Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Night Has a Thousand Eyes!

Or does it?
Monday's night out was as different as Sunday's was uneventful.
Sunday, I did get a late invite to a jewelry party I couldn't attend due to financial reasons! But the rest of the evening was totally uneventful.
The Monday negative was more humorous than anything. A transphobic security guard who patrols a neighborhood(where I go to a local tavern) and I met up at the door at the same time.  He paused slightly as if to open it for me then shot through and held it for me. It hurt him!
Now, there is a  good uneventful and a bad one.  A bad one is when there is no body out. No possible interactions. A good one is last night when no one gave me a second look in a place where I've had problems presenting in the past. The only person who did was a very plain lady eating by herself across the bar at a table. I could only wonder what she thought of me. She of the short straight mousy brown hair with no make up.  Me with the red curls all over the place. Certainly it was "bitch" or "guy".  She didn't pay me anymore attention so I assume it was "bitch". Plus she didn't follow me to the ladies room for a chat.
Like most females I like to be noticed for my appearance.  The problem is reading admiring glances or the alternative.
If I could only read minds for a couple of chosen hours a week!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Is it Kyra?

Did Kyra Sedgwick really accept her Emmy...or was it a stand in drag queen?

A Picture Tells...

A thousand words? Or is the image a look into your soul?
Can't answer either.
I have noticed many pix of transgendered people do show a profound happiness or sadness.  Normally, there is no in between.
When I post a new picture on my flickr photo 
site I get several comments and connections.  I wonder what you really see or even what I really see.
Sometimes I wonder who is that? Other times I see the real me. I see the other person who resides in my soul. I see a woman who looks amazingly like my Mom. I see attractive or I see male.
Recently, I've had questions asking if all the pictures were of me.
I can understand the confusion. I've been a blond, redhead and brunette. Why? The girl inside has not decided who she is totally. But-
Does the hair color really matter or is it a fun girl thing?
At the end of the day, the picture is only an image. If the day is clear maybe you just might get a look into your soul.
I did.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

My Career in Washington!

I won't tell you how many years ago this occurred . Only that I had a decidedly better figure!
It was "back in the day" when a Halloween party was a rare coming out event.
I believe as a transgendered person you can only do one party with the same people before they start to gossip. If you care.
I got an invite to a classic party in an old Victorian mansion in one of the town's historic districts. At the door was an antique coffin with a very real skeleton observing the guests.
My first wife (who figured that some day I was going to take off and be a girl full time) didn't much care I was going to the party with a female co-worker-dressed like a complete tramp. Halloween is a great time for genetic and TG females to strut their stuff. (Who do they think they are kidding?)
Shaved legs, heels, micro mini dress and long blond hair pretty much described my outfit.
When we arrived, I pretty much didn't say much and I found that a lot of the guests didn't really know  I wasn't as I appeared to be. I was in heaven!
Later in the evening, a couple did approach me to tell me how good I looked and didn't know the truth initially and did I want to go with them to another party?
Reluctantly I had to turn them down. My ride was with my co-worker and I thought it would be rude to do that to her.
The couple left and I asked the hosts who they were.
It turns out he was a very new politician who was running for a state representative seat. As the years went by, he went to Washington and became a very powerful congressman.
I've often wondered how deep the attraction was that night and did I destroy my chance for a job in the capital or even a "tell all" book?
Let's see: "Monica and Cyrsti" A Life Under The Desk! lol

Look Honey!

Our little boy is all grown up now!
High school male beauty pageant.

"Transdar" are You on the Screen?

If you've ever heard of "gaydar" (intuitively feeling someone is gay), "transdar" is the same. Forget flamboyant males and ultra masculine women. (Nothing wrong with either) Transdar occurs when you see a person that almost looks 100 % female-but is not quite.
I've been in line at stores dressed as either gender when I've seen girls that just weren't.  That's fine. That's me sometimes. I was shopping one day with my wife as a guy and happened to come across a very petite well dressed middle aged women in the dress section.  I really did not give her a second thought until the attractive face shot me a very male "leave me alone" glance. Wow, did she ever realize how much she ruined it?
Here is a better example.
One night I was watching a game in a neighborhood bar I used to frequent. Again I was dressed as a guy.
Two guys and an attractive large blond came in. They only stood out to me initially because I had never seen them in there before.
After a while, I began to notice the blond. Attractive with a low cut top showing a lot of cleavage. Every time she turned her face  a certain angle, it said male.
I then proceeded to look for the obvious. Adam's Apple not evident but neither is mine. Voice a little deeper but not a giveaway.
I even asked the bartender if she had ever seen her before and even asked if she thought she was really a girl?
She said yes and no she had never seen her before.
Should have asked if she thought the blond had started life as a girl. That question would have been way too difficult!
I will truly never know if my "transdar" was working correctly that night or not. I believe it was and I was just observing a pre or even post op girl with her own breasts.
Some folks are just going to have a "transdar" function built in. Maybe they have a friend or a family member who is transgendered.
How do you beat "transdar"? Confidence girls. Dress, carry and act like the girl of your dreams and you just might become her.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

They Are Back!

Although the great majority of girls in the transgendered community never put their pantyhose away-or did it grudgingly- they are making a comeback. Apparently, according to a story in the London Daily Express, skintone pantyhose are coming back into fashion.  And guess who is at the forefront of the fashion trend; that's right, it's Sarah Jessica Parker of Sex and the City . Ironically it was Parker who helped start the bare leg trend..
I for one went the "bare leg" fashion route but never liked it. Now it is good to see that fashion is going full circle (again) to a look that I feel is more flattering and elegant.

Friday, August 20, 2010

You Lookin At Me?

We have covered a lot of gender communication basics here recently. It's a forgone conclusion that women listen better. Females also utilize sight and touch better than males.
But what about that damn scowl pasted permanently on male faces? Women smile more? Why?
If you asked my Dad why, he would have certainly said the scowl came from living with my Mom for all those 50 years.
But in reality if we look at the genders from an purely evolutionary viewpoint, a man's scowl is protecting his territory as sure as the male lion protects his.
Certainly there is nothing soft about the traditional female role of child bearing etc but there certainly is a softer side when you add in nuturing and family.
Maybe women do have more to smile about, The real "girl's night out" centers around men and family or clothes and friends. Sure there is criticism in the female circle but not the competition in a sports driven guys night.
As a species, we haven't changed that much yet. Men smile when they win-women when they are with friends and family.
Just another nuance in the female communication cycle. Here's the smile, Now figure out what it really means-and wipe that scowl off your face!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Con Game

Relax! It's just me I'm conning.
A couple nights ago I had one of those heavenly evenings wherever everything seemed to be going right. I'm usually so insecure of how I look (the whole process).
My first stop, I played some trivia and ate an appetizer.  On my way out I stopped in the Ladies' Room to fix and repair and use the facilities. The place has mirrors on the wall behind the toilets. As I entered the stall I saw a rather attractive red head looking back at me. Very reassuring! (you can refer to my profile pix if you want)
For once the temperature out side was nice, I could feel my long hair on my bare shoulders and it all felt so real. My movements were slow and fluid not forced and choreographed.
 Sometimes with me it's all a battle of the genders. But the other night I actually was thinking this is me as a girl and I should start making plans to do it..all the time.
My clothes, the vanilla body wash scent, the smooth legs all felt so right.
I'm not naive enough  to know that I could feel this way all the time if I went full time.  On the other hand I'm realistic enough to know the deep satisfaction I feel.
No matter how many operations or hormones a person takes, "he" never really becomes a "she". BUT there is really no reason "he" can't live in the female world. Touch it, taste it and feel it!
I guess that is where the "con-game" ends. When you quit fooling yourself.

Sunday, August 15, 2010


Just when I think I am this beautiful creature with the perfect clothes and make up...I see this shot of "Shannel" from "RuPauls' Drag Race" TV Show.
Oh well, probably nobody likes her!
Lets see now. Where's that new foundation I just bought!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Just Had Too!

This saying really pertains to some of us:
"It is what is is-even if it isn't!"

Is the Grass Really Greener?

For years I've lived in a world where I felt the female gender had an advantage. After all girls are supposed to be the more intuitive gender.
Guys are fairly straight forward critters and women know the game!
During the last week, I've started to rethink my thoughts.
Last Sunday night one of my friends and I were discussing a game at our pub.  If you can get a quarter to stay on top of a lemon in a flower vase full of water for 5 seconds you get a free beer. This is actually very hard to do and the money that falls to the bottom goes to a very good cause.
She was telling me that a couple younger guys a week or so ago were harassing her about buying them a beer if they could drink all the water in the vase.There was quite a bit of H2O in the vase plus it was very gross.
She refused the offer and asked me why young guys were like that?
I believe she is in her mid 30's (very attractive)and knew that I should have a pretty good idea of what makes a young guy tick.
Naturally i do. I was surprised at her lack of understanding!
I simply said "they were pushing you." They knew you wouldn't say "that's a deal-drink it!"
Later on in the week, I was sitting next to a younger couple.  The girl was animatedly talking to the guy and he was just as intent on ignoring her. As it unfolded I felt she was either nagging or was really trying to impress the guy.
She did her best for nearly a half hour before he went to the bathroom. She was devastated and confused all at one time and I felt real sorry for her. She gave the impression that she gave it her best shot-failed and had no idea why.
A similar thought pattern of mine. I had no idea the female gender was as clueless as I've witnessed recently.
Maybe these were isolated instances (I hope so!) Maybe women aren't all they appear to be? Similar to me?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Does Lola Like it Hot?

I'm sure you've heard of the "Kinks" song "Lola" or have seen the "Billy Wilder" comedy classic "Some Like It Hot".
Recently I've been able to combine the two.
First and foremost, I'm very much out on Al Gore's Internet.. I'm on Yahoo, Facebook, Flickr  and a couple main TG sites, not to mention my blog here.If you are any sort of a regular reader here, you know I live an active girl life.
Everyone once in a while the sun, the moon and the stars come together for an interesting time.
Nearly a month ago, I started receiving messages from a self professed 20 year male virgin. I don't know if the virgin part is true but I've seen the kid. He didn't know me and I'm old enough to call him kid! I told him I was flattered but he was so young, I couldn't even be a Cougar!  As most young males do, he grew tired of the game and moved on."Lola" the song relates a very similar story.
It is about a TG girl who hooks up with a presumed young male virgin in a club in Soho, England.
During the same period of time my 80 year old male admirer from a restaurant I go to frequently began to show renewed interest. (I wonder if he has any money?) lol! So here I was with two dramatic age interests at the same time! The major difference is the older guy is a great person and I would not hurt him for the world!
But he does remind me of the character "Osgood" (Joe E. Brown) in the movie "Some Like It Hot". At the very end of the movie "Jack Lemmon's" character (Daphne) reveals to Osgood that she is really a man. The reply? "Well, nobody's perfect!"
I can hear my old friend saying that!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Luv You!

Just a quick note thanking a couple people in my life who have helped to make this all a lot more liveable.
"Mikikitty" a life time soul mate who I actually only met last winter. Also "D" who I see on occasion. She never fails to light up my life.  These two are the essence of the true female soul! (They are genetic females). They mentor me more than they will ever know!
Also thanks to all who follow this blog and take the time to comment!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Gender Worship!

Teen age guy caring about his looks!
This morning I was doing one of my least favorite tasks, buying new work shoes for my guy self. Of course as I walked into the store I passed an attractive woman. She was well put together with a knee length summer skirt , tan top, sandals and light red curly hair.  I really wanted to run back home and go shopping for a new pair of "peek-a-boo" heels!
I persevered  and completed the task at hand. Dammit!
On the way home, I began to notice the women who weren't so well put together. I'm not talking about beauty or expensive clothes. I'm talking about the basics and how so many women seem to ignore them.
What happened here? I have rarely seen a little girl or specifically a teen aged girl who didn't care about her clothes or looks. When did the disconnect happen? Obviously the whole process became too much of a hassle. What a shame!
When a genetic girl comments on how good my make up or clothes look-it's a simple fact.  I work on it! I watch all the make up and make over shows and do the best shopping I can.
At least I know which girl I wanted to be this morning-the one who put a little effort into her appearance. Not the females I saw who were only girls by birth and had seemingly forgot the rest.

Do Clothes Make the?

As we finished one of her great home made dinners, one of my close genetic female friends decided she had had enough of her bra for the day and took it off under her shirt. The conversation then turned to how comfortable my bra was and what part do my clothes play when I'm presenting as a female.
Obviously clothes play a huge role. I'm still amused when someone asked if I dress from the "skin-out" as a girl.
No, I'm really wearing boxers under my denim skirt! Come on!
I'm like the majority of the female population. I like to look as good as I can and have to work very hard at it!
The clothes however are just an external statement of the female side of me. So no-clothes don't make the girl with me. The girl plays with and enjoys the clothes just the same as a genetic female.
The major difference is that women get to play with the "fun" fabrics.  When a young guy first starts noticing girls that package comes with soft and colorful female clothes. Is it any wonder that most of us start down this  path with a fixation on hose or other lingerie?
But if you notice, the males who transition into full time women lose much of the "flash" of their TG sisters.  Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I just wonder if the women across the table from me had been a transitioned female would she still have done it? Sure why not? If I had real breasts, I would have taken mine off!

So, clothes do make the girl with me. I have to wear them and I WANT to wear them to be the best looking woman I can be. However, there is a big difference in making the girl and starting the girl.  The girl already exists and is just doing her best to have a little piece of the world!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A Woman's Perogative

To change her mind? How about her look?
About two weeks ago I settled into a new look.  My new hair color is almost black (very dark) and shorter and straighter than I've worn in a while.
I'm fortunate to know a couple hairdresser/beauticians who lend me their advice. One told me to "darken up the makeup and bring out the eyes with heavy black eye makeup." As I worked on the look, my eyes really did jump out.  I have greenish eyes that sort of took on a steel blue look. Very dramatic and quite fun! The final effect isn't so much Italian or Latino but somehow closer to a Native American look. (I'll have to get a picture to post)
The bottom line is that I seem to present better, especially to guys in my age bracket (more mature! lol!)
My problem is that I tried a longer strawberry blond look last night and fell in love with it! It's more of a fun (Harley Girl) look.
The bad thing is I hate leaving a successful look behind (for awhile).  The good thing is change is there for the taking. My friends are used to seeing me change styles.
In my eyes-it's a girl's birth right. I love it!

What's in a Name?

So many labels, so little time!
Are you a cross dresser or a trans sexual or a trans gendered person? As I venture out more and more I get those questions. The most confusing answer is "I'm a tweener". If you put cross dresser on one side of a spectrum and post op trans sexual on the other, I'm in the middle. I spend a portion of my life presenting as female. I'm too much girl for the cross dressers and not enough for the trans sexuals. I've had no hormone therapy or surgery.
But aren't trans sexual women cross dressers?  Yes in the sense they can never become full females in the strictest definition of the word. No if you consider they are totally feminized.
So it is no wonder the public is confused about us. So are we!
It is frustrating that the "T" in "GBLT" is only used when the gay community wants an extra group to push for their agenda. Plus, certain sites on the web seem to place more value on how far you've climbed up the TG ladder towards surgery.
The bottom line is that all of this revolves around labels. Humans need them.
Sometimes it's fun to describe a gender "tweener"! I love to be unique!

Media of One.

Recently Gladd released it's ratings of gay, lesbian and transgendered television shows and networks:

MTV, CW Top GLAAD 2009-2010 TV Ratings

All public scrutiny of the media is good and some day the stereotype of the demented crossdresser/transvestite may be behind us. In the meantime each of us who goes out into the public have an important job.

As we interact with clerks, servers or the public at large, we really are pioneers in a sense.  We combat the "Jerry Springer" sensationalism by showing people one at a time we are just people too! Rather than putting our pants on one leg at a time, it might be panty hose!

We are a media of one. We didn't ask for it but it is a huge responsibility we should be greatful for.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Another Book Excerpt.

Ft. Knox in January was not conducive to either Jessie or I.
“Back in the day” basic training was an exercise in team building and endurance. Survival was the number one priority not fashion!
Survive we did and in reality, basic training was the last I would see of the real army. During this period of time Jessie was totally a figment of my imagination. Mentally though, she was as strong as ever. Sweet memories of smooth legs, silky stockings and lingerie intensified how much I missed the physical essence of Jessie. Adding insult to injury, my tour in Southeast Asia was in Thailand.  Thailand of course, is the home of some the most beautiful “lady boys” in the world. I could admire the art form but couldn’t participate!  I was not stationed in Bangkok so I didn’t get to see the best of the best but I do remember a “katoy” (boy/girl) who spent a lot of time outside the front gate at the base. He was tall and beautiful! We all were known to pick up a girl or two on occasion. It would have been difficult to pick him up discreetly but it could have been one of those life changing experiences. I never got to Katmandu (which was only a couple of hours from Thailand) and I never tried to pick the “katoy” up. The only two regrets I can remember!
The good part for Jessie during this time was her return was becoming a reality!
The tour in Thailand came and went and Germany became the next stop. Wedged in between was leave time at home plus a brief stop at a base in the states. Thirty days was plenty of time to let Jessie out and let her breathe some fresh air! Thirty days was also long enough to shave the legs for a week or so with “grow back” time.  I had the budget to treat her to a shopping trip and was in heaven the night she stepped out of the shadows once again. It was kind of like riding a bicycle. I was afraid she would be out of practice with the makeup and clothes but it all came as second nature for her. Just a small insight into how much she dominated my personality and how close to the surface she really was. The freshly shaved legs, the soft perfume, clothes and hair made me wonder what a “real girl” would feel in the same situation!
I knew what this girl felt. The night should go on forever!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Jewelry Fashionistas!

One of the malls in the area just opened a store called "Charming Charlies" Of course I had to check it out.  My window shopping indicated it was a wonderful store full of purses and jewelery and other accessories. I couldn't wait for it to open!
I was able to shop it yesterday and was not disappointed.  My only problem was I did not have enough money to buy of one many items.
Maybe you are lucky enough to have one these in your area. If not they have a web site http://www.charmingcharlie.com.
Check it out!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Right Place-Right Time-Right Mirror.

Returned home yesterday from an extended weekend mini trip and I had time to head out to my favorite Tuesday night spot. Cool!
Tossed on a predetermined outfit (often the best kind) and headed out the door . With me over thinking is over rated!
Arrived in time to get the last seat which I was grateful for until I could move to a "mirror seat". If you a "card carrying" TG girl, you know how important a mirror can be. You can check your appearance and see if anyone else is checking you. If you do it right.
All of it worked to perfection last night as a middle aged guy slid in beside me and ordered dinner. After he ate we struck up a lite conversation about where he was from, sports and his work.
The place was noisy, so we had to lean into each other to talk which he didn't seem to mind. There was no way to turn fully and talk face to face, so I could watch most of the interaction in the mirror in front of us. He was standing and I was sitting on a bar stool, so he was probably 6 to 8 " above me.
All I could see was a dark haired girl close to this guy leaning down ever so slightly to talk to her.
I was in heaven! Everything around me became a blur. I wished it could have lasted forever-but of course it didn't.
We went our separate ways.
He'll never know what a fun time it was! Hope it was for him too!