 |
| JJ Hart (Center) on a girls' night out. |
Before you can overcome fear, you need to understand exactly what you are afraid of.
I know I was petrified of leaving my closet behind and
heading out into a world where I knew little or nothing as a novice
cross-dresser. It took me years to overcome most of my fears except the ones I
never did. Such as going into male dominated spaces by myself as a transgender
woman. For some unknown reason, that one thing has always been a problem for me
and my anxiety issues about coming out in the world.
When I was younger, I always thought either I would grow out
of my need to feel feminine in all ways or somehow, I would lose my fear of
doing it. Of course, I learned quickly that anytime soon I would not be outgrowing
my urges to cross the gender border into a feminine world. In fact, my urges were
getting stronger which led to more fear and anxiety about the future of my
life. Out of sheer survival, I had to find out why I was so scared.
The easy way out for me was just by thinking that making the
gender jump into what I perceived as greener pastures, was the reason I was so
scared. I was using the dresses and makeup I had acquired to hide behind and
feel better in times of duress. I was too new at the gender game to consider
ideas such as gender privileges which I was accumulating as a young man with
out even knowing it. Privileges such as never having my intelligence questioned
or having an innate sense of personal security were never questioned. I found I
would not have to until much later in life when I began to present well enough
as a transfeminine person to get by. All of a sudden, passing as a woman meant
more than just having a man open a door for me. I had to take the good with the
bad if I was ever going to be successful in making it to my dream of living as
a woman on my own terms.
The more involved I became in my male to female
femininization, the more I discovered there was no easy way out. Which frightened
me more. I always equate it as me busily painting myself into new life corners
as a trans woman which there was no easy escape from. Finally, I did see a brief
escape from my unreasoning fear was when the transgender term was being popularized
to gender conflicted people like me. There was a term which described people
such as me who did not fit into the cross dresser-transvestite mold or the more
extreme transsexual person. From the moment I saw the trans term, I immediately
knew it described me. It certainly took long enough for a term to come along, which
helped me, but it finally did.
Being able to read about other more accomplished transgender
women and trans men helped me to understand my fears and why I was feeling them
and the new less rigid gender spectrum terms helped me immensely. For the first
time in my life, I could pinpoint why I was feeling a certain way and at the
same time calm most of my anxieties. Gender diversity became my motto in life
as I really began to explore the world of ciswomen for the first time. I had
left the men’s club (and they knew it) and wanted to join the women’s club if
they would have me. Yes, the world of ciswomen would have me which lessened my
fears and anxieties immensely. Mainly because I had a better understanding of
where I wanted to go.
Looking back, I do not know why I took so long to try to
have a better understanding of who I really was. I could blame the usual suspects
such as my old male self or my second wife who put up such a battle against me transitioning
when in reality it was all on me. In the would of-should of department, I
always should have faced up to the fact I was more female than male and should
have not made life miserable for my wife when I did not “man-up” in her terms
and become a woman. I guess I was never one to take the easy way out.
If I had taken any of the excess time I was wasting, I would
have taken the time to calm my fears by understanding who I was as a person and
try to build a better feminine person I learned I could be from all the male
building blocks I had left behind. As I looked around at the new world of ciswomen,
I was seeking admittance into, I realized they were more diverse than even I
had given them credit for. And I would not be shunned for wanting to do something
like wearing my favorite team’s jersey on game day in one of the sports bars I was
a regular in because other women were beating me to it by wearing their jerseys It made my fears evaporate as my life became more fun again and certainly
more fulfilling as I had always wondered what it would be like to cheer my
favorite teams on in the venues I was used to going to as a woman and not a
man.
Once I finally started to have a basic understanding of
where my fears were coming from, I was able to better keep them under control.
Which, in turn led me to being more relaxed with a chance to let my long hidden
trans woman personality shine through.
I know it is difficult for all of you who are just getting
started along your gender path to not be afraid because of what is at stake but
if you are able to slow your life down to take a closer look at it…you will
stand a better chance of understanding your fears and anxiety and living a
better life.
Thanks for reading along and I hope my experiences can help you anyway I can!
No comments:
Post a Comment