Taking a Break from the Elephant?

 

No more Elephants! JJ Hart,

Taking a break from the elephant? I guess finally I am.

This morning, with groceries running low in the house, my wife Liz and I decided to run out in the rain to our nearby coffee shop to grab coffee and a breakfast snack. Since I was not anticipating meeting anyone else in the world, I just grabbed my purse and headed out the door with Liz. No makeup or anything since we were just going through the drive through. When we returned home and in a dry space, it occurred to me that I had retired the elephant in the closet of my life.

Excuse my language, but that damn elephant has always been a part of me for as long as I can remember. It was somehow a part of every decision I made. I could not take a break if I wanted to. If I was on a vacation with my second wife, I could not relax because I was thinking so much how I would feel if I could do it as a woman. Usually, after the vacation was over, I just wanted to get back to work to take my mind off the elephant in the room…my transgender issues.

I finally came to a point when I quit worrying about who I was gender-wise. I was just me and that had to be good enough. Surely though, I needed a lot of help to make it to that point in my life. I was deeply insecure about my transfeminine self and needed whatever public reassurance I could get. More than not, the reassurance came from having no feedback at all when I was out in the world. No laughing or staring to ruin my entire experience. I just could not take any sort of break until I became better at my public presentation all the time. I was still two people trying to come together.

All of this extended over to my writing which at this count is over seven thousand posts over ten years on one platform I write on. On occasion, I go back through my earlier posts to see what if there were any changes there were.  When I did, I was amazed at how centered in I was on my feminine appearance and not much else. I still had not learned what the elephant in the room was trying to tell me, there was so much more to being a woman than my appearance. I could not take a break until I learned that ciswomen lead a more difficult, layered life than men, and I needed to adjust and do better if I was ever going to really succeed.

I don’t think I truly conquered all of my fears of merging my worlds together until Liz and I began to take bus tour vacations to various parts of the country. Primarily, when I needed to stand in line for the first time in many years with other women waiting to use the restroom. The entire process tested my new outlook on the world in a space which was considered a women’s only environment. I remembered what I learned from all my past experiences, did what I had to do, washed up and left. With no adverse feedback from any potential haters or bigots. I was just me using the restroom.

With all of that behind me, I began to relax even farther and enjoy all the new scenery the trip had to offer, for the first time as me. I was on my own and to hell with the elephant which had taken up so much room in my closet. Another chapter in my life had been closed. The only break I took was from my daily writing routine, to allow myself a chance to recharge my batteries and hopefully do a better job which I had never been professionally trained at. I just started writing to hopefully help others with similar issues.

These days, since I have retired from my elephant and am still taking a break from all the problems and commotion he caused, sometimes I don’t know how to act. After all, I needed years to rebuild the damage he caused. Taking a break, now, means a lot more to me than just taking a vacation. I am sure before the next adventure we take; I will still feel the same residue from past gender world mishaps I needed to overcome and move forward, but at least I don’t have to ruin my days worrying about it.

It is much easier to pack for a trip for just one person. The only person which really mattered all along which makes taking a break much easier to do.

 

 

Why?

 Why I write I thought may deserve a post or at least a bit of attention.

I have been focused on writing a blog now for approximately ten years following being urged on from my

From my Early Blogging Years

friend Connie Malone, who I share posts with fairly regularity. At the time we were sharing experiences in our worlds which ironically were very close to mine. 

From there on, the whole challenge of writing a blog was having the time to do it and deciding how much I would post to it. Little did I know what I was getting into! Fortunately I am retired and the time to write was not and is not too big of a deal. I was also lucky that when I was in school, I had lessons in writing pounded into my thick noggin. Hopefully it all shows in my writing and allows the long deceased Mrs. Wright happy. She was my teacher in middle school.

Sometimes I think being a writer means you are some sort of a narcissist. After all, who really cares what you think. Especially when you deal with other transgender women or men. In my case, I initially started to write because I hoped my experiences could help others. Sadly, one of the many common issues we face as trans people is how we have to grow into our authentic selves which is often a painful journey. During my journey I have been able to grow my life into my authentic self and live long enough to write about it. 

One of the daily drawbacks of non fiction daily blogging is attempting to find topics to write about. For example have you seen the wonderful in-depth documentary on LGBTQ Pride on the National Geographic Channel? If you haven't and can stream it somehow, it would be worth your time to watch it. 

Now to the best part of writing a blog. The feedback I receive has normally always been positive except the well worn comment "Just another old guy on Hormones." Other than that, I really enjoy all your comments. They all make the days of working my way through massive writers block worthwhile. 

It's also interesting when I go back and read all the earliest posts, they seem to be mainly focused on how I looked and was received in relation to today when I am more focused on the moment. Which probably shows how I have grown in all the years now I have been able to live as my authentic self as a transgender woman.

Finally, thanks to all of you who follow, subscribe to or respond to my posts. You make the entire process so worth it.

     

What's in a Name?

 Often as we go through the stages of a transgender transition, our names go down a similar path.

It's very interesting how we choose our feminine names. My example is my first name I used was Karen. She sat next to me in study hall in junior (middle) school. When I transferred to a much bigger school, I developed crushes on many more girls. Too many to "borrow" their names. 

It's likely the biggest mistake with feminine names I made was when I first started to seriously come out of my closet. I made a habit of naming myself after a persona I created. For example, Roxy was much more flamboyant than Darcy. I learned the hard way all I was doing was confusing the people I met along the way. They were trying to call me by one name when I was attempting to use another. Fortunately I learned to dress to blend and settled in on one name. For awhile. Actually for a long while. 

Shortly before I began to write the blog (ten years ago) I changed my name to Cyrsti. It's pronounced Cristy. I changed the spelling to reflect how a light is redirected when it goes through a crystal. I used the name for years and years until I came out as transgender to my daughter. She accepted me totally except for my name. She was concerned what the three grandkids would call me.

At that point in time, I went back to the name drawing board and came up with a solution. I would rename myself after family figures I looked up to and make it my legal name. I chose Jessie as my first name after my maternal grandfather and Jeanne as my middle name, from my Mom. The kids could just call me JJ.

Then I ran into problems with what I should do with the blog. By that time I already had millions of hits thanks to you all. So I decided to leave it alone and use Cyrsti as sort of a pen name. 

It would be easy if the story ended there but it didn't. 

I write on several different platforms. Blogger, WordPress and Medium. I wish I could tell you all my posts are original to each platform but they are not. I just can't generate that much content. So, Blogger and WordPress are under my Cyrsti pen name and Medium is under my legal name of JJ. 

So if you see me on other platforms, that's the reason for the name confusion!

More Drag Queens

 It turns out, my posts objecting to the domination of drag queens in more than a few of the LGBT Pride events elicited several wonderful comments on the three platforms I am writing on now (Blogger, WordPress and Medium).

Here is one from Michelle: 

" I have to say that you might be a bit wrong about the Queens doing nothing for the community. Connie is right about how most trans women just want to blend in but the Queens help to off set attention so that we can blend in without too much trouble. You have to remember that it was the Queens and gays of the Stonewall riots that brought the subject of trans into the open. That one incident helps so many find that they were not alone in the world.

Yes, Queens are know for looking and acting over the top but one has to remember that they are like that because they are entertainers if nothing else. I also know that many of them don't always dress or act outlandish all the time. Many try to wear "normal" everyday wear most of the time. Unfortunately many still end up wearing the heavy makeup to help hide the male flaws.
I remember when I first met a Queen in the Rittenhouse area of the city. She was both beautiful as well as sometimes outrageous. One thing that she did for me was to help me see what life was like for transgendered individuals back in the 60's. She helped me understand the problems I might encounter through life, many were very accurate, even to this day.
I found a very informative unabridged version of a book chapter from "Trans bodies Trans selves". It's a bit long but well worth the read.
https://www.umass.edu/stonewall/sites/default/files/Infoforandabout/transpeople/genny_beemyn_transgender_history_in_the_united_states.pdf"

Thanks Michelle.