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| Key West, Florida on Vacation. |
All the decades I spent of my life on the journey from male to female never became old and boring.
Even though I spent decades to arrive in my transgender
womanhood, surprisingly, the trip never got old. Perhaps it was because I was
so entrenched in my male existence and could not get out. Certainly, I knew I
did not want to receive any participation trophies simply because I was semi
successful as a man to place on my imaginary mantel in my mind. I learned
quickly where my true learnings were with my gender and my search for truth
never was not exciting. I can vividly remember all the times when I first went
out shopping as my true self and thought I was accepted as a woman by the
clerks I encountered. When, in fact, they were accepting me for my money first.
It did not matter to me at the time because I was scared to
death and was just trying to find my way in a new world I had only every
dreamed of. So, this was what it was like to shop as a woman? I loved it. I
also loved it when I was able to present well enough to relax more and be brave
enough to expand my horizons. I began to stop for lunch on my shopping trips so
I would have more one on one time with the public at large. Instead of just
going to a big bookstore just to browse, I started to stop for a cup of coffee
and to use the rest room for the first time in my life as a transgender woman.
Through it all, I was surviving and thriving and most importantly, my life
suddenly never was old again.
From there, I started to go out at night and discovered a
whole new world to be involved with. This was my much-publicized time when I
gave up on male gay bars, and began to seek out more venues I could enjoy
myself in. The bottom line was, if I was going to be discriminated for being
trans in a gay bar, I could find somewhere else to spend my money. When I did
find other venues, my life really began to be exciting and new, it never got
old being accepted in a new venue which normally featured big cold beers along
with big colorful television screens to watch sports on.
From that point forward, life really began to speed up on
me. It seemed every night, something new was happening and I was learning the nuances
of being able to cross the gender border. I believe I was not convincing anyone
I was a cisgender woman but on the other hand, I was a woman with a different
background. The distinction became an important one for me to have to
succeed in the direction I wanted to go. The direction of course, was the path
I was on to leave my closet permanently and join the world as my true self who should
have been in control the entire time. Even though the path had plenty of dead
ends and sharp curves, following it never got old.
Since my path never got old, I knew I was on the right one
for the first time in my life. The new freedom I felt propelled me when I was
doubting which direction I should take in my life. The vibe I felt was real and
I decided to risk all the materialistic items I had as a male would be risked
and could possibly go away. Which meant everything, including spouses, friends,
and employment had to change. Naturally, I spent hours, days and even weeks
agonizing on what I was going to do.
The fact which kept coming back to me was, I had gone to far
down the femininized path I was on to ever go back to the male life I had
known. I even realized, I was much more than a cross dresser or a man who liked
to look like a woman when he could. Or I was sliding down a very slippery
dangerous gender slope towards a very steep cliff and I had no idea of how I
would land.
It turned out I had nothing to worry about. With the help of
several women friends, I had made along with gender affirming hormones, my
landing was surprisingly soft. Even after I did, I still could not relax. Being
comfortable with myself as a transgender woman proved not to be an option. The
whole process never became old, and I could not live without it.
