Do the Right Thing

 

Image from UnSplash.

I learned early on from my parents when in doubt, you should always do the right thing. At the same time, I learned from them, dressing to look like a girl was not doing the right thing. So, I needed to completely hide it.

Later, when I attempted to navigate my gender path, I found many obstacles I did not foresee hurting me. But they did and brought about many doubts. Of course, the main doubt was, should I be doing all the cross dressing I was doing in public at all. Still, I persisted and improved my craft at presenting well as a femininized person. Finally, I arrived at a point where I could leave my dark gender closet and attempt to live a new scary yet exciting life. The more I explored as a novice transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. Which brought me back to the question, was I doing the right thing. 

Similar to so many of you, I suffered from extreme guilt as my second wife kept telling me my gender desires were selfish pursuits. The sad part of it was, for the most part, she was right. She wanted very little to do with me wanting to be a woman, so I kept it away from her. Not the right thing to do in a marriage but was my only recourse. At that time, I only had a distant dream of perhaps living someday as a transgender woman. All I needed was the courage to face my reality. 

Because of a number of reasons, I needed to do much more exploring the world as a transgender woman to see if I could survive. First, I had to look the part, then I needed to live the part. Standing in my way, were the usual questions of transitioning to another gender such as what would become of my family, friends and job. As well as did I really hate my male life that much. I wasted hour upon hour antagonizing over what I should do and would it be the right thing. 

I was stubborn of course and refused to do any more than observe several transsexual women I knew from a distance. From their stories I did know they had really good safe jobs or were close to retirement so they could support themselves whereas I did not and had no idea of what I would do for an income. Plus, I also needed to consider, both of them were flat out gorgeous and had no problems presenting in the world as women. I did not labor under any idea I even came close to being as attractive as them and did not have that going for me either. After taking all of this and much more into consideration, I did not know what I could do about my gender dilemma which was not doing my mental health any favors.

What I did do was try to continue on the path I was on. To increase my awareness of the world as a transgender woman as much as I could at a time, I went as far as I could. Even absorbing major clashes with my wife over what I was doing. I can't always say I did the right thing as I learned more and more about living in the new world I was seeking. There were too many times when I had to out and out lie to get out of situations, I found myself in. In all fairness to my wife, she told me to stop it and just become a woman to bring peace to both of us. Still, I did not have the courage to change my life and leave her behind. I did not do the right thing. 

You regulars know what happened next. My wife passed away quite tragically from a heart attack leaving me all alone with my dogs to put my life back together. I rapidly turned to my inner feminine self as the strongest person around and did the right thing and finally turned to a life I always just dreamed of. 

On a side note, I may be missing a day of blogging tomorrow as my wife Liz and I have a daylong seminar to attend. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Just Plodding Along?

When life slows down for me, I just have tell you all I feel a little guilty. I struggle to write much about my day to day existence.

I can tell you though what I never dreamed would happen and it is.  I appreciate the fact that in the morning, I somehow know immediately if the effects of HRT have stepped up or stayed the same. I love the fact that through a combination of tedious repetition and the effects of feminization I'm pretty much able to navigate the world similar to any other woman. I cherish the group of friends I have, the family that supports me and a person who is crazy to consider spending the rest of her life with me.

I'm an adrenaline driven person, always have been. It's interesting to me how this transition process in essence has become more mundane and how do I feel about it? Is the thrill gone? For the most part it is. Here's an example:  The electric charge of a new outfit or the stepping out the door as a girl just isn't there. Why is this good???

First and foremost my adrenalin rushes were very shallow and didn't give me a real look at what a feminine existence would be. Here's a comparison from "back in the day" when I had a cross dressing acquaintance who was also a fireman on a nearby large urban fire department He often connected potential dots between the excitement of fighting a fire versus dressing as woman.  Ironically, she connected quite a few more dots and finally went through SRS. I have lost track of her but it would be interesting to learn of her feelings now.

So here I sit with my self described "Princess" cross dressing phase way behind me  The problem was, the Princess and I never got along. I had a deep sense of feeling something was still wrong deep inside when I was cross dressed or not. Finally it turned out,  I was given the golden opportunity to search for an answer for myself.

The answer was and is, I needed to transition and in a lifetime of less than intelligent gender decisions, I made the right one.

I'm guessing the feelings I'm having now are just part of the usual gender "re-socialization" process. To be sure I want to have the perfect hair and the best "look" for the occasion but now all of that has taken a back seat to enjoying the company of my friends.

I know it seems I'm just bitchin and whinin.  In reality though, I'm attempting to take all of us through this next step in my transition journey.

As we undertake this most difficult of all ventures, I believe our souls give us direction signs. I was given a very vivid one as I crossed the threshold from cross dresser to transgender.

I was naive enough to think I had arrived as a trans woman then reality set in. Surely, I'm right in the middle of that reality now and the only certainty is, I love it!