A Band Aid for a Dress

 I follow a blog called "Jenny's Journey" from down under in Australia. Her most recent post concerning her gender dysphoria brought back a distant unpleasant memory with me. 

In the post, Jenny (left) described how her gender dysphoria was bothering her and her wife noticed. From what I can figure out, the wife does not support Jenny's gender issue totally but will let her pursue it behind closed doors.  To make a long story short, her wife told her to go into the bedroom and take care of the "problem". 

My deceased wife was similar to Jenny's in that she accepted me cross dressing but never the idea I was transgender. Over the years it was impossible for me to convince my spouse my gender dysphoria went deeper than just looking like a woman. Much of that was my fault because I was still learning what a transgender life would look like. In other words, so much more than just putting on a dress for an afternoon. I was trying to patch a huge problem with just a series of band aids.

Going back to Jenny's post, she was able to overcome her dark moods due to gender dysphoria and assume her "duties" as the Easter patriarch in the family. For a while Jenny was able to restore the gender balance in her life.

Again, I went through many of the same feelings as I mentally purged my feminine thoughts.  But all too often the old feelings would sneak back in and I wondered again and again what my life would be like on the feminine side. 

I fought it to the point of suicide before I finally gave in to what my soul was trying to tell me all along and I started to live full time as a transgender woman. However, I still remember the heartache and duress which went into my transition. 

I wish Jenny and all  of you who might be involved in the same gender dysphoric bind, best wishes on your journey.  

No Growth without Change

I saw this quote this morning as I was going through a few of my Word Press contacts and discovered this quote from Almas who writes about his internal monologue. At that point I started to think about all the times during my gender transition when I have been so scared I thought I couldn't move. 

Possibly the first of which occurred when I was probably no older than twelve. During that time of my life, I augmented my meager allowance by delivering newspapers  in the rural area we lived. I was able to save enough money to attempt to buy my own cross dressing accessories such as makeup. As it turned out, my Grandma lived within walking distance of the medium sized town we lived close to. 

Once I accumulated enough money, I figured out a way I could visit Grandma and spend the night. With my plan in place, I proceeded to do it. As I was to find out, that was the easy part. Finally the time arrived to try out my plan and needless to say I was equally thrilled and scared to go shopping for makeup for the first time ever. The downtown had several of the old school variety stores before Wal-Mart and the mall wiped them all out. I carefully chose one and after circling it several times, I decided to go in. My Dad didn't work too far away and he was the last person I wanted to run into! After I was fairly certain I didn't know anyone in the store, I found the makeup counter. Then I was truly in a panic. I had no idea of what to buy, there were so many choices. 

Somehow, I calmed down enough to purchase a couple items and found the nerve to go pay for them. My worst fears were not founded as she barely checked out my treasures and sent me on my way.

I changed and grew dramatically on that day. I knew from then on I was capable of buying my own feminine items. Even tough countess times I bought the wrong thing, again I was changing and growing. As it turned out, my next big purchases were a pair of my own black tights and shoes. 

Little did I know, this would only be the first of many chances to expand my transition in the years ahead.

On a another subject, I decided to add an old picture of me from several years ago as a dark haired summer casual woman to combat all the recent blondes I have shared here in Cyrsti's Condo,  

It's Nailed Down in Cyrsti's Condo

This morning as I was removing my best attempt ever at applying my own nail color. several thoughts came to mind.
First of all I am finally past the bitterness of the manual labor I did last week which precluded pretty, pretty nails and back on the path of learning the nuances of femininity.  As far as the nail polish issue goes, I could never quite conquer the smooth look and the need to be ambidextrous. I am right handed and applying polish to my left hand was always twice as easy as my left.
I also this morning learned of a "root touch up" product which will extend the life of my hair coloring.  We will see how easy it is to cover up gray!

Once again I'm amazed at the number of nuances there are to this transgender lifestyle. With all possible apologies to those of you who embrace the "sissy" lifestyle. changing your gender isn't for sissies.

Do I miss the days of the five minute shower, quick shave and out the door?  On occasion I do because I'm such a mentally disorganized person.  I'm pretty sure my GF gets a gold star for putting up with me as I packed for my first week long vacations as a girl! But hey, it's getting better and I sure as heck don't want to go back. It would kill me as I found out first hand last week.

My much maligned project which has depleted the ibuprofen supply here in town also netted me five "visits" from my past.  These acquaintances from my life as are all good guys but don't get me wrong, I have no desire to connect the dots with them as a guy again. Of course they sensed something was different with the long copper highlighted pony tail coming out of the back of my ball hat and smoother HRT transitioned skin. Then again, they are guys and sometimes just don't notice as much.

It's a huge long boring story of why I had to do the project at all. I will leave it at there was no choice.  If  I want to get out of where I live and sever all ties with my physical past, certain projects have to be done.

Very simply though, the week was a very graphic example to me that I am on the right path.  Now where is the new shade of nail polish?

Blast From the Past

Every once in awhile it's fun to go back in the old dusty archives here in Cyrsti's Condo and pull out an old post. This one is from the summer of 2011:

" I really get tired sometimes of all the "heavy" ideas and happenings of living a transgender life. Here's a funny little story. A week or so ago I was out making my rounds. Blond and beautiful (in my dreams) in my short black skirt and flip flops I slid out of my vehicle and started to walk towards a store. Without really looking around, I noticed a darned quarter on the ground by the car. Being the thrifty person I am I dove for it. On my way down I quickly remembered what I was wearing and maybe picking up the quarter wasn't such a good idea. No problem, no one around anyway. WRONG! I picked up the coin and looked straight into the eyes of a man who happened upon the scene. (of course) From the bemused look on his face, I had no idea of what he thought, I only know I quickly recovered my dignity and made my way to the store. My only redeeming value came from the fact I was wearing sunglasses. He couldn't see the shock in my eyes! Lesson learned...wear the skirt and leave the change alone!"

It Always Come Back

I found this YouTube video which I found to be quite prophetic and described my transgender life completely. You have to follow the video towards the end when Tiffany says her desire to live as a woman just never went away. It just kept coming back:

Signs of the Apocalypse

Maybe the Mayans were right. The world as we know it will change. You all know I don't really prefer to get real in depth into non transgender happenings in the world here in Cyrsti's Condo.  After all, who the hell am I anyhow? But I can not help commenting  now on certain events.

The Newtown shootings in Connecticut truly caused me to be ashamed of our country and of course feel the unspeakable grief for the families. Then the following insane event when the first responders were killed in the fire/shootings.

Now of course our country is rightfully embroiled once again in the gun control debate.  Yesterday during our family Christmas get together the gun debate raged on. We have a mix of real NRA advocates all the way to me who they consider a radical liberal (which isn't exactly true).

In essence I just said the problems are so totally out of control I can't fathom an answer. Don't quote the "right to bear arms" constitutional guarantee. (2nd Amendment)  I agree with that. Don't tell me the criminals are always going to have weapons...DUH!  I just said what do we do when you can drive to the super box store down the street (who has already destroyed industry and small businesses all around this country) and buy an assault weapon for approximately a thousand dollars? After you buy one will you go down the aisle and buy a bullet proof back pack for your child?

Of course they had no answer. I could only come up with a theory we helped this along years ago when we cut much of the mental health funding.  Around my parts at least. It was no secret to all of us that many individuals around here were on the street who shouldn't be.

Is this the apocalypse? Consider the Christmas weather map in this country:  The south was getting hammered by tornadoes. Here in the Midwest where I live we are having a real blizzard with thunder and snow. It also looked like the west was getting snow and rain...all accompanied by a Trans Siberian Orchestra heavy duty Christmas song. My cynical nature told me the true sign would be if the Cincinnati Bengals made it to the Super Bowl then Hell would freeze over.

Like the rest of you I'm just an "itty bitty" cog in a huge wheel with some sort of access to write about all of this. Essentially I can't even spell apocalypse without spell check. I'm also no Nostradamus but there is going to be a bumpy ride coming up. I'm not stocking up with 400 boxes of crackers and a 50 gallon drum of Australian "Vegemite" to get through all of this yet though and the only assault rifle I ever touched was an Army M-16.  I do sign petitions and try to help whenever I can.

At the least, my transgender life style has allowed me to become more accustomed to a bumpy lifestyle.

Excuse me, I have to go out and shovel ten inches of blowing snow.

Transgender Beauty Queens...Only the Gateway?

We all know beauty is more than skin deep. A zest for life transcends looks for all the people who truly matter in our world.

The Philippines recently landed square in the world transgender spotlight with pageant winner Kevin Balot but Filipina trans rights activist Naomi Fontanos recently told the Gay Star News  there is more to the transgender life than looking beautiful:


"Transgender women are nearly as visible in the Philippines as they are in Thailand, but does that mean the have a full bill of rights? Far from it, says Naomi Fontanos, founder of transgender rights group GANDA (Gender and Development Advocates) Filipinas. She talks to Gay Star News about health and legal advocacy, using contraceptives as hormones, the Catholic church and beauty pageants."

Read the rest of the interview here.

The Greatest Privilege of All

This occurred to me as I was walking down the sidewalk to the post office.
All of us should stop and reflect on our lives and the fact we are still living them.
I know I'm very lucky that the sun, moon and stars finally alligned for me. For a couple of rare years I have been able to live on my terms.
Of course, I realize life is a very powerful force and she may come at any time to reclaim her territory. (Name me a person she hasn't roundly beat up through portions of their lives?)
In a rare moment of clarity she made it quite clear to me that privilege is facing another day. A day that you are looking down at the grass and not up at it means you have a shot at change.
In our transgender existences we all have gone through a lot and of course the journey is far from over. In the meantime the true  privilege is to check out another sunrise.

Have You Seen Her?

I'm fortunate to have restablished a tie with a person I met years ago in my formative cross dressing years.
As I look back on the experiences with him and the others in the small group of individuals we used to "hang out" with "back in the day", it is truly amazing the diversity in the small numbers.
I would say this little social group numbered at the most 8 or ten people. Included were two who went on to complete the change, so we numbered a couple true transsexuals.  Another two or three would probably be called transgender today. Of course there were a couple cross dressers, a couple spouses and even an admirer thrown in.
Looking back the 30 plus years or so and I compare the learning experience with going to a diverse public school instead of a private school with all the same kids.
At any rate, as I have started to share some of my recent experiences with him, his most basic comment is Wow, what happened to the person I (him) used to know?
Of course I don't hold the comment against him, but that person so many years ago is gone. Our paths went separate directions and he stayed firmly in the closet (his choice-it's all good) and of course you see where I have ended up. (No cheap shots!)
He now is wondering (and asked) when I am embarking down the final path to SRS.
Well, I'm not I told him. I explained I am very comfortable where I am in life right now and more importantly the people I love and love me are comfortable with me too.
I guess that very thought pattern was foreign to him and maybe more sustainable in  today's society than in the past?
With all the information available these days, it's almost as if we are going through a knowledge bonanza that us (older) trans folks haven't seen since the internet started to boom.
All of the sudden I'm finding others like me and life choices I didn't know existed. Sort of like when I was so alone as a youth thinking I was the only one in the world who thought about gender like I did.
It has been a special experience contacting with him though! The whole process has given me yet another chance to step back in time and evaluate where I have come from. In the end, it's the best way to predict the future!

This is Too Damn Simple?

"There's no difference Honey (Cyrsti) between cross dresser, transgender, or transsexual for that matter. They are just the same people on different planes of development. Just like not everybody graduates from first grade, not everybody graduates into accepting themselves fully as what they are. The fetish thing isn't a fetish, at all. It's just the first step for most of us - the first thing we accept about ourselves. With time many move past that as they start accepting the other things. And some don't. It's really that simple. Only the people that don't want to admit that we're all apples from the same try try to make it more complicated."
A comment by Jamiegottagun on When is There a "T" in Crossdresser?

Come on Jamie, lets be real careful about making all this simple!!!!  Nice Job.

A Long Trans Woman's Shopping List

This post is from a couple of known resources, "Autumn Sandeen" and "Pam's House Blend".
 It's a very long list called a "A Shopping List of Trans Woman's Shame"
As I read it I saw one, then two then many items I wanted to pass along.
I soon realized I shouldn't highlight my own agenda's (again) and let you decide.
Read it here.

Kind of Says It All?

Thanks Bobbie!!!

Let's Be Careful Out There!

No matter how some of the public news is becoming a little more positive about the transgendered community, hate crime is still a HUGE problem for us as evidenced in this video from San Francisco:
Maybe that little container of pepper spray I've been thinking of adding to my purse isn't such a bad idea!

Transgender Life in My Little World

As I approach 4 full months on hormones, the major changes I seem to be feeling now are internal with moods and hot flashes.
As I have passed along before, I have cried more in the past month than in my last 50 some years of life.Now, I don't want to portray these tears as a major sign of depression. They were more of a reflection of life and memories I was having.
I suppose you could call this a "liberation" of sorts or ideally I should have been this way my entire life and not let "male conditioning" get in my way.
It doesn't matter. I just know it is happening. Very simply, a couple genetic women I talk to have said "welcome to their world".
So, as I sit here file my nails and think about this post - I guess I am getting what I asked for and yes it does feel natural and good. I was seeking a slow and steady feminization of my body without any major surgery and it's happening.  A whole summer of new fun is almost upon me with more hair on my head and less on my body.
The only frustration I have are those who want to take me to task for how I got here, where I am going and what label I attach to the process.
For the rest of you on (and off) this blog-thanks sooooo much for being along!

What Will They Think of Next???

It's heresy! The next thing you know people will be thinking of letting transgendered people vote!
Read this from Singapore (More reaction to Jennifer Talackova's acceptance in Miss Universe)

Engineer Leslie Wong, 29, said the rule change was unlikely to alienate fans of the competition. “If you're in a beauty pageant, you probably look like a beautiful woman,” he said. “I'm not sure I would even be able to tell who is transgendered.”
That's all good but here is the radical part:
Trans student Marla Bendini, 26, said transgender contestants could lead to a more positive representation of the community in society. Bendini said society should also make room for pre-operative transsexuals, but the rule change was a good first step. “It's a beauty pageant, not a glorification of genitals,” she said.

For just a second the floor under my feet was getting colder and I thought hell was freezing over!

Video Choice-Name Choice

I came across this article in the "New York Times" Opinion Page. It's a touching and sensitive look at our culture and the many variations. The same variations which on occasion lead us down such an destructive internal path.
 Here's the intro by Sharon Shattuck published: April 18, 2012:
"  I’ve heard much debate in the past year about what constitutes a “healthy family.” Some politicians argue that the best environment for a child is one with a mother and a father — and the underlying context here is that a “normal” family should be helped by a “normal” heterosexual couple.

For me, “normal” is something entirely different.  Yes, I grew up with a happily married mother and father in a small, conservative Midwestern town. But my father is transgender, and he’s a cross-dresser. He has never tried to hide these facts from anyone.

As you can imagine, my family stuck out like a sore thumb in our small town, though I didn’t quite realize to what extent until my dad legally changed his name from Michael to Trisha. And yes, I sometimes still get tripped up about whether to refer to my dad as “he” or “she.” Growing up with Trisha caused me some grief, mostly because I worried about what other people thought of my family and me.  But Trisha just went about her business, painting prolifically in oil on canvas, playing the banjo — and winning people over by simply being a good friend, neighbor and parent.  You can’t choose your parents. Now I know that I wouldn’t want my dad any other way.

What I’m trying to do now, with this short piece and with a feature-length documentary I’m working on, is to put myself in Dad’s shoes, and in the shoes of other LGBT families across the country.  There are a lot of us out there, and I hope that one day we will see “healthy family” redefined to include us, too.

Sharon Shattuck is an animator and filmmaker who lives in Brooklyn.  Her award-winning animation “Whale Fall” had its premiere on Radiolab."

And here is the video:

Asian Transgender News

From "AsiaOne News": 
A beautiful transgender has caused a stir by registering as an election candidate for the Nan Provincial Administration Organisation.
"I'm confident that my experience and ability will be useful in the development of Nan," Yonlada "Kirkkong" Suanyos, 30, said yesterday.

This is the first time a transgender has run for a political post at the provincial level.
Although she is a new face in politics, she is famous as president of the Trans Female Association of Thailand.
For many years, she has campaigned for the rights of trans-females.
The PhD candidate owns a jewellery business and runs a satellite television station.
Last year, she was named by a media organisation as one of the most influential women in Thai society.

Down Under Comment

"Jamiegottagun" commented on the casting of the Austrailian transgender icon "Carlotta" by a genetic female actress:
"Particularly small-thinking when they could have had Shane Jarek (Courtney Act) instead.
How much you want to be they never even considered casting anyone besides a female actress?"

I don't think they probably ever considered  casting a transgendered actress or even a male playing the role.
For those of you who haven't heard or seen "Courtney Act" - here she is!

A Plethora of Classic Videos!

I posted a couple of interesting classic videos over on "Trannsnation"
Also I just put a classic "Christopher Morley" doing Marilyn Monroe here in the Condo's Entertainment Center.
Enjoy!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Australia's transgender icon performer "Carlotta" will reportedly be played by a very genetic woman- (pregnant) Jessica Marais in an upcoming telemovie.

"Carlotta"

"Jessica Marais"

Carlotta, who was born Richard Byron rose to fame as a cabaret performer in the Kings Cross stage show "Les Girls" and was rumored to be the the inspiration for Terrance Stamp's character in "Priscilla Queen of the Dessert."





Obviously a real live transgendered actress would most of our preferences to play the role but certainly "Carlotta" must be flattered by the choice!