Showing posts with label Joni Mitchell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joni Mitchell. Show all posts

Monday, April 15, 2024

You got it...Now Live with It!

 

From the Archives, Club Diversity. Columbus 
Ohio.

For some unknown reason, I have been remembering more and more what my gender therapist told me so long ago, she couldn't do anything concerning me wanting to be a woman. Now I don't remember if she told me I could not do anything about it either. 

If she did and had I listened, I would have saved myself so much inner torment over the years from my gender dysphoria. At the time my male self was not even close to being ready to give up any claims to his life which at the time was becoming relatively successful. After all, he had worked long and hard to arrive at the point where he was. 

If I wanted to blame anyone but myself for not accepting my true authentic self, I would blame my home environment. I grew up in a very male dominated family. My Dad had two competitive brothers and his competitive personality filtered through to my brother and I. It seemed no one had girls in the family and if they did, they were second class citizens. How I existed was by keeping my true feminine desires a deep dark secret. I learned early the very male trait of internalizing any negative thoughts or ideas. The whole concept turned out to be very self destructive over the span of my life which included the years of being a very serious cross dresser or transvestite. The whole process nearly took my life before I finally figured out I had it, now I needed to live with it. 

All I wanted was the impossible. Give me back just a fraction of the time and effort I had wasted by trying against all odds to maintain any sort of a male life. The cruel and unusual punishment came in when the more I achieved as a guy, made it more difficult to give it all up. I had a spouse, family, friends and good job to suddenly consider. What would my daughter think? Not to mention my wife and brother. All of a sudden I needed to draw a line in my gender sand and decide which route in life I was going to take. 

Everything changed for me the night I finally decided I had put enough exploration as my feminine self to make the ultimate leap over the gender border. Needless to say, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I had a chance to go back in life to a point where I was not so jaded by either gender and experience for myself what the future held for me. It was at this point friends jumped in and showed me the way I never thought possible. I found I had it all along. I was a transgender woman and now I had the rare opportunity to live with it. I discovered there was so much more I needed to learn when I entered the world as a trans woman. 

Plus it took a while for the overall excitement of transitioning into my dream life to wear off. Everything I did was new and different and even when I was not accepted, I learned from my mistakes and for a change, my inner stubborn streak served me well. I had it and now I was living with it. I guess if you are able to live long enough as I have, you have the opportunity to see life go full circle. I paid my dues as a guy and what he learned turned out to be beneficial in my new life as a woman.

Quoting the singer/songwriter Joni Mitchell song "Both Sides Now",  only when I was able to see the world from both sides of the binary genders, was I able to relax and enjoy my life. All along I had it and just missed out on the real possibilities of what I was missing. Living with being transgender was all that mattered.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

A Free Man in Paris

Way back in the mid 70's Canadian folk rock singer Joni Mitchell wrote and sang a song called Free Man in Paris on an album (yes vinyl!) called Court and Spark.
The song to me always seemed to be an anthem to escaping life's pressures-if only for a second and if only in your mind. Here's an excerpt:

"I was a free man in Paris I felt unfettered and alive Nobody was calling me up for favors No one's future to decide."
and a little more:

"I deal in dreamers and telephone screamers Lately I wonder what I do it for If I had my way I'd just walk through those doors And wander down the Champs-Élysées Going café to cabaret Thinking how I'd feel when I find That very good friend of mine"

I know you are wondering where the heck I'm going with this.

In my head today, I'm walking down my version of the Champs-Elysees because yesterday was so incredibly mentally intense. In fact I did take a brisk morning walk in thirty degree temps with my dog around a few personal landmarks in my home town such as the church I was brought up in and the neighboring building which housed the draft board where I was sent off to South East Asia. (not for SRS but it was free!)
The buildings were obviously so far from the Champs-Elysees (I've been once) but not so far from the point.

It probably was the strong cold wind which was making my eyes tear up and not the hormones as I thought of the events of the day before. You regulars here in Cyrsti's Condo know I'm a huge sports fan.  Yesterday was the 109th rematch of the great The Ohio State/Michigan football rivalry game. Easily I have watched at least 45 of them with my brother and 27 with my spouse who passed almost five years ago. (She was a huge OSU fan too.) Sure I was happy Ohio State won but of course I was a bit saddened of the male past I was beginning to leave behind in increasingly huge chunks.

Why? Because in about three hours I was meeting my daughter, son in law and his brother as Cyrsti for the first time and being told the three grand kids know and heading out to an Aid's Benefit Show with six of her soccer mom friends. (more on that in another post). Incredibly, the day ended with a bang as a car on my busy street went out of control and hit a parked vehicle. BOOM! (True story and a fitting close to the day.)

So today I'm in my own "Free Man in Paris" mode, pretty much emotionally shot but internally charged. I can only describe my mental and psychical state to one of those incredibly busy 12 hour restaurant shifts I used to work-emotionally spent but adrenalin sparked.

By tomorrow I certainly will have time to filter all of yesterday through and get back to my own version of normal! Finally. I would be remiss if I didn't mention Jessica from France who reads the blog and can wander up and down the streets of Paris.

Workplace Issues

Image from Gabrielle Henderson  on UnSplash. Sadly, many transgender women and trans men still get discriminated against when they seek out ...