Mental Health and the Holidays

 

It doesn't take an expert to know we are entering the most difficult time of the year for transgender and/or LGBTQ individuals.

During this approaching time, many in the community face the truth of having no close family any more to celebrate the holidays with. It happened to me when my only sibling (a brother) and his wife decided not to invite me to the annual Thanksgiving Day family feast. We have not spoken since and that was ten years ago. What made it hurt even worse was my deceased second wife used to take it upon herself to cook and feed everyone for years.

Similar to so many aspects of me coming out, I was fortunate in I had a backup plan. What happened was my daughter and my partner (future wife) included me in their families. An improbable happening especially when I needed to mix in with Liz's heavily right wing conservative father. He has since passed on leaving me to forever wonder what he really thought of me. 

So destiny led me out of a potentially bad situation with my own often fragile mental health. As you may, or may not recall, years ago I was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder along with having more than my share of anxiety. Again destiny stepped in and helped me cope with my mental health . I was nearly completely broke and could not afford my medications when a fellow veteran friend of mine suggested I take advantage of the Veteran's Administration health care. I did and again I was fortunate when I was assigned to a VA therapist who was able to separate my gender issues with my mental ones.

As I said, I was one of the fortunate LGBT or transgender community members who was able to cope with lots of help. To this day LGBTQ women and men are subject to much more substance abuse than the rest of the population because of reasons such as harassment, discrimination,  negative stigma and lack of family support. The basis for the information comes from a site called "LGBTQ+ Substance Abuse and Mental Health Resources"  Thanks to Enmanuel from FloridaRehab.com for the heads up for the site.

I make no secret of the fact I used to be very self destructive due to all the issues I dealt with in my life. From reckless driving in my cars all the way to trying to commit suicide with pills, I had a total disregard for my life. Plus, there weren't the outreach programs available in the pre internet/social media years which I lived through or groups of like minded individuals who provide social activities. Often, if you live close to populated areas, there are organizations you can take advantage of. 

Please, as the holidays approach, see what you can do to help your mental health.  There are sources available.

Emotional Blackmail

Image from Callum
Skelton on UnSplash

Emotional blackmail is another of those terms or labels which is difficult to describe or understand.

The way I look at it is, the blackmail describes the portion of my life I lived with my second wife when we constantly battled over my increasingly feminine gender identity. In fact, now, in hindsight I look at the time when two strong women were clashing with each other. My wife and the other was me. Every time I was successful when I went out as a transgender woman, the bigger our fights became. Examples included the time when I went to a transvestite or cross dresser mixer when we lived in New York. The gatekeepers who were placed to keep cis-women out made me show my identification to prove I really was a guy. The entire incident put me on cloud nine for days following but on the other hand, made me very difficult to live with. Predictably, my wife and I clashed and my inner woman felt who was my wife anyway. 

As life went on, the emotional blackmail continued and even worsened. Our sex life worsened because I insisted on making love as two women. She hated the idea and all activity ground to a halt until she passed away. It was during this time also when I was sneaking out more behind her back and meeting new people for the first time. Ironically, I was approached by way more women than men and primarily became friends with lesbians for some reason. Whatever the reason was, I was enjoying the new company I had found and was able to learn so many things from them. One night on one of my gender parties I went to I ended up leaving with a single lesbian woman and going to a dance club in Columbus, Ohio. Nothing physical happened so I considered it another case of emotional cheating I was doing to my wife of twenty five years.

Sometimes I wondered if the emotional blackmail I was subjecting my wife to was worse than any other form of abuse. Sadly or not, I couldn't do anything about my quest to understand and be a better woman. Probably, what was left of my old male self who loved my wife dearly and on occasion had enjoyed our life together was the biggest obstacle to changing it all and coming out fulltime. He kept screaming at me to not give up and the ripping and tearing of living between two genders nearly killed me. Plus, after or during one of our biggest fights, my wife told me something to the tune of why didn't I be enough of a man to be a woman. It would have certainly have been the best way out of the torment if I had only listened. Of course I didn't. 

I was one of the fortunate transgender women as I found a soft landing spot with plenty of assistance when I transitioned. I learned to rely on my feminine instincts which had been ignored for so long as my new life began to take shape. And most importantly emotional blackmail faded into my past as something which never really happened. We all know it did. It wasn't right and I wasn't a strong enough person to do anything about it. 

Increased Anxieties

Image from Sydney Sims
on UnSplash

When I reached the point where I considered coming out of my gender shell and pursuing a life as a transgender woman, my anxieties went up considerably. 

Possibly, the main issue was just surviving in a new world. Everything was different than I supposed it would be when I experimented as a cross dresser or transvestite. The main difference was I was attempted to insert myself into a new world without the benefit of my old male privilege's I had worked so hard to acquire. When my status was in doubt, I couldn't just bluster my way through and had to finesse it. Especially when I found myself in conversations with other men. When my car broke down one day, I found out the hard way how dramatic the gender change could be when the sheriff who responded along with the tow truck driver refused to listen to me regarding how the best way it would be to get the car back to my house. I finally had to just shut up and play the dumb blond. Even to the point of asking ridiculous questions about how the wrecker worked to the driver when we were heading back. 

Looking back, perhaps the only thing which was really hurt was my male ego who all of a sudden was shut out of my life. 

Through it all, my anxiety continued to build along with the pressure. As it increased for me to be successful on the stops I made on my new gender journey. By stops, I mean  the times I tried to slow down my male to female gender transition to reflect on all that I had learned. It was difficult because I was so eager to attain the next step I was seeking. I shouldn't have worried because huge changes were looming ahead which would make me terrified to go forward yet so excited not to. As the cis woman (born female) friends I began to know, told me so knowingly, welcome to their world.  Any time for reflection I had earned had to be learned on the fly.

As I added layer upon layer of experiences when I went public, adding communication was the one I write about the most. Learning how women uniquely communicate among  themselves was a challenge. I discovered women use a whole different form of talking when men are around or not around. Also, non verbal cues became more important to me as I found myself without the old male privilege of safety. As a man, I could take my personal safety for granted, as a woman the opposite was true. In fact, on several occasions pure eye contact with other women kept me out of possible trouble with men. It certainly took me awhile to learn the new nuances of communicating in the world as a transgender woman. 

The other issue which caused me extreme anxiety was the decision to begin HRT or hormone replacement therapy. I knew before I even considered starting the medications, I would need approval from a doctor which wasn't a given due to my age since I was in my sixties at the time. Plus, if that wasn't bad enough, I knew the changes I would go through would make it impossible to ever go back in my world to my my old male self. Since I was already diagnosed with high anxiety and was on bi-polar meds, this did not make my life any easier at the beginning.

Once I started the hormones though, I knew I had done the right thing. I calmed right down, developed in all the right places and went all out to establish a new life. In addition, as I started to feel at home adjusting to female privilege's, I earned my right to play in what I called the girl's sandbox.  

These days of course I still have anxieties and worry too much but I can say none of my problems come from my solved gender issues. A welcome relief.

Normalcy is for the Weak

 

Image from Joshua Rawson
Harris on UnSplash

Growing up, my expectations from "Greatest Generation" era parents were to fit into the square peg to square hole example. 

To me, it meant being a "normal" boy. Loving sports and playing in the woods next door. The only problem of course was I didn't want anything to do with much of anything associated with being a male. For years and years, I just thought I was not normal as I was sure there couldn't be anyone else who felt the same way I did. 

Ironically, for the shortest period of time, I did encounter a friend in my tweener years who very much leaned towards to being a serious cross dresser or transvestite as it was known back then. Before our experimentations into his Mom's wardrobe and makeup progressed too far, he moved far away. I was left once again thinking I was the only one into being feminine. 

As I went through life, I felt I was never "normal" primarily because of my gender dysphoria which I knew I had long before the term transgender was ever used. The farther I progressed however, I learned I was attracted to others who were not "normal" by society's standards. I think deep down I was attracted to them because I thought they would be the friends who would accept my authentic transgender self. Sadly, once I was starting to embrace my non-normal self, I was forced into the ultimate square peg into a square hole experience, known as Army basic training. BCT was the ultimate team building experience. 

Ironically, the exact opposite happened to me. Surviving basic gave me the tools I needed to further embrace who I was. I knew if I put my mind to something, I could be a success, even if it was in a so-called normal profession. Much to my parent's chagrin I ended up for years as a radio disc jockey. A profession long on enjoyment but extremely short on money. As I struggled financially, I added a daughter who directly caused me to seek a more settled environment. From there I found myself in a thirty year (plus) career in the commercial restaurant business. Little did I know, the food business back in those days was in an incredible expansion phase. Allowing me to jump jobs as I tried to out run my gender issues. From the outside looking in, I am sure I appeared a little more than a little crazy. During that period, I was fond of telling anyone who appeared interested I was not normal.

It turned out, through it all, I was normal. Once I did transition into the life of my authentic transgender self, I calmed down and began to realize all of the sudden once I was living as my true self, I was normal. 

The path I took to get there was not at all easy and not for the weak of heart. I just needed to be the round peg being pushed into the round hole.  

Transgender Vacation Blues

 

Image 
from UnSplash 

Back when my second wife was still alive, in the early fall or late summer we used to vacation close to the same area every year. 

We used to just take off and travel from our home in Southern Ohio and make the trip up through Toledo and Detroit up into northern Michigan. Often trying to escape the late summer heat, we went as far North as the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It was a great time to go because many upscale venues in places such as Traverse City discounted their prices for off season tourists and we didn't have crowds to deal with. 

During that portion of my life, things should have been going good. My restoration efforts on our 1860's brick home, were coming together and both my wife and I enjoyed jobs which provided us with a little spendable income. What could possibly go wrong? In reality, just one major one. My battle with gender dysphoria. I was just beginning to experience more success as a novice public cross dresser and or transvestite and I wanted to do more. I was also riding the waves of gender euphoria when I went out and gender repression when I couldn't. Part time exploration of my transgender needs just wasn't working. 

It figured then, if I wasn't able to try to experience my gender euphoria just before we went on vacation, most certainly I would mentally crash and burn during our vacation. Of course when I did I would grow grumpy to the point where my wife would ask me what was wrong. She would ask what else I needed in life to be happy. At that point I just couldn't tell her the truth. The only thing which would have made me happier at that moment was if I was making the vacation trip as a transgender woman. From then on I did the usual male response and internalized my feelings and acted as if I was feeling better.

Sadly my gender dysphoria managed to ruin several vacations for me as time after time I fell into bouts of gender depression. I was even affected when we made our annual stop in the village of Frankenmuth, Michigan to look for rare Christmas tree ornaments my wife didn't already have since she was a Christmas fanatic. I over compensated by encouraging her to over buy every year. As we walked through the stores, no matter what I was outwardly feeling, inwardly I wanted to be doing it with her as two girlfriends. Naturally, the entire process ruined the vacation time I should have been enjoying.  I had the vacation blues which at times frustrated me even more because I should have been enjoying my hard earned time away from my pressure packed job.

Since I never had the courage to face my transgender truths until much later in life, my vacation blues never changed until I retired and met Liz, my current wife. The vacations we have taken changed the vacation narrative for me. The blues have disappeared and for once I have been able to enjoy myself. .