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| Image from Jayson Hinrichsen on UnSplash. |
There are many things we do in the gender universe which represent a low risk, high reward effort.
For example, under the cross-dresser umbrella, we have the far-ranging
participants who go from wearing panties under their male clothes, all the way
to those who fully dress as transfeminine women in their spare time. At the
least, there is more risk to the cross dresser who is fully dressing in
feminine fashion and makeup than the person who simply needs to pull his pants
up to cover his panties. At some point too, one must consider if wearing women’s
clothes is simply a fetish or is there more to it. Which carries even further
into the world of sissies and such which involves men who fantasize about forced
femininization.
In my case, even though I deeply felt the pleasure of hose
on my shaved legs, or other beginning thrills such as looking at myself in the
mirror, deep down I knew there was so much more to what I was doing about my developing
gender issues. I knew too, if I was ever caught with my clothes and makeup on,
there would be no rewards, just risks, so I needed to be very careful. All the
way to the point of never wearing panties under my male pants at school and on
rare occasions dreaming about a woman forcing me to cross dress at all. Ironically,
I talked a woman into dressing me head to toe as a woman only one time and I ended
up thinking I could have done it better myself. The risk of telling her did not
equal any reward at all.
The risks and rewards proportionally grew greater together as
I grew older and my male life began to grow. Many times, without my feminine
one who was still stuck in her mirror. It was in the Army of all places, when I
first came out to a small group of friends that I was a transvestite and much
more than the fully cross-dressed woman they were able to see at a Halloween
party. Naturally, it was a huge risk to take because the Army could have taken
measures to discharge me. The reward did come when I was able to finally feel
the relief of telling someone else my deepest secret and no one cared.
The further reward of coming out of gender shell was the fact
my first wife was in the group of friends I came out to. Our marriage then led
to the greatest reward of my life…the birth of my daughter who supports me to
this day.
As my male world kept expanding and threatened to take over
my transfeminine experience, I was going through a wonderful period of great
discoveries in my life. Those were the days when I first discovered the
transgender term and what it meant to me. For the first time in my life, I
found a community which I belonged in. I was too much woman for the average low
risk cross dresser and too little for the risk it all world of the transsexuals
who were headed for gender realignment surgery.
I was so comfortable in my new place in the world, I was
prepared to take bigger and bigger risks. Much to the chagrin of my second wife
who had no problem with my cross dressing but was totally against any thoughts
of starting gender affirming hormones and living increasingly as a woman. Every
time I went out to explore the new feminine world I was creating, I was risking
my twenty-five-year marriage. Because I chose to lie to myself for many years
of denying who I really was, I ended up making us both miserable.
My excuse was I knew I would be losing a great marriage, a
substantial job and many hard-earned male privileges if I threw all my cards
into the middle of the table and came out into the world as the person I was
always meant to be. Finally, the choice ceased to be mine as I embraced my new
feminine self. My wife had passed away, I reached the point where I could
retire from my job, and I was eager to check out the world of female privilege.
It was all a huge risk, but I had to take it as I was nearing the age of sixty
and I figured I was near a now or never moment in my life.
I had never been a gambler of any sort, but I wished I had
the courage to make the move I made earlier. One thing is for certain; you can
never rewind your life to make up for past mistakes. You just have to do the
best that you can of your past to plan ahead for the future risks you will have
to take.
