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| JJ Hart, Trans Ohio Conference. |
Yesterday, I referred again to my initial explorations in my mom’s clothes as the way I started my gender journey, and you may have done it too. Or some of you may have had a sister or two to borrow clothes from or even better get dressed up as a girl for Halloween in your past.
My point is that initially we follow very similar paths on
our gender journeys without ever meeting up until later in life. Possibly at
one of the cross dresser-transgender mixers which used to occur and still do in
places such as Provincetown and Harrisburg Pennsylvania who host major events
so you can experience living as your feminine self for an extended period of
time. Plus, if you live near a city/metro area of any size, often there are
LGBTQ groups who host support groups for novice cross dressers to attend which
helps them understand a little more what they are up against with their gender
issues. For example, Cincinnati, where I live has several gender support groups
which cater to different ages in the community.
No matter how you reach out to seek relief from your closet,
no one way is the right way to do it. For example, I would not recommend how I
came out into the world as a transfeminine person to anyone. I took too many
chances in sketchy gay venues as well as drinking way too much. I was caught in
a situation where alcohol gave me too much courage while at the same time
convinced me how good I looked. Both of which nearly got me into serious trouble
a couple of times when I pushed the envelope too far by trying to go to redneck
leaning venues. I was fortunate that I did not get physically harmed but I did
not.
It was about that time when I began to notice how much more attention,
I was getting from ciswomen than men. I think for the most part, the women were
curious about what I was doing in their world, and I was harmless dressed the
way I was. Slowly, I began to think I was on the right path after all when I
started to enjoy myself.
For the longest time, I thought my next move into the
lesbian culture was relatively rare when it came to the transgender community
until I received another comment from “Bobbie W.” It turned out she was
influenced by two lesbians when she was exploring the world too. Sadly, the
difference in our paths came when her two friends moved away after school and
Bobbie lost her contacts in the lesbian world. On the other hand, my difference
was I never lost contact with their world and learned so much about the woman I
could become. I became so serious with one of the lesbians I met, that I moved
in with her and we got married. We have been together for over a decade now.
Another point I want to make with being accepted by the lesbian
culture is you have to try to enter their world with a thick skin and prepare yourself
for rejection. You also have to understand the layers of difference in their
culture from “butches” to “femmes” and everything in between. Also be aware
there are “Gold Star” lesbians who are completely against everything male versus
the rest of the culture who had made it with a man in their past and had a very
bad experience. One of my friends was a “Gold Star” and always held me at arm’s
length while the others, including my wife Liz had children through previous soured
relationships.
Maybe also, you think that since you went to all this trouble
to be a transgender woman, why waste it on another woman and you want a man. Since
I have had very little experience with men over the years, I am a bad one to
ask. For the most part, men have steered clear of me, and I have steered clear
of them. I did have a couple of dates years ago during my coming out years, but
nothing ever came of them, and they were one night experience dates in very
public venues where I felt safe. Other than a very rare circumstance, I have never
met a trans woman who had a long-term relationship with a man, and I often
wondered how scary it would be if he brought his trans girlfriend home to meet
mom and the family for the holidays. Although I did it with Liz’s highly
conservative dad and brother. (I was terrified).
These days, the possibility of establishing a long-term
relationship exists on a broader spectrum than ever before. I know a couple of transgender
women who met during their gender realignment surgeries five years ago and just
celebrated their fifth anniversary, so anything is possible. Just because your
path does not align with the other gender conflicted people around you, it does
not make it right. As I said, the spectrum has grown bigger over the years with
the advent of the internet influence and social media groups. Although I read
recently the tide is starting to turn back to personal contacts and away from online
dating which I was lucky with. After sorting through tons of trash and rejection
my wife Liz contacted me and we have been together ever since.
Since we are all humans, we share in the vast spectrum of
life we are living. Perhaps since we are transgender women and trans men, we
have a broader spectrum to live with. These days we still have to deal with the
unreasoning anti-LGBTQ political ads which are starting to appear. I saw one
just this morning from Kentucky congressman Thomas Massie who was campaigning
for a right-wing candidate when he said the candidate was not for transgender
they and them but for us. I need to get prepared for the worst that is yet to
come.
Try not to let it all drive you tightly back into your
closet and keep in mind no way is the right way when you decide to come out and
look around.
