The Biggest Risk

 

Image from Engin Ackurt
on UnSplash. 

Recently, I had a comment from "Indigo" on a post I had just completed.

"Indigo" mentioned she was just beginning her transition and wanted to know what I thought was the most important male privilege I had lost when I crossed the gender border. My answer was, by far, the biggest privilege I lost was my personal security. In the space of one year, I needed to fend off potentially harmful attacks from men which I write about often in the hopes of protecting others searching for their transgender womanhood, or even novice cross dressers. 

The first negative learning experience I had was from a person, I will refer to as a transgender admirer at a small party I was attending with my second wife. The admirer was a much larger person than I and had literally trapped me in a narrow hallway in the house we were in. It was the first time in my life I had felt powerless to fend off another person who I thought meant me harm. Ironically, it was my wife who had to rescue me when she showed up in the nick of time. Since she did not approve of the provocative short mini-dress I was wearing that night, I had to hear way too many I told you so's on the way home. It turned out the lesson I learned was to do my best to judge the surroundings I was in before I could place myself in trouble. Not in any way shape or form what I was wearing. My wife was telling me about the right things for the wrong reasons.

The second main situation I found myself in was one night when I was walking alone between two gay bars in downtown Dayton, Ohio. Out of nowhere, I was approached by two men asking for money. I was lucky when they were satisfied with taking the last five dollars I had and let me go. From the experience, I asked for friends to accompany me when and if I ever went back there. By that time in my life, I was nearly done with gay venues anyhow, so it did not matter. 

I need to mention also, both of these learning lessons occurred years ago, and times have changed for the worse. However, the fact remains, women still have to protect themselves in the world from far too many toxic men. As another reader, told me, women are raised to be aware of situations which could be dangerous, and men are not. These days, a lot matters on where you live and how far along you are in your presentation. I am fortunate to live in a city (Cincinnati) which flies the transgender flag on the Transgender Day of Visibility and in an upscale suburb of the city which I have found to be very accepting to me. On the other hand, if I would drive ten or twenty miles to the next suburb, it is very conservative and non-accepting of transgender people. Plus, under current Ohio law, which is being challenged in the courts, I am not allowed in the women's restroom, which is a problem of course regardless of where I am. 

The best I can say is to anyone who is starting your transition, is to just be careful. You have to remember you do not carry your man cards anymore. Always, park at night in lighted lots and keep your head on a swivel. I know too, many transgender women who carry small firearms to protect themselves, but as far as I have ever gone is having Mace with me at all times. On top of all of this, under the current administration, if the wrong person senses something is wrong with your presentation, they could be emboldened enough to actually say something negative. Much worse than the old days when the worse which could probably happen was when you could get laughed at by a group of teenaged girls. 

It has always been very difficult to succeed as a transgender woman or man because to make it, often we have to be better than the next person. But once again please be aware of your own personal safety when you lose all your man cards. It is the biggest risk. For every negative, there is a positive and it is there are many supporting LGBTQ or transgender groups who will support you when you need it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel which is not the train. 

Back Up Plans

 

JJ Hart visiting Key Largo.

Following several near misses as a novice transgender woman out into the world, I began to smarten up and have back up plans when I was in perceived danger. 

After the near misses with security problems on dark streets where I should have never been alone, I hurriedly went home and looked to see if there was anything in my cross dressers handbook which would have alerted me to possible issues. Since I had a beginner's handbook, I found no such warning and because I had been raised male, I went on my way like nothing should ever happen. Well, it did, and I was fortunate to buy my way out of the problem with my last five-dollar bill. From then on, I learned my lesson and never went back there without an escort of some sort. Common sense had set in. 

Many other of my problems early in my public life as a cross dresser or transgender woman came from other less than intelligent decisions, I made on my own which set me up for failure. Such as the night when my second wife and I attended a diverse mixer in Columbus, Ohio. Against her wishes, I wore a very short mini dress with my long blond wig and ended up being trapped and nearly accosted by a much larger and aggressive "admirer" in a narrow hallway of the house we were in. My wife showed up and he backed off, giving her an ideal "I told you so" moment. From that experience I learned how helpless a woman could feel when trapped by an aggressive man. I went home and added it to my back up plans for the future and scribbled it into my mental gender notebook.

Other experiences were less stressful and even more humorous. One I will never forget was when I was tempting fate with wearing water balloons as breast forms. The double-edged sword of wearing the water filled forms was they were very fragile. Especially when I ignored the danger and made the balloons bigger. All went well, until the night one broke while I was out drinking in a venue, I was a regular in. I was lucky, when the mini flood cut loose, I was already heading for the women's room which happened to be deserted.  I was able to clean up, pay my tab and leave without further incident. I did not think telling the staff I was pregnant would have worked. When I arrived home, the water balloon breast forms became history for me, and I saved up for my first set of silicone forms. 

As the years flew by and I became more interactive with the public, I began to fill out more and more of my transgender workbook, complete with backup plans. I learned to be more cautious with my plans, allowing for more of the inevitable problems which would crop up. Even still, I was caught unaware on several occasions. One of which comes to mind when I was innocently chatting with another woman's husband when she went to the restroom. When she returned, in no uncertain terms, she made it clear I was not supposed to talk to him. My back up plan was to quickly leave, and I did.

I learned also, as I transitioned away from the male gender, very quickly I lost all my male privilege too. The old bluster my way through potentially dangerous situations went away. All of a sudden, I needed to look ahead and not put myself into those situations to start with became important. Many times, I needed to think if things could go wrong, they would. Before it was the same for my spousal relationship, I needed to begin coming home earlier so I could take off my makeup and clothes before my wife returned home from her night shift. Most of the time, I did make it, but when I did not, there was hell to pay. 

Finally, when I became freed up to live my transgender womanhood, I could store away most of my back up plans and move on. However, many of the plans I discovered were just part of being a woman anyhow, so I considered them a rite of passage. Other women grew up learning about the gender rules (right or wrong) and I needed to do the same. 

Mourning your Past

Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives

Is there ever a time when you miss your old gender self? 

Do you miss your old male privileges which seemingly gave you more rights?  Remember the old days when you survived with the myth of more intelligence and less mansplaining in any conversation with a man. While I remember the shock of my first times of interaction with a group of men who essentially were ignoring me, on the other hand I thought somehow I had arrived in the place I wanted to be. I was experiencing first hand the loss of the privilege's I had fought so hard to accumulate in a male world I didn't like. 

No matter how much you enjoy your new life as a transgender woman or trans man, possibly there could be times when you miss the good times? On my end, it is very rare when I miss the "good old days" which weren't so good. 

On a recent interview with a Veterans Life Insurance representative I experienced a brief glimpse into my past when I needed to explain my gender situation with the sales person. For the sake of insurance, since I have not undergone any gender realignment surgeries, I had to tell the person I was still biological a male,  even though I lived as a woman. Through the confusion, the only person who really suffered was my daughter who was rudely interrupted by an insurance call which referred to me as a "he". Since she has a transgender child and a is a fierce ally of the trans community, she was not happy. So I ended up calling the representative and asking what she was doing calling her at all. 

Other moments of surprise and a bit of shock occurred during the times when I had my personal safety challenged. The first time happened during a party I was attending in Columbus, Ohio with my second wife who was strongly opposed to the mini skirt I was wearing. Her fears for me materialized when during the party a huge cross dresser admirer cornered me in a narrow hallway. For the first time in my life, I was made to feel powerless about my body until I was rescued by my wife and he freed me. 

The second major time happened one night when I was leaving a late night urban gay venue on a lonely, dark street in Dayton, Ohio. As I clicked down the sidewalk in my high heels, I was suddenly approached by two men. Again I felt totally powerless and on the edge of panic. That night I was lucky when I was able to use my last five dollar bill and they went away to my relief. From then on, I learned my lesson and always tried to park in close well lit parking lots. The old days of just having more personal security were over but I knew they had to go.

Overall I looked at the whole privilege changing time as a challenge and one I needed to conquer. Through it all, I had no time or will power to mourn any of my past. The only time I have twinges is during football season when I remember a few of the intense past experiences I went through when my second wife (a big fan too) attended all the biggest The Ohio State Buckeyes football games. Admittedly most  were memorable times I would not trade like the birth of my daughter which I was present for. 

Being part of the two binary genders has made me an overall better person. Mourning was just a part of my life as is it is a part of any other life. I view the process as a plus as I tried hard to leave my old male past behind and begin a new life as a transgender woman.    

Loss of Status

I have written numerous times here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning how crucial it is to be careful when you first begin to explore the feminine world. 

You lose many things when you cross the gender frontier and lose your male privileges.  The most important one to consider is your own personal security. In society, the feminine gender is simply the one which becomes the target for physical and emotional abuse.

My idea's on the subject were brought up again when I read a post from Mandy and her experience in a coin shop. To make a long story short, she encountered a questionable man who was trying to buy her coins instead of the store. Mandy has her own very long hair, painted nails and has no problem "passing" as a woman. On this occasion, perhaps "passing" could be the least of her problems. Fortunately the store clerk got rid of the man in question and Mandy even noted his license plate when he left.

Over the years I have noted my own close calls with the public when I first began to come out. In particular, I wrote about the near altercation I had with two men outside a gay bar late one night in downtown Dayton, Ohio. I paid my way out of that with the last five dollars I had in my purse. The next time I went to the same area in my long black skirt with a deep slit, matching sleeveless tank top and long straight flowing dark wig, I asked for support when I left. I was meeting two lesbians and I asked them to walk me to my car. Which they gladly did.

All transgender women should learn quickly to park in lighted areas, as close as possible to your destination. In other words, do not make yourself a target. It's a double edged sword because if you look too good you could be a target. Or, if someone clocks you as a transgender woman, trouble could erupt again.

Some trans women I know, as well as cis women too go to the drastic step of carrying self protection. From pepper spray to fire arms I have heard it all. My partner Liz (who has martial arts training) has purchase long pointed objects to go on our key chains in case something happens. 

Also, bars and taverns around the country are placing warning signs in the women's restrooms to provide possible help to women in need.(left)

How sad is it any of this has to happen. Or sadder yet I have to write about it.

Just be aware when you transition, your greatest privilege loss could be your personal security.