Affirmation

 

Recently I had a very important reminder of my initial affirmation as a legal female in the world.

It came several years ago when I decided to have as many legal documents as I could changed to reflect my authentic feminine self. One of the major documents I needed changed was my Ohio driver's license. I made sure I acquired all the name change documents plus a letter from my therapist to insure I did not have any problems. The process was scary but exciting because among other things, I needed the picture ID of the license so I could vote. 

It just so happened my license was due to expire just ahead of the all-important election coming up in November so it was important for me not to procrastinate until the last minute so I can cast my vote against tRumpt. 

In many ways, being able to renew my license symbolically was similar to renewing my gender vows with myself. As far as completing the process, it was easy this time because I was already in the system as female and no one questioned me. Probably the most difficult part was having my picture taken because of all the insecurities I feel when it comes to my appearance. For the morning I chose one of my most feminine tops, applied a foundation, eye makeup, lipstick, blush and tied back my hair and was ready to go. I arrived early and only had to wait approximately fifteen minutes before being waited on. 

Even though I knew the process would be nearly painless, for some reason I was still suffering from needless paranoia. I was able to put it all behind me and reaffirm  myself as a legal transgender feminine person. 

Next stop is my upcoming mammogram appointment which is in the process of being scheduled now. I consider mammograms as a slightly unpleasant rite of passage I need to go through since my maternal grandmother died from breast cancer years ago.

Affirmation is good.

Mammogram Done?

Image from the National
Cancer Institute

This morning I went to a prementioned appointment for my yearly mammogram.

I knew going in it is never the most pleasant procedure in the world but very much better than the alternative of having breast cancer. The part of having a mammogram I had forgotten was how much of a contortionist I would have to become. To complete the procedure, the specialist giving the exam must take four pictures of each side or breast of your body. Since I do have mobility issues even to the point of standing sometimes, I needed extra nurses to get through the mammogram last year. 

This year, I managed to complete the process (I think) with the help of just one person. I say "I think" because I have not heard back yet from the hospital yet on the overall findings of the X-rays. So I can't do any celebrations yet until I do.

I think it is vaguely humorous the women in the radiology (X-Ray) department automatically assume since I am a transgender woman I don't know what is going on. The truth is this is actually my sixth mammogram prescribed by the Veteran's Administration because my maternal grandmother passed away years ago from breast cancer. So I am more experienced than they think. 

Other than that I didn't have any problems with not being respected. I wasn't mis-gendered or anything close to it. 

In a later post, If anything negative or hopefully positive happens with the mammogram I will let you know as I consider the entire process a rite of passage as being a transgender woman.

This just in...everything came back with no problems! So I am clear again for another year!

Rites of Passage

Image from the
Jessie Hart
Collection

Yesterday I made the appointment for one of the main rites of passage I have decided to go through as a transgender woman.

What I did was schedule my annual summer mammogram. My Veteran's Administration primary provider (family doctor) always pushes me hard to have a yearly mammogram due to my family history with cancer. My maternal grandmother passed away years ago in the 1950's from breast cancer. I strongly feel because of my history I need to follow up.

If you have never had a mammogram, it is a relatively brief procedure when the nurses put you in a big X-ray machine and provide pressure to take pictures of your breasts. Not a pleasurable experience but a necessary one. Since I often think of the irony I would have to respond to if I did develop any sort of breast cancer as a transgender woman. Also I neglected to mention having to strip down to your waist and wear one of those fashionable (not) hospital gowns. I guess it's no worse than having to strip down for your military draft physical.   

The remainder of the appointment process has normally been very routine. Except for the nurse who aggravated me by asking  if I had any work done "down there". Like it was any of her business. The only other humorous thing which happened when I sat up the appointment was when the reception person was having a difficult time matching my voice on the phone with anyone needing a mammogram. She finally asked me what relation I was to the patient. 

For any number of reasons I consider having a yearly mammogram one of the top of the rites of passage I have had to go through on my gender journey. Others would include the night I decided to see if I could throw my cross dresser or transvestite ideas aside and decide if I could try to live as a transgender woman. From there I went on years later to an even bigger decision. Which was to start hormone replacement therapy. The path that started the breast growth I needed to start having mammograms. 

Hopefully this years test results will be clear of any abnormalities in my breasts so I can face my primary physician with the results. Also I hope I don't have to encounter any more rude nurses with off the wall questions. For the most part, everyone has been nice to me and the VA has handled the payment process without a problem. 

The appointment is scheduled for close to the end of the month so I will have sometime to think about it. Plus, this year, my wife Liz is going with me, so she can handle most of the driving as well as the directions to get there. Always good to have company.  

The Results are In.

 

Photo Courtesy Connie Malone

After a reasonably short wait, my mammogram doctor contacted me and said everything turned out fine and they would see me next year. I take nothing for granted, especially with my health so I was naturally pleased. 

Others are not so fortunate I realize but I didn't remember Connie's wife had the different response from her doctor that no one wants to hear. Here  is Connie's comment:

" It's good to hear that your mammogram went OK.

I will always remember the day, many years ago, when my wife's doctor called the afternoon after her mammogram of earlier that morning. I was at home, all dressed up in my closeted feminine glory, to answer the phone, as my wife was at work. The doctor told me nothing, except that she needed to talk to my wife ASAP, so I was almost certain that she had cancer. I called her work to leave the message that she needed to call the doctor, and then proceeded to withdraw to my locked room and further depression. When she got home early, I was still hiding myself, and I could hear her crying in another room.

This may sound selfish of me, but I had never felt the urge to fully come out to her more than I did at that moment. She knew that I was "cross dressing" and hiding myself, but I had reached the point where my gender identity had far surpassed the activity of cross dressing. Of course, I wanted to be there for her, but, because of my ever-increasing withdrawal, I had become unable to be fully there for her as the husband she so much wanted me to be. That doesn't mean I didn't do my best to try, however, so I quickly de-feminized myself and went out to be with her. That dichotomy of love and guilt/shame has never been so intense for me.

Throughout my wife's radiation treatments, surgery, and chemo, I suppressed my femininity as much as I could. I tried the beard growing technique and began lifting weights. My wife was suffering from her perceived loss of femininity after her surgery (I never thought that she was any less feminine, myself), while I was trying to overwhelm my femininity by letting my testosterone aid in my physical masculinization.

My wife has been cancer-free for many years now and, thanks to reconstructive surgery, still has amazingly perky breasts for a woman in her 70's. I'm so jealous of them, of course, but I'm also happy to have shed the beard and musclebound body that I'd developed. Her attitude toward life changed after realizing that it could be cut short at any time, and I'm sure that is the biggest reason for her acceptance of me being the woman I am today. I don't recommend this method for coming out and transitioning, at all, but I think this proves that happy endings can come from tragedy."

Happy to hear your wife has been cancer free for all those years and thanks for the deeply personal comment. In many ways I consider my transgender transition came from a tragedy also. I'm sure most of you know my story. My un-approving wife passed away quite unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. All of a sudden I was free to pursue being my authentic feminine self. Not the ideal way I wanted to change my life. 

Now, down with the negative, the results are in...on with the positive!