Emergency Room Angst

Having your nails done, in color at least, does represent some sort of no turning back as far as a transgender transition goes.  Here are a couple of stories. One from me and one from Connie. Mine was less painful.

Years ago, I was in a hurry to make a payment on my car and I forgot my nails were done. It turned out I was short on time and needed to make the payment before I was penalized with a late charge, so I decided to pay it anyhow. I was already on HRT and my hair was tied back in a pony tail. In those days, I was relatively androgynous looking anyway, so why not.

The woman who took my money sort of smiled when she saw my hands but that was it. It turned out not long after the day, I was able to pay my loan off and moved away, never to see her again anyway. It was during the winter and I didn't forget my gloves when I went in to make my final payment. Through the whole affair, nothing was said.

Connie's story is a bit more complex and refers to the Cyrsti's Condo post "Burgundy Dreams."
"Well, since nail polish has no gender, I guess it's for whomever wants it! I often see couples getting pedicures together - even whole families. I have yet to see a man by himself, though. 

This reminds me of when I was still but dipping my painted toe to test the waters of transition. A number of years ago, I had an experience that was seminal to my finally accepting myself for who I was. Because my cash flow had become so sporadic (I only worked as my male-self, but was only presenting that way about 15% of the time), I was behind on paying my water bill. The utility company sent out a technician to either collect or shut off my water, but I was afraid to answer the door with my female presentation. By the time I "undid" myself to stop it, the tech had done his work at the meter. I was told that I could pay with a credit card over the phone, and the tech would return to unlock my meter that afternoon - but I had to be there when he was. So, to make sure I wouldn't miss him, I decided to do some work outside. I was up on a ladder, that I had put up in haste, when he showed up, and so that worked out OK, and the water was back on. Not long after he left, though, the ladder slipped out from under me, and I crashed to the surface of the deck, hitting my head on a ladder wrung. My neighbor heard it, and ran over to help. 

Long story short, I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance because I had concussion symptoms. The first thing they did in the emergency room was to remove my clothing, and when they got to my socks, there were my freshly polished toenails, exposed for all to see! I joked that I was outed now, but the nurses were completely ambivalent. 

So, I learned a lot that day. Painted toenails are nothing compared to a serious injury. Had I not been afraid to answer the door to pay a bill that wouldn't have been overdue in the first place, if I'd just been living my life earnestly, none of this would have happened. Within weeks, I had secured work as my feminine-self, and I never hesitated to open my front door again. Eventually, I also learned that, although coming out requires the opening of a door, keeping it open allows for others to come in, as well."

Very profound! Thanks :)

Burgundy Dreams?

Sunday turned out to be the pick day to go get our nails done again. This time I did away with the red and went with a deep tone of burgundy.

I was fortunate in getting the same nail tech I had last time. She does a good job and speaks enough English I can understand her. Plus, this time around, I started to calm down and enjoy the experience.

During my visit I couldn't help but notice an older man and his wife getting pedicures. His wife looked totally ill at ease, so I couldn't help wondering if there wasn't more to the story. At any rate, I heard him proudly claim he didn't want any color on his toe nails and why wasn't there nail polish for men. I was thinking he could have gone for some sort of clear coat but he didn't.

At any rate, I am finally getting to the point where I can calm down and really enjoy the experience. Even without the distractions.

Landslide

For know of you who don't know , Cincinnati, Ohio (where I live) is a very hilly city on the shores of the Ohio River.

Last night was the scheduled transgender - cross dresser support group meeting I somehow have become a mainstay attendee.

Yesterday though, due to the heavy rains we have seen, my route to get there on a highway which curves along the river was closed due to a landslide. Plus we were expecting a wintry mix ahead of an arctic vortex Wednesday and Thursday, so I decided not try my hand at a tricky detour to get there. I figured too, the rest of the group could muddle on without me.

 So, I lost the chance for yet another post about the group.

Later on in the week though, we will have another chance to go to the monthly karaoke social and undoubtedly get invited out Saturday night too. So, I'm sure, I will have gossip to pass along to all of you.

This weekend too, thanks to Ohio weather, we are expecting temperatures near sixty. A change over three days of approximately 60 degrees (F). It's no wonder everyone is sick!

Now I have to head back to my wardrobe. It's going to be a challenge to find enough layers for the cold and not look like a Pillsbury snow girl!

"Mo" Military

In reply to our Cyrsti's Condo discussion about serving in the military, Connie mentioned her deceased brother in law (who served in the infantry) didn't hold it against her for not serving. To that, Michelle replied:

2. 
   Michelle HartJanuary 26, 2019 at 10:20 AM

   "Connie, as your Brother in law said you had nothing to feel guilty about not serving. It's people like the Rump that has to apologize. As for outing yourself, unless you had documentation (something that was really hard to get back then) you might have been looked at as just another individual that was trying to get out of serving. I watched a guy wearing women's underwear get accepted because he didn't have a note from his doctor. Just a little background on me, my number was 72 in 1970 but I joined to at least give myself a little choice in how I would serve. I also joined because of the thought that the military would make a man out of me and end my GD. I can honestly state that it didn't chance anything except my choice in clothing during my on duty time.
   
   As Cyrsti discovered, the down the road benefits would come in handy. I am fully covered for medical by the VA and have discovered many of the benefits from service organizations that most would not qualify for."
3. I was engaged at the time Michelle and my fiance basically gave me the ultimatum...it was her or the Army, She knew of my cross dressing at the time, so she fully expected me to try to get out of serving by telling them I was a cross dresser and even possibly gay. My number was 27, and I was not in any position to try to get a doctor's excuse.  It was not as easy as walking into the draft board in drag. 
4. Although I didn't labor under the impression military service would "make me a man", I did hope the whole experience would decrease my dysphoria and make me more macho to the outside world.  No, it didst decrease my dysphoria but the macho part worked. 
5. FYI, Michelle is no relation (I don't think) but thanks for the comment!

II

Dysphoria?

Liz's martial arts banquet was Friday and my eldest grandson's birthday party was Saturday. Both turned out to be fun events.

As I wrote about previously, I wore my newest fave outfit. I was warm, comfortable and relaxed. It turned out I received very little attention from anyone in particular. Even the food was good. No rubber chicken this year. The presenters kept the evening moving too, so we were able to leave an hour or so earlier than expected.

Saturday, the birthday party was very enjoyable. The small family gathering was genuinely happy to see us. Since it was the first time they had seen me with my new hair, I was complimented several times. Again, the food and company was good.

It wasn't lost on me how comfortable I felt all weekend. For the first time in my life, dysphoria didn't have a chance to creep in and destroy what I was doing.

Of interest, I was talking about my hair stylist's transgender son being outed in his new school. It turns out he did a modeling layout in a local magazine and somehow they found out about his feminine past. Now he is experiencing problems with his new friends at school. I told my daughter definitely being transgender was the gift which keeps on giving.

Right now mine is gifting me.   

Change in Plans

Due to sub zero (Fahrenheit) temperatures, I have decided to change the outfit I was going to wear tonight to something more weather appropriate. The sleeveless glittery top is out and my new black sweater I got for Christmas is in. The black pants are out and one of the sets of patterned leggings are in. Finally, the black flats are out and the new black boots are in, since we still have snow on the ground.

On the bright side, Liz is working on a new black and gold bracelet for me to wear. I plan on wearing my crystal necklace and matching ear-rings.

I can dress the outfit up even further with my one and only fancy black beaded bag which I save for special occasions. I was also interested to learn there is another transgender person (man) in the group as well as a closeted cross dresser.

Last year, the food was good and there was no rubber chicken, so I am looking forward to the evening.

I Served

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 23, 2019 at 3:25 PM

"As one who narrowly missed being drafted in the 1970 lottery (somehow bypassing me, with a 122, on the way to a final 125 for that year), I seriously considered the possibility of outing myself if called. I still don't know if doing so would have been cause to be unfit for military service (I mean, it wasn't as if I had a bone spur!), but I was happy that I didn't have to find out.

Instead of living with only the shame and guilt that was my gender dysphoria, though, I added to it a guilt that I had escaped the draft for any reason. Years later, when I spoke of my guilt for not "doing my duty" to my infantry veteran brother-in-law, he told me that there was nothing for me to feel guilty about. This is the same man who did a 180 in his attitude after I came out, by the way. He died, a few years ago, of a cancer that the doctors suspected to be a result of his exposure to agent orange.

I have removed myself from any guilt for both my gender identity and escaping the draft. It has been replaced with an admiration for all those who are living their authentic (gender) lives, and those who have served our military. A special blessing for those who do both!

Whether or not my gender dysphoria would have dismissed me in 1970, it's interesting that the military, in 2019, definitely would. Of course, "don't ask/don't tell" works just as it did before."

Little did I know all the turmoil leading up to being drafted would pay so many dividends down the road. The biggest one of course was my daughter, as I met her mother (a WAC) in the Army. And farther down the road, I have taken advantage of educational assistance to earn another college degree plus I have utilized much needed VA health care for nearly eight years now. 

Yes, my major battle too was with my MtF gender dysphoria which I tried to cover through self medication. All of which is a trade I would have gladly made then, if i had only known.

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother in law, I had several friends who were never the same after returning from Vietnam. Plus one who never returned at all.

Another consideration many people don't think about is the percentage of transgender troops who serve firmly in the closet.  It turns out even I ended up knowing another trans person indirectly when I served.  It's a tragedy now more transgender women and men have the potential to be turned away  from the military.

Especially at the direction of a draft dodger who didn't serve at all.

No Surprise

The Supreme Court decision to uphold resident rump's ban on transgender troops came as no real surprise.

After all, rump and his minions have had the chance to appoint different conservative leaning judges recently. 

Not to be too negative with this last circumstance, the whole matter seems to open up a whole new fight for transgender rights in this country.

Of course, also, the whole matter is still being mulled around in the lower courts but the fact remains this ruling could open the flood gates at the Supreme Court which goes against LGBT rights in this country. Wait till the courts come after all those smug cis gay men.

Probably, what is most disconcerting to me are the number of transgender women I know (some of which are even vets) who still support rump. Perhaps I can understand the number of cross dressers who are, because they probably figure they don't have a dog in the hunt anyhow.

Finally, I feel sorry for the transgender troops who are serving our country now in these times of uncertainty. They have been sold out by their country.

TGIF?

In yesterday's Cyrsti's Condo post concerning what was coming up socially this week, I totally forgot about Friday.

It is Liz's semi-formal martial arts banquet. Basically, I plan on wearing the same outfit I wore to the transgender-cross dresser Christmas party. My red sequined sleeveless top and a pair of silky/slinky black slacks. It should work well with my black flats.

The banquet itself is a mixed bag of good and less than good for me. Nearly everyone who goes gets an award of some sort (which is fine) except quite a few spouses like me.

As we roll through the names, I plan on having a cup of coffee or two to stay in the game!

The best thing about this year is, I am much more confident of myself and really love my new hair which combines to make the whole evening more pleasurable

The picture is from the Christmas Party. This time I plan wearing a "restraining" garment underneath the top to smooth out the whole look. Or, hide the fact I have not lost the "holiday" weight I gained. Of course the hair will be different and the breasts are all mine. Thanks HRT!


.

Damn it's Cold!

We have been experiencing wind chill temperatures down around minus twenty degrees Fahrenheit. A great time to be retired and not have to do much of anything at all.

It is also Martin Luther King Day, so all the federal offices (and some business) will be closed today too.

As far as a blog post goes, nothing much is happening either. It's a quiet week until we get to Saturday and a trip to celebrate my eldest grandson's birthday. He will be sixteen this year. It's always a fun event as my daughter's immediate and extended family are very supportive of me.

At some point in time, I have to decide what I am going to wear, although it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

This time of year too, our totally unpredictable Ohio weather comes into play. The weather peeps are predicting temperatures will rebound into the forties by tomorrow with a chance of flurries again Wednesday and Saturday. So we shall see what happens. 

And, by the way, thanks to all who sent along kind comments on my new hair!

Hair...Part II

Saturday morning dawned gray, cold and very rainy. In fact, we are supposed to get two inches of rain during the day today before the temperatures drop and we get freezing rain and snow.

My dilemma this morning was trying to keep my new hair-do dry. The solution turned out to be a wide scarf Liz has which made a great way to shield myself from the rain. Or, more correctly, my hair.

We made it to her martial arts class fairly dry and then in and out of another store we stopped at with no problems. Then we came home for the day. We have decided not to accept the invitation to join some friends tonight for dinner out. Due to the weather.

Before we settled in too far though, I persuaded Liz to take the time to take a picture or two of my new hair.

Give me a Head of Hair

With all respect to the "Aquarius" hippie musical, little did I know the challenges I would face as I transitioned and grew into my own hair.

The first problem I faced was not being able to see the back of my head. All of the sudden I had to learn to use a mirror to see all of my hair on my noggin. Then you have to figure out how to style it and color it to optimize your skin color. An example is, the colors of red or auburn I colored my hair were all wrong when compared with my ruddy skin color.

The second problem for me was being able to afford the process of having my hair cared for in a salon. The highlighted hair I first had done ended up costing me about 150 dollars per month, which I couldn't afford for years.

Finally, I ended up investing in my hair. I got it cut and trimmed into a new more flattering style (I hope.) And, today, I took a giant and expensive step into getting the color redone. So now. my naturally gray roots can slowly grow into and take over the rest of my hair. My appointment today cost 175 dollars (with tip) but I don't have to come back for two months for a sixty dollar appointment to get my hair trimmed up again.

Just more thing to consider, if you are thinking of transitioning and you can wear your own hair. I am fortunate I can and I never take it for granted. In fact, I look at the whole process as more than a little Karma payback for the time I spent in the Army with really short hair in an era of long hair on men.

That was then though and this is now and as my stylist and Liz were pointed out today, being a woman is not cheap! (Or easy...Connie)

It's a Process

Last night was an overall fun evening for Liz and I. The transgender-cross dresser "social club" dinner was well attended with 24 attendees. All of them dressed for the occasion and very few over did it. Also there were four new members, including one young trans guy. We were having such a good time (and Liz had today off) that we decided to make a night of it and go to a nearby small LGBTQ bar for a couple more drinks. Unfortunately for me, there weren't any lesbians to speak of in the bar. I always love me some lesbians!

Outside of Liz's cross dressing admirer trying to move in on me when I was in the bathroom at the first restaurant, we had a great time.

For all you fashionista's, I have nothing really exciting to report. I do my best to "under-dress" the cross dressers in the group. Reflecting the fact I live in a feminine mode full time. So, I just wore my paisley patterned leggings, black boots, black sweater and a nice necklace Liz made me.  I also paired the outfit up with my one of a kind weathered retro canvas bag I bought about six months ago at a arts fair. Finally, I  threw on my black leather jacket and we were on our way.

The most rewarding part of the evening was when I was referred to as "she." It happened so fast, I am sure the server and bartender didn't have a chance to think about it. It was incredibly natural.

Speaking of incredibly natural, I think I achieved new heights as far as my never ending worries about my hair goes.  My hairdresser did an incredible job today...which I will get into in my next post. 

New Acquaintances?

Both support group meetings this week resulted in meeting new transgender folks with an occasional cross dresser mixed in.

Most were very shy and uncommunicative, but others were outgoing too. One in particular reminded me of a trans girl I used to hang out with years ago. Another was a delightful more mature pan-sexual cis woman who shared her recent experiences coming out in the LGBTQ community.

At both meetings, I shared experiences about Liz and how she helped kick me totally out of the closet. Of course (being me), I did things backwards. Friends had to convince me finally to accept myself as a feminine being. I was torturing myself living three or four days as a guy, then three or four as a woman. It ultimately led to me trying to kill myself.

It must have been a powerful message in one group, since my therapist made a special phone call to thank me for participating.

Switching topics now (slightly), we will have a chance to meet a few other new transgender and/or cross dressers tonight. We have decided to go to the group Thursday social for the first time.  It also gives us a chance to try out a new restaurant.

Of course tomorrow (Friday) is hair day for both Liz and I and a chance to decide if I want it colored or not. It will be a "game time" decision depending on if Liz is going to have her's colored or not. If she doesn't, it leaves a coloring spot I could possibly have.

Finally, Saturday we have an invitation to go out and meet a couple friends. However, we are expecting another big weekend storm before record cold temperatures set in, so it is doubtful we will be able to go.

The "joys" of an Ohio winter!

Narcissism?

Perhaps narcissism in reverse as I finally posted a picture of me on Facebook from 2007...goatee and all.

At last night's cross dresser-transgender support group meeting, one of the attendee's said the picture (of me) represented one of the more remarkable Mtf gender transitions she had seen so far in the wave of before and afters which have been appearing.

I used to have it among other timeline transition pictures on a separate Cyrsti's Condo page, which I recently put back up. It's on the lower right hand side of the blog under a section called "Cyrsti's Condo Rooms".

Never being a big fan of my pictures, I took it down.

So, collapsing to peer pressure of sorts, here is an attempt at a before and after picture.   As I wrote, the top one is from 2007 when I weighed in at close to 280 pounds and was very unhappy. Since that time, I have managed to shed and keep off, close to fifty pounds.

To coin a tern, what a long strange trip it's been!

Building a Monument

Over the years here in Cyrsti's Condo, we have discussed going to the grocery store. I admit, as cross dresser stories go, I am more than a little boring once I entered my full time transgender phase of living feminine full time. I can't remember the time I went to run errands in anything else than my usual leggings or jeans.

One of the fun things about being feminine is, you are not tied into one style or another. As Connie points out:

"While you are bracing yourself for a snow storm, I am lucky enough to have some actual sunshine and moderate temperatures in the forecast here in Seattle - No rain until the middle of next week! It prompted me, yesterday, to take a look in my closet at those items I rarely wear. I played "dress-up" for a while before deciding to wear a black jean pencil skirt that is different in that it is very high-waisted, hemmed below the knee, but with a slit in the front that extends modestly up the thigh. I wore black tights underneath (in keeping with the season), and a sort-of cropped jacket over a cami on the top. What shoes to wear was a problem because of the different lengths I was wearing, and I decided that heels would be best. I dug out a pair of some old standbys that I hadn't worn in years, but still love despite the fact that they are 5" platform wedges that a woman of my age might shy away from. Still, they are very nice leather Steve Madden's, and I can walk just fine in them (especially having to take the shorter strides necessary while wearing a pencil skirt.

OK, I'll admit that this outfit might have been something from my cross dressing wardrobe of old, but I felt quite confident in my presentation as the woman I am. The 5" heels put me at six-feet, two-inches, but my overall look was proportional, and I don't really feel self-conscious about my height anymore.

Needing to do a little grocery shopping, I thought about ending my dress-up fun, and to change into my regular jeans-look. Seeing the sun shining outside my window, though, I was reminded what had prompted me to choose the outfit in the first place. So, off I went to the grocery store.

As I entered the store, I noticed that I had caught the eye of a middle-age man at the far end of the checkout stands. As I walked toward the shopping carts, he left his wife at the stand to walk toward me. There was a seasonal display to my right (Valentine's Day already?!?), which I diverted my attention toward, so as not to have to confront this man. He stopped, though, right in front of the carts, so I was forced to face him after a few awkward seconds. He looked me straight in the eye, and in a slow and deliberate manner said, "M'am-You-are-(uh-oh, I thought; here it comes)-a-very---MONUMENTAL WOMAN." Since I'd never heard that one before, I was a bit taken aback, and I'm sure that my cheeks turned a color far beyond pastel. "Monumental, well thank you (I think)," I sheepishly answered. As he walked away toward the door, his wife was passing me with her groceries. She was much shorter than her six-foot husband, and so even much more short than I, and she looked up at me with the biggest smile on her face, telling me to have a wonderful day.

I'm still not sure what the man meant by "monumental," but it was followed by "woman," and that's good enough for me! At any rate, I've decided that the weather should not have to dictate what I wear, necessarily, and that it feels good to climb out of the rut once in a while. Changing up our wardrobe choices is one of the privileges we women have; something we may often forget in our day-to-day lives. We do have the power to brighten our own day!"

I have never heard that one either! But, since I can't wear heels, I am pretty much stuck at my given height of 5'11 inches. I normally see several women as tall as I am, just not as thick in the torso of course. 

Busy Week

As luck would have it, or as "Momma Nature" will allow, it's going to be a busy week coming up.

Beginning today (Sunday) Liz and I are going to a group meeting concerning this year's Witches Ball. It should be interesting since the woman who basically has been running the show, has been making a power grab to do more. Essentially taking the lead organization out of it. It should be fun! Sometimes I love a good confrontation :).

Monday and Tuesday, I have cross dresser-transgender support group meetings. Normally, I run into some interesting people at one or the other of the meetings. Ironically, I have been meeting more and more trans men at these events.

Wednesday, it's ride along day with Liz as she goes to one of her medical appointments.

Friday, it's time for my much awaited appointment to my hair stylist. I am still (and will) be debating on whether to re-color my hair yet. Most of the decision will have to do with Liz deciding if she wants to give up her coloring appointment and giving it to me. It's more or less a double appointment time wise for a coloring.

Finally, Saturday we are invited to a dinner at the Italian venue we have been going through. It will be weather permitting again though since we are expecting another major weather system next weekend.

I love a busy week!

Winter Pastels?

Since the burst of holiday color has faded now and the drab grays of winter have set in in my part of the world, I am always looking for a brighter color or two in my wardrobe. Of course a sweater is the best way to go. It provides warmth and color at the same time.

This morning, as I was listening to the weather forecast calling for the first sizable snow of the winter, I found this sweater on "Fabulous After 40" which brightened my day. You can see several more by following the link.

I hope they brighten your day too!

Cyrsti's Condo "Thought of the Day"

I found this on Twitter and thought I would send it along to all of you.

Break out of your closet in 2019!

Passing Thoughts?

Actually I like the word "presenting" better than "passing" when it comes to describing one's feminine appearance.

Also, the term is way over used anyhow but is it a natural phenomena or not? After all, the world operates to a large extent on appearance. I remember going to a very small rural school growing up with basically the same kids all the way from first to ninth grade. The most attractive kids basically formed a clique which lasted all the way.

Unfortunately, we transgender women still have a tendency to over rate ourselves when it comes to appearance. Instead we need to rely on our inner confidence to show the world who we really are. Always remember, the majority of cis women in the world don't have the benefit of being physically beautiful either but do the best they can with what they inherited.

Equally as bad is when we all get set up for failure by the cross dressers and/or novice trans women who often think dressing trashy is sexy and never present well.

The bottom line though is well represented by the quote above.  Thanks to Jill for sending it along! 

Acceptance?

Here in Cyrsti's Condo recently I have been discussing the cis-woman who can't seem to leave me alone and while she is doing it, has been leaving me snarky comments about my hair,

Most certainly, we all experience different levels of acceptance from cis-women. After all, we have taken the time and effort to enter their world.

As I so often do, I will let you read Connie's opinion on the whole situation:

Connie

"As much as we'd like to be considered part of the club, the amount of acceptance by other women will always vary. Beyond that, their motives are not necessarily the same, either. Some women may be accepting because it's the PC thing to do. Others, seeing a trans woman, seem to want to change us (possibly, just as they want to change a man). Whereas these "changers" would not think of doing so with another cis woman, a trans woman could be seen as needing some help - and these women believe that they are the ones who can give it. Some do so with some tact, while others are just plain blunt. Then, there are some women who are more subversive and catty in letting one know what they think about her appearance (these women probably don't care if you're trans or not; they are just bitches).

I think that I stopped socializing with the oft-mentioned local cross dresser group, mostly because of their requirement that we all be totally accepting of each other. Nobody would dare suggest to someone that they do something that might improve their presentation. When the officers of the club voted to ban one of the members from joining the others when in public, though, I stopped showing up, myself. I could have been the next one out for being a bitch about it, but I thought it best to just bite my tongue. Soon thereafter, another group of cis women with whom I was associated ousted a member because she had raised objections for my inclusion. I was told that the woman was jealous of me, and she did not like being shown up by my presentation. 

All in all, I would rather suffer the scrutiny of cis women than the condescension of the trans group. Whether or not things are said to my face, though, I know that there are always things said behind my back. How do I know? Because I've heard things about others when they're not around. Welcome to the club!"

As I have often written about, one of my first rude awakenings to dealing with other women, was discovering how complex the layers are within the feminine experience. I learned relatively quickly to look for and/or expect a knife in the back from certain cis-women. 

Acceptance was not always as easy as it seemed. 

Surprise!

The other day I inadvertently stumbled upon a cross dresser in Liz's martial arts group. It all happened on Facebook when he showed up in a post about how to go to one of the cross dresser - transgender socials...In male mode. Plus, if you are familiar, he kept showing up in my friends suggestions.

I was surprised since I don't remember seeing him at any of the support meetings. or socials.

I give him all the credit in the world for being able to come out and be who he is!

Liz actually took the time to talk to him. She asked who he knew in the group but he sidestepped the question and wouldn't say. Liz did say he didn't seen overly embarrassed by the questions.

Concerning me, he has never (to my knowledge) even side glanced at me.

Maybe he will now.

The Aftermath

Sunday, I did see the woman I have referred to as the "Prodder" or even "Mom" in recent posts. Predictably, after saying hello, she said I was a good looking "chick" BUT what was I going to do about my hair? I politely explained again, I would know more in a couple weeks when I go to the salon. Then I quickly moved across the room.

The salon appointment will be interesting because Liz has time booked to get her hair colored which she may not want to do now. So, I could move in and take the coloring appointment. The only problem is, I don't know what color I'm leaning towards. On the other hand, I will have the two women I respect the most (appearance wise) on hand to give me advice. If I can do it, or should according to my "advisers" I think I want to stay on the lighter side for a change with my hair.

Yesterday was my therapist appointment, anymore she just seems to zone out when she sees me and I don't really have any serious issues to discuss. We just talked about how much fun New Years Eve was and how much fun it wasn't interacting with the "Prodder".  She did bring up a good point saying sometimes it's just a difficult learning process how women treat each other.

In fact, I have a couple of comments to pass along on the subject:

1. 
   "FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 6, 2019 at 2:45 PM

   "It always breaks down to mother issues, it seems. Knowing that, you have saved a lot of money for Psychoanalyst's bills! :-)
   
   Don't be shy about telling her you do not like being touched, if she should try it again. Otherwise, you will have to be on a literal retreat."
2. 
   Paula GoodwinJanuary 7, 2019 at 9:23 AM

   "I'm still coming to terms with how differently women relate to each other compared to men. I can find it most confusing when some of the people I am interacting with look like women, but behave like men."
3. Fortunately, my therapy bills are free through the Veteran's Administration! Also, I have a tendency to forget how true it is gender stereotypes are on a spectrum too. Cis women have a tendency to get more aggressive in their later ages as their estrogen decreases and testosterone has more of an impact on them. 
4. Thanks for the comments!

What's Coming Up?

Following the somewhat frenetic holiday period, things are settling down around here.

Tomorrow though, Liz and I are spending  Sunday with our social group participating in what amounts to a spiritual retreat of sorts. I was looking forward to it totally until I found out my former nemesis was going to be there. You may recall the one I referred to as the "Prodder", she wouldn't stay out of my space.

After I began to think about her, I felt I shouldn't be so negative, she reminds me quite a bit of my Mother. FYI, my Mom passed away years ago and was not supportive of my transgender self. So I never had any inkling at all at how a real "mother/daughter" relationship would be. I was never one of the fortunate ones whose Mom's somewhat supported my feminine side.

In fact, the more I think about it, our interaction about my hair (for example) would be exactly what my Mom would say. If you recall, I am letting my hair return to it's natural shade, before we decide to color it again. The "Prodder" pulled no punches as she attacked my soft gray roots, as opposed to silver gray hair which I am against having too. In a couple more months, I will have the chance to choose any color from a soft brown to a blond. It will be worth the wait.

As far as "Mom" went, the last time she saw me my final vestiges of red hair were fading, Plus, I was stepping out of a 35 mile per hour wind/ rainstorm and admittedly my hair didn't look it's best. You can bet tomorrow, I will not forget to bring along a spare brush to "tidy up" my hair before I face her. No pun intended.  Although, she will just have to get over my "roots!"

As far as her continual touching goes, I am going to try to separate myself from her as much as possible. 

I wonder if she would mind if I called her Mom?

Stepping Up Your Game

Referring back to a couple of recent Cyrsti's Condo posts, we have discussed in part, the need to "step up your game" in public.

I have always been a proponent of the idea women primarily dress for other women and men are brought along just for the ride. The exceptions of course are special romantic dates, etc.

That is why you see so many women who seemingly don't care about their appearance when placed upon the heightened levels of cross dressers and/or some transgender women.  Two factors (at least) come into play as I see it...time and finances. Very few of us can spend the extra hour it takes to reach a "swank or glam" level to go to the grocery store. Or have the finances to always have the newest and prettiest fashion. Then again, there are women like my daughter who are so busy with her three kids and a job, she is normally very casual in her dress.

When I am going out to a special venue with Liz, I do my best to step up my game and keep up with the "Josie's ".

Then there is the other end of the spectrum...the women of Walmart. For me, it's hard to dress down to their level. I just can't justify shopping in my pajama bottoms and an old sweat shirt of some sort.

Finally...there is this:

No, I did not get this from Connie...it came from Jackie!

The Morning After

Perhaps you caught the Cyrsti's Condo post concerning the New Years Day phone conversation with Connie. Perhaps you didn't catch her return comments. Including the question about what I was wearing: 

Connie Malone

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 2, 2019 at 1:25 PM

"I was joking, of course, when I asked what you were wearing. Hell, I told you that I had awakened on the chair I had plopped into when I got home the night before - still all swanked out from New Year's Eve. Although I did change clothes in order to make a quick grocery run for eggs and milk, I never completely removed the makeup I had applied for the big night (I did have to "rearrange" it, though, as I looked like a raccoon). Actually, since I had gone for the glam look in the first place, what was left after the morning cleanup was about what I normally wear. Anyway, there was a time, many years ago, when I would have had to put on the glam look just to go to the grocery store.

There are two major trans groups here; one for cross dressers that is mainly social, and another that is more for support. My understanding is that the two groups were, years ago, in alliance much more than they have been for the years since I came out. Having attended various meetings and functions put on by both groups, I have seen the general differences: cross dressers dressed to the nines, while those in transition wear the basic jeans and T-shirt. Neither group understands why the other present themselves the way they do. What I find interesting is that I hear the same question from both sides: What are they trying to prove? What makes it funny to me is that, while both sides ask the question, neither believes that they, themselves, are out to prove anything. From my point of view, they are, however.

Both sides are saying, "Look at me," in their respective presentations. While one is seeking acceptance for the ability to outwardly feminize, the other is wanting to be recognized for the ability to be feminine without the frills. I may be generalizing here, but there are extremes that people hold to; whether it be trans issues, politics, sports, or anything else.

So, I started the new year with a left-over modified glam look, jeans and a purple sweater (The U-Dub's color). I doubt that I impressed anyone at the grocery store with the way I looked, and my sweater had no influence on the outcome of the Rose Bowl. But, I wasn't trying to prove anything, anyway."

As you can see, Connie was kind enough to add a picture I could use so you could see where all the thoughtful comments come from. 

A New Year and a New You?

As the reality of a new year settles in, it's time to step back and take a look at steps forward and steps back we have taken in 2018.

One of the nice things I get out of the cross dresser - transgender support group meetings I go to is seeing the members who are just starting out. It takes me back to the days when I was doing the exact same thing. Sometimes though, I marvel at how some of them want to go too fast.

For me at least, learning the ropes of being feminine was very difficult and I am sure some say, I still have a ways to go. I am fairly sure I will always carry a bit of living for 60 years primarily as a guy will linger with me. Perhaps it's a good thing, if I can still appreciate evenings such as New Years Eve as much as I did.

If I could go back to the beginning, I would tell myself to relax and enjoy the journey.

By now, you maybe asking what does that have to do with the New Year?  For me, everything. I look forward to meeting my 70th year head on with a new renewal. I plan on renewing my spirituality, becoming a better person and enjoying the smaller things in life.

To a lesser degree, I plan on taking another look at my wardrobe and refining it to the best of my ability in the coming year. Plus, like so many others, I need to watch my weight (not go up) after the holidays. If you are thinking about your wardrobe too, here is a helpful link you can go to from the Fabulous After 40 blog about age appropriate dressing.

So, the more I think about it, the more the upcoming year is shaping up to be a self improvement year!

Fashion Plate?

Way back in the day, even before I started HRT, I had a couple of serious relationships to consider. As I thought them through though, I had to consider how the other person would accept me out of cross dressing mode. Remember, I was still wearing wigs back then and still had no hair removal on my face. (Still don't.)  I finally had the courage to choose one of the two possibilities and let the chips fall where they may.

What happened was, of course, is I went with Liz and so far have lived happily ever after. As far as my physical presence is concerned, estrodial/estrogen and spiro lowering my testosterone have helped to feminize  my appearance. Probably the biggest thing was being able to wear my own hair.

Yesterday, I called Connie before the Rose Bowl football game, since the "combatants" were in our backyards (so to speak)...The Ohio State University and Washington. During the conversation, Connie asked if I was decked out in fan wear and/or what was I wearing. Good point!

When I crossed over the gender frontier in my Mtf gender transition, slowly but surely I needed to make decisions on what kind of a woman I was to become. Was I going to be a blend of what I saw in everyday women around me, or a cross dressers dream fashion plate.

Let's say yesterday and most days, my fashion plate is very empty and I hang out in sweats, if I am not going to see anyone. If I am going out, I can dress in anything from jeans to a glittery red holiday top. As I see it, it's one benefit of being a woman. It's also the benefit from being comfortable and I have nothing to prove with Liz who has seen me all ways possible.

One of these nights, when I go to one of the cross dressers - transgender support meetings, I think I am going to wear my old jeans and sweater. Just because I can and I want to hear them gossip about me.

But then again, I probably won't. Like any other woman, I have an image to uphold...in public.

What's Wrong with These People?

Last night of course was New Years Eve and Liz and I had a wonderful time.

We went to two different places rode the new Cincinnati streetcar for the first time, drank some of my early beer favorites and ate some great food too!

First of all, we went to a place called the "MOTR Pub" in a restored downtown Cincy neighborhood called "Over the Rhein". If you didn't know, the City was (and is) heavily influenced by it's German past. The nice thing about the bar is, in it's Facebook page, it list's itself as transgender and LGBTQ friendly. The picture to the right is a coaster of one of the beers I was drinking which is now being brewed again.

From the "MOTR" we rode the streetcar down to the Ohio River front and our next stop. It's called the "Moerlein Lager House" and was voted last year as Ohio's top brewery. It sits between a historic bridge and the baseball stadium where the Reds play.

Moerlein is where Liz and I have gone (off and on) for the past five years to celebrate our first New Year's Eve together.

While we were there, the most amazing thing happened. Nobody paid me any attention! Even when I had to go to the women's restroom twice when I was there. What's wrong with those people?

I'm kidding of course, I was deeply humbled when I never had to worry about an occasional stare or snicker here and there.

I was wearing my new black sweater, boots and patterned leggings I so love. The sweater falls loosely over my hips, the leggings accentuate my legs and the whole outfit works to make me appear slimmer than I am.

All in all, it was a magical evening with my partner Liz.

If you were able to go out, or stay in and celebrate quietly, I hope you had the chance to pause and reflect on the past year and the one coming up.