Now What?

 

Image from Kolos Kevie 
on UnSplash

During my long journey to transgender womanhood, I have encountered several "now what" moments. 

The first I can remember came during a Halloween party I was attending. For the party, I was dressed in a very short mini dress which showed off my freshly shaven legs completely. Even though the men mainly stayed away from me, several women took it upon themselves to compliment me on how good my legs looked. Now, I remember vividly telling one of the women thanks but a lot of good my legs will do me. I did not finish the thought by telling her having good legs will not do me much good if I need to wait another year to show them off again at Halloween.

As life flew by, I finally was able to show the public my authentic self, to very mixed reviews. Predictably, I went too far overboard building my wardrobe around my legs which was correct to do during the eighties when short skirts and oversized sweaters and tops were all the fashion vogue along with big hair. It was like the fashion gods were playing right into my hands as a novice transgender woman. 

As we all know, fashion trends change, and I was forced to also if I was to do my best to blend in with the other women around me. Finally, I needed to lengthen my skirts and adopt shorter wigs. I was not happy but had to adopt a new "now what" fashion mode. 

What came along to save me was a new realization about what presenting as my autentic self-meant to me. I began to survive on my new personality as the public began to want to know more about me. When I did, I began to encounter many new "now what" moments on a regular basis. In other words, I was in very deep trying my best to discover if I could or should attempt a gender transition into a new scary, exciting world. 

I discovered I very much did want to be in the new feminine world I was discovering, and I could not under any circumstances turn back to the old male life I was in. "Now what" had passed me by and it was too late. I had passed all my personal tests seeing if I could do it.

It was a long road, but I managed to do it. I just wish I had listened to my inner gender questions years or even decades ago.

Falling Leaves

Image from Melissa Askew
on UnSplash

We are coming close to the peak of fall weather here in Southwestern Ohio.

The leaves on our trees are beginning their seasonal changes to red and gold and are starting to fall from the trees. On top of all of that we have been blessed (so far) with fairly mild temperatures and sunshine. In fact, we will have several days in the seventies this week. All weather news aside, fall has always been a bittersweet time of the year for me. 

I positively loved the fashion changes the cooler weather brought about. Primarily because I could cover all the pesky arm hair I couldn't cover with summer fashions with any long sleeved tops or blouses. I couldn't shave my arms because I needed to wear short sleeves on occasion when I worked in the kitchen at work. I also was/am fond of the leggings I acquired. My thought pattern is the tight leggings gave my legs a feminine shape. Completing my outfits, I normally wore fuzzy, oversized sweaters. My wardrobe even was approved by my ultra critical second wife. For the most part, this was the sweet part of the bittersweet term.

The bitter portion came when I stopped to consider the overall changes of the season. I vividly remember when I was coming home one night when I was living in Bowling Green, Ohio shortly before I went into the Army. The wind was blowing leaves across the road ahead of me in my headlights. Even in my pre-hormonal days, I nearly cried when I thought of all the upcoming changes which were coming in my life. Not only could I not pursue my gender goals, it was looking as if I couldn't even cross dress in my feminine clothes at all for the three years when I was in the military. All of the sudden, the weight of the world was coming down on me. On top of that, my fiancé at the time decided to break up with me because I was a cross dresser so I was all alone in my time of need.

To add insult to injury, I was able to bring a small wardrobe of clothes, wig and makeup with me to dress up in the apartment when my other roommates were away for break. I came home one night and after I did my prep work (shaving my legs and face) I went to look for my clothes and they were gone. Someone I discovered my hiding place and taken it all. I was equal parts mad and devastated because I just didn't have the courage to bring it up to my roommates when they returned from winter break. Besides, by this time, I only had a few weeks before I needed to report to Ft. Knox, Kentucky for basic training. I managed to salvage a bit of fun in the situation knowing how little humor a drill sergeant would have had if I showed up in a mini skirt. So I didn't need the clothes anyhow.  

These days, since I have transitioned into a transgender woman's life as far as I want to, I can enjoy the fall weather and leaves for what they are. A beautiful reminder of how life and seasons change for the better, even if I know the cold of winter isn't so far away. Without ever trying to look too far ahead, I know after the drab winter months, the green leaves and grass returns for another warm season. I mention often how the seasonal changes are fun for me because I can examine my feminine wardrobe and update it for the season ahead, Something I was always jealous of the cis-women around me during most of my life. I represented the drab winter too much it seemed while the women were able to explore new colors and fashions when the seasons changed. 

I guess you can say, I paid my seasonal fashion dues the difficult way and can now try to enjoy my new feminine transgender life. I view it this way, I lived nearly sixty years as a man and now I have lived over ten years as a transwoman. I had a lot of catching up to do. All the cross dressing in the world couldn't make up for the fact I couldn't take the final step and transition. The only good feelings I could take away from all my crossdressing experiences in the world were, at the least, I leaned many lessons of what I was getting myself into when I left the male world and entered the world of women. It wasn't easy as I needed to learn to play in the girl's sandbox before I earned my way in.