A Man's Woman?

Used to think I enjoyed the company of women more than men.
Now I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm one of those women who doesn't have many female friends or doesn't like other women? Why?
Lately I've been craving interacting with a guy as a girl.  Feeling the passions of his life.Certainly this is not the first time I have thought this way. BUT
Just the thought of all this confuses even me!
A trans girl who wants to be one of the boys? Really?
Maybe this is coming from the amount of time I'm spending recently at work with women. In guy drag.
I found myself thinking "Wow I need some time with another guy to find my sanity!" BUT this is how it spins. I want to spend it with them as a girl. Maybe the whole idea is not so rare?
I have known women who feel their gender drowns in drama. They hate the "passive aggressive" nature of females as a whole. They prefer hanging out with guys.
Sure I'm speaking in broad generalizations. No matter how much it is denied, there is always a dose of sexual tension between the genders.
On the other hand, we have all known women in our life who function very smoothly with men, sexual or not.
At this moment that seems to be a very comfortable place!

Fascinated!

I love the "Tranisfesto" Blog! Written by "Matt Kailey", his blog provides great insight into the life of a "ftm" transgendered person.
All the transgendered dynamics are the same of course but I'm fascinated with the "other" side of human nature.
What's it like to leave the sorority of women? Is it as hard to leave as it is to join?
On the flip side. How hard is it to join the fraternity?
My own opinion is that it is easier to join the fraternity. The rules are posted.  For me at least. I'm sure that ftm transmen aren't that sure that's true. Perhaps the fact that most men are very basic in likes and dislikes would make the initiation easier?
At any rate, Matt asks for opinions and gives many!
As much as we are different as transgendered individuals, we are the same.

Transgender Flirting?

What happens mentally or chemically when we flirt? Could we or should we even consider flirting?
Oddly, I think if you are a drop dead gorgeous transgendered girl maybe you shouldn't. A sexual surprise to more than a few guys is not pleasant and they retaliate.
Since I'm not in that category and in the more mature age category (lol), why not have a little fun if I can.
My prime example was the married man across the bar I mentioned in a previous post. The "not so sly" eye game we played could be viewed as a form of flirting. Who knows what he really thought? Anything from why is that guy dressed like that to what is she doing all by herself? Most certainly, he was in town and wife wasn't so the mental wheels were turning in his head.
All of this is just another gender category I'm almost completely inexperienced with. Research is always good and this is some of what I found. "Learn to Flirt Like A Pro" from "Your Tango" was a great start. One of many informative ideas was the " flirty dressing style", which in that case was: low-cut jeans and cowboy boots. If you feel really powerful in cowboy boots, you're going to do your best flirting if you feel confident.
My "guy self" experience tells me  that most women are very calculating in most situations and flirting is one of those. I need the tools to "calculate!"  I just don't have the experience (yet) to process it from a girl's perspective.
As I have learned, any knowledge can serve me well when unexpected situations arise! Get to it Girl!

Drag Shows a Good Sign?

Maybe the number of drag shows that are popping up around the country in various colleges are a good sign.
The younger gen is showing curiosity about our culture.
Here's a quote from the "Minneapolis City College News" following their drag show.
"Drag shows may appear to be performances hinged on glamor and
theatrics but they open a far deeper discussion about a person’s
identity." This quote came from one of the performers "Esme" who received her PhD in Hispanic Literature and Gender and Performance Studies.  She uses
drag shows as a platform to explore these issues.
During a Q&A session, the performers explained that drag is not just
about portraying the opposite gender.
“Drag is about incarnating the ideas of masculinity and femininity.
Those are ideas, not people,”

On a far different level, I see some of the "womanless beauty pageants" achieving the same purpose. The ones on the younger level do show the audience a person traveling to the other gender. We also know the womanless pageants provide the occasional stage for trans youth in the closet.
The saying is that any publicity is good. Good publicity and conversation is better!

Hiding in Site? Transgendered Girls.

How exactly does a man meet one of us?
Why is it so difficult?
I have an on line friend who enjoyed a wonderful relationship with a "Pre Op TS". She moved and he is left seeking another and having a rough time. I have had several "Yahoo" connects who echo his sentiment.
We all know there are many of us out there. That is where the problem starts. The transgendered woman has to be out for a start. Their closet is very small to start with and often includes a spouse. No more room for you.
What's worse, this can go two directions. Obviously we have the girls who are still in the closet and not available. We also have the women who have gone through all the surgery and are quietly leading "stealth" lives. Take both of these groups off the dating board.
Then, you have the sexual aspect. Sexual attraction could be a bigger problem than the first two together. The vast majority of the transgendered girls I have interacted with over the years had no interest in men. At least said they did. Subtract more girls from the board.
What's a man to do? Certainly, there are many sites who cater to men who want to date transgender. Many of those are nearly pornographic in nature. The others? Yes, you can find quality people on line but it's tough! I have posted on several dating sites as a female. (due to no choice) Then I explain my transgendered status. I assume there may be others like me. That is one idea.
How about local groups? Very difficult. the ones I have been involved with are pretty much closed environments due to closeted individuals.
Truly, the whole process is like finding that "needle in the haystack" and you don't want to get "stuck" when you find it.
I personally feel the pain because I've been looking for a transgendered "sister" to just hang out with. Shop, girl talk etc with absolutely no luck. I've found the most aggressive people seeking transgendered women are other trans girls...sexually!
So what can I say but "Good Luck"! We truly are rare creatures!

Another Piece of the Puzzle?

During my recent experiences on a couple dating sites, I have put together another piece of my transgendered puzzle.
Time and time again I get asked "what kind of man are you attracted to?"  Finally I figured it out. A macho man with an active intellect and humor.
Ironically enough, my three dates have all been "macho" big guys.  I thought initially the size and demeanor of the men just made me feel safe and feminine.
Now I feel it somehow goes deeper. Deeper than I imagined.
It took years to develop my own personal style. Now comes the character issues that come with it. 
We all know both genders have interest in our type of girl.  Especially men.
The next frontier is the sexual one, which I will never get into here. However men are men and we all know how they think. (Not a negative)
Maybe sooner more than later, life will give me more answers on my primary self!

Coming Out to Your Best Friend!

This is another article I wrote for "Hub Pages". In many ways this is my first work of fiction in that none of this ever happened to me exactly. I did come out years ago to a couple of my male friends without much drama. In those days I was very much an occasional crossdresser so life was much simpler? Maybe at my age I just can't remember!
Here's the post:

Do I laugh or cry?

You are a guy and your best friend has been hinting for months about how he is unhappy with his life. He is getting better at changing the conversation from sports to. "Did you see the show last night with the beautiful guy/girl?" Sooner or later, even you get the idea your best friend is trying to tell you something.
Finally (during a private moment) he blurts it out. "I want to be a woman." As you process what he just said, you think "so that is why he dressed as "Cher" last Halloween!"
Well it's all good... maybe. After all, he's still my friend and so what if he goes home on occasion and throws on a dress. There are worse things and I have won't see it. Then the finality of what he said strikes home. "I want to be a woman." Damn! What now? Why did he tell me?
"What now" depends on what kind of friend you are. How secure are you in your masculinity and then again..."What the hell is he thinking?"
At this point, is it time to either blow off the whole situation or even the friendship? How serious is he? After all he is sitting across from you drinking a beer with a five o clock shadow like so many times before. He can't be serious.
Then he says " this is so much more than wearing a dress on Halloween. I want to be a woman." Enough is enough. It's time for one of you to leave and the other to stay with a double shot of whiskey to ponder what just happened.
A week or two or three goes past without so much of a word from your transgendered friend. Finally she calls to sound out your feelings. She tells you she values your friendship. Past, present and future. There is nothing overtly sexual about this. She wants you as a friend and can they meet?
Sure, what's the harm. Same old spot. Same old beers, sports talk and 5 o'clock happy hour shadow. That's when it becomes complicated when his friend wants him to meet "her".
The dynamics are intimidating to say the least. For the sake of discussion, let's ignore all the sexual tension and let's forget how much courage and trust was needed to even attempt the connection.
Men are visual creatures and seeing his best friend as the opposite gender is traumatic for the vast majority of men. Just how is that vision working for him? That depends on many intangibles and one huge one. How does she look?
Let's say she doesn't present well. The less than attractive female image projected by his trans friend can cause immediate problems. Hey, she can't be serious.. This is some kind of joke and he will definitely grow out of it! My friend can never expect to even try to be a woman looking like that! A doubled edged sword to the transgendered friend who so desperately wants to be taken seriously.
Let's say she is gorgeous. Face, hair, legs and clothes just could make her the best looking woman in the room...with you. Another set of problems. You are reacting to him as a woman. What's going on with that? What does that make me? Why is your old drinking buddy teasing you with this? Where did those breasts come from anyhow?
If the truth be known, the middle point of the two scenarios is probably the most common. Your transgendered friend mustered a tremendous amount of courage to tell you at all. She put it all on the line to salvage any of a future friendship. Quite possibly the decision to live as her chosen (not birth) gender was a life or death decision.
You should be honored, frustrated, sad or mad. Your friend as you know him is never coming back. The well worn "still the same person..just looks different" doesn't work. Even when she wears jeans and and a sweat shirt to meet you, it will never be the same. She left the boys club.
Just remember, she didn't leave your club. It may take years for her transformation to become complete and just as long for your friendship to recover. Good luck!

Whats in a name?

Every now and then discussion pops up about how we choose our names in our chosen gender.
The unique part of the process is that most of us make the choice on our own. Without parental or family input of any kind.
What happens when your child is choosing a name?
An interesting look into the process comes from a site called "Salon". A woman details the process her 11 year daughter and family went through choosing a new name.
From letting the child have total choice to a suggestion process, she covers it all!
Just imagine if you had the freedom to transition at an early age. Would you or could you have made a sound decision?
If I was in the situation with my family (which of course I wasn't), we could have taken several family directions with a name. It would have not been an option but "Jessie" would have been a great choice. It's softly feminine and has roots in the family history.
I have mentioned before that I would choose the name today. Ironically, the process would be almost as difficult as the transition form my male name to Cyrsti.
As world problems go this is a small one for me. Just imagine how big it would be for a family in the process?

Another Look!

For a very  interesting and enlightening look into what our "trans-brothers" face head to "http://tranifesto.com/".
A reader writes: “How could one change the current climate for gay trans men in the gay male community?”

My answer: One mind at a time.

This is a continuation of last week’s Ask Matt Monday, which dealt with trans men and lesbian communities. And this is a tough one, because I think there is a different dynamic in gay male communities.

When I first started my transition, I identified as a gay man, which did not go over well with one population – gay men. The gay men who heard me speak complained that I was appropriating their identity, that I didn’t share the “gay male experience” that had shaped the lives of gay men, and that I couldn’t compare my experience to theirs.

Being opinionated, impetuous, and newly testosterone-fueled, I was slow to catch on. But I eventually realized that they were right – at least in my case. I do know some gay trans men who have been gay men since they were old enough to formulate an identity, regardless of their body configuration, but the neighborhood Barbra Streisand fan club that I started at eleven and my childhood obsession with The Wizard of Oz really don’t qualify me

It seems our tran gendered brethren face the same problems with the Male Gay community as we do!
While it's true we do not share the male gay experience per se, we do share the many of the same slights. Hopefully we will never share much of the gay male popuations' lack of compassion.

Get Your Sexy On!

Following my post from last night, my surfing adventures brought me to an article that sort of follows up on what I said. The "Own your own Beauty" blog that I subscribe to (free) often has these little pieces of information.
Our own sexuality and how we project it is a fascinating subject.
From our own "Draco's" reflections on the attitude we project in public to various comments on the blog, sexuality is also a popular topic.
Take a look!

Cyrsti

Nirvana

Yes! "Nirvana" is what I feel when my gender meets the soul. It took me this long to finally came up with  a word for the warmth I feel.. According to one dictionary "an ideal condition of warmth, peace and joy."
Even in my part of the winter world, removing my coat, knocking the snow from boots and re fluffing my hair equals instant warmth.
Just taking my life to this point has been an extraordinary journey of pain and joy. A person I met on another site summed it up this way to me:

"It looks to me that TGs core problem is really believing they are who they want to be. It can't be easy; especially after years of doubts, then tentative beliefs, and finally self acceptance and belief in who you really are inside, regardless of what your outside is.   

It obviously takes a lot of courage.  Anyone with half a brain should at least respect that part of the transition. Going from one gender to another, especially if you still stay in your current social and work environment has to be an extraordinary effort!!" 

I'm not searching for a compliment here. I am always searching though, for a person who is literate enough to put into words some of our struggle. The words are more profound when you consider his background. A past that had nothing to do with our family.

Perhaps we should all share in his compliment!

Take It Like A Man

I finished a very interesting and complex conversation with my BFF genetic girlfriend tonight. She wanted to think more like a man! An interesting subject since I'm trying so hard to think like a woman.
She had just finished a very frustrating week with a guy friend of hers. She felt the only success she was ever able to have with men was starting to think like one.
So here I was, listening as a woman to my genetic friend wanting to be more like a man?
Be patient with me as I try to explain!
A guy she has known for an long time really drained her emotionally last week. She felt she needed the male "quick fix" to move on. Get out and go!
Guys are good with the quick fix. Simplify a complex problem "Git r Done" and  move on. By her own definition she had to be more like a guy in this instance. I used to have this mindset of course.I knew exactly where she was coming from. Fortunately, my inner girl kept pushing me to hear her out. Do not toss a quick fix at her!
The second major issue she mentioned was the most common. Men don't listen, especially the needy ones. (Her description of the guy last week)  We all know this is true. I don't even have to relate some of the stories I have when I was delegated to a  second class citizen. She went on to say "If I force the issue, I go from being a nag to a bitch." So true again!
So what's a girl to do? Probably what women have since the days in a cave. Work the man from different angles or kick him to the curb. Is that thinking like a man? If so my friend was there!
I listened intently. My female side was being patient and hearing her out. What was she really telling me and where did she want to go with it. My male side was screaming "The guy's an idiot and a loser!" Dump him!
We talked for nearly an hour with no real resolution, again to the chagrin of my male side. My female self on the other hand was happy with the fact that my friend seemed to feel better. At that moment, it was all that mattered.
If I had to guess, my girlfriend won't be too successful at thinking like a guy. She already knows how the male mind works and really only needs the right guy to come along.
At least I hope not. I really don't want my best girlfriend to start thinking like a guy.  Been there...done that!

I Touched A Girl.

As I left work last night, I figured I could actually go out and enjoy myself alone...with others. Get a seat, watch a couple of the late college football games and sort of "zone" out.
Good plan until I got to my pub and found only two seats open at the whole bar. One of which had a jacket on it. A woman was standing one seat away from the open one so I asked her was the seat taken? She was every bit as tall as me and we locked eyes as she verbally bitched slapped me with "yes, and I'm sitting there!" I really didn't know (or care) if she read me as TG or just another woman invading her space. I wasn't asking about that seat anyhow and just took the next one down.
About five minutes later she turned back to me and said she knew me and we had talked in another spot. Did I remember her? I wanted to desperately and finally did. One afternoon we had sat close to each other in a tavern downtown. At that time I had mentally labeled her as either bi or gay . She is very attractive in an assertive way. I followed her lead (with my own personal confidence) and we got along and talked until her brother came to pick her up.I figured I wouldn't probably see her again. Until last night!
We chatted for awhile and she introduced me to her 3 friends and they went on their way. I thought they had left until about a half hour later someone was lightly rubbing my back and saying "pretty lady". Fortunately it was her. I obviously thanked her and ordered another beer.
This time I could see her in the mirror and was trying to muster enough courage to return the "touch" on the way out. Assuming I left before her.  I always (in both genders) have never had the courage to do this. Until last night.
I paid my tab and walked by her group on the way out.. I stopped and lightly brushed her bare arm with my fingernails and said "thanks and I'll see you!" I kept on walking and she said wait and motioned me back. I got a hug and a chance to talk to the group for a couple minutes.
I'm so glad a finally found the courage to step forward a little with others. Better yet, I hope I see her again!

Trans Girl Socially Challenged?

Absolutely!
My genetic girl friends tell me- "all the good one's are taken". Are they right?
I'm not looking for much. Just a person to hang out with and I'm not totally alone. I have my guy friend and a small group of women friends.
My personality always pushes for more so I signed up for a dating site. I probably drove them all over the map with my gender changes. Woman seeking woman all the way to man seeking woman. The bottom line is that my expectations have been reached. Nothing!
I knew the whole thing would be like finding the needle in the haystack, but needles have been found!
Then I started wondering, do I threaten other women?
I read a great post concerning just that by "Hope Alexander" on "Hub Pages" of why we do. One of the reasons is that we look better and put more work into being a girl. The usual examples of clothes and makeup come to mind. I've added one of her posts to look at! http://hubpages.com/hub/Are-You-A-Man-Or-A-Woman--How-To-Deal-With-A-Crossdresserhttp://hubpages.com/hub/Are-You-A-Man-Or-A-Woman--How-To-Deal-With-A-Crossdresser
I do believe it is true with some women because they have let themselves go-but not most. I also believe we play into the insecurities of genetic girls because we do play in their sandbox.
Is all of this another social problem?
We are too much girl for the gay guys. Not enough girl for the Lesbians and a competing girl for the straight women? OMG!
Finding good people in the world is hard enough! I've been blessed to find more than my share.
I can't help but think there are a least a couple more out there!

Act Like You've Been There!

Humans are natural predators, they do sense when something is wrong. When you consider your presentation as a woman, your attitude should be a big priority.  You, after all, are doing nothing wrong.
Now, put the high heel on the other foot.
What if you see one of us in public and it is fairly obvious.  Do you say anything?
What if you are wrong? Are you going to hurt the other person's feelings? Do they really want to know you read them?
I'm sure you can add at least 5 more questions to this list, but would you like to be approached?
I would from the stand point I would really love to find a friend who gets out and lives life as I do. If she is shopping too as a girl-that's a great start to a friendship!
However, my ego would be bruised as it always is when someone picks me out as a guy not a girl.
The bitch in me dictates that the other person doesn't know the truth until I talk to them.
The instances of all of this happening have been exceedingly rare.  I would say, over a ten year period I have spotted around five individuals who I was positive were transgender.
Two were walking the same mall I was in. Two were in stores and one came into my favorite casual bar in heels and hose. One other time I was approached by a guy who said he dressed.
That's it!
The only one I talked to was obviously the guy. I was going into my "spot" for a drink and I asked him if he wanted to come in. Yes it is a straight place and no he didn't.
The one I wished I would have talked to was the "heels and hose" girl but she drank her wine and left before I even knew it.
All the others looked so nervous, I was afraid to say a word.
Maybe they broke the number one rule? Did I notice something was wrong with the way they looked or the way they acted? Probably actions on two and looks on two.
The bottom line is-if you are going to say something positive do it! You can approach us in typical female style. "Wow, I love those earrings!"
If you think I'm a girl and you really do like them, that's great! If not, that's OK too!

I'm Sure Going To Miss Him!

Outside of work during the past year, I've had very few opportunities that I have chosen to present as a guy.
Last night was one of the occasions. A few of my male family members and I went to a professional sporting event.
Everything was fine until we got there. We walked a couple blocks to the arena which is located in an upscale entertainment district. 
I became so jealous of the women around me in their heels and boots I couldn't stand it! I persevered and played the guy game until we actually went into the arena. Yes I knew the girls filled out their jeans nicely. Where the heck did they get them!
About half way through the game I had to use the restroom and went to stand in line with the guys. As I stood there I had the opportunity to reflect back on how easy it was to "alpha male" a rest room. Cute tricks like holding your half full plastic beer cup between your teeth (while you peed) always seemed to work.
Now I was feeling like a stranger in the men's room.
I thought "I'm sure going to miss him when he's gone". But he has already left and that is sad. I never hated him and to this day he takes care of me.
He's not gone yet, but we've become strangers in our own body.
He knew I would have been happier walking the streets to the arena in my own boots and jeans. He knew I could have watched the game with the same intensity.
He's knows the time is coming near to leave.
In my mind- I picture us in the same room staring sadly at each other. Finally he gets up and silently walks out the door. Never to return.
Choices in life are never easy and never fair-but necessary. This one is for the best.

Quick Quote!

Ana Fernatt, a contributor to Chicago Now! Writes an "Accidentally Sexy" Blog. She says a woman should be "classy and fabulous!' Great words to live by.

You Lookin At Me?

We have covered a lot of gender communication basics here recently. It's a forgone conclusion that women listen better. Females also utilize sight and touch better than males.
But what about that damn scowl pasted permanently on male faces? Women smile more? Why?
If you asked my Dad why, he would have certainly said the scowl came from living with my Mom for all those 50 years.
But in reality if we look at the genders from an purely evolutionary viewpoint, a man's scowl is protecting his territory as sure as the male lion protects his.
Certainly there is nothing soft about the traditional female role of child bearing etc but there certainly is a softer side when you add in nuturing and family.
Maybe women do have more to smile about, The real "girl's night out" centers around men and family or clothes and friends. Sure there is criticism in the female circle but not the competition in a sports driven guys night.
As a species, we haven't changed that much yet. Men smile when they win-women when they are with friends and family.
Just another nuance in the female communication cycle. Here's the smile, Now figure out what it really means-and wipe that scowl off your face!

Don't Answer Too Fast! Transgenderized Dilemma!

During another of one of my evenings out, I encountered yet another communication stumbling block.
I have been slowly building a new friendship with a  worker at one of my regular stops.
She knew, I'm sure- she was dealing with a transgendered person. (Probably for the first time ever) I was taking it slow until one of my long time friends who also works there came up and joined in the conversation. She immediately added quite a bit more info about me.
All of that was fine but all of the sudden the conversation took on a whole new dynamic.  She started talk to me as a "transgenderized" person for a second and then jumped into a real "girl on girl" discussion. I really had to not anticipate where the question was coming from.
Remember, I'm still relatively new to the one on one female conversation as it pertains to real life.  Sure I've been on the outside looking in.  Plenty of the "I love your ear-rings or hair". Now it's more of the in depth talk about guys, family and shopping.
Instead of the usual  questions of why I do what I do. (Understandable) The discussion started that way and then went girl to girl. I was really surprised!
The best part of the whole evening was she knows I'm going out tonight with two of the other female bartenders to a competing pub in an upscale mall.  She is relatively new to the area and asked a few questions about where I go.
It would be great fun to spend some time with her!