The Light

Image from Junior
Ferriero on UnSplash

 
Sadly, most transgender women or trans men experience complete darkness in their gender closet before they are able to come out and explore the world.

Of course in the pre-internet period, gender information was very difficult to come by and it wasn't until pioneers such as Virginia Prince came around did printed material begin to surface on a regular basis. As well as the so called transvestite mixers which began to crop up in other areas except the East coast. For those of us in the Midwest and other places, finding and meeting other like minded cross dressers seemed to be the impossible dream. The light in the gender closet was dim to say the least. 

Perhaps the worst part of seeing the light was determining exactly what it was. Could it be a beneficial beginning to escaping the severe gender dysphoria I was facing, or was it merely the light of a train rolling uncontrollably towards me. At any point of time, discovery of my feminine desires could lead to severe consequences to the male life I had worked so hard to survive in. It took me years and even decades to figure out the light wasn't the train. Partly because of all the time I wasn't sure it wasn't the train.

Those were the dark days of my gender despair. The days of venturing out in the public's eye only to be laughed at and rejected which led to ill-advised "purges" of my feminine wardrobe. Somehow, deep down, I knew the "purge" would only last a few days and the fleeting freedom I felt wouldn't last. I was right and before long, my desire to rebuild a feminine wardrobe and wear it became strong again. This time I wanted to climb on board the train and ride it to a new found transgender freedom, away from my old male self.  Rather than the light at the end of the tunnel being a negative, I deeply wanted to turn it into a positive.

It was approximately this time of my life, in my thirties and early forties, when I met others whom I could identify with as far as my gender struggles went. I found I didn't have to drive far to Columbus, Ohio for small mixers with a diverse group of people ranging from cross dresser admirers all the way to transsexuals. All of the sudden, the light became a beacon on what my life could become if I worked on it hard enough. I found achieving my possible goal of living a feminine life meant so much more than just appearances. My second wife kept pounding on me to be more and I took a long time to realize what she was saying. Surviving as a trans woman would mean learning to live a new multi-layered life.

Even though I had made it a huge priority to study women all my life, I needed to use the light to take my studies to another level. Think of it this way, I was pursuing a new masters program in gender before I could put the male past behind me and move forward.

Finally I arrived at a point where my closet door had opened widely and my long hidden feminine self was able to take over. She was able to take over the light and enable it to be so much brighter.

Ode to Halloween

 

Halloween image from
the Jessie Hart Archive (Tom on
Left)

I have lived long enough to experience Halloween coming full circle.

Early in life I experienced the urge to wear a feminine costume but never had the courage to break out of my gender closet and do it. Plus I lived in such a small rural area, there weren't too many kids to go around and once you were pigeon holed into a certain category with your peer group you couldn't get out.  Examples included friends who were good or bad students as well as those who were always the outstanding athletes in the class. There was never any space for a stray boy who wanted to be a girl.

So I had a deeper reason never, ever express my feminine longings at all on Halloween. On top of all of that, I never saw any other boys who were dressed as girls. No cheerleaders, princesses or any of the stereotypes from the female world. The only time I can remember ever seeing a fellow male in drag or cross dressed was for selected festivals in high school. I was amazed at their male to female transformation. Plus I did hear the gossip concerning another guy in school I didn't really know who was dressed in his sister's clothes for his "costume" as the rumor went. I was so envious!

Once the years progressed and I naturally achieved more freedom to be my own person, I was able to pursue more courageous goals as far as Halloween went. I tentatively used the holiday to sneak out of my closet and explore. Could I dare make it in public as my feminine self. Very early I learned lessons I could take with me for years as I transitioned. I found if I dressed more conservatively at Halloween I indeed could have a chance to present well in the public's eye as a woman. As it turned out, all of this would be just the beginning of what I could learn on my ever rocky gender journey. 

Halloween made it possible for me to understand I could indeed live a life as my authentic feminine self. The only real problem came when I could only experience my terrifying yet exciting new life once a year. I was increasingly forced into the real world to learn my new gender lessons. All of which were made possible by Halloween.

Ironically, the more I learned from my initial experiences, the more I found the lessons would serve me well when I transitioned into a world ran primarily by women. If I could get other women to accept me, the better and easier I would have it. I also learned the hard way the process I would need to go through with men to attempt acceptance. Along the way, when I learned the better I presented at Halloween parties as a woman, the more of my male privileges were lost. Almost instantly, my old male friends began to leave me alone with the rest of the women. 

These days I have gone full circle with Halloween. It has served it's purpose of launching my journey down a path to be a full time transgender woman. So I don't have any need to go to any parties with elaborate costumes. I have done all of that and it is time to sit back and recognize Halloween for all the amazing experiences I was provided.

Forces of Nature

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 As we go through life as transgender women or trans men, we just have to develop a hard shell of sorts to get us by.

Sadly, we often have to resort to hiding and sneaking around our family's back to at the least keep our gender dysphoria issues at bay. At least in my case, even though I wasn't proud of it, I spent hours or even days trying to figure out how I could do my cross dressing. Even to the point I wish I could get back just a portion of the creative energy I expended on dressing like a girl. Obviously, it is way too late now to worry over expended energy as the entire process made me stronger.

Little did I know, I would need all of the strength I could summon to make it through my upcoming long and twisted gender journey. Along the way, I needed to survive all the unkind external forces I would end up facing. Before I grasped the importance of learning how to cross dress my male body to blend into the world. Possibly the biggest lesson I needed to learn was cis-women ran the world I wanted to be a part of. Without the women's help and approval, there would be no way I would be allowed to play in their sandbox, as I like to refer to it as. 

To be a force of nature, I needed to learn to be a gentle force. In other words I needed to play off my gender differences. I could never try to claim my womanhood the same way my friends did but I could claim my right to admittance to being a woman because I had always felt deep down I had always felt feminine. All the way to the point I had always been a student of everything feminine. I paid my own dues in so many ways to finally pave my path to my trans womanhood. One of the most amazing parts of my journey came when I was chosen to be a part of a photo shoot here in Cincinnati which featured all sorts of different kinds of women. 

Being a force of nature is often a burden also. On occasion I think people expect too much from transgender women or trans men. For the same reason we are feared in some circles these days, other people want to hate on us as a community. Mainly because they don't understand our lifestyle. It is especially evident to me when it comes to certain politicians I have recently seen. Primarily when my "gay-dar" immediately went off when I saw the new Speaker of the House who has repeatedly issued homophobic comments. 

All in all, it takes every bit of knowledge we trans people have acquired to make it in a world hostile to us. In a climate where certain political parties and religions are trying to erase us, the fact remains we have always been here and always will. 

Rest assured, we are true transgender forces of nature. Trained to do our best to survive as a tribe and never go back. 

Visible Activism

 

Image from the Jessie Hart Archives

I came across the term "Visible Activism" from a comment I received yesterday from Charli. It was in response to the post I had written concerning Liz's hospital stay. The entire day and a half was a real emotional roller coaster for me.

In addition to the excessive walking along with hours of sitting in unforgiving chairs being tough on my bad back, facing all those new people who could question my gender made the day and a half a real challenge. To make a long story short, I faced quite a few people.

Years ago, I came to the conclusion that most people don't care if I am transgender or not. They are involved in their own lives and can't make room to add you into theirs. Then there are the people who may notice you and approve of you living as your authentic self as a trans woman or trans man. That is the point where visible activism comes into play. Just living your life as a person in the world when people see you, it opens the door for other positive interactions with others in the transgender community.

Then, there are the minority who see you as transgender and don't approve as if it is any of their business. Naturally, they are the problem people we all dread seeing or interacting with. Out of all the people I encountered in the last two days, I ran into nearly none who reacted in a very negative way to me. One was a very small child who somehow locked on to me in a crowd of people and kept shouting for his Mother to look before I was able to disappear into the masses. The other was a clerk at the pharmacy I went to later in the day to pick up meds for Liz. He called me "Sir" as I went on my way. By this time I was so exhausted by the day, I didn't say anything and just went on my way.

To be certain, visible activism can be difficult depending largely upon your ability to present well to the world. Some days I think I represent my feminine side fairly well while other days, when my gender dysphoria kicks in, my confidence level drops and I have a difficult time facing the world. Those are the days I have to assure myself that all is not as bleak as it seems. Plus, this is the life I chose and I gave up quite a bit to arrive at where I am. 

It is also important to note I made the choice to not have any sort of surgeries at all. No facial feminization or genital realignment work at all. I know in the eyes of the medical world, I still am a biological male just living as a female. At least that is what I have been told by a very out of sorts nurse. I doubt if I made any difference to her in her world which obviously wasn't going very well the day I encountered her. 

Other people in the world I hope I am more successful with. Because ,as another transgender day of remembrance rapidly approaches in November, it will be time again to think about all of those who did (and continue) to make the ultimate sacrifice just to live as their authentic selves. Especially with the political climate around the country, visible activism becomes so much more important. It shows the world we are here to stay. 

Thanks again to Charli for the comment! It meant a lot as I never think I am doing enough to help the transgender or LGBTQ community. 

Breaking Down Barriors

 

Image from Nick Fewings
on UnSplash

I made it through my first long, long day in a hospital waiting for the doctor to complete my wife Liz's two operations.

The day started quite early, around six thirty in the morning and involved initially just a few people who I needed to introduce myself to. I always wonder how I will be perceived when we tell other people we are married. I feel doing it sometimes give me a chance to possibly out myself to the world. Not to worry, everyone who met us was very nice and responded correctly to my gender which of course is "she and her." 

I needed a good start I found as I embarked on a very long day as I have written. My biggest problem is sitting in uncomfortable hard backed chairs for any length of time. The only type of chair available to me as I waited for hours and hours in the surgical waiting room. The only saving grace was the room had a free refreshment area with a good coffee machine plus free soft drinks and snacks. I quickly found I could mix a chocolate cappuccino which tasted fairly good. 

By noon, after I finally figured no one else in the waiting room had me to worry about, I had a chance to go to another waiting room where Liz was just coming out of surgery. Again I was treated nicely and was directed how to get to the cafeteria where I could have some much needed lunch. Getting there, I found, was going to be another challenge. By this time, my back was screaming at me and I was doing my best not to walk all hunched over. For some reason, I had forgotten to take any ibuprofen before I left the house. I paid the price as I had to find my way down to the cafeteria on very crowded elevators. On top of my gender dysphoria, I had to worry about being crowded into such a small space with so many people. 

Again, I had no problems navigating the cafeteria, even to the point of being called "Ma'am" when I ordered. Again the food was surprising good and before long I finished eating and headed back upstairs to the uncomfortable waiting room. Then the real wait started because after Liz came out of surgery, the hospital didn't have any rooms available as they were trying to get one cleaned. It took nearly four more hours of waiting before she got a room. By this time, I decided to head home and feed the cats and try to relax. 

Then I made a couple of wrong turns and became semi-lost during rush hour traffic in Cincinnati. My GPS finally kicked in and after a hour of stressful driving, I made it home. The cats were fed and I tried to lay down for a second and rest my aching back. I couldn't lay there long because I was still caffeine charged up and decided to head back to the hospital. When I did, I was much more successful in navigating the trip. Once I arrived I needed to check in as a guest and get registered which also was a challenge when the security guard who obviously was new finally found the room number where Liz was. 

We were able to visit for a couple hours after yet another long hospital walk. Plus I did manage to make the return trip home the correct way without any problems, including a stop to pick up some dinner.

Now, I need to wrap up this post and head back to the hospital. Hopefully, Liz will be released today. Hopefully I had the chance to meet other people who never have te chance to interact with a transgender person, their first experience and it was a good one.

Falling Leaves

Image from Melissa Askew
on UnSplash

We are coming close to the peak of fall weather here in Southwestern Ohio.

The leaves on our trees are beginning their seasonal changes to red and gold and are starting to fall from the trees. On top of all of that we have been blessed (so far) with fairly mild temperatures and sunshine. In fact, we will have several days in the seventies this week. All weather news aside, fall has always been a bittersweet time of the year for me. 

I positively loved the fashion changes the cooler weather brought about. Primarily because I could cover all the pesky arm hair I couldn't cover with summer fashions with any long sleeved tops or blouses. I couldn't shave my arms because I needed to wear short sleeves on occasion when I worked in the kitchen at work. I also was/am fond of the leggings I acquired. My thought pattern is the tight leggings gave my legs a feminine shape. Completing my outfits, I normally wore fuzzy, oversized sweaters. My wardrobe even was approved by my ultra critical second wife. For the most part, this was the sweet part of the bittersweet term.

The bitter portion came when I stopped to consider the overall changes of the season. I vividly remember when I was coming home one night when I was living in Bowling Green, Ohio shortly before I went into the Army. The wind was blowing leaves across the road ahead of me in my headlights. Even in my pre-hormonal days, I nearly cried when I thought of all the upcoming changes which were coming in my life. Not only could I not pursue my gender goals, it was looking as if I couldn't even cross dress in my feminine clothes at all for the three years when I was in the military. All of the sudden, the weight of the world was coming down on me. On top of that, my fiancé at the time decided to break up with me because I was a cross dresser so I was all alone in my time of need.

To add insult to injury, I was able to bring a small wardrobe of clothes, wig and makeup with me to dress up in the apartment when my other roommates were away for break. I came home one night and after I did my prep work (shaving my legs and face) I went to look for my clothes and they were gone. Someone I discovered my hiding place and taken it all. I was equal parts mad and devastated because I just didn't have the courage to bring it up to my roommates when they returned from winter break. Besides, by this time, I only had a few weeks before I needed to report to Ft. Knox, Kentucky for basic training. I managed to salvage a bit of fun in the situation knowing how little humor a drill sergeant would have had if I showed up in a mini skirt. So I didn't need the clothes anyhow.  

These days, since I have transitioned into a transgender woman's life as far as I want to, I can enjoy the fall weather and leaves for what they are. A beautiful reminder of how life and seasons change for the better, even if I know the cold of winter isn't so far away. Without ever trying to look too far ahead, I know after the drab winter months, the green leaves and grass returns for another warm season. I mention often how the seasonal changes are fun for me because I can examine my feminine wardrobe and update it for the season ahead, Something I was always jealous of the cis-women around me during most of my life. I represented the drab winter too much it seemed while the women were able to explore new colors and fashions when the seasons changed. 

I guess you can say, I paid my seasonal fashion dues the difficult way and can now try to enjoy my new feminine transgender life. I view it this way, I lived nearly sixty years as a man and now I have lived over ten years as a transwoman. I had a lot of catching up to do. All the cross dressing in the world couldn't make up for the fact I couldn't take the final step and transition. The only good feelings I could take away from all my crossdressing experiences in the world were, at the least, I leaned many lessons of what I was getting myself into when I left the male world and entered the world of women. It wasn't easy as I needed to learn to play in the girl's sandbox before I earned my way in.

Witches Come Together

 

Witches Ball Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives...

Not so long ago, I was part of a group of Wiccans who put together sizeable parties every Halloween called "Witches Balls."

At it's peak, over five hundred people attended in a very appropriate huge vintage venue across the Ohio River from Cincinnati. Liz and I had plenty of experiences with the event because we went on several dates there before we were involved with organizing it. One of my fondest memories came when the Johnny Depp/Jack Sparrow impersonator flirted with me one year when the party was featuring pirates and also belly dancers. I also enjoyed watching the sexy gyrations of the dancers as I was given a chance to sit down with Liz and kick off my heels and watch. As much as I was enjoying wearing the heels, I was still paying the price for wearing them too long. 

Of course, since it was Halloween, costumes were an intricate part of the event and I was always on the outlook for the occasional cross dresser whose look was just a little too good. As close as I ever came was when I ran into a Facebook acquaintance who is also transgender who was selling her jewelry at the party. Overall, I was surprised I never was able to see anyone else who dressed as a woman for the evening. One thing for sure, I didn't need anyone else's approval  and I had a great time. 

Sadly, the larger witches ball's have become a thing of the past around Cincinnati and now are only held in smaller venues such as bars or taverns. So Halloween has increasingly become another rather boring day. However, I will be forever in debt of Halloweens past as they opened doors for me to express my true self long before I ever thought it was possible. We don't even have enough young trick or treaters stop by to see if any of the young boys are still dressing as cheerleaders. 

I do miss also the huge volunteer organizational effort it took to enable the events to happen at all. The feel good portion of the whole affair happened when we were able to donate a fairly large sum to one of the local homeless shelters. Karma is real and it is always nice to pay forward when you can. 

Since I live fulltime as a transgender woman for so long now, I don't need the feminine experience of a Halloween costume to shore me up. But on occasion I still miss what Halloween did for me in my life. Along the way, it became my most important, influential holiday. It opened my eyes to what could be possible and I could actually live out my gender dreams.   

Welcome to Hell

Inside "Casa Susanna" A dream trip I never made. 

My early days of dealing with a severe case of gender dysphoria can only be described as being in hell.

For those of you who can remember the dark days of information before the internet and social media, you also recall the days of being completely alone in your dark gender closet. Since I was raised in a very male dominated family, I knew escaping my own closet was going to be difficult at it's best. I was forced to sneak around behind my family's back to steal away the time to cross dress in my small stash of girls clothes and makeup. I even resorted to storing away my clothes and a spare mirror in plastic bags in a hollowed out tree in the woods next to our house.

Through it all, I knew the whole process of dressing as a girl made me feel better but somehow would have to be enough to get me by. I followed the vicious cycles of feeling the gender euphoria of being feminine in my mirror with deep depression when I was denied access to my clothes. I learned very early I wanted to do more than look feminine, I wanted to be feminine. Way before the term transgender was ever invented. to put the date in perspective, I would have been in the 1960's before I hit my teenaged years and still years away from my military duty and discovering Virginia Prince and her "Transvestia" publication which only dealt with so called heterosexual cross dressers or transvestites. I mention "Tranvestia" again because it was my first link to other like minded people. 

From then on, I knew I wasn't alone and could even go to transvestite mixers which were within driving distance of me. Even though I had discovered others, it turned out I was still dealing with my own personal hell. I still needed to be able to deal with the gender euphoric times followed by longer periods of gender dysphoric down times. Ironically I brought much of my hell on myself by not knowing the best ways to dress and apply makeup to best present my inner female to the public world. I had a difficult time dealing with all the stares, all the way to laughter when I tried to take on the world. Once I began to learn how to best handle the public, along came the Army to disrupt my life. As much as I didn't really want to experience military life at all, specifically I didn't know how I could exist three long years without having a chance to express my feminine self. For years, as I waited for the Vietnam War to draft me, I went through hell considering it's ramifications to me.

One way or another, I made it through the three years and couldn't wait for the relative freedom I had to escape my own personal gender hell, no matter how briefly. 

My big escape came when I made the highly personal decision to stop considering myself a cross dresser when I went out and I transitioned into thinking of myself as a transgender woman. Semantics to be sure but a huge move for me mentally. By mentally transitioning I was able to take a huge step out of my own personal gender hell. In many ways, I entered my golden years of MtF gender transition by leaving much of my hell behind and be able to increasingly explore the world. 

From then on I was able to free myself from my gender dysphoric hell and start to live my dream life as a transgender woman. Although I want to say the process was worth it, I wouldn't wish my journey on my worst enemy.

Coming Out to Employees?

 

Halloween Witches Ball Image
Liz on Right 

As we rapidly approach Halloween and my wife Liz's operation coming up, I thought it was time  for another Halloween experience while I still had time. 

This one happened when I was managing a fast food restaurant just outside of the New York City  metro area. More precisely, very close to the Bronx. As Halloween rolled around, once again  I was stressing out about what I was going to wear. The pressure was on since it was nearly impossible for me to leave the house we lived in dressed as my feminine self. I was back in the mode of waiting another year to escape from my mirror until the next Halloween rolled around.

As I faced the pressure head on, I decided to go all out as I decided what my "costume" was going to be. I put together what I thought would be a potentially a sexy look without crossing the line into being trashy. I pulled out my shortest dress, along with my highest heels. Most certainly, my wife's most hated outfit on me. In this case, I used her motivation of me to spur me on. For once, since she wasn't going anyhow, I decided she would have to get over it. I would have to put up with her displeasure with me for the next several weeks but it was worth it for me to pursue my dreams.

As I said, my outfit was going to be short and sexy as I to the best of my ability fool the world to what my true gender was all about. Little did I know, I would be able to find a situation where I was able to blend right in. 

As it turned out, one of my assistant (woman) managers was going out to one of her local taverns to celebrate Halloween with her friends and she invited me along. After I dressed, did my makeup and hair and was ready to go. When I arrived at my manager's house, it turned out the friends she was going with turned out to all be tall and beautiful . As it turned out, by pure accident, At least in the height department., I fit right in. When I first saw all of them, as the room grew silent, you could have heard a pin drop. Time seemed to stop for me as they examined me from head to toe. Of course I could only guess what they were thinking as we left for the short walk to the venue where we were going. Thank goodness for me (in my heels) it was not a long walk.

As we arrived, I learned a valuable lesson about being with other single women who were attractive. The first thing the women did was essentially split and worked the room. They left me on my own which was an experience in itself. After I bought a drink and found a seat at a small table, I settled in to try to enjoy my evening in the world as a novice transgender woman or even a transvestite. And it turned out, the night was far from over. As I tried to sit by myself, I attracted attention from an older guy who kept bugging me to dance. Which I refused although deep down I was flattered. Finally, the night was over, the group of women broke up and headed their own ways. 

I ended up back at my restaurant which I knew was closed by then. What I didn't count on was, the closing crew would just be getting done and they would see me in my "costume." Surprisingly to me, the response was positive even to the point of one of the guys saying I had good legs. 

More importantly, the backlash from me dressing as a woman for Halloween was a non starter for most of my crew and life went on. The only variable was my assistant manager who I think couldn't wait to tell my boss who smiled at me differently for awhile. However it was New York and there were bigger issues to deal with than me dressing as a woman for Halloween. Which was one of the reasons I wanted to move there from our native Ohio to begin with. 

As far as my second wife went, she finally made me pay my dues as only a woman knows how to do. I learned from it and moved on. Knowing I had been able to experience a truly wonderful evening to think about and remember forever. 

Pre-Political Meetup

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives...

 Long ago, following a few of my Halloween adventures when I did my best to stay away from looking trashy on Halloween. I was determined to do my best this night to be mistaken for a cis-woman. 

I decided to attend a party I was invited to as a professional business woman. The get-together was being held at a restored Victorian mansion which was owned by a casual friend I knew. A wide range of people were invited. I worked at a radio station in town at the time and since my first wife never really was into Halloween, I was left on my own to find someone else to accompany me. It turned out one of the news reporter women at the radio station had an invitation also, so we agreed to go together.

In no time at all, it was time to put together my "costume." I started with shaving my legs and putting on a brand new pair of panty hose. From there, it was very easy to choose an outfit from my growing feminine wardrobe. The years have clouded my memory so I do not exactly remember what I wore except it included heels and my red wig which I loved so much. Of course when my "date" saw me she was amazed and amused I would go to such lengths to be noticed on Halloween. Plus she was more than impressed when I was able to do such a good job walking in heels "for the first time." 

When we arrived, the hosts had done a wonderful job of decorating their old mansion. Even including a vintage glass topped coffin with a real skeleton. Most importantly, I was able to relax and enjoy being out of my gender closet for the first time in a year in public. I was truly a novice transgender woman just exploring the possibility for the first time if I could be accepted in the feminine world. 

As the night progressed, guests came and went and the alcohol flowed. Also I was receiving plenty of positive feedback on my "costume." I had made the correct choice to dress as a professional woman for the party. Most of the other guests assumed I was just arriving late from work and didn.t have a chance to dress up. Which was exactly my goal. 

The most flattering happening came when this couple approached me and said how impressed they were with my "look." They were totally fooled into thinking I was a woman. Through it all, I recognized the man and his wife as a newly elected politician on his way to Washington, DC. Plus they wanted me to tag along with them to another party they were going to,. Since I didn't know where they were going and was with someone else, I had to politely decline the invitation. Leaving me to forever wonder what would have happened if I had decided to go along with them. 

Who knows? Perhaps my political career was ended before it even had a chance to begin. At any rate, the evening turned out to be a blast and my "date" never mentioned how I looked again. It wasn't too long when she landed another news job and moved away anyhow. 

As far as the politician goes, he turned out to be re-elected several times to congress. I lost track of him also when his political career was over. I stayed friends with the owners of the mansion over the years until I moved away and they divorced. Maybe deep down inside I was disappointed no one brought up how I looked on Halloween that night so long ago. I was probably desperately trying to out myself and no one cared. Or I was so good at hiding my feminine side with my intense male self, no one could see my true self. 

It wasn't to be until years later, my feminine self finally took control and Halloween "costumes" became a thing of the past for me.

Secure Beginnings

 

1966 Transvestia Cartoon

This morning I read a post by a transgender man I follow on another writing format. 

The number one fact I took away from his post was how accepting his grandparent was when he was growing up. In fact, the grandparent took him to get his hair cut and purchased him clothes to match his authentic gender. After I read the post I responded by saying how good it must have been to have a supporting person in their life. 

Sadly, I was never able to take advantage of having anyone even knowing about or having any inkling about my gender issues. I knew without any shadow of a doubt, I was expected to be a boy in all aspects of my life. My parents were of the "Greatest Generation" which was the WWII and Great Depression generation. As a child growing up in the 50's, I was expected to fit neatly into a square male hole and survive the best I could. in a world I did not embrace.

The entire experience of being totally alone in the world as a boy who wanted to be a girl led me quickly to extreme cases of gender dysphoria. It wasn't until many years later when I learned of Virginia Prince and her "Transvestia" publication did I discover there actually other transvestites as they called themselves back then. Thinking back, I am fairly sure the publication was mailed out every two months and I couldn't wait until the next one arrived. Thanks to "Transvestia", I was able to learn about actual mixers which were close enough for me to go meet  other cross dressers or transvestites. As I began to see others in those mixers up close and personal, I learned how many levels of difference there were in a community which I imagined to be so similar. For example, the idea of the mixer being for only heterosexual transvestites only was quickly dispelled when too many of the participants disappeared behind  their hotel room doors too quickly.

Ironically, through it all, I still didn't feel as if I had found any sort of a home with others who supposedly were supposed to feel similar to me. Looking back, I think it was because the concept of being transgender had not been widely publicized at the time. I knew I did not belong with the cross dressers trying to deny their male selves or the transsexuals in the group considering radical gender realignment surgery. In those days, anyone who went down the surgical path was recommended to move away and begin a totally new life. As severe as my gender dysphoria was at the time. I couldn't imagine myself doing all of that.

It took awhile but I eventually stopped blaming my parents for ignoring my gender issues. Part of it was my fault for never attempting to tell them what was really bothering me, so I took the traditional male approach and just bottled it all up. I hid it all so well until the night after I returned home from the Army. I came home late from drinking my share of beer and found my Mom waiting up for me. We started to talk and along the way, I tried to come out to her. She followed her instincts and offered to pay for mental health counselling and I followed mine and never brought it up to her again. She has long since passed away so the best I could do to honor her anyhow was to change my new legal middle name to hers nearly five years ago. 

I needed to realize the "Greatest Generation" was good at providing and not so good at emotional support,  at least in my family. Once I accepted the facts of my upbringing, I really needed to work hard to not repeat the cycle of my upbringing. Once I began to feel secure in my transgender life, I was able to  do it.    

First Impressions

 

Picnic Photo, Liz on Right

Following up on my Halloween post from yesterday, I began to think of all the first impressions I noticed when I first went out in public as my cross dressed feminine self.

My biggest takeaway from the experiences came when I was interacting with men I knew. Nearly immediately I felt a rejection as if I had been excluded from the male club. Later in life, I would figure out I was just experiencing a loss of my male privileges. The better I presented as a trans woman, the quicker my male life went away. When I did, I learned I needed to live my public life with a perceived loss of intelligence and personal security among other things. I just didn't realize in those early days of public interaction exactly what I was experiencing. 

Along the way I also learned how the power of first impressions changes between the binary genders. Men seemed to concentrate on sizing other men up as more or less another threat while women were more accepting. To this day, I need to adjust to smiling first when I meet another woman and not to walk around with what is left of my old male scowl on my face. The problem I have is pre-judging the reaction someone else is going to have to me. You would think by now I would not be so affected by my thoughts anymore but I am. Most likely my thoughts still come from when I first started meeting up with the public. Halloween or not.

First impressions also involve how much confidence you have in yourself. When you can summon the courage to know without a doubt you are in the right place at the right time leads others to believe you are too. In her own way, my wife Liz encourages me to step forward as a confident transgender woman when we are interacting with the public in places such as restaurants. Even so, confidence in public can be a very fragile thing as I found out very early. Even when I was going out under the cover of having a Halloween "costume." 

The more parties I went to, the better I became at refining my outfits. I wanted to try my best to be mistaken for a genetic or cis-woman and not myself. The good news was it actually worked on occasion and the bad news was I needed to wait another year before I could build on my experiences and discover if I could really be able to ever live out in the world as a trans woman. Spoiler alert, I could but the process was to be a very difficult one for me. 

The first problem I had was figuring out which wardrobe I could choose to hide my testosterone poisoned male body. I started the process by losing nearly fifty pounds and finished by undertaking HRT or hormone replacement therapy. When I did, more and more I was pushed out of my old male comfort zone and into a new and sometimes terrifying feminine world. I had to learn all over again the power of first impressions and how to deal with people. 

For the most part, my life experiences now have been positive ones. The problem people I run into often have a negative world of their own which has nothing at all to do with me. I am merely invading their space. 

It is the best I can do!  

The Power of Halloween

 

Image from Danie Franco
on UnSplash

During my life of realizing how deeply my gender issues went, the more important Halloween parties became to me. 

I could say going to Halloween parties dressed as a woman began innocently enough. All I really wanted to do was go out and feel the thrill of wearing a short dress with freshly shaven legs and new silky panty hose. Little did I know, I would experience so much more as the years went by.

My first "costumes" were simply trying to dress as trashy as I could, trying my best to "thrill" my friends into thinking I could be an attractive woman. It turned out to be a process I would go through for Halloweens to come. Dressing to thrill just wasn't enough, dressing to be mistaken for a woman became my goal. 

Even still, my first Halloween party when I seriously dressed as a woman was a memorable one from several different reasons. Ironically, the party happened when I was in the Army stationed in Germany. I was fortunate when I was assigned to work at the AFN (American Forces Radio and TV Europe). Naturally, compared to others with more strictly military duties. I also managed to live in a separate barracks with others assigned to a medical commissary. We had it easy. 

When Halloween rolled around, the people in the medical group decided to have a big party and it was my big chance to put two years of being cross dressing frustrated behind me. Finally I had the opportunity to cross dress again if only I could find the clothes and makeup I needed to look the part, Since it has been so many years ago, 1975, I don't really remember how I came up with all the necessities I  needed to dress as a prostitute but I did. Short mini dress, high heels and long blond wig completed my outfit and to the party I went. I ended up having a great time, which included too much German beer and Jägermeister. Through it all, I remember all the prying hands I needed to fend off from places they should not have been.

The big question I had was, did I do too good of an effort to be attractive? I always considered shaved legs was the deciding point between someone who casually dressed as a woman for Halloween and someone else who was way too serious. Plus, I still had to keep in mind, I still had a year to go in the Army and I did not want to lose my chance for a honorable discharge if someone looked at my "costume" and decided it was too gay. 

It turned out not to matter anyhow. A couple weeks later when my group of three close friends and I got together for dinner (and beer) I ended up being indirectly asked how serious I was about looking like a woman. I blurted out very serious and that I was a transvestite. The first time I had admitted it to anyone. As free as I felt at the moment, putting myself out there could have been potentially very harmful to me as I tried to finish my military service. Fortunately nothing ever came of my letting others in to my "secret" and I served out my time with an honorable discharge. 

From then on, I couldn't wait for my next chance to leave the mirror behind and express my feminine self in the world. Sadly, the only time I could do it was Halloween which I will have plenty of interesting posts about coming up.   

Opportunity or Challenge

Image from UnSplash

During our often long and torturous gender journeys, we often face many difficulties.

The first obstacle we face happens simply because we faced the problem of having no chance to really experience the world as a youth as the gender we really wanted to be. Transgender woman or trans man, both have to catch up with what we missed as a youth. Not being able to socialize with others as our authentic selves really would come back to haunt many of us when we first ventured out from our dark and lonely gender closets. Of course, in the case of trans women, we needed to learn the basics of makeup and wardrobe before we could seriously move forward in the world. 

In my case, moving forward meant saving my meager allowance and adding it to my paper route money (I had a rural newspaper delivery route) so I could purchase my own make up and even was able to buy my first pair of women's shoes. I learned quickly, just having the money was one thing but having the courage to spend it was another. I needed to gather my funds and courage then try to sneak out from where my Grandma lived to visit a nearby Woolworth store which featured (among other things) an intimidating section of makeup supplies. I do not  remember now how I was able to maintain any sort of composure to buy anything but I did and was able to slowly build my own small collection of makeup which I was able to hideaway from prying eyes at home.

It turned out I had faced the challenge of purchasing my own makeup and then had to face the opportunity of how to apply it. I was on my own and had no peer group to question me if I was doing it right. I only had the mirror to rely on. During this time, I only tried once to come out to a male friend of mine who was my age and was completely rejected. So back into the closet I went. The only relief I had that there was anyone remotely similar to me was another young male friend of mine who sued to dress in his mother's clothes. However, before our explorations moved ahead too far, he ended up moving a couple states away and I was alone again.

Much later in life did the challenges begin to disappear and the opportunities began to become very relevant in my life. The days were upon me when the term "transgender" was becoming widely used and more importantly I could apply the word to myself. In addition, my trips into the world became less and less anticipation and more and more realization. Step by step I was learning who the real me was and she felt so natural. 

I was able to keep my thirst for change up and kept finding ways to meet new people (primarily women) who accepted me for the trans woman I was and with them at least, they had never met and had no knowledge of my old male person at all. Challenges became fewer and fewer until it was time for me to consider taking the step and starting hormone replacement therapy or HRT. The changes in my gender hormones provided me with opportunities I had only previously dreamed of. As my skin softened and my hair grew, I was able to present a more natural version of myself to the public. 

Now I look at all my gender challenges as opportunities to grow and do better in life. I ended up living my dream and succeeding in experiencing both sides of the binary gender border. Not always fun but always satisfying. A place I never thought I never could achieve.  

Staying in Your Own Lane

 

Image from UnSplash

Staying in each others own lane has been increasingly difficult for the transgender community. 

Much of our existence changed under the four year rule of a certain former president who brought out hate in our country. All of a sudden, more and more people became less reserved about changing lanes and invading the LGBT world. Recently I have a close friend whose world was invaded by gender bigots crashing her world. It happened at a relatively upscale casual dining restaurant very close to where my wife Liz and I live and I felt so bad for my friend. 

To make a long and personal experience short, her and her wife's dinners were ruined by other patrons who referred to her as a "Fa--ot" and worse, such as religious slurs. In our experience in the venue, I was laughed at once by a server but that was about it. Even then, we felt bad enough about it to never go back. Plus, that was years ago and people and times have changed. So many think it is acceptable to hurt others with their feelings. So now, it could have been so much worse for me. 

I have said or written it many times how fortunate I am to have Liz with me most of the time when I interact with the public. She is approximately the same height as I am and opens many gender doors for me and others have a tendency to stay in their own lanes. An example happened a couple days ago when Liz went to one of her pre surgical appointments. As always, I didn't have any issues in the doctors offices and especially when we went to a nearby coffee shop to order a cup of caffeine and a breakfast sandwich. The coffee shop was very near one of the  local major university campuses, so the extreme majority of the patrons were college students who certainly had no gender issues other than their own.

In other words, all the people I encountered had no reason to leave their own lane and enter mine and I was free to enjoy my own transgender life. 

For all of you who are attempting to live as your authentic gender selves, I hope people stay out of your lane and you can enjoy your life. I know I am preaching to the choir but you deserve a stable and pleasant gender existence. My blog gently weeps for all of you locked in your dark closets or are just out in the world trying to stay in your own lane. I know my basics of being out in the world is easy, be nice to everyone I can and tip well when I need to. I also benefit on occasion from being easily remembered because of how well I present as a transwoman or don't. 

Either way, I am sadly waiting for the day when a gender bigot decides to veer out of their lane and into my own. 

Always on Stage

Image from
the Jessie
Hart Archives

Very early on I learned when I entered the world as a novice cross dresser, I was always on stage. 

More precisely, not only were men judging me, I also needed to worry about other women. Even more so than men as it turned out. As women in particular had the tendency to be more picky than anyone else because they had been through the process of appearing in public. Women know all of the intricacies of fashion and makeup. Even if they decide to follow the rules or not. At the least, genetic or cis-women don't have to follow the rules when they go out in public. 

How this all translates to transgender women is, we all have to try harder than the average woman just to get by in the world. Not only do we have to blend in with the women of the world in general, we have to do it better. My biggest mistake was when I began to transition, I was still mainly interested to pleasing men which eventually led me to try to dress sexy. Which eventually turned out to be trashy for me. The entire process for me led to me creating too much negative attention that resulted in embarrassing situations. I was trying to fit my testosterone poisoned male body into teen girl fashions, which in no way worked. 

Finally I learned the hard way to blend in but with an edge. By an edge I mean I still had to work hard on my feminine image. I needed to out do other women but not look like I was trying. To work towards accomplishing my task, I had to perfect an understated fashion look. What were other women wearing and how could I come close. Not to mention the makeup I chose for where I was going. 

Since I was always on stage, I became used to it. I became secure enough not to retreat when I was approached mainly by other cis-women. I kept my cool and was able to learn from them. How did they handle the world around them. Specifically their interaction with other men. It turned out, for whatever reason, I never was able to have much interaction with men to worry about. As I said, women were a different matter. Other women often were able to start a conversation with me by complementing me on an accessory such as my ear-rings. probably because most were just curious why I wanted to be in their feminine world. Through it all, I found overall acceptance and was able to slowly perfect my on stage presence. So much so, I began to feel natural doing it.

Feeling natural soon became a primary goal for me. As my old unwanted male self began to slip away, I felt better and better about myself. 

Even though being on stage was very un-nerving for me in the beginning, I became used to it as a normal way of life for all women in the world. Both men and other women were always looking at me. Once I got used to it, life became so much easier to survive as a transgender woman in the world.

Coming Out Day

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

Recently I know I missed "Coming Out Day" which I think was actually on October 11th. 

My excuse is I have been so busy with medical appointments between my wife Liz and I, I barely had a chance to write a post at all. Today, following a very early morning trip to Liz's hospital for pre surgery instructions, I had a chance to sit down, do a little research and write concerning the when's and how's of my actual coming out.

Following a bit of quick math, I determined I actually decided to shed what was left of my old male self and come out in the year 2010. Up to that point, I was still attempting to recover from the loss of my second wife who passed very unexpectedly in 2007 from a massive heart attack. In reality, she was the only major hold back to me coming out in the world as transgender excepting what would I do for employment. I knew for sure the company I worked for would not accept me as a trans woman so I needed some way to support myself. Since I was already in my early sixties, I researched how much I could make if I retired early on Social Security and determined I could make a living by selling off all the vintage collectables my wife and I had accumulated over the years. 

I ended up selling enough to even pay off the back taxes I owed on my house before the bank came after it when my loan became due. I moved in with Liz and let the house go which is something I should have done years before. 

I remember vividly the night I decided once and for all to turn my back on my old male self and live full time as a transgender woman. Primarily, I was exhausted from all the gender tension I was putting myself through. Plus I had started hormone replacement therapy and was rapidly approaching the point when I was at the least, very androgynous. I had put myself in a gender corner I couldn't get out of and deep down didn't want to. As I stared into the drink I was enjoying, I finally said enough was enough and why did I have to live the way I was living. I was dividing my time between the two primary binary genders and I wouldn't wish the ripping and tearing I was experiencing on my worst enemy. It became so bad, I needed to consciously consider which gender I was going to live as when I awakened in the morning. 

As you can tell, I have been out and living as my chosen feminine self for many years now. As much as I wish I could, I can't take all the credit for shedding my old male self and never looking back. I mention often the small circle of women (cis or genetic) who helped me along my transition path. It turned out I was making the whole process much more difficult than it had to be. It was Liz's final push which sent me down the slippery slope to a new life when she told me she had never seen any male in me at all and why didn't I just transition and get it over with.

I suppose somewhere along the line I should have been keeping track of my coming out anniversaries but life always seemed to get into the way and the reality of the situation of living my dream of living as a transgender woman was too much. 

The old saying is true, time fly's when you are having fun.   

Visiting the Doctor

This morning I completed my latest visit to my Veteran's Administration health primary provider. She is the equivalent to someone's family doctor. 

Most importantly, once again I was greeted warmly and treated with respect which wasn't always the case in the VA clinic I go to. Early on, I was not treated well. Almost to the point I felt as if I would have to file an official complaint against one woman who insisted on calling me "sir." 

Imagine my surprise this morning when the nurse who was checking me in had a special place on the form for transgender woman. I know several times I had responded to LGBTQ survey's from the VA exploring our needs in the system. I guess they were listening and finally responded. I know several other veterans read the blog who interact with various levels of the VA health system and have had differing results. I am just happy to report mine have been very positive recently.

Now, onto the important news. Today, all my vitals were good including weight, blood pressure, heart and lungs sounded good. In addition, I had my bi-annual blood labs taken and a flu shot. The lead vampire lady who does all the lab work as always was very nice and instructed the student following her around I was one of her favorite patients and referred to me as "she."

Perhaps the only negative was I have to have another colonoscopy early next year. It has only been one year since my last one and due to the fact they found three polyps so they wanted to see me again relatively soon for yet another fun filled experience. I look at it this way, the alternative is much worse. 

So until the results of my blood labs come back, I can rest assured I am in (knock on wood) pretty good health and I even was able to make an appointment for the next available Covid vaccine. 

At least I don't have to worry how I will be treated due to being transgender when I go back. 

Gender Walls

 

Image from Marcus Loke
on UnSplash

One of the reasons I waited so long to transition into a fulltime feminine world was when I tried to escape the walls which were forever threatening to close in around me.

Little did I know, each successful move I made came back to haunt me. Ironically, success just showed me perhaps I could live my dream as a transgender woman. Before I arrived at my final conclusion, I needed to seemingly transition more and more on my gender journey. My prime example has always been the time I decided I needed to change my mind set when I went out into the world cross dressed as a woman. Somehow it occurred to me I needed to reverse my thinking and decide I was going out as my authentic self  and all this time in my life I had been crossdressing not as a woman but as a man. When I realized my gender truth, I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable in the male world I worked my entire life to be successful in.

Very quickly when I went down this new path, deep down I knew I could never go back. I was suddenly sliding down a very slippery slope to a new life. A life I felt very natural and excited to be a part of. I had no idea if the outside world perceived me as being any different and I may have just been playing with semantics but as I said, the feelings were much different for me. I had crossed the line in my mind from being a cross dresser all the way to being a transgender woman. The first night I tried to change and was successful was when I went all out to dress to blend in with a group of professional women who always gathered after work at a nearby "Fridays" venue for an after work drink. Even though I was scared to death, I was able to relax and enjoy myself to the best of my ability. The best part was, no one gave me a second look. The bartenders were nice to me and I knew I was changing forever. 

Following all of the excitement and gender euphoria, ironically the walls began to close in on me again. What would I do with all my new found freedom to cross the gender border. I still had a wife I loved of twenty-five years, friends and family plus a very good job to consider losing. The pressure was intense. With the pressure I began to do all the wrong things. Primarily when I began to emotionally cheat on my wife by going out as my feminine self as much as I could. Of course, I was caught on numerous occasions which led us into massive relationship straining fights. While I never cheated on her physically, the emotional cheating was bad enough to put extra strain on me which I didn't need. All the pressure eventually led me to another self harm (suicide) attempt and my wife finally telling me why I wasn't man enough to be a woman. She passed away before she was able to see how prophetic her words finally became.

The end result of all her criticism became, I re-committed myself  to learning more and more what my life would mean to me if I took the final steps to living as a fulltime transgender woman. My steps included being cleared by doctors to begin HRT or hormone replacement therapy. At that point I knew there could never be any turning back as eventually I changed my legal name and settled into a new life with my wife Liz. 

Of course my final wall to overcome will be if and when I need to face what will happen to me when I have to go into assisted living or face being mis-gendered by part of my family when I die. It seems there are always walls to face when you are transgender. 

Fashion Trends and Circles

 

Image from Jonathan Borba
on Unsplash

Following thinking more and more about yesterday's post, I finally figured out I left out too many details of me supposedly not wanting to wear skirts. 

The post was called "Skirting the Issue" and basically zeroed in on the negative feedback I received when I first entered the world with other cross dressers. I was told, if I wanted to wear pants (or slacks) I should just stay dressed in my male clothes. I rejected the comment and proceeded to follow my own path as a novice transvestite in the world. 

Where the experiences changed were when much later I again started to go out in the public's eye. Overall, my first experiences with another person were with my second wife who was very conservative in her dressing styles. In order to try to gain favor with her, I attempted to dress the same way. Mostly relying on jeans or slacks on the rare occasions she went out with me. It didn't seem to matter as she never seemed to like or relate to my emerging feminine self. Ironically, I was many times on the opposite end of the cross dressing spectrum when she wasn't around to judge me.

What happened was, during my earlies Halloween experiments, I dressed as prostitutes in very short dresses or skirts. I always made sure to shave my legs and threw caution to the wind when it came to friends and strangers reacting to me doing just a little (or a lot) to look like a woman. Deep down I was so flattered when I received compliments on how good my legs looked. At that point, I did become obsessed with showing off what I perceived to be my most feminine asset which of course were my legs. It took me forever it seemed to figure out stuffing my male torso and big shoulders into a mini skirt just didn't work. I was just taking the easy way out and cross dressing for the mirror in front of me and not the world.

Over the years I was still able to take advantage of certain fashion trends which came and went. A couple in particular stay in my mind as being beneficial to showing off my legs and still be fashionable. The first was in the 80's I believe when many women where I lived were wearing oversized sweaters with undersized mini skirts. I was able to acquire both fashion items and be positively received in the world because I was able to blend in and not be trashy in my appearance. Plus, I was thrilled to be able to feel the cool air on my freshly shaved legs.

The second fashion trend I was able to take advantage of was when professional women were wearing business suits along with short skirts. Many times they wore colored opaque panty hose and kitten heels to round out their outfits. I was able to find a pale green suit with a short skirt which fit me well and even matched it up with opaque hose that matched. I already had my blond wig and kitten heels so I was ready to go to the upscale malls where I lived and shop for as long as I wanted with no incidents.

I guess where I began to fixate on wearing jeans or pants sometimes again came when I began to be able to find the "Boho" fashions which took me back to my youth. I wore out my jean skirts and tattered bell-bottomed jeans until they had to be discarded. 

Finally I went full circle to the days of trying to appease my wife when I was able to be accepted by a small group of lesbian friends. Most certainly, I wanted to blend with them. Especially when we went to lesbian mixers. It was a challenge to go back but I did because I wanted so desperately to blend in.

I learned through fashion, life is nothing but a circle if you can live long enough to experience it. Living my life as a transgender woman just made the point more evident. 

Skirting the Issue

Image from Vladimir 
Yelizarov on 
UnSplash

Many years ago, I ran into the sting of being criticized for not wearing a skirt or a dress when I attended my first transvestite mixers. 

Many times I wore a nice pair of women's slacks long with foam hip pads to give me a slimming feminine appearance. Needless to say, it did not take me long to notice I was the only one not wearing a skirt or a dress to the mixer. Plus it did not take long for someone to mention to me why I would choose to dress the way I was. If I wanted to wear pants, I should have just come to the party as my male self. While my answer should have been why do not you mind your own business, instead I said something to the effect of I didn't need a dress to express my inner self.

Years later and armed with much more gender knowledge I knew I was correct on how I answered the person in question. The reason was, except for a brief love of denim mini skirts, I mainly never lost my fondness for wearing women's jeans and/or leggings. Personally, I found pants to be more comfortable as I blended in better with the close circle of cis-women friends I had bonded with. I guess I was fortunate also when women as a whole where I lived began to wear dresses and skirts less and less when they went out. During our recent visit I wrote about to our favorite restaurant which is huge in size, I never saw another woman in a skirt or dress. 

I will say, being a transgender woman who lives fulltime in a woman's world, I still value the flexibility to dress how I want. During the summer month's, if I wanted to wear one of my long and silky maxi dresses, I would. The whole process is part of female privilege and is what I signed up for. If I was getting bored with the same old drab male fashions, I could change my look up anytime I wanted. So skirting the issue was just another benefit. 

Another factor in say wearing leggings is they are warmer in the fall and winter months and benefit the changes hormone replacement therapy has had on my body. One of the first changes I felt under the new hormones was I was much more apt to feel the cool. No longer did I feel the women I felt were making up being cold all the time, were faking it. Along with them, suddenly I was cold also. Ironically, one of the last changes coming along would help me in my decision to acquire and wear leggings from my wardrobe. Slowly but surely after many years on HRT I started to develop my own hips. Leggings helped me to finally accentuate the fact I had a feminine body, not the testosterone damaged one I had to live with for so many years. 

These days, with fall finally setting in, I love my cozy sweaters and leggings. I paid my dues to blend into society and am happy to skirt the issue.  

Cajun Night Out

From the Jessie Hart Archives,
my wife Liz on Left. 

Last night my wife Liz and I celebrated a combined celebratory dinner at our favorite Cajun restaurant which features a chef who worked previously in New Orleans.  Far from our native Ohio.

The weather had turned in our favor with the first night of fall weather arriving.  Which meant I could wear my birthday gift from my daughter which was a nice warm soft outer fleece. Of course, after a close shave, application of eye makeup, blush and lipstick I brushed back my long hair and was ready to go. In order to blend in with the very casual atmosphere of the venue, I wore my favorite jeans and sweater. Now I regret I didn't have Liz take a picture but at the time I felt so good about the both of us going out together, focusing on just me just didn't seem appropriate.

Once we arrived at the venue called the "Swamp Water Grille' the parking lot was packed and we knew we would have to walk which sometimes is a issue for me. However, I gathered my courage and headed into the restaurant. I found out long ago busy places are better for me when it comes to anyone questioning my gender orientation and I was not wrong last night. As we entered, the hostess cheerfully greeted us and said the wait for a table would be approximately one half hour which worked in perfectly with our plans. 

The best and most gender affirming part of the evening was yet to come when our male waiter addressed us as ladies when he brought us water to start out. At the time, I had not ordered yet and wondered if my voice was going to give me away as a transgender woman. It did not as he referred to us as ladies throughout our dinner all the way until we paid and left. During our dinner, the rest of the tables were full nearly the entire time and again no one even gave me a side glance,. Gender freedom is a wonderful thing!

Due to the enormous portions, we bought and brought dessert home with us to splurge since the evening also was reserved to celebrate our first wedding anniversary which is coming up soon. Last year, we decided to "tie the knot" after going together for nearly eleven years. I guess we did not want anything such as being legally married interfere with our happiness. It has not so far. 

Plus, outside of the wonderful companionship and great food, the whole evening did wonders for my gender euphoria. The whole process of acceptance on any level brought back the years of struggle I went through during my early years of cross dressing on the way to my time as a novice transgender woman. Last night made it all worth it.  

Gender Chaos

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives 

Over time, I began to consider the chaos being transgender caused in my life. 

Looking back, I wish I had just a portion of the time back I wasted as I worried about how I was going to deal with all my gender issues. Every time I was able to set aside precious time to cross dress as my feminine self, I was only able to feel better for a short time before reality set back in and I started to resist my same old unwanted male self again. When it happened, I would become a terrible person to be around. Even to the point of losing jobs because of my actions.  Needless to say, this portion of my life was very self destructive. 

What I ended up doing was trying to outrun my gender issues which in my case I describe as gender dysphoria. I tried by changing jobs (which often involved moving) often and drank entirely too much alcohol as I attempted to out macho all my male friends while at the same time dulling my pain. Fortunately, I was able to stop my alcohol abuse in time to lessen any further chance of lasting damage to my body.

Backtracking a bit to all the moves I subjected my second wife to, we picked up and moved from our native Southwestern Ohio to the metro New York City area to run a fast food franchise. Perhaps an ulterior motive was to move to a much more liberal community which would provide more potential possibilities for my cross dressing gender expressions. After surviving almost two years, it was time to move again, as we returned to our native Ohio. As it turned out, yet another move awaited both my wife and I as I accepted a job to open fast food venues in Southern Ohio which turned out to be the exact opposite living situation than we faced in New York. We ended up renting a very rustic house in a rural area where we heated with a wood stove and utilized a cistern for our drinking water. Even still, I found ways to learn more about my gender challenges as I traveled into the nearest town.

Ironically, during this point of my life, I fueled my gender chaos by being successful with my feminine presentation. It was around this time when I started to begin doing the grocery shopping for the family as well as sneaking in quite a bit of shopping for myself. In essence, I leaned I could be on the right track thinking I could follow my secret dream of living as a fulltime transgender woman.  Little did I know how much chaos would lie ahead as my future played out. 

Recently I heard a comment which describes a large portion of the chaos I was to face. As I write about often, my deceased second wife knew and didn't object to my transvestite or cross dressing desires but never approved of me beginning hormones and starting to live more and more as a woman. As I headed down a path to no return with my gender desires. The comment involved the concept of emotional cheating and I immediately applied it to me. During my twenty five year marriage to my wife, I never physically cheated on her with anyone. However, as I became increasing involved with learning to exist in a feminine world, I started to sneak around behind my wife's back to live my new life. I wasn't proud of what I did but my only excuse was my chaos was so severe I could only do what I needed to do to survive. As I emotional cheated. 

All I know for sure, living through gender chaos is no joke and proves once again being a transgender woman or trans man is not a choice. Any transphobe who says it is needs to walk in our shoes for just a short time to see our truth.   

"Trans-Dar" Activated

 

Image from Nikki Smith

Yesterday I happened upon two television shows with  LGBTQ friendly hosts. 

During both shows, I was actually late in tuning in and missed the very beginning of the segments. During the first show, my "Trans-dar" didn't really go off at all until the questions started. Of course, once I realized the woman was transgender I began to pay closer attention to what was going on. It turned out the trans woman's sister invited her to be in her wedding. I immediately thought what was the problem? It turns out the trans woman was forced to walk down the aisle by herself because no one in the best man's party would commit to even holding her hand for the walk. Of course, I felt her situation deeply having experienced something similar to that myself.

Years ago, when I began to become close to a small group of people in a venue I became a regular in, I was invited to join in a bachelorette party. To make a long story short, my invitation was revoked for a reason I was never told. Life went on and I was disappointed but I got over it. Maybe one of more of the other invitees objected to me being invited at all. I moved on forever wondering what went wrong.  Joining in with a bachelorette women's party at the time would have done wonders for my overall confidence with my presentation as well as my confidence in my new life.

Since I rarely see any shows on television which cover transgender  women or men at all, I was surprised on the same day, to see yet another program featuring another trans person. This time my "Trans-dar" did go off and I was able to research who I was watching and came up with "Nikki Smith". During the interview, she was able to provide feedback (in a short period of time) on the issues we face as transgender women. Especially in Utah where she grew up and the problem of finding her way in a field such as rock climbing. Both her and the interviewer did an incredible job of providing an insight on our lives.

Even still, both shows plus what I heard on one of the cable news networks I am a fan of, left me deeply troubled on the future of LGBTQ people in an overall sense and trans people in particular will have to face in the future. Texas (of course) was featured in a show I was watching when they pointed out how far right wing companies such as "Patriot Mobile" in Texas are funneling thousands of dollars into winning local school board races. Which in turn force schools into anti-gender and racial systems  of education and book banning. Closer to home, the school board where I live just painted out a diversity mural the middle school students had painted. Amid many protests the board ignored.

Hopefully the whole process back fires on the gender and racial bigots and the younger generation continues on their path to providing a more equitable future for all.