I'm More Trans than You???

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

How can that be? It shouldn't be but it's one of the many dividing points we face in the transgender community.

Plus, with all which has happened recently in our country with bigoted politicians we all need to stick together now as never before.

We also have to consider just how many factors go into considering why anyone would consider such a preposterous thought. It used to be surgeries were one of the dividing points over someone was more transgender than another. Years ago, Connie and I coined the term (probably not original) "Trans Nazi" for those who thought since we had not undergone extensive gender realignment surgeries, somehow we were not allowed to claim the term transgender. 

These days I feel as if the pressure to conform to being more transgender than anyone else is more involved with how you live. In other words, if you claim to be trans and don't live it on a daily basis in the public's eye, are you no more than a dedicated cross dresser. Repeating what I said in yesterday's post, gender doesn't come from what is between the legs, it comes from what is between the ears. Even though for whatever reason, the trans person just can't live everyday as their chosen authentic gender. Along the way, perhaps we have lost the perspective of the common point of what is was which brought us altogether. In the beginning perhaps we felt a need to feel somehow superior to other cross dressers because of appearance. I know I faced a superiority complex from a group of transvestites I referred to as the "A Listers". Sadly their beautiful appearances didn't carry over into their personalities. Most of the "A's" acted similar to the mean cheerleader types in high school. A few I knew did take the extra move to pursue surgeries to supposedly enhance their femininity and the rest I simply lost track of. 

These days I am stuck in some sort of a middle point in the argument of being more transgender than the next person. On one hand, I could put myself up on some sort of a fragile pedestal. On the other, I could feel the rejection from others because even though I live full time as a woman, surrounded by those who only see me as such, on the other hand, for whatever reason I have never undergone any gender surgeries. I am sure more than a few could consider me as no more than a glorified cross dresser. Or, as one reader pointed out so rudely years ago...just another old man on hormones. I found the comment to be humorous and if the truth be known there are very few people who I care what they say anyhow.

As precarious a position most transgender women or men find themselves these days with anti LGBT legislation, there is no time for petty bickering concerning who or who is not better situated to represent our community and should not be so segmented. We need everyone from those deep in the closet to those who have undergone genital realignment surgeries to understand their paths contribute to an important path to guide others. 

Being more transgender than someone else, simply should not exist for the welfare and advancement of us all. 

Monday Monday

 Another week has passed here in the Condo and it is time to face another Monday. 

What better way is there than to feature one of my favorite Facebook acquaintances who features a new photo nearly every Monday. I am  featuring again a transgender woman from Wisconsin Melonee Malone who along with her cis woman wife have what they call "Boy Toy" nights every Saturday. 

As I point out every time, Melonee has transitioned well and is fully "post op" meaning she has gone through the genital realignment surgery.

Hopefully her picture will make your Monday (and week)go a little bit better!

No I Can't Help

This comment comes from Calie and goes back to the recent post concerning internalized transphobia. It's a great comment and indirectly happened to me too:

"I assume we're talking transphobia within the trans community.

I helped a very close friend through her transition, from when she was a "he" to the completion of her many surgeries and well into her new life. Throughout her transition, she was very active in our local trans organization but all of that came to an end once she had fully transitioned and started a completely new life and job. She vowed to stay away from the trans community and has continued for many years now to have nothing to do with it. I sort of get that.

What just killed me and pretty much killed our friendship was a question I asked her when she had separated herself from the trans community. From my pre-teens, I have always felt I should transition. For many complicated reasons, I never did. There was a time, following her transition that I was very, very close to making the decision to go forward. I asked her if she would stand by me, as I did during her transition...going out with me, coaching me, helping me with mannerisms, voice, etc......all of the things I helped her with. With no hesitation at all, she said no. She felt that associating with someone who clearly would not pass, at least in the beginning, would result in her being clocked. OK, I get it, but I was deeply hurt and we now speak to each other perhaps once a year."

Thanks for the comment!  I imagine you were hurt! So sorry. 

I had a close acquaintance I saw on a fairly regular basis until she went through the genital realignment surgery. She was always very presentable as a cross dresser and/or a transvestite back in those days, so in many ways I considered her a muse. Even though she didn't indicate she wanted to break off all interaction with me after her operation, I assumed she would want too. After all I was a mere questioning cross dresser back in those days. Perhaps she would have had enough wisdom to tell me moving forward to GRS was not a matter of looks. It was a matter of how you felt. 

I am sorry now I assumed she never wanted to see me again. 

It Takes Time

I went to a very sparsely attended cross dresser - transgender support group meeting recently. Due to the holidays, only eight attended. Out of the eight though, I was amazed at the diversity represented under the trans umbrella.

We had one person who attended who is is only three weeks away from going under the knife for genital realignment surgery on one end of the spectrum, all the way to a gender fluid person who still is exploring which way she wants to lead her life. I used the feminine pronouns because she did when I saw her.

Then there was one of the board members who is slowly coming out to her family accompanied by another who described herself as a stay at home house wife, who brought Christmas cookies. Of course there was me. I live full time as a woman but have no desire to have any surgery done in my future.

Finally, there were two first time attendees. One of which is moving to Cincinnati from the Phoenix area and the other who I can only describe as a grumpy old man. Along the way he tried to pull the age card which didn't work with me. It turns out we were the same age and he was another Viet Nam war era vet. I wondered just why the hell he was there until he said he was looking for a surgeon to do GRS on him. Chances might be dim though since he just went through open heart surgery.

I wondered how much time he has spent living in the feminine world. You may remember you used to have to prove you had lived as a woman for two years before surgery would be considered. I don't see the need for that but then again I would think a person would want to try a gender "test drive" before going to the extreme of changing the equipment.

Not long ago I wrote a post discussing my own progression from cross dresser to transgender woman and Paula commented:

"There is so much difference between dressing up glam to go out and have fun and living a regular every day life. I will admit to missing some of the thrill of going out cross dressed. Sure there was an element of fear in that excitement, but was so much fun.

I thought I would never be free of the compulsion that drove me to cross dress, but it is nearly six years since I last cross dressed, I can in all honesty say that since I first "went full time" I have felt no inclination to furtively buy a pair of brogues dress up in masculine clothes and sneak out hoping the neighbors won't see me." 

I agree with you Paula. I believe when you go "full time" you really join the cis women of the world. An example would be my partner Liz, who is a cis woman. She works at home and spends most of her time in jeans and sweaters as I do. On the other hand it is great fun to get dressed up for a holiday party. The party was a reminder too of my long ago cross dressing days when get dressed up was mandatory.

Learning life as a trans woman just takes time!

A Whole Lot of Stress about Nothing

Well. my trip to the auto store to get the oil changed turned out to be very uneventful.  In fact the guy at the counter barely looked at me as he made small chat about the vastly newer car I brought in to replace one of our ancient ones. I thought at the time he was somehow afraid to look at me but as the afternoon progressed, no one else paid me much attention either. It was highly satisfying just to blend into society and not be outwardly read as a transgender woman.

Last night I continued my string of good luck by going to one of the socials put on by my cross dresser - transgender support group. Anymore it is fun for me to just sit back and watch some of the more flamboyant cross dressers out themselves. However, it's a very inclusive group anymore since sitting close to me were two acquaintances who are scheduled to go under the surgeons knife in the upcoming month by undergoing genital realignment surgery. Both have a lot more courage than I have! Not so long ago, we had a person close to the group pass away from complications after her surgery.

Onto another topic. This afternoon is the final appointment with my hair dresser I love so much. It seems her husband is getting another job and they are moving out of town.

I have found the older I get, change is harder to accept. Now, in the not so distant future, I will have to find another hair dresser.

All in all, if that is all I have to whine about, life is good.   

Ohio Takes Another Baby Step Forward

Finally, Ohio has taken another step to join the rest of the country and allow genders on birth certificates to be changed. By the way, I live in Ohio and my birth certificate is my only remaining form of identification which doesn't state I am female.

Here is the story from the "Associated Press":

 "Four transgender people challenging an Ohio rule preventing people from changing the gender listings on their birth certificates have won their day in court.

U.S. District Court Judge Michael Watson denied the state’s request that the lawsuit filed by the ACLU, Lambda Legal and the ACLU of Ohio be dismissed.

The lawsuit contends the birth certificate rule imposed by the state Department of Health and the Office of Vital Statistics is unconstitutional."

Ohio and Tennessee are the two remaining states not allowing any sort of birth certificate changes.

However to my knowledge many different versions of these changes exist.  For example, I don't know that when and if Ohio's changes take place, will a person have to go through genital realignment surgery to  be able to change their birth certificate or offer proof they are living as their chosen gender.   

That point is of importance to me because I have not had, nor do I plan on having any surgery. 

A federal lawsuit challenging Tennessee’s rule was filed in April. Kansas ended a federal lawsuit there in June, when Democratic Gov. Laura Kelly struck a deal by agreeing to allow gender identity changes on Kansas birth certificates.

Those "Pesky" Cross Dressers!

Our recent posts here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning the dressing habits of the average cross dresser versus transgender woman continue to garner interest. Here are a couple more comments:

1. Sally BendMarch 13, 2018 at 1:17 PM

   "You're note alone, hon - I've noticed the same thing. There are 2 trans support groups in my area, and I felt guilty for the longest time about noticing the same thing.
   
   There would always be one side of the room wearing beautiful dresses, with their hair and makeup done, looking happy to be among friends. Then there's the other side of the room, looking like they just threw on a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt, looking bored or exasperated.
   
   I stopped going to the one meeting because there was far too much scorn and condescension going both ways. I know it shouldn't matter what we wear, and I get the mindset that some girls don't feel the need to impress anybody anymore, but I look at those meetings as an event, much like going out to dinner with friends, and I appreciate a little effort."
2. FABULOUSCONNIEDEEMarch 13, 2018 at 1:51 PM

   "I had a cross dresser friend up until a couple of years ago. Replies from her/him (we knew each other as both) to my calls and emails ceased a while after I decided to live full-time as a woman. Prior to my decision, we spent many hours discussing our respective "conditions," and one night I did some math to put some quantity to what we felt was our "quality time" presenting as women. Between the weekly CD social club outings and about one weekend a month, multiplied by the number of years we thought we had left to be able to present (maybe just the ability to walk in high heels?), I came up with a total of 10,000 hours (500 hrs/yr X 20 years).
   
   The difference between us was, mainly, our respective definitions of "quality time." To her, it was to be dressed to the nines, where I felt that the ability to just be who I was amounted to quality for me. My 10,000 hours have long since been used up, even when only considering waking hours of each day. Had I tried to dress to the nines for all of them, though, I probably would have permanently damaged myself in those high heels! I do love to dress up when the occasion calls for it, but I don't need to do it to feel complete. I think that when one has to rely only on their allotted 10,000 hours (or whatever can be arranged), she wants to get as much out of it as possible.
   
   Which one of us, though, might have something to prove? Going for full-blown glamour may be an effort to prove something, but I think that presenting oneself minimally could also be an attempt to prove something, as well: "See, I am a woman no matter what I wear or how I present!" Then, we must also ask ourselves the question as to whom we are offering the proof. Is it to others, or is it to ourselves?"
3. First, on Sally's comment. I agree with the "scorn" comment. In fact, since two or three of the most abrasive members quit coming to the larger group I go to, (all trans women), meeting attendance has started to go up, although another transitioning woman seems to have the ability to step into the void on occasions and be over bearing. 
4. Connie, of course I think the proof of being a woman lies within each of us. Over the years, I too have lost contact with several acquaintances who went on to have genital realignment surgery. It could be we grew apart because I was too involved in my own transition and I felt somehow they had arrived and wouldn't  care about me. Now I'm not so sure.
5. As far as presenting to the groups I go to now, I try to wear tasteful but still fashionably strong makeup but I normally never wear anything other than jeans or leggings, with a nice sweater. My look represents the woman I have become.
6. Thanks to Connie and Sally for your comments.

Does "Passing" Equal Privilege?

If you are fortunate enough to have (or are transitioning) favorably, does that give you the right to say you are more trans than another, or worse yet, turn your back on the entire LGBT community? Well, first of all, no one is more trans than another. Where does that even come from?

All of you of a certain (more mature) age, may remember that "back in the day" you were expected to go all the way to genital realignment surgery and then disappear into society. The problem of course was, we (as a community) lost all of our possible activists or advocates.

Old picture from two summers ago, overlooking the
Ohio River...Ripley, Ohio

These days, of course, the times may be "a-changin' ". One can easily see, with the number of new transgender politicians alone, the amount of trans activists is increasing.

Being under the so called "transgender unbrella" where we are so good at eating our young though, unity is still hard to come by. I am still waiting to read about some IQ-45 supporting trans women taking to task the rules being changed to support her. I haven't yet, although Jenner came close and I know a few trans women who still support t-rump. And I'm off subject!

It used to be, simple "passing" just meant relief from transphobic or homephobic remarks. Now, it's supposed to be relegated to a lesser problem with societies' new found understanding of the differences within the LGBT community.

Dare I say, anymore passing now, is not as much a product of protection, as one of vanity. Take my case as an example, I have worked damn hard to get to where I am, and I don't want to give it up and will fight to keep it. Vanity, or not.

What Makes a Girl?

Lately, I have read some mostly unsettling comments concerning the need for genital realignment surgery, and I had to add my two cents, of course.

I'm paraphrasing, but essentially the comments were a variation of the same old ones which said no matter how much surgery one goes through, you are still the same person sexually.

In essence that is true and does make a great argument for transgender women and trans men when you think it through from our angle.

Take me for example. I am not seeking any "bottom surgery" but in my mind, genitals don't make the person anyhow. I still feel like a woman and always have. I just took a different path than most all other cis women to get here.

To be sure, my breasts, full head of hair and softening skin give me the sensual experiences of being feminine and help me to project my true transgender self to the world, but if they were all taken away tomorrow, I wouldn't change.

Plus yesterday, I had one of the rare days when I felt my makeup, clothes and overall appearance were the best I had experienced in a while. Even still, I am the same person gender-wise, a girl. I just aligned all my personal stars for a change.

I still am amazed at the number of people (some of whom went through GRS) who obviously didn't know, or think through the total changes which would occur. Many I think, just wanted a vagina for some sort of an ego trip, not the deep down urges of body/mind alignment. Otherwise, they wouldn't be so bitter about the process.

In this day and age people, transgender or not need to have a better understanding of the differences between sexuality and gender. Especially in the overall LGBT world before they start spouting off about it!

Transition VI

Welcome to my Cyrsti's Condo "Levels of Mtf transition." In level five we touched on your "aura" confidence and presentation levels. In level six we are going to assume you have figured out the life you are leading is the correct one.

As I have written a number of times, only you can decide gender on the most basic level possible. Do you meditate? Are you spiritual? Or, in my case, my life felt more natural and it opened up the other two I just mentioned.

More than anymore of the transition levels, VI is personal. Forget how you look, or act, this is all about the you- you should have been.

Perhaps this is the level you have decided to start HRT and began the process of GRS. (Neither of which should define your level of femininity.)

I like to call Level VI the closest level to going through adolescence. The world is just newer and more exciting somehow.

Perhaps it's because Level VII will be bringing more serious challenges!