It Was All a Dream

Image from Marcos Paulo Prado 
on UnSplash

Similar to so many other transgender women and trans men, when I was young often I woke up sad in the morning after vividly dreaming I was living as my preferred feminine gender. 

Of course, then depression set in when I had to face yet another unwanted day as my old male self. On those days, very little motivated me to get going. Somehow I managed to make it through another day. On the good days, I had figured out how I could sneak around my family's back and cross dress in my small wardrobe and admire myself in the mirror. In the meantime, I tried to study the cis-women (natural born) around me to see if there was anyway I could copy their dress or mannerisms without being too obvious. I was so envious.

It took me years and even decades to figure out how totally reversed my gender dreaming really was. To this day, after living as long as I have as a full time transgender woman, my dreams are still flipped. In other words, most of my dreams still involve me as my old unwanted male self. I'm sure the main reason is the fact proportionately I still have lived the majority of my life in a stressful male world. To be successful I just had to learn the game well. All of which has carried into, and remains a substantial portion of my self-conscious thought. 

Plus, on occasion, I feel as if my entire gender existence has been nothing more than an extended dream. Perhaps it is because for such a long period of time I considered being able to live as a transgender woman was just an impossible dream. Then when I began to leave my mirror behind and break out of my gender closet into the world, I began all the changes I would need to do to live a new fulfilled life. Suddenly my life evolved from just doing my best to appear as a woman, all the way to communicating effectively as a trans woman with other women in the world.   

It was around this time of gender discovery when I started to believe I had my whole life backwards. There were certain aspects somehow I needed to do as a male but overall the other set of experiences I went through could have been lived by my dominate feminine self. I couldn't believe how much easier my life became when I finally gave in to her and let her live. She in essence was telling me she was right all along and she was.

It turned out, my dyslexic self had my gender mixed up also. All along when I  considered myself a male to female cross dresser, in reality I was a female to male cross dresser just trying to survive in an unwanted world. 

Now my past is mostly a dream, some parts good and others bad. Perhaps one of these days my sub-conscious will flip into dominant feminine role too and my dreams will become predominantly feminine in nature. I suppose if that is all I have to complain about, life is good.   

Cyrsti's Condo "Archive Post"

This post was written in November of 2013 and explains a lot about me as a person:

Recently I  butched it up and did some basic rewiring around Cyrsti's Condo. I accomplished what I set out to fix and destroyed my nails in the process of course.  Naturally,  electrical work is not recommended in Cyrsti's basic nail care book!

As I finally finished and had new sources of light for my dim eyeballs, I began to think of my own wiring. First things first,   of course I'm transgender or at the least gender fluid or whatever label you want to attach to me. Then let's not forget about my pesky bi-polar disorder which was actually diagnosed by a therapist I was seeing because of my gender questions. Plus, for a touch of spice, let's throw in my occasional bout with dyslexia. Yes I do start a book or magazine from the back or middle.  Doesn't everyone?

Certainly, I will never find out who was responsible for my wiring job. But dammit I want to blame someone!  Maybe I could start with Mom taking the late 1940's/ 1950's problem pregnancy meds. Some of which have been mentioned as possible links to transgender issues. I can hear her now, "Would you rather be transgender or not here at all? And by the way we can get rid of that trans trash by plugging you into a wall somewhere."

2013

What good would it do me anyhow? Over a half century later I'm fairly sure I won't see a lawyer commercial on the Jerry Springer show screaming if your Mom took Drug XYZ during her 1949 pregnancy and you are trans, call us now for cash!

Oh yeah, did I mention my attention span is so short I can barely read a book or the only time I am truly relaxed is when I'm asleep?

Damn! If I didn't live with me, I would have me committed!!!!

I can only say after I finally came to terms with all my wiring issues, I came to understand why my life was rarely boring!

It's Backwards Both Ways!

I'm afraid you all got a glimpse into the contortions my mind goes through with Mandy and Jen and who was going to L.A.! (And who was already there)  Liz always tells me it's a good thing I'm pretty.  A better answer is, it's a good thing-for the most part I can keep my dyslexia to a low roar, stay in the present and roll through life.

One of my best examples of me being me happened in one of the workshops I sat in on at Trans Ohio, which was for therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists.  All of them attended to get extra degree credits and hopefully understand more about what makes transgender women and men tick. (I wanted to see what made them tick!)  They were licking their chops to get at me when I told them I was bi-polar, dyslexic and happened to be transgender. I would have counseled them for half of what they charge!

Getting back to the point at hand- this was the mix up:

Cyrsti,

To set the record straight, I'm the girl planning to do some sightseeing en-femme in LA early next year... How much and where is still up in the air...

Jen: As time gets closer, and I get further into what I plan to do (and when,) we can revisit this. I'd love to meet you for lunch, if somehow you can get down to the Union Station area...that's where I'll be the day I leave town. Just not sure of the date yet. I'm not brave enough to either drive very far in the city, or try city buses en femme. 

Hopefully this summer will give me enough practice that I can feel more comfortable in my feminine persona. That's something I still need to work on. And I have to view myself from the woman's standpoint, not the man's! Great advice...

Mandy

Jen is the one who works on Hollywood Blvd, very near the Chinese Theater! Whew!!!

I'm going to end this post now while I think I have all of this together.  The bottom line is - even if I'm confused, I still love you all interacting!!!