"Wass Up? Update

Following a brief break, I plan to turn up the heat again before we make it to the first of the year.
My reschedule with the actual doctor who can prescribe hormones (and is well respected) is next Monday.
Then I've figured out the two people I can contact to see if the VA will at least pay for the hormones themselves.
I have until the middle of December before I see the psychologist again. By that time I will know for sure if I will need Plans B thru X.
Shortly after that changing employment to begin transition is planned and possible.
Of course any plan is just that...a plan and we all know there will be many surprises ahead!
Stay tuned!

Another Look!

This is "Dana International" from Israel.








This is "Harisu" a famous transsexual entertainer in Korea.

This me being jealous!!!!!lol

Weekend Update.

Friday was a day off and I spent the whole afternoon getting most of my body ready for summer fashion. I  really wore out some razor blades lol! I have a loose frilly top that shows a lot of shoulder and back skin and the weather was ideal for a skirt.so the legs were a huge priority too. I do the "bare legged" look like most women here.
I was heading downtown for one of the events they host during the summer into the fall.  Restaurants, bars, art galleries and merchants are all at their best for the crowd.
I stopped at one of my regular places on the way  for a couple of drinks.  I do mention on occasion I patronize straight venues with alcohol so I can take nothing for granted.  Public perception and rest room privileges are a constant variable. I really don't have much of a problem but I never really know.
I did have a small hassle that night.  One guy circled me at the bar and asked the bartender loudly "what's up with the hottie at the corner of the bar". As much as I wanted to take it as a compliment, I really couldn't. Then this very drunk guy appeared at the bar and started doing the smirking with some of the other patrons. He kind of went away and I was ready to get going too. Before I left though, the manager stopped by to tell me they were cutting him off and he was sorry! How nice!
The rest of the evening was great fun.
I arrived downtown early enough to dodge the early crowds and get a seat in another one of my regular stops. It was great fun to get a little preferential treatment. I did get a few looks. Some were admiring and no were derogatory. I also made a couple trips to the bathroom and even talked with another of the regulars for the first time before I went out to browse the shops.
The evening finished with my exhilaration of walking in the crowds with my long hair brushing my bare shoulders and back . Combined with my smooth bare legs in the breeze...life was good!
It's no wonder I love being a girl and the early jerks in the evening just faded away.  They probably went home to get that dress out of their closet!

Pick A Label

From "Salon"  Comes a review of a new book  from Jon-Jon Goulian's memoir "The Man in the Gray Flannel Skirt,"
A couple of excerpts caught my eye, including a dazzling array of labels!  Choose one or two for yourself...or even three.  There are many left for your friends. Goulian writes:
"Whether I like it or not, they'll find just the right label for me -- homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, polysexual, metrosexual, metasexual; autosexual, cryptosexual, crypticsexual, protosexual, extraterrasexual, gender-bender, glam-boy, player, poseur, flaneur, slut, aesthete, dandy, lebenskunstler; lotus-eater; bohemian nymph; bourgeois nymph; bourgeois nymph masquerading as a bohemian nymph! -- and, whether they like it or not, they’re determined to make it stick."
The book is being released in the next couple of days and looks interesting in that Goulian seems to be yet another person who breaks the gender mold. He once worked for an Italian mobster who tagged him as a "half a fag". The mobster knew Goulian was a heterosexual but a very different one and in Goulian's own words... "And as it happens, I do not sleep with men. On the few occasions in my adult life when I have been in the near company of another man's erect penis, my impulse was to flee"
I of course, don't have the patience to read a whole book.  If I did. This could be one. I wonder if Goulian explains all those terms?

From Thailand to India

Look for her on NBC's Thursday Night sitcom "Outsourced". Episodes 121 and 122 to air in April and May 2011.
	Ms. Aneesh Sheth is a transgender actress and activist. Born in Pune, India.

Back Again!!!

Hi friends, my on again off again Internet service is back on!
As always, life has continued to move at "warp" speed even if my Internet doesn't.
My "weekend" is over. Monday and Tuesday are basically my days off and I had two fun days. 
I've mentioned before my Tuesday trips to a huge 2 dollar pint night at a nearby sports pub. My Tuesday visit this week was unique in that I was able to find a good seat that allowed me to observe others and enjoy my evening (even watching my favorite baseball team win on one of the big screens). The crowd was young with more females than I have seen for awhile.  Most likely because many of the colleges are starting to finish for the summer.
I felt humbled by all the beautiful young women in the pub and happy I could co-exist without so much a glance.
Towards the end of the evening a glitzy beautiful blond grabbed one of the two rare open seats next to me.  From head to toe she had it all. Great makeup, clothes, jewelry and purse showed she put a lot into her style. I wondered how many of us noticed how she matched a necklace to a purse!
Very shortly, a big muscle bound guy showed up and took the seat between us. For the first ten minutes or so he showed interest in her but then began to get up and spend some time with some other male friends that arrived later. In addition, one of the male bartenders  showed just a little too much interest. She quickly became a little uneasy about the whole situation.
All the years of thinking a "girl's life" was soooo much easier.(I haven't thought that in years) was proven wrong last night. The woman had obviously put a lot of time effort and cash into looking her best. She obviously cared to make the evening a success with the look in her eyes as she looked at him.
Not so easy being a woman!
I "girl talked" the evening with my "BFF" later and told her the story. She was ready to give me the "you'll find out" talk when I turned the tables on her.
I told her I understand more and more her obsession with weight loss and hair and what ever.  If she loses the magic 20 pounds, the sky will open with men knocking at her door.  That of course is an exaggeration but my point is that the woman last night may have thought the same thing.  If her hair was different, if her makeup or clothes were different or if she had bigger boobs...would have the guy paid more attention?
It is no wonder women have the obsessions they do.  My very limited experience with men led me the same direction. Lose the weight, buy the clothes and perfect the makeup and I will be desired for ever!
I have known for years each gender has their own cross to bear. This female cross is huge!!!

Is "Katie" the Future?

This is "Katie" on the left trying on a bracelet with her mother. As you probably guessed since I'm blogging about her, Katie used to be "Luke".From the "Tulsa World" comes Katie's story..
Katie grew up with three other brothers and a Marine officer Dad.
Here's an excerpt from the story that just blew me away! Just in time for Mother's Day.
Mom..."I was expecting (Luke) to sit me down and say, 'Mom, I'm gay,' "
Jazzlyn recalled.
Instead, at age 15, Luke told her: "I'm not gay, Mom. I'm transgender."
Her reaction: "A trans-what? I had prepared myself for 13, 14 years
that my son was gay. And now I'm thinking, 'Rocky Horror Picture
Show'?"

They cried.

Jazzlyn's heart ached for her child. She knew this would be a
difficult path in life. But she was worried that Luke might kill
himself otherwise.
So she did what moms do when they see that the child they love is
hurting: They fix it.
"What do you want me to do?" she asked her son.
I want to go shopping. I want to buy a bra. I want to get my ears
pierced and grow my hair out. I'm not a boy. I'm a girl in a boy's
body, he told her.
"If that's what you honestly feel like, I'll stand behind you,"
Jazzlyn said. "You've just got to give me time."

If I would have said anything similar to that to my Mom...her recommendation would have been the same as when I did try to "come out" to her.  Get a shrink and get rid of it!
So as Mother's Day approaches, I hope Katie's Mom is the future. If not, then she at the least is a great example of a loving caring Mother on their day!

Classic "Candy"

Could not resist passing along another  "Candy Darling" pix.
 For those of you who remember "Kim Novak", she was one of Candy Darling's idols and for good reason! She was another of the "blond bombshells"of the 50's.

Candy Anyone?

"Candy Darling  and Jeremiah Newton"
Photo by Francis Ng.

A new documentary film on the life of the "Warhol" superstar "Candy Darling" is being released.
Unfortunately in my conservative part of the world, I don't see any locations listed.
Nearby Columbus was a little of a surprise. With a large gay community and the former host to a fabulous "Warhol" exhibit, I thought there might be a chance!

Give Me A Head With Hair!

Men want it when it goes. Men like the sensual look and feel of it on women..
Women spend excessive time and expense to coerce it.
What is the name of this human obsession? Hair!
In many cases we are stereotyped by it. The big bald man with tattoos  is perceived as vastly different than the black man with dreadlocks.
Women are ruled by the age/length hair stereotype.  Maybe the biological clock in women dictates the shortening of the hair as the years progress.
I'm tall so the rules dictate I'm "allowed" to go long with my hair. I'm "more mature" so I'm  not allowed too.
The erotic feel of the hair is wonderful and the effect is good.  I have no visible "Adam's Apple" because my neck is short and thicker. The longer hair and a "v neckline" give me the effect of a longer look which I need. The problem is  the less than realistic "wiggy" look. We have all seen the woman whose long beautiful hair does not quite match the rest of her. Her hair screams "wig"! I've actually seen two trans sisters in public situations whose hair gave them away.
I've said many times I rely upon the mirror and finally the public on how I present. Failure was never an option. Recently though, failure is tragedy.
I can always work with my clothes and I need to work with my makeup to keep my feminine life in balance. Hair seems to make it all happen or not. Maybe I'm not so different from my sisters who spend time and dollars on their hair constantly. Not so different at all!

Transgendered and Homophobic?

Last December I wrote this for my blog on the "PINKessence" . The subject had pretty much passed on in my mind until a couple days ago. 
A new "Pink" member zeroed in on the post and commented.  All of a sudden comments started to fly and it went to number 2 as the most popular post.
Here it is again.
So many of the transgendered girls I know are so anti male.
It is very easy to compare the trans girls distrust and dislike of the male gender to other people's dislike of the trans and or gay culture.
Time and time again "No Men" pops up in profile after profile.
Explanations are as shallow on one side of the fence as the other. From religion to
sexual distrust, we hear it all as a transgendered person.
Personally, I believe I've been sent to hell more than once for just
wanting to live as a female.
But you know, the mistrust and bigotry just doesn't come from males. So why should I or others be homophobic if a guy shows interest in us?
Is the old "guys are looking for only one thing" excuse valid. Maybe as valid as all the gay stereotypes?
It's no wonder that so many transsexuals go "stealth" and simply disappear into society. They escaped all the hypocrisy of our homophobic society. Maybe your next door neighbor lady
wasn't always a "lady" and happened to shed the "no man" label when she
found a good one?
No men or no gays can sound very similar.
Excluding men because of gender is as bad as excluding the "T" part of LBGT. No part of being homophobic helps you as a smart. attractive female...trans or genetic.

Following Stana

Perhaps you do too! She writes a fabulous blog called "Femulate" If you follow the link here to "Transition Wisely" you will read about her reaction to an e-mail that showed up on her doorstep.
As luck would have it, I received an equally intriguing one today,. Mine was called "Girls Skin Care in a Boy's World." from "The Frisky" site I subsribe to!

Female Bigots "Part Deux".

As soon as my decimated "DSL" service was restored (could be the serious rain and storms) I read the two comments to the "Female Bigot" post. Thanks!
I guess I just wanted to add my thoughts on transgendered people and their spouses or partners. Obviously I can only speak to the mtf side.
During the 25 years of marriage I experienced before my wife passed away, she slowly saw the man she married start to fade away. She knew from day one. I liked to dress in women's clothing. People told me I look good as a woman. Indirectly, she is the one who taught me that was only the beginning.
She indeed loved me and made me more of a decent human being than I could have ever achieved on my own. In the process, she even enabled me to develop my female side.
The trip was mostly hell with a bit of heaven mixed in. I always tried to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot? How would I feel like living with a guy? Wow! some kind of question!!!!
The answer of course was no. I wouldn't like it. If a poll was taken, I am sure a huge percentage of men would say the same. Just look at the number of men whose wife left them for another woman? How does that play on life's stage. Not well. Think about taking it up a notch and his wife is leaving him to become a man? The guy would have to leave the state.
My point is the "estrogen" wiring allows some women to allow their men to start down the female path. (Yes, I did say allow different topic). Sure dear it's OK to wear some of my undies. Stop sign. OK dear you can dress up fully around the house. Stop sign. OK dear, (if you must) it's OK to go to some of those meetings. You get the point.
What a tremendous amount of trust or love it must take to let your husband start down the road he knows he must take. I can't imagine the pain a woman goes through when husband begins to run stop signs and all of the sudden becomes more of a sister.
One of the stop signs I ran through happened a lifetime ago at a Columbus predominately gay/lesbian club. I went around the floor to get us a drink and when I returned she said "I couldn't believe you were my husband".
I'm just guessing, but I do believe the moderator of the group I was kicked out of had his license suspended for running too many stop signs.
She was a "back seat" driver in the group and became a "bigot" in the process.
You know? I can't blame her.

Now I Understand

I really loved the drag show I was invited to recently by a close friend and reader of the blog. Inadvertently my friend showed me what all the fuss has been about all these years. I always wondered why the women I was with became agitated when I looked at another woman.Impossible for a guy.
One of the performers really was impressive in a short denim mini and boots and a tight top. So impressive my friend was intently enjoying the show and I felt at first a little left out. Then I started to think "I have that outfit...those boots" would I get the same attention? A quick no! I don't look as good.
Then I started to think this was just another initiation into the sorority of women.
Thanks my friend! If it matters she did look great in the skirt and boots!

Female Bigots?

Indirectly, this topic led to me getting kicked out of yet another "Yahoo" group.  The wife of one of the moderators of the site took offense to my use of the term "female bigot".
She was especially harsh with her criticism of another member's view of "becoming" a female. You all know my feelings on the subject. No one can make the physical transition from male to female completely now.  Big things like a uterus, ovaries and such stand in the way  She thought.a trans woman could never know what it is really to be female. She would have been correct if she had used it in context that no one knows what it is to be another. She is wrong in that you can accept and learn the female role.
I asked if she was a female bigot? Was there some reason in her mind a trans woman couldn't feel and be a complete female (except for the obvious)? The fact is I have met several happy well adjusted trans girls that are more femme than most genetic girls.
Never knowing when to stop, I asked if she was one of the women who believe a trans girls rest room privileges should be revoked too? How could I miss out on the "super secret" age spot discussions?
Let me climb down off my soap box. Carefully of course in my high heeled shoes... There is no way I could do it correctly (according to her) as I move to the back of the gender girl bus.
Fortunately, I believe female gender bigots are rare. Most of the genetic females I have ever known have been very accepting...exceedingly accepting. This woman's problem may have been rooted in the fact that "hubby" was deeply involved in moderating this group and she didn't want him to go too female.
Understandable but it is her cross to bear!

She Went There!

Last night I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen for awhile.(cis-female)
We exchanged hugs and pleasantries and chatted along about life.
For some reason she asked how I was really doing
The answer that flowed effortlessly surprised even me,although I had given it much thought. I simply said "I'm tired of being a male in any part of my life. Once I figure out the financial considerations. I'm done."
As I said, I obviously have given this considerable thought but really had never vocalized it to myself or anyone.
It was very therapeutic! Perhaps I knew it all along but was afraid to face the girl in the mirror.Maybe her feminine intuition knew it way before me!
We finished the conversation with a brief discussion of the risk of hormones and surgery (which at the time I don't feel a real need for except in the breast department) and went on our ways.
It was very nice to see her and again and even nicer to hear from my "soul girl"!

Under a whole different topic....the pop up box you see on the blog is actually from ":Twitter".  I'm sort of experimenting with using it as more of an immediate input into the blog. So when you see really short incoherent statements, it's more than my incoherent mind. I'm still playing.
For example last night, the seats next to me produced a revolving door of different types of people. From gay guy with straight girl to two women to foreign guy to my friend.. that seat produced it all.
I will have to write you a post about the "magic chair"! It was quite interesting.

Transition?

I recently read a couple great discussions on  blogs I follow concerning the male to female life transition.. I started by reading "Stana's" review on her "Femulate"  blog.
On a personal level, I consider my life experiences as a girl as a transition.  I believe I've mentioned I have not pursued hormones or surgery yet. I have aggressively pursued nourishing my female thoughts and actions.
I guess it's the classic "what came first" question the mental or physical transition.
I'm very fortunate to have been able to mimic a woman physically in my life.  I've found that is the easy part. Over the years I've seen so many guys become the prettiest girls in the room to just become more miserable. Pretty is just the physical manifestation of being a girl.
I consider my interaction and acceptance in the public as a true sign of transition.
When and if I embark on hormones or any sort of surgery. I certainly don't want to be the bitter and lonely girl in the corner.

The "3 S's"of Transgendered Therapy

Sensory satisfaction plays a huge role in my transgendered life. In fact, being transgendered just sort of fades away. Apply what label you want (transvestite, crossdresser or transsexual), the sensual female experience is amazing.
Number three on my list is sound. As I was finishing my grocery shopping last night, I was acutely aware of the click of my heels.  This morning, the soft sound of my flip flops on the floor of the kitchen just made me feel a little more feminine.
Number two is scent. My own personal choice for years has been a vanilla body spray. The spray just gives me a light hint of scent when I move. I spray a touch into my hair which furthers the effect.
Number one of course is sight. From the soft swell of my breasts  to  long hair flowing over my shoulders and down my back provides deep satisfaction.  Toss in my manicured (stick on) nails and a couple fun rings on my fingers and I think you know the rest.
Much of this could be a reverse manifestation of my male life. If I did live full time as a girl, would the feelings be as dramatic? Probably not.
Would I know how the smell, sight and sounds of women effect guys. Absolutely! Maybe more so. After all, there hasn't been a woman born yet who hasn't seen or experienced what her sexuality could do to a guy. It's human nature. Then again, why are so many of us girls addicted to fashion? For ourselves? No for all of you male or female.
I have considered the narcissistic basis of all of this. My answer is yes I want to look as feminine as I can but be the best woman I can. Friendly and soft, I want to be approachable as possible as a transgendered girl in a sometimes crazy world. Then again...that is a whole different topic!

What Came First?

I've been working not so diligently on a "how to" book for guys who want to be girls.
You are right...yet another book? My take on most of the guides I see are that they are written by individuals who were beautiful boys to start with.
They didn't face the same obstacles presenting female as some of us. Different paths exist to arrive at the same goal. My path was different than theirs,,,no surprise.
As I was writing, I started to think of the addiction versus personality argument.  Was my desire to be a girl always as strong as ii is now or was the desire fueled by successes?
 How did I get from the first rush of pulling hose over my legs to the obsessive attention to (girl) detail I have today.
I will never know. In addition I will never know if I was as much girl then as I am now. It is easy to say "yes, I was". Then again, were the times I was called attractive  or "you make a better looking woman" defining moments that pushed me deeper? Each little success made all the failures easier to handle as I started to go out and live female,
The desire to succeed was powerful and the success euphoric. Did the "euphoria" lock me in deeper or was the desire there anyway and I was ignoring it.
Shame on me if I was. All the years of making myself and others around me miserable could have been averted.
I'm guessing but the predilection to be trans was always in me. I was enabled by how I looked but I had the obsession to live trans. In junior high I wanted to be the girl I sat next to.
I have written about my feelings following a couple dates with men. I was surprised on how deep the girl in me went. The experience was more than validating me as a girl.
Some days I feel the journey was worth all the twist and turns. That is what the book describes. Other days, I feel like a fool.
One thing is for certain. The past is the past. The only thing we can do with it is learn and pay forward to help others!

What's all the "Bralalalala" all about?

From her "Bio"...'Bralalalala is a widely acknowledged talented rock singer and songwriter first and foremost. However, the fact she has lived as a transgender/crossdress/TS/TV whatever her whole life has uprooted her from society and family. Bralalalala's wealthy family has refused to see her since she was in college as a result of her beauty harming their eyes. Bralalalala appeared on national television ABC in 2000, termed a "rock star" on ABC's "Moral Court," yet was told "he" had no business to not expect to be faced with discrimination for being trans DESPITE having musical talent galore.'
I found her to be interesting in that I had never heard of her over the years and the "Bralalalala" site reads like a third party Hollywood bio!