeminine
future, I could not maintain a good solid relationship with my long term (25
years) wife. The only things I was doing was keeping my head above water at
work as I carved out the beginnings of a new transgender life. While I did all of
this, I managed to make myself miserable as well as those around me. If I could
not live with myself, how could anyone else, was my main thought pattern as I
rode the roller coaster of life. All I knew was, I needed to hang on tightly
for the ride ahead.
Of course, you all know I did manage to hang on, or I would
not be here writing this today. Many times, it was because deep down inside I
had this unmistakable idea of what I was doing was right. I had waited a long
time in line to ride this gender rollercoaster, and I was not ever going to
give up my spot. Once I came to this conclusion, I was able to stand in line
with other ciswomen and not be so intimidated. And they were less intimidated by
me and the rollercoaster hit another exhilarating turn as it headed into a tunnel.
This time though, coming out of the dark did not mean I was heading into so
much depression. Still, I knew I had a lot of work to do before I could reach
my goal or dreams of living a fulltime transgender life.
Every time I thought I had finished a ride on the roller
coaster, I found I needed to turn right around and get right on. A ciswoman’s
life was so much more complicated than I had ever planned for, there were more
challenges ahead. I still had key decisions to make concerning how I was going
to live my new life. Such as how I was going to support myself and what was I
going to do about telling my remaining family and friends that all along I had
been living a lie. Last but not least, I would take the major step of seeking
out approval to begin HRT or gender affirming hormones.
Amazingly, each time I jumped on the roller coaster, my
rides became shorter and less eventful. I had taken the time and effort to set
myself up as a regular in certain venues I went to all the time, so I did not
have to go out just to be alone. I was always a social animal as a man and now
I was too in my new exciting feminine world. Most importantly, I was able to
develop a small circle of ciswomen friends who unknowingly boarded the coaster
with me. They showed me the final steps I would have to take to get off my
lifetime ride permanently. Maybe the best part was they never knew what they
did for me. Eventually, what came out of it all was my marriage to my third wife
Liz. A lesbian ciswoman who was instrumental in kicking me off my roller
coaster permanently.
Even though I was ultimately successful in reaching my
transgender dreams, I am not so sure I would recommend how I did it to anyone. I
took too many chances and consumed too much alcohol along the way. Often, I
used alcohol to give me a false sense of security when I was riding a scary
coaster. Those were the days when I had to internalize my emotions and fear and
“be a man.”
Finally, and thankfully, the world around me changed and I stepped
down off my roller coasters all the way to less intimidating merry go rounds. Even
they didn’t last as I decided to leave the gender amusement park altogether.
Truthfully, I never got much of anything which was amusing anyway, and on some
occasions, bigots and haters even put me into the freak category. Sadly, I
never won any prizes for the most rides on a roller coaster or had a chance to
reach for the ring on the merry go round. I was at least a survivor. I did not have
to be a man at all.
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