Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Going Out The "Out" Door.

Breakfast this morning with a dear friend included me opening the door of my entire life to her as well as the address to this blog.
I can't begin to say what her friendship means to me!
Perhaps it is easier to write it!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Trangendered Reality Versus Validation Part II

As promised, here are some more observations from my weekend day out with a girlfriend and her son.
The day was easily my most complete day as a woman since the NFL game I went to with another friend last year.
As I pointed out before, I live a lot of life as a girl. From socializing in straight venues to shopping I do it all.
So why was the weekend sooo different? 
The difference (I feel) is the fact I had no escape route.  All my favorite spots have built in escape routes if I need them.  Bartenders and managers know me.  I know the paths of least resistance if I need to use them.
I knew before the day was over I would have to brave the "porta potties".  Of course the sanitary conditions were a big challenge but the public was a bigger one. Here I was in the afternoon light waiting my turn with both genders of all ages.
No way out, If I wanted to live life as a girl, these situations were as necessary learning experiences.
Sure I was validated as a woman by standing in line and taking care of business without a second look. Reality was doing it.
Reality was not sneaking away from "hawkers" singling me out attempting to sell things. Again there was no where to go. I had to smile and keep on walking.
Bottom line was I was put in a corner..enough playing , talking and planning about being a girl.
It was time to put the woman where the mouth was!
She loved it!!!!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Transgender Validation Versus Reality

Being validated as a woman is what used to be called passing in my book.(or blog)
Reality is living an extended amount of time as a woman.
Yesterday was an exercise in reality for me.
I went to a fall festival with my friend and her 8th grade son. Yes she is a cis-female.
The nuances of finding parking standing in lines for entertainment, food and of course shopping were incredible.
After a short period of time I had to look down at my breasts and clothes to remind myself who I was. I was no longer worried about being validated as a woman by the public. I simply was one.
I will relate some of the smaller nuances of my date later....such as the porta potty and the bleacher seats!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Handmade Fashion For You!

A friend of mine designs her own line of bracelets, bags and jewelry.  I was looking over her web site and came across at least a couple of pieces that may be of interest to some of you.
Particuarly if you are into the "Goth" culture or are looking for a special addition to your exotic Halloween costume check out this hand made bracelet!
Fishnet hose, a short lacy black dress, boots and a head full of out of control dark hair and the evening is yours with this bracelet completing your outfit!
Check out more at Liz's website.
Cyrsti

Then there was Bob?

On my way back from my "session" with the "Doc" I stopped to relax and catch up on my phone messages at my favorite "pub".
I no more than settled in and brought the "droid" out of my purse (android phone) when I saw him eyeing me from across the bar. I figured nothing more would come of his interest. He was thinking one of two things anyhow. Either I was trans and he was curious or he was curious why a single woman was there in a sports pub to begin with.
The next thing I knew he was sitting next me and before I could react he had his hand on my thigh. Let me point out "Bob" was an older intoxicated man and quite the active one.  Quickly I learned a move I really didn't know I had...crossing my legs and putting my arm down the middle of the top leg so my hand was at my knee and elbow at my my waist.  Good old Bob couldn't get his wandering hands anywhere important.
About this time one of the female bartenders was going to intervene but I assured her I could take care of myself with good old Bob.
I simply changed the subject from me to him and started mentally harassing  him ever so gently. I even involved him in a conversation with one of the female regulars I knew would annihilate him!
He quickly grew tired of me fending off his six pair of hands and wobbled over to a pair of blonds who entered the pub. I went back to my world hoping he wasn't driving in that condition.
Good old Bob taught me an important lesson about women and their surroundings. The situation can change so fast. Not always for the best!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Glam Trans?

I don't know what this means...and I'm sure everyone on their mailing list got one but....
Fabulous After 40 Newsletter: September 22, 2011 | Volume I, Issue 119

Personal Note from Deborah and JoJami

 Cyrsti,

We hear you when you say that trying to figure out what to wear every season is a big challenge because most times the runway is not the reality. There's no denying that some of the clothes we see on the catwalk are fascinating and gorgeous, but more often, too over the top for a real woman to wear. That's where the confusion and overwhelm begins.

How do you translate these bold, and sometimes wacky looking styles and make them work for you?

We've written some posts to help you out. Check out our Fall Trends posts that give you the high fashion runway look - for inspiration, and the reality look - for real life.

Here's hoping that the next time you see a boa constrictor metallic jumpsuit, you'll be able to stop laughing long enough to consider how you might want to incorporate a little snakeskin accent into your fall wardrobe.

______

Cheers,

Deborah & JoJami, The Glam Gals
 Gee, I thought I would pretty good in that jumpsuit!!!! lol!
Seriously, their site is a wonderful fashion source!

Transgendered Veterans!

From "The Advocate" comes this update near and dear to my heart!
The story is called "Trans American Military Stories" and features interviews with four transgendered vets. The four transgendered vets are a very small part of the nearly 300,000 transgender people who may have served in the military — even though the government won’t officially allow it.
For you new visitors to the blog I am a transgendered vet and I am testing the hormone waters with them.
The number comes from The Transgender American Veterans Association.
"TAVA"  reports there could be up to 300,000 transgender military veterans in the U.S. today. In 2005, when the TAVA put a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Solider, there was a transgender person representing every U.S. military conflict since WWII.
Still, the very psychological diagnosis that allows transgender folks to get medical care — Gender Identity Disorder — makes them ineligible to serve. And those who’ve gone through corrective surgeries are listed as having “physical abnormalities.” Anyone who is caught wearing clothing of the perceived opposite sex receives a court martial.
According to “Transgender People in the U.S. Military: Summary and Analysis of the 2008 Survey” by the Transgender America Veterans Association the vast majority of transgender vets are trans women (of those using VA hospitals, 13% identified on the FTM spectrum, while 82% identified somewhere on the MTF spectrum) although trans men were three times more likely than trans women to have been asked by an officer about their sexual orientation (33% versus 11%).
Clearly our transgender community has come a long way. We have come close enough to the cliff to see how far the fall is and how hard the landing will be if we come out to the world.
Truly, I can't imagine coming out in the military I knew in the 70's. (Ironically though, I did come out for the first time as a crossdresser with a couple of close friends when I was in the Army.)
As I have posted, I do plan to challenge the initial statement by my therapist that the VA hospital I deal with does not dispense hormones like the VA centers "on the coasts". First of course, I need to get the letter and go from there. My point is why can a transgendered vet on the "coasts" get hormones and I can't?
Reading the stories in this article encouraged me to do more if I have the chance.  How great would it be to open some new doors if I can!

The Only "She" In The Room.

You would think I would be more aware of certain situations I encounter as a transgendered girl.
Before my session, I ended up waiting with a room full of men watching TV.
The television was turned to a soap opera. One guy looked at the others and said "there has to be something better on the television." One of the others said "turn the channel." I couldn't see it anyhow from where I was sitting and I was acting like I was really reading a magazine when yet another guy said "before you turn it, is she watching?" Relatively quickly, my inner self said Hey! I'm the only she in the room. Quickly I looked up from my magazine and shyly told them "No I wasn't watching, but thanks!" (More than they knew!)
Shortly the therapist came and she loved the story!
I also told her about the longest three minutes or so of my life as I waited with a group of ten or so patients, nurses and visitors at the main set of elevators. I couldn't make myself invisible so I tried to casually look disinterested in my surroundings. I'm fairly certain I looked at the directory sign about a hundred times! To my knowledge no one said a word or even noticed the transgendered girl dying inside!
As you all know I spend much of my life in the public eye as a girl and for the life of me I can't understand why this VA setting intimidates me so much.
My next visit corresponds with my birthday. What a great gift a letter would be and the mean old hospital may take on a different purpose!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Trip #2 In The Books.

I wish I could tell you the letter was mine from the VA psychologist approving me for hormone therapy.
No that didn't happen. Do I think it will? Yes and I will press the issue in our next visit. One of the biggest reasons I think I will get approval is how she said goodbye.
She made a really big point of calling me Cyrsti.
I believe during the session I settled two really big points she is concerned about.
I recounted the "tire" experience I posted a couple days ago.  She wondered how I would have approached the situation as Cyrsti. I simply told her I realize the difference in how genders approach problems and I would have went to more of a please help other than a do it. In addition I recounted stories of how my late wife was such a great mentor if she meant to or not. Bottom line, I had to prove to her I know being female is more than the clothes.
We transitioned (ha ha) into how I just don't feel much fulfillment from my male life. My female life is filled with a new set of friends I enjoy immensely. I can just be more compassionate and grounded and feel more from the world. I mentioned to her and you I just feel out of place now in most settings as a guy.
Finally, she asked about financial ideas.  I actually have several that I believe I can support my female life.
The hour seemed as if it went by in minutes and probably only contained 10 or 15 of key information.
I just hope the key's were clear enough to convince her and I think they will!


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Transgender Liberation

Trans Liberation is the belief that all people have the right to express and define their own gender. Basically that drag queens/kings, gender queer, transsexuals and cross dressers are sane human beings with worth. Through education and better understanding of gender we can all be liberated to be who we really are."

From The Detroit News: http://detnews.com/article/20110916/OPINION03/109160312/‘Love-will-prevail’-in-transgender-issues#ixzz1YYhPnRlU

Just read this and thought you all may enjoy it!
Cysrti

Transgender Validation?

We talked about my experience as a guy at the tire store this weekend. Of course I thought a lot about it. Especially since I have my second therapist appoitment coming up today.
I needed validation of my desire to be female.  Were the feelings of warmth and contentment still there? What changes (if any) would there be dealing with the public?
Going to a place where validation and non validation has taken place in the past seemed to be a great idea.  You have read my posts about my adventures on Tuesday's at a huge sports pub filled with a 20 to 40 something crowd. Tuesday is 2-dollar pint night with 64 drafts so the pub is the place to be in the area.
Last night was just wonderful.  Not only was I accepted as a woman to the casual observer, I had to stand in line once in the women's room waiting for a stall. No problems.
All of that was well and good. The internal sensation was what I was really searching for.
The feelings of satisfaction and the realization I was at home with myself were the same.
I guess I reassured myself the brief macho me was only a return to a past I'm trying to put behind me.
Maybe I'm lucky he was there when I needed him...and leave it at that.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Fall Pleasures!

Cool crisp fall mornings. Leaves changing to bright oranges and reds.  Pumpkins appearing on porches and in brown harvested fields.
All cherished visions and memories of fall in my part of the world.
Memories made all so much special by the soft swell of my breasts in a fuzzy warm sweater and tight jeans tucked into a new pair of boots.
It's time to pull the black leather coat out of the closet and softly fluff my hair down my back.
All welcome memories of fall on a cool crisp morning as a friend of mine and I head to one of many fall festivals!

Transgender Therapy Session Two!

Time flies faster when you are transgendered? I'm sure it doesn't but it does seem like yesterday (2 weeks ago) when I sat down with a therapist to discuss the possibility of starting hormones. Since I've been into "label-mania" lately, I wonder if she will be too on my next visit? Will she want to discuss the 3 "Big T's"? (Transgendered,Transsexual or Transvestite)
I have no idea. I was at a total loss what the first session would be and a bigger loss for this one.
If I was a guessing girl, the first session was about talking about me and the second could be the therapist asking about me.
If indeed she writes a letter recommending hormone therapy wouldn't she want to know which of the "3 T's" I would fit?
Yet another question would be how many sessions should I expect.  Several of you readers with more experience in this area have told me to expect 3 or even more sessions and that's fine.
It is very difficult for me not to look too far ahead. Focusing on each session and not selling myself should be my main focus.  This is not a job interview.  I just need to be me and I am.  It's just that all of this is something I want badly and I'm afraid trying too hard could ruin it all.
The best part is? Session two is only a day and a half away!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Out of the Closet.

I brought him out of the closet, dusted him off and used him.
Did he care? Probably not because he was me.
During my tire dilemma Saturday, I had to play macho as completely as I had in years to get some service in the shop I was in.
Interestingly enough it felt so strange to have to do that again.
I learned again what I had always taken for granted, my eyes go far in communication as a girl or a guy.  They were instrumental in staring down one of the big burly workers in the shop and getting him motivated to help me.
I can't tell you I feel guilty about pulling my guy out of the closet but he sure was convenient!
Surely the situation this weekend proves I will miss parts of him when he's gone. 
The same as any separation?

Sisters Of The Trangendered Cloth?

Saturday night I experienced an epiphany of sorts.
You have probably seen or read some of the recent  "flim flam"  rhetoric tossed about concerning transsexual and transgendered folks. How insane the rhetoric is became clearer again this weekend.
My "epiphany" on the subject didn't really involve either the transgender or transsexual camp but was more directed to drag queens on one end of the spectrum and cis-women on the other.
I have written a number of times of how I really don't frequent gay venues...except for an occasional drag show.
The exception was Saturday when a female friend and I went to a bar and show.
The experience was her first and she was fascinated about how good the performers looked. She even thought  some looked better than her. I told her she was right "the best looking women in the room were men!" Some were better looking than all of us put together!
I have felt for years I had very little in common with my "drag queen" sisters.  However, as I sat between a "real" female and a few wonderful copies, the realization of how similar and different I am started to set in.
I dislike dealing in assumptions but I assume most queens are gay and I don't identify gay.  I assume most of the real women I know have a different outlook on the world as me.
Strangely the more I felt apart from the two sides, I began to feel a kinship.
We really are all sisters of the cloth. Women, transgendered or gay queen...we all feel a certain amount of discrimination from society. We all feel a deeper emotional attachment about how we appear to society. Some would argue we all are the emotional beings in our society.
As we sat and watched one of the black performers in a beautiful flowing gown and a stunning matching hat; we thought of how the performer must have felt growing up around older black women and their hats. We took it a step further and spoke of the influence both of us obviously felt from the women around us as we were growing up. The more we are different, the more we are the same it seems.
Like it or not, more and more of us are proudly or tentatively out in the world. As I walked though the restaurant with my friend before the show, sure we got some looks. Hers were complimentary (she more gorgeous than she knows) and mine more quizzical. (I will have another post on a real educational weekend experience!)
I have accepted the fact I am an educator. A"Chaz Bono" on a tiny scale.  The performers that night were educators too. I'm sure my friend wasn't the only "first timer" in the room watching men becoming women.
Life is truly a circle. From the queens entertaining as beautiful females to the female beside me entranced with the whole experience, I was firmly in the middle. I did feel a real attraction to both. More attraction than I feel to the "dueling" transgender camps. I know it is human nature to quarrel and nit pick over the smallest things. 
When mere labels and the such occupy so much of our time it is time to step back and look at ourselves as a group.
Who cares if  "Virgina Prince did coin the transgender term first? REALLY?
 If we all go down that road aren't we losing the essence of a nurturing accepting true woman?
Maybe we all need to spend a night out together.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

She's Baaack! My Little Transgendered World Was Busy!

Wow! It seems like I've been gone for months. During  my short absence, life hasn't been too exotic.   Transgender or not however, it never was boring!
This weekend was no exception and it all started on Friday night. 
 I have two dear friends who are long haul truckers and literally about every four months or so they will swing back through the area.  They made a home stop and called and asked if I could come over to dinner. In addition to the pleasure of seeing them again, the thought of a home cooked dinner was very appealing!
(Yes, I do know how to cook and was told more than once "I would make someone a good wife someday". If they only knew!!!)
When I got home from work and changed genders, I was really looking forward to the evening and BAM! A flat tire. Not a small one that could fixed with a "fix it flat" can.  A nuclear explosion had taken place in one of my tires.
Well I had a couple of problems.  First and foremost, I can blame my guy self for not finding another spare when the first one got stolen. You are right. No spare.
Number two, I wasn't quite dressed for changing a tire in the dark  I'm not a "girly girl" but again I wasn't dressed to "wrestle" a tire.
The silver lining to all of this is? I was close enough fill the tire with "purchased air" from a gas station and get to their house.
I was agitated of course. I do have a membership to a certain large car club which gets me a free tow. BUT my experiences with tow truck drivers have ranged from great to the greatest degradation I have experienced ever!
Here is the most wonderful part of the whole experience. Not only did my friends feed me, they let me borrow their vehicle to get back and forth to home to get a new tire in the morning. Plus cooked me breakfast! Wow! So nice!
I gave them the blog address and hopefully where ever you two are in the country right now, you can read my public thank you! You are the best!
More on the weekend is coming up! Stay tuned to the same "trans" channel.















**Any posts I write in the blog are about my life as Cysrti. While it is true I think more and more as Cyrsti internally. I still do have a male life. When he enters the scene, I will tell you! Otherwise I am interacting with the world as her.
Something else I don't particuarlly like is pointing out all the genders and sexual preferences of many of the people I interact with but feel it is neccessary . I feel if I don't , much of what I'm trying to write will lose some of it's mening.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A Transgender Girl's Fantasy Evening!

I couldn't make up this idea if I tried. This time of year of course is the time to shine for most all transgendered girls. Transgender or transvestite or what ever label you want to put on yourself and Halloween are closely connected in my part of the world.
Most of us have some sort of story or two about how we met the world crossdressed in female clothes for the first time.
I have my stories too of course and have plenty of time to relate them to you before Halloween arrives this year on October 31st.
Yesterday a very close friend invited me to an event which is and isn't Halloween in the strictest sense. My friend is a "Wiccan" witch and the event is a "Witches Ball"! She is also is a cis-female.
Actually the ball is a couple weeks before Halloween and does have a costumed theme and I will not even try to connect any dots between the "Wiccans" and Halloween.
I will connect the dots between a chance for both of us to dress up in sexy fun costumes with others!
Of course I immediately thought of something extremely short  with fishnets. It turns out she has some other ideas! We are close to same size so she wants to open her closet and have some fun AND has a real fondness for long hair. I was already on some other planet when she told me of her wig collection of several long exotic wigs. I was thinking this was one of the best dreams I have ever had and I didn't want to wake up.  I didn't have to wake up. I already was! I have a real adversion to pain so I didn't want to pinch myself!!!!
So now the date of the ball (middle of October) seems to be years away.
As the time grows nearer, I will certainly have more information and maybe a picture or two!

Monday, September 12, 2011

"Horror" Scope is Here! OMG

Libra (September 23- October 22)
Confidence will get you everywhere now, so don’t be scared to show off for your honey. After all, what they need from you now is a show of support and a solid one, which means no more acting on the defensive, but on the offense. Take charge and be in control. Even if you don’t know what you actually mean, as long as you sound strong, they will believe too.
From the Frisky!
My "honey" knows how true this is! OMG

Gobbley Gook?

Maybe I'm too simplistic. I just know what I feel as a human. When I'm a girl I just feel better.
I (and we) deal with labels our entire lives. We are "jocks" or "intellectuals" and "pretty" or "plain". I won't insult you with more.
I've gone through my entire life attempting to eradicate or accept my gender status. How ironic at a time in my life when I have accepted my life as a girl a group of "gender nazi's" are going nuts on labels in our community.
Here's an example from "En Gender"
natasha_
My comment on Julia’s blog:
I think what you’re missing here are the issues surrounding appropriation by crossdressers of a transgender narrative, as that, in my view, is at the center of the calls for separatism.
As a transsexual woman, I’ve been told point blank by crossdressers that I am male, and that I should “stop being so foolish” in insisting that I’m female. This comes about because these people are projecting their experiences and identity on me – they dress as women but identify as male, so they assume that I’m the same.
Incidentally, this sort of thing happens right after they’ve done the “oh my god, you’re so beautiful” thing and hit on me, and I’ve rejected their advances.
So take an attitude that says that transsexual women are really awesome full time crossdressers, add in better societal tolerance of transsexual women than of crossdressing men, throw in an umbrella term like transgender, and you’ve got your instant umbrella.

OK, I know every community needs their intellectual snobs.
Please be aware I'm not debating the pro's or con's of what she wrote and you have to follow the link to read the entire post.
I'm sad she had to say it at all.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A "Liberating" Week?

Ah! Such a week!
Following my first "Doc" appointment, I went through a serious introspective journey.
I never had any doubts about embarking on the hormone journey and tracing the path to this part of my life became important again.
I'm sure all the questions the Doc asked triggered all of this.
Interestingly, I felt a strange sort of liberation even to the point of not carrying a purse  a couple times. (Wow) I simply carried a small amount of cash and an ID in my pockets and headed out the door. I see many women who don't carry a purse and wanted to see how it was!
Well, I have to tell you I love purses and couldn't live without one for any long term serious trips. What would I do without the essentials of a purse? Makeup, change, money and discount cards and more...really? No purse?
I do however have to tell you it is great fun to stroll along with the shoulders back and the chest out without a care in the world.
So I guess session one of "unloading" on the Doc did liberate me to an extent. Some of you older readers may expect me to burn my bra's next? Well, I have gone bra less on a couple occasions but no purse and no bra is too liberating!
Certainly, the liberation won't last long as session number two is only a week and a half away,
Already I'm wondering what she will ask and of course what I will wear.
I can be such the "girly girl" or a very casual one and both are me. 
Is it a woman's prerogative to change her mind a thousand times? We will find out! Now that's liberation!

A True Super Gendered Model



With her flawless skin and versatile look, it is little surprise that Michalina Manios is a favourite to win Poland's Next Top Model.
But the 22-year-old stunned viewers last night when she revealed to judges that she was born a hermaphrodite.
She explained that she had both male and female genitalia at birth, but was officially considered male until four years ago because doctors had initially assumed she was a boy. Follow the link to the story from the "Daily Mail" below.
Michalina Manios

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2035608/Polands-Next-Top-Model-favourite-tells-born-hermaphrodite.html#ixzz1XcvC8XCp

Since we are on the subject of  transgendered models, another look at "Lea T" is never disappointing!


Friday, September 9, 2011

She Was A "Bee-atch" Before She Became One!

This is a great quote I wanted to pass along from a friend of mine.
We were discussing the effect of female hormones on men and women.By the way she was born female and had a particuarlly tough time in her late teens and early 20's with hormonal mood swings.
She was very concerned about their effects on me and was I prepared for the worst which was something like she went through.(I am.)
The conversation went on and I did mention a couple sisters who aren't seeming to fare so well in their chosen female gender. Both just don't seem to be nice people and at the least perfected one female trait very well.  They are mean bitches!
She went to the obvious and said "Well you know, they could have been bitches before they became one!".
Love it!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Rant Part Two

Hi all!
Just a little clarification of the "we don't dispense" hormones here statement.
I'm really don't think any of this is over. The whole story is just beginning.
First and foremost, I have to get the approval letter.
When and if that happens, then I can make the decision to attempt to open some doors that should not be closed to us!
We shall see!!!!!
cyrsti

The Visit, Part II

I'm splitting these posts into a couple parts on purpose. Sure I been known to be a tease on occasion but this isn't one!!!!
Doesn't take a genius to figure out "shrinks" are just listeners and this visit wasn't my first rodeo with one.
The first question was easy enough. When did all this happen?
I said "in a thousand words or less"? About this time I thought we both had no idea where this session would go so I started at the beginning.
My story is no different than most of yours. At the age of ten or so I started to raid my Mom's clothes and the rest is history.
The only "non surprise" she dropped on me was that this VA doesn't prescribe female hormones. (Only the ones on the "coasts") She could however write me a letter and recommend me to a  private Doc who could.
Well I do believe she has not read the latest VA updates on transgender treatment.  Even if she (or whoever dictates the policy here) knows the policy hasn't really changed; why can a vet on the coast receive hormone treatment and I can't????
I am going to leave that rant alone with all of you and her for the time being.
She wants a couple more meetings before she writes a letter on my behalf and certainly I want that.
Also, I have this deep down impression that I am educating them (VA) about our lifestyle.  In fact, she used the word brave with me. I know she meant it as a compliment but there is no brave with me. I am resolved to live my life the way I choose. I will explain the difference in our next session!
Meeting two is in a couple weeks and I feel it will be much more informative than the first on both ends.
The best part is she is nice and caring and is a she. Sharing all of this with a man could and would be more difficult for me.
OK let me give you the best question and answer of the session. "What's the rest of your day like?" (to me)
My answer was "Shopping!" She laughed and agreed. I followed up with "In many ways I'm just like any girl". Point made.
Perhaps I will think of more of the mundane questions of the session and I will certainly pass them along!

Step Number One!

I used my female prerogative and changed clothes a couple time before my visited to the "hormone doc" at the VA.
The day was overcast, rainy and chilly. Jeans, flats light sweater and jacket worked well. My goal was to be feminine without going too far.  I did not want to look as if I was trying too hard.
I arrived at the VA facility early and had a chance to sit and get really scared before I started the rather lengthy trip to her office.
The parking lot was a good chance to catch my breath and gather my thoughts.
The lobby of course was packed with older vets and while I did get a few looks. I walked right through, past the info area and up to the elevators. Fortunately, I ended up alone on the elevator but the trip to the seventh floor still seemed like an eternity.
The doors opened into a large hallway and amazingly I was able to follow signs to the area of the facility she was located.  The receptionist had nearly no reaction and simply said have a seat. I took a seat by the magazine table and grabbed one of the women's magazine, crossed my legs and waited.
The VA treats us in the metal health area which does make sense (as much as I resent it) since the psych docs who to have approve us work in the same area. I had a chance to watch quite a few different individuals who paid me no mind at all.
Finally my psychologist came and called me by my last name only and we took off for her office. She seemed very nice as we sat down in her office crossed our legs and got started....

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

It's Time!

The dawn will bring a major new possibility to my life. 
I have my first appointment with a doc concerning hormone therapy.
I have and will continue to discuss with you all the ramifications.
My major stress concerning our first meeting was deciding to attend as as man or a woman. I seriously have no anxiety of presenting all of my true self to the "Doc" from day one. In fact I want to.
The problem to me seemed to be wondering through a very good sized VA hospital complex. Of course there is going to be a showing of my very male ID.
All of you know this is not my first rodeo. From my everyday "girl" time to going to an NFL game, the world is not a stranger to me.
So why now?
I'm sooo fortunate to have a dear friend who made immediate sense of the situation.
She said go as the person I really want to be. If I really don't want to be Cyrsti then don't go as her and explain why I am considering hormones.
If I want to go forward and continue to push my male life away, then go and be proud of myself. Even her 8th grade son agreed!
How wonderful was her insight!!!!! Almost as if I was missing the forest for the trees.
I could toss you a rationalization I was being influenced by years in the closet.
Finally, she went on to say my male self was just a convenient crutch which was just weakening. 
It does seem tomorrow is the time to toss the crutch out!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A Great BIG OMG!

Thanks for all of you who have helped push the blog over the 100,000 hit mark!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my little on line "diary" would make it to this landmark.
I do know in the vast universe enabled by "Al Gores" Internet, 100 grand is barley a start.
To me however, it is wildly exciting and I thank you all again!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Is Lady Gaga Really Mister Gaga and Should We Care?

I've eavesdropped on several recent conversations in my world concerning the real sex of "Lady Gaga". Possibly by now you have heard of "Gaga's" latest "male invasion" during the "MTV Music Awards" late last month.
One account had her male ego "Jo Calderone" using the men's room through out the day.
"Lady Gaga as Jo Calderone or Jo is Gaga?
Certainly Gaga's support of several transgender causes is commendable. On the other hand,. some of her antics are a little "Jerry Springerish" and self serving.
I won't even begin to speculate on Gaga's true gender.
I do however have a healthy curiosity. Is Gaga really a guy who transforms into an exotic female star or a female star who can transform herself into a realistic guy?
Or should I care at all?

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Seems Like An Eternity!

It is Labor Day Weekend in my part of the world. Even though I was on vacation, I celebrated the holiday by working very hard.
The fun part was that I had the chance to work with my family which was great. The hard part was it was in an intense male environment. 
In three days I visit the "doc" to discuss hormones.
I must say the entire male experience which forced me to come in "recontact" with people from my male past did not entice me at the least to rethink my thoughts about hormones.
In fact it reinforced my will to move forward.
The event we all worked so hard to do well in only happens once a year. As everyone was saying their farewells and discussing next year's event...  I had to consider how will I be accepted next year as I move forward with some major gender changes.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Too Late To Enter?


The 7th annual Miss International Queen™ pageant is scheduled to be held in the beautiful city of Pattaya, Thailand on October 31st - November 4th, 2011.
Striving to advance and support today’s transgender/transsexual, Miss International Queen™ Pageant offers great opportunities for transgender/transsexual from all over the world to present their individual beauty and intelligence in a friendly atmosphere.
The pageant is limited to the first 25 qualified entries. Applications are accepted and considered from persons between 18-36 years old.
Miss International Queen™ Pageant is produced and organized by Tiffany’s Show Pattaya Co., Ltd., the world’s largest transvestite/transgender cabaret show and supported by Tourism Authority of Thailand.







Just Kidding! Go to the site to see why I and 90% of the real women in the world aren't in their league!

What A Great Idea!

This idea was passed along to "Stana's" wonderful "Femulate" blog.
It's from an Irish guy by the name of Dan. Dan has a blog where he lists all these things he wants to do for the first time. One of which is he wanted to spend a day as a woman.
Dan turned out to make a very attractive girl and went out on the town with sisters.He said he had great fun introducing himself to friends to see if they recognized him.
What a great idea to come out to your friends Dan! I'm so jealous I didn't think of it!
Of course Dan had never worn a dress before (wink, wink) and relied on his guy friends and the Internet for instructions on creating cleavage and the like. Women then appeared to put the finishing touches on his make up.
To think of all those years I struggled for ideas to get out in public as a girl! Of course there was Halloween but my schools never had any of the "womanless beauty pageants or weddings" that were and are so popular in the South.
Good job Dan on your first and only trip out as a "convincing" woman (his words). Right Dan!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Trans Star Rising?

Every once in a while it seems transgendered lives are spotlighted in a "normal" informational format.
Recently "Chaz Bono" made history as the first transgendered contestant on "Dancing With The Stars" Chaz has been a remarkable role model for the transgendered community
Yet another program was shown last night (Wednesday, August 31st) on ABC's "Nightline Primetime".
Nightline aired an extensive, five-part examination of the issues facing transgender people.
From 10 year Jack (upper left) to pop star transsexual "Kim Petras" the show presented an intelligent look at the trials facing our culture.
If you haven't seen it, I'm sure there will numerous places to view it on line. Of particular interest to me was the story of Jack/Jackie who happens to from a rural Ohio town. (I too live in Ohio)
I believe there is still a lot to be said for the values of "Middle America". If Jackie is any indication, we are on the road to a better future as transgendered individuals!
What really impressed me was the resolve of a couple of the parents... Just courageous and amazing!