Cis Gender Dysphoria

Every now and then we transgender women and trans men suffer from tunnel vision in our daily approaches to life. By the way, "cis gender" to me means a person born female or male. For the sake of simplicity, I know these binary birth terms do not apply to everyone.

Last night, I was listening to a cis feminine singer talk about how she worries about how she looks and it interferes with her life. To the point of her questioning the whole cult of beauty. I immediately thought I feel the same way...only worse.

Years ago, when I was first considering making the jump from cross dresser to trans woman, I was told several times by my cis woman friends, "Welcome to our world!." As I saw it then and now, women live in a much more complex world than men.

After all, all women (cis or transgender) worry to some degree about their appearance. Outside of the Walmart queens, the typical woman has some sort of problem with her breasts, hair, legs or other parts of her anatomy. Let alone make up, skin and just what is the proper outfit to wear?

I guess being part of "their world" means accepting a larger share of gender dysphoria.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

As we make the journey out of the closet, often our only friend (or enemy) is our mirror. Alas, though, the mirror tells us only what we want to hear. Again, good or bad. Most of the time, we don't look as good as we think we do...or as bad. We also don't realize the feminizing experience for the novice cross dresser or transgender woman is a trip full of more trial than error. The great majority of us don't have guidance on what is potentially our best, most flattering, style choices. Many end up as the 40 year old mall cross dressers in mini skirts and heels. Before we learn better styles.

The only way to get out of the mirror is to forge our way into the world. Which is easier said than done. Here is Connie's example:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEENovember 29, 2018 at 9:29 AM

"Again, we can only truly see ourselves when we see our reflection in the eyes of others. We first venture out, away from the reflection given by the mirror in our own homes, to be seen. Still, that is not enough, as we are only displaying ourselves as that same image we saw in the mirror. Exposing ourselves to others as more than that two-dimensional reflection finally allows us to see our full selves through other people. This is as true for our gender as it is for anything else about us."

Thanks! A great point to be sure. What happened to me was, the more I got out, the more I grew into my own feminine personality and away from just the outwardly appearance. 

From that point I learned I wanted to pursue my life on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) as a transgender woman.

Get Out of the Closet!

At Monday's transgender - cross dresser meeting, it occurred to me my coming out process was once again backwards when compared to so many others.

During the meeting, I normally have the chance to sit back and consider everyone else's experience and relate it to mine.

After my wife passed away, it left the door wide open to basically fully explore my life as a woman and I totally took advantage of it. Nearly every spare moment was used to go out cross dressed and see if my feminine dreams could become a reality. Then, I met two close cis female lesbian friends who refused to even acknowledge any maleness in me. They kept pushing me to never look back, in many unspoken ways. For example, I was always an invitee to anything from lesbian mixers to football games.

Then, came along my partner Liz who I just happened to meet on an online dating site.  As most of you already remember, Liz is also a lesbian identifying cis female. Even more than the other two women, she refused and still refuses to see any maleness in me at all. This even was back in the days before I started HRT hormones and was still wearing wigs. In fact, she was with me the New Years Eve when I took my first dosage.

Of course now, I wonder what took me so long to accept the inevitable, deep down inside the girl within me was finally going to get a chance to live her life.

It just took others to really see her. 

Snowy, Windy Monday in Trans Land

After a fairly decent day Sunday, which saw temperatures rising to near 60, this morning, winter reality set back in. We have a wintry mix of rain and snow blasted by up to 40 mile per hour winds.

So, due to the conditions, I rescheduled my hour and half one way trip to my endocrinologist. I have enough estrogen patches to get me by, I should be fine.

Tonight though, is one of the bi-monthly meetings of the transgender-cross dresser support groups I attend.

I like to go among, other reasons,  because I normally find some sort of blog material to write about. Although I don't mean that negatively. I have found a few decent acquaintances there.

Tomorrow,  the weather is supposed to be just cold and sunny, so I should be able to just bundle up and make both of m appointments. One with my therapist and one with my psychiatrist.

Busy Weekend

First of all, I hope all of you who happened to travel for Thanksgiving this weekend, a safe journey to and from your destination.

We stayed close to home as I wrote about before and enjoyed a real decadent feast, which I gave blessings for. Knowing full well, so many others aren't so fortunate. For once, Liz's often standoffish brother was even semi nice to me.

Friday night we met up with some old friends we hadn't seen forever. Ironically (or maybe not so much so) I spent most of my time talking girl talk with two of the youngest women at the table...both millennial. It all was very satisfying and pleasant.

Yesterday (Saturday) was football day with The Ohio State Buckeyes crushing their arch rivals, who I can't mention by name, despite being under dogs in their own stadium. Due to a serious brain cyst, I still believe the team's famous coach will retire this year. But I digress.

Saturday night we were invited to go back to an oft visited up-scale Italian restaurant we go to. I wore a cream colored sweater (which I promptly spattered with sauce) with my long black embroidered skirt with flats. Surprisingly, the lead cross dresser who normally comes dressed, this time came as his male self and was less obnoxious. I don't know why the female attire makes him try so hard for social acceptance. Maybe it is because  he feels more secure when he has his male privilege.

Coming up this week on Monday and Tuesday, it's time for my endocrinologist appointment to see if maybe I can increase my estrogen dosage a little bit.

Finally, Tuesday I have an appointment with my therapist and the psychiatrist who fills all my other meds. So it's starting off to be a busy week!

Bucket List Friday

Well, it's the most anticipated shopping day of the year...Black Friday.

"Back in the day" when I had a cross dressing feminine bucket list, one of the items on my list was to brave the crowds as a woman on Black Friday.

After many years of watching my wife head out with several of her girl pals to shop, I finally got my chance to go out when she got a new job in retail and I was left unattended.

When the much awaited day finally made it, I bundled myself in my best fuzzy sweater and tight jeans with boots then headed to the closest/biggest mall.

I don't know what my expectations were but I might as well have been a gorilla in a dress for all the attention I didn't get. Everyone was moving fast and in their own world and predictably, mostly women. I did manage to get into a few stores and shop for a couple of small Christmas items for my wife.

All too soon, the morning was over meaning I had to head home and be back to my old boring male self before my wife finished work and came home. Time has eroded my memory and I don't quite remember what excuse I told my wife how I spent the day. Chances are, with my restaurant job, I had to be at work around three.

Some items on a bucket list are harder to accomplish than others. 

Thanksgiving

It's a day to overfeed myself, watch football and enjoy the company of my adopted family. Of course I have a standing invitation to my daughters. So I have an embarrassment of riches to be thankful for.

As I always write though, I am well aware so many of us under the transgender and LGBT umbrella don't have the benefit of joining their original families for the holidays.

Hopefully, most will have found some sort of support in their local LGBT local organizations, Not the same, to be sure but every little bit helps!

However this Thanksgiving finds you, I hope you are healthy and well fed.

Bunny Transgender Support

Forgive the use of the "transgendered" word in this cartoon...but it is old. Like me!

Thanks to Bobbie for sending it in.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Here in Cincinnati, Ohio we are having two events to mark Transgender Day of Remembrance and the Trans Day of Visibility today.

As I have written many times here in Cyrsti's Condo, many of us can help each vigil along. Often in small ways from deep within our own closets. An example would simply to vote against the local and national bigoted candidates clogging the political system.

These days too, are a good time to remember all the trans women who have been murdered, for just trying to live as their authentic selves. From the top down in this country, people are trying to erase our very existence. It's always a good time to think about being careful.

But, proud and visible we are! The transgender tribe is getting stronger and stronger all the time. Even the younger generation is becoming more and more gender blind and accepting. Plus, finally, we are becoming a vibrant "T" in the LGBT coalition..

There is still a ton of work to do and we all must stay vigilant of those seeking to take our rights away or worse yet, even harm us. 

Now is a good time to pause for a second and remember all those we have lost and remember all the work yet to be done.

I'm Not Complaining

As we enter this holiday season, I know it is always a very sad time for many in the LGBT community. Although, at least where I live, there are several LGBT groups who host holiday "potlucks" where you are asked to bring a side dish. So at the least everyone has some place to go.

That is why I am writing this.  During my last post I was whining about the amount of cleaning we had to do for an approaching Thanksgiving dinner.  When I began to think about it, I started to realize what a blessing it was to be able to participate in a holiday family get together at all.

In my own family, I remain close to a very accepting daughter but I am equally far apart from my brother.

I know being totally accepted by an outside family is extremely rare and I am happy to participate. Plus, it is easy to take for granted having the money to go out and buy all the needed provisions to be able to be able to put on a holiday feast.

So a little bit of cleaning won't hurt me!

Sunday Thanksgiving March

I know it is the Sunday before Thanksgiving but already,we are staring major procrastinated cleaning projects around the house.

Yesterday was almost a wasted day for cleaning because of a trip to the store, karate practice for Liz and yet another heart stopping win by The Ohio State Buckeyes.

To keep it simple (stupid), I started the day in a pair of my leggings, thigh high boots and a nice sweater. Then, as the day progressed, I just down graded into a more comfortable older sweater. One fun part of the day was when I had a chance to search through some of Liz's older clothes she can't wear anymore because of her dynamic one hundred pound plus weight loss. I think I found a couple of nice outfits. One in particular is a silk like deep purple and blue top paired with a pair of silky black pants. It makes a very dressy outfit which perhaps I can wear to the transgender - cross dresser support group Christmas party we are planning to go to. Or even Liz's semi formal dinner we attend every year.

Well, now it is back to cleaning! Hope you all are doing well.

Winter is Here

Somehow, the fall of 2018 never really happened around here. As it turned out, no one bothered to tell the trees and our recent ice storm brought down many of them due to extra weight. Fortunately, I didn't have anywhere in particular to go yesterday, so I could stay snuggled in, in my warm "jammies."

Of course we had snow after the ice and I went the extra mile to pull out an extra warm sweater or two out of my wardrobe to wear this weekend. Again, I am fortunate in that my partner Liz is quite the knitter so I have plenty of warm scarves and even a pair of wrist warmers which I wore on my walk this morning.

Next week, as we approach Thanksgiving, we are having two events Tuesday here in Cincinnati marking Transgender Awareness and the Transgender Day of Remembrance. I should be able to blog more about them later.

I know for sure we have a meeting to go to tomorrow and for now Saturday night looks to be clear, unless we get any last minute invitations.

It is certain, my leggings, boots and sweaters will get a workout.

More Gender Dysphoria

Several days ago I wrote a post on Gender Dysphoria here in Cyrsti's Condo. Basically on the debilitating effects it has on many of us. Transgender or gender fluid. As with all of my posts, I value other thoughts. Connie has this one:

 FABULOUSCONNIEDEENovember 12, 2018 at 3:44 PM

"I've said it before, and it still holds true, I doubt I will ever live through a day without having some reminder that I am a trans woman. Even if I were to have nothing but positive experiences with the outside world, I will always have some degree of internalized transphobia.

Due to a couple of bad discs in my neck, I have lost the ability to do some things with my hands and arms. I have learned to compensate in order to do many of the ordinary things in my life, but I no longer can do the work that I used to do for financial security, nor can I play the drums at a professional level (something I attribute to having been my saving grace in dealing with my gender dysphoria over most of my years). My atrophied right arm and numb left hand are constant reminders of what I can't do anymore. I try to be positive, concentrating on doing other things that I still can, but it's difficult to maintain when I can't even eat a whole bowl of soup without getting fatigued and having the last spoonfuls drip more down my chin than making it into my mouth. It's not only frustrating, but very unladylike!

I don't think I had any more of a choice to transition as I did to develop my physical problems. Interestingly, they both started at about the same time, and learning to go through my life positively in spite of each of them has been a struggle. Nevertheless, I cannot allow myself to see either as a disability - even if there are others who would.

I think that getting used to whatever limitations we may have is certainly better than living in fear and despair, but we should never settle for giving in to them. I may realize that I can't pass as a woman any better than I can now pass a football, but I also know that I don't have to be defined by those things, either.

We shouldn't put so much pressure on ourselves. Doing so only robs ourselves, and any others who may care, of who we really are. "

Thanks!

Feminizing Medications

The last time I went to my therapist, she gave me an article which contained guidelines for the changes you can expect overtime when you decide to take hormones designed to feminize your appearance. They come from a group of Western New York organizations. Including the Gay and Lesbian Medical Alliance, the National Center for Trans Equality and others.

Here are the recommendations for feminizing HRT:

Breast growth - 3 to 6 months
Body fat redistribution - 3 to 6 months
Thinning of body hair - 6 to 12 months

Softening of skin/less oily - 3 to 6 months
Decreased testicular volume - 3-6 months

I would add from my own results, quite a bit of change is determined by how much your dosage is when you start. For example, nearly all of my first year on hormones was at a minimum and then a year later I was taken off my meds totally due to a medical problem. So. all together I have been on HRT for nearly five years. I would also add (for me) my hair growth (on my head) took off and finally after all these years I am starting to see fat distribution to my hips.

Of course emotionally, I began to feel the feminizing effects immediately. I cried more in the first three months or so than I had in my entire life. Finally, I learned how cis women deal with their thermostats. When they say they are cold, believe me, I found out they are and then again there were the vicious hot flashes one can go through.

When I talk about transgender women and HRT though, I always tell you all this disclaimer: Please seek medical attention before you undertake this process.

Additional information from where I received mine (including masculiniizing medications) can be obtained by going here: www.gayalliance.org.

Finally, remember too, HRT is no replacement for the woman you feel in your head. It's only a tool to align yourself, if you can safely do it medically.

Victory March?

At last night's transgender - cross dresser support group meeting, it occurred to me how long and drawn out process the journey is to cross the gender frontier and live with your gender dysphoria.

Last night, the full range of people were there. We had everyone from a total beginner to gender fluid individuals to full time trans women and a trans man.

As the beginner struggled with his/hers emotions and talked to the group, I remembered back to my ancient transvestite days when I first came out to a small group of friends. Rightfully so, it seems like it was long ago.

As most of you Cyrsti Condo regulars know, my journey includes several suicide attempts. One active and a couple passive ones. That is why I consider my path a victory march

I can't ever tell you it gets a whole lot easier but then again, life becomes so much more satisfying. A victory to be sure.

Gender Dysphoria

Saturday Liz and I went out to eat with her brother to celebrate two birthdays...hers and her son's. The steakhouse we went to is very familiar to me and really, I have never had any problems there. So, I couldn't understand why my dysphoria was giving me fits. It can only be described as a deep seated groundless anxiety.

Of course, it started to settle down as once again, outside of a couple looks, I didn't receive any negative attention. Even when I used the women's restroom.

I suppose I might as well just get used to it. Being transgender brings with it the inherent need for feminine acceptance and often, the acceptance is very hard to find in a world out to justify it's own acceptance.

On many occasions, I refer to my dysphoria as a form of PTSD. Which could be true too. I personally have never met any trans women who haven't experienced it. Some to the extent of subjecting themselves to seemingly endless painful medical operations.

I just went through too much error, in the "trial and error" cross dressing period of my life and, when you think of it, lasted much longer (so far) than my full time out and about years as a trans woman.

It's ironic too that I haven't experienced any significant public problems in years, so I can't justify the way I feel. At all. Perhaps I might as well just get used to it!

Veterans Day

As I sit here on a cold Sunday morning snuggled in...my mind travels back to my own military experience.

Then, I thought of all of those who came before me and especially all the men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice.

Plus we all know the disproportionate amount of transgender troops who took their closeted secret all the way to the grave.

To all of you who served,  or are serving now, you have my thanks!

Her Cup Runneth Over

Connie wrote in and commented on my very rusty bucket list. Before we get to her comment though, I have a short experience to relay from last night.

It was Liz's birthday yesterday and since my baking skills are lacking, I stopped and bought us a couple pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream to celebrate. Without the candles...quite a few in her case! :)

When I went to cash out, at the Walgreens, a young man rushed up to take my cash/card. As I was fumbling around for my card, I looked up and found him staring me right in the eye. As he did, he became really enthused to wait on me. Chance are he was entranced with meeting a real live transgender woman. Or better yet, he was a novice cross dresser himself.

Now onto Connie and her rusty bucket:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEENovember 8, 2018 at 12:39 PM

"Who needs a bucket when, already, her cup runneth over?

I used to look at life as a long "To Do" list. I was prolific in my list-making, too. In fact, in my procrastinating way, I would spend as much time making lists as I did doing the things on the lists.

A list is all well and good, but it's how we prioritize that is important. The love of family and friends should be at the top of the list, and it's amazing how so many of the other things just fall into place when one does that.

A bucket list contains those things one wants to do or experience before death. At my age, many of the things that I never got around to doing or experiencing can no longer be accomplished. I never had listed regrets, and I'm not about to put them on my list now.

One of my favorite songs is "Nature Boy.":

The greatest thing,
You will ever learn,
Is just to love,
And be loved in return. "

Awwwh!  So nice :) 

A Group Hug

Last night was a social group meeting which Liz and I attend on a regular basis.

A cis woman from Germany I have become friends with was there and we had a nice chat. Mainly, we talk about our travel adventures but last night she asked if I had a bucket list.

I paused and said travel wise, the only place I would like to visit was Nepal. I had a chance when I was in the Army years ago and didn't do it. Thinking I had a long life ahead and would have plenty of time to do it. So much for "forward" thinking...right?

Then I changed the subject and said in addition to traveling around the world compliments of Uncle Sam, I don't have much of a bucket list. After all, I managed to graduate from college and even get chosen for American Forces Radio and Television. Plus, my daughter has turned out three wonderful grand kids and is a quality person.

I used to have a trans list before I went on HRT and began living full time as a transgender woman, but by now, there hasn't been much I haven't done.

I told my friend though, she and the group were on my bucket list. I always just wanted to be accepted as my true self and I had made it. I added how wonderful it was, all of them take it for granted and I never have. They just will never understand what they have done for me.

My bucket list must have a big hole!

There Was Good News

Depending upon where you live, there was good news which came out of this years' Mid-Term Elections.

Here in Ohio, predictably the backward rednecks in the state elected a governor firmly in the pockets of the big insurance and pharmacy companies but re-elected our incumbent Democratic senator. The senator who spoke via recording two years in a row to our Trans Ohio Symposium.

In Massachusetts though:

It became the first state to uphold protections for transgender and non-binary people at the ballot box by voting to preserve the state's anti-discrimination law.

Voters on Tuesday overwhelmingly approved the Question 3 ballot initiative to keep the current wording of the state’s anti-discrimination statute, according to news website MassLive. Official numbers have not yet been released.

And, in Vermont,  A candidate with Upstate New York roots made an unsuccessful run for the Vermont governor's seat Tuesday. Despite the loss, she made history as the first transgender candidate to be nominated by a major party for a gubernatorial race.

Democrat Christine Hallquist, 62, a Baldwinsville, N.Y., native, lost to Republican incumbent Phil Scott. In a race with seven candidates. Scott gathered 149,312 votes (54.56 percent), followed by Hallquist at 108,639 (39.70 percent)

I am sure too, I am missing a few historic victories in state races across the country. Overall, despite the current administration trying to erase us, we are still scoring historic gains.

Voting

Received several comments about voting from across the spectrum. Thanks to all who sent in comments including the illustrious "Yeah...Whatever" Pat Scales (I am surprised New York or any state doesn't require some sort of I.D to vote though.) Connie and others.

One thing is for sure, I won't miss all the dirty political ads on television.

Other than that, we have a busy day coming up. Liz has a couple of doctors appointments, I usually accompany her to, plus we have to go vote of course.

I am running so far behind, I haven't even figured out what I am going to wear!

VOTE!

Unless you live off the grid somewhere, or are a clueless millennial like Liz's 21 year old son, you already know tomorrow (Tuesday) is election day.

This actually will be my third election voting with my feminine drivers license. In Ohio where I live, you have to show a photo I.D. to vote. I still feel as if it is a big deal!

I don't have to lecture you on the importance of voting in this election! However, I did add this tag to my Facebook profile.

Enough said!

So Simple

Or, should I say, "Keep it simple stupid." Today when we made our weekly trip to run errands and stop at the grocery store, I basically just threw on a pair of leggings with a lightweight sweater/blouse. I completed my outfit with a quick cover of foundation, a little eye makeup and lipstick. I them brushed out my hair and was ready to go. I didn't feel particularly good or bad about the way I looked...just, I was set to blend in with most of the other cis-women I would encounter. As it turned out, I was right. Liz and I were called ladies twice and I was able to carry on quite a little conversation with our bagger at the grocery store.

The only reaction I received out of the ordinary was when I came around a corner at the grocery store and almost ran into a wide eyed teen aged boy looking straight at me. Who knows what the heck he thought?

Even still, positive feedback is always nice. As Connie said:

"Welcome to Womanhood! Most women go through those periods (I'm not referring to THOSE periods) of being unhappy in the appearance department. At least you had a new dress to wear last night!

Having lived on the other side of the gender spectrum for so many years, especially those as a husband, we should be aware of the importance of a woman needing confirmation of her looks from time to time. While I used to make the effort to give praise to my wife on her appearance often (though really not often enough), I do not get the same effort toward me and my appearance from her now. It can be tough, at times, to keep my confidence level up.

Some may get all they need from press-on nails, and some of us need to just keep pressing on (hoping to, every now and then, nail it). ;-)"

It's been a long time since anyone said "welcome to womanhood! Thanks!

Friday Night Lights...Continued

Well, not much exciting happened during our monthly outing to the venue which hosts karaoke. We had a nice supper and for once were early enough to sit with a couple we have been wanting to meet but never had a chance to. It turns out the husband identifies as a cross dresser, not transgender and is a working mechanic. He relies upon stick on nails to transform his nails for a night out. He looks good!

Other than that, many of the usual suspects were not there, including the obnoxious one who just loves my partner Liz. Can't say I missed her, another cross dresser. Every month, she seems to find something wrong to bitch about. One problem is the venue is a Mexican restaurant and she professes not to like Mexican food. So, I asked the obvious question, to my myself, why did she come at all?  Regardless of her personality, she must be very lonely. I did miss the question Liz always gets concerning when they were going Salsa dancing. If it ever happened, the place would have to have a great bar to keep my interest. While I appreciate the Salsa art form, unfortunately, I don't have the coordination to try.

As far as appearance went, it was one of those nights I wasn't really pleased with how I looked. Can't tell you why except my spectrum of how I think I look has started to swing back the other way. Oh well.

As far as the rest of the weekend goes, I hope you all have a great one!

Friday Night Lights

Tonight is the monthly karaoke night out for our cross dresser - transgender support group. These social night outs probably actually provide more support for novice members as the relatively boring sit down meetings. The reason is the social provides a safe space for a new person to pursue her feminine self. Also the monthly Friday night event is not held in a gay venue. It is interesting to note though how many of the participants get a little more edgy as the venue fills up the later it gets. I can understand where they are coming from.

I have a new dress to wear tonight. It's a relatively form fitting long green sleeved maxi dress. I just hope I didn't ruin what form I had with eating too much Halloween candy! I like the sensual feeling of my skin (no bra) so Liz gave me one of her lace vests to just give a sneak peek of the girls without being too trashy and maybe even cover up my "candy pouch." (belly)

One way or another, I expect to have a good time. For those of you who wonder if I sing, no I don't. That way, I can marvel at the great singers and maybe the bad ones too!

I am Just Dense

I don't know why I always revert back to a narcissistic outlook when I think about my public feminine perception. I suppose it goes back to all of my cross dresser days, when I was trying so hard to learn a feminine lifestyle.

After-all,  the face I see in the mirror every morning is basically the same, except for a few more wrinkles. The big changes are way behind me now under the influences of HRT. Over the years, it has really smoothed out my skin and decreased the angular look of my face. However, it has not decreased my beard growth. My age has given me a gray beard though, so it is easier to cover.

The only thing which changes is the amount of confidence I carry myself with. Now I am not so afraid to "lead" with my voice, instead of hoping my appearance would get me by. I mean, I am trying to speak to the other person first for a change.

My point is, I don't know why it has taken me so long on this transgender path to learn your attitude/confidence just could be one of your most important accessories. Every time it is pounded into my head, I seem to lose it.

Maybe this time, I won't.

FYI, Connie, the guy I mentioned in the last post may have had eye problems, but he wasn't waiting in line for an eye appointment! :) It's in another building.