Regrets?

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Jessie Hart Archives

I would suppose, similar to anyone who has reached the stage of life I have reached, may have a few regrets.

As far as I am concerned, I don't have many. Along the way, I have been fortunate to have loved and be loved by several different women. Three of which married me. In each of my marriages had their own special ups and downs. One of the regrets I do have was when I needed desperately to be the one who cheated on my first wife so I could marry my second wife. I wasn't proud of being the cheater in the relationship but I see my first wife (and mother of my only child) approximately twice a year and we get along well. We both moved on to other long term relationships which proved out to be for the best. 

I was with my second wife for over twenty five years before she tragically passed away from a massive heart attack. My regrets with her primarily revolved around me not knowing the full reach of my transgender feelings and I ended up dragging (no pun intended) both of us through the gender mess I created as I transitioned. It would have been easier if I had just pulled the band-aid off and just let the dust settle where it may. But I was selfish and still liked part of what I had accomplished as a guy. So much so, I didn't want to let it all go which was a major mistake. One which almost killed me. I would not wish attempting to live convincingly between the two main primary genders on anyone. From day to day, just to get by, I needed to concentrate which gender I was that day. I found myself in some sort of a gender twilight zone trying to figure out daily was I a man or a woman.

I did know I loved being a woman, I loved the clothes and the challenge of facing society daily as my increasingly feminine side. Sadly, as with anything else you love, many problems come with the process. Life at once became exciting and terrifying. I didn't know what I was doing as a novice transgender woman but I learned fast. At the least, I gave myself the latitude to make mistakes and keep discovering a new world. Regrets? Sure, I made many mistakes along the way as I presented myself to the world. Plus I was lucky too when I got away with more than I should ever been able to. The main ones occurred when I went behind my second wife's back to cheat on her. With another woman who happened to be me. I had always thought I was a honest person, so the whole deal proved to be excruciating to me. The more success I felt on one hand felt so natural but at the same time I was cheating on the person I loved.

I suppose everyone has regrets but destiny has softened my challenges I have experienced from the challenging idea I wanted to change my gender. Ironically, it was my third wife (and current one)who came along and saved me from myself in my darkest days. She made me a believer in myself as a person and convinced me I should have live fulltime as a trans woman. She sealed my belief in her when she told me she had only seen the feminine in me. That was over a decade ago and we have never looked back and our relationship remains strong.

It doesn't do much good to have any regrets anyhow. Life moves fast and if you didn't take the opportunity to seize it when you had the chance, it may never come around again. I am just fortunate in I have been blessed with a long life to try not to repeat my mistakes and have regrets.