Knowing the Rules before You Break Them

 

Image from Milan de Clercq 
on UnSplash

I had a very good idea of what it would take me to survive in a male world before I decided to see if the grass on the other side of the gender border would be any better or greener.

Growing up in a very male dominated family with the only girl being my mom, provided me with a so-called brightly lit path to my future. I was fortunate in some ways to have a larger male body to keep the bullies away as I played sports such as football and baseball regularly.  Of course, I came to dislike my body completely when I went through male puberty and had a difficult time finding any new fashionable girls' clothes to wear. 

When I went through the hated male puberty, the rules of the road so to speak, became clearer and clearer to me. Coming from a white middle-class family with two working parents in the 1950's to mid 1960's gave me a work ethic I used to scrape together the meager funds I needed to buy my own makeup and a few fashion accessories. I knew I could not ask my parents for the money because they would want to know what I needed it for. Any hint of femininity on my part would immediately break all the rules and would result in trips to a psychiatrist. Even then, I knew going to a therapist who knew nothing about gender issues would be a disaster. 

I knew the rules and played the game of male gender the best I could. I found good hiding places for my femininizing fashion and makeup while at the same time, dreamed of the day I could buy a nice wig. In those days, I was able to get by with a mirror who never lied to me by telling me I was a pretty girl. The feelings of joy or gender euphoria would continue several days before the pressure built up on me to cross dress again and again. When I began to realize I was just scratching the surface of my gender issues, I became quite good at knowing one of the primary male rules taught to me as a kid. If you did not like something, internalize it until it went away.

The problem I had was, my desire to be a woman never went away and it was so much more than just being a phase. From the darkness of my closet, I had what turned out to be a distorted idea of what womanhood meant to females everywhere. I only saw what I considered the good part was. Such as no military service and being able to enjoy the wonderful world of woman's fashion. I left out the challengingly part of women's lives such as child raising and toxic men, to name a few. As I was able to cross the gender border, I did realize the grass was not always greener and had I truly been a birth daughter to my mom, extra pressure to conform to her standards would have increased. I am certain she would have pushed me to go to the same university she did, all the way to pledging the same sorority.  I would have again been breaking rules. Just of a different sort.

When I arrived at a time when I was drafted into the military, I was forced into being a follower of rules more than I ever had in the past. Conforming to new Army standards to survive at least kept most of my mind off of my gender issues. I needed to put my desires aside and just dream of the day I could be free to be a transgender woman in my future. It was difficult, but I did it.

By the time I was honorably discharged three years later from the Army, I was able to settle back into the life I had before without one big exception. Without military service looming over my head, I could concentrate on my future. When I did, it became increasingly evident to me, there was a possibility I could break all the gender rules and achieve transgender womanhood. It was still going to be a decades long journey from there, but I was encouraged for once.

Of course, once I began to explore the world as a novice transgender woman, I found a whole new set of rules to deal with. To make matters worse, I had no knowledge of many of the rules I was about to break before I did them. The workbook I was using was blank and I needed to write the rules as I needed them. 

Again, I was fortunate, and I survived when I broke the rules, but I learned quickly since I was free.  Then as I safely continued along my gender path, I found I could make it safely to my dream. Mainly because I knew the rules from both sides of the binary gender and I was a better person for it. 

Being a Transgender Victim

Image from University of Cincinnati
Trans Seminar.  

It is difficult not to play or be the victim if you are transgender. 

It is always easy to think why me and resort to various escape mechanisms such as in my case, running home and cross dressing in my dress when anything went remotely wrong in my frail male world. Making the varsity football team just wasn't as important as trying to look like a cheerleader in my mirror at home. 

Many years went by before I grew out of being a victim. Perhaps I made my biggest strides in Army basic training when I had no where to run and hide behind my feminine feelings. Ironically, my intense introduction to man hood would in turn enable me to be a better transgender woman in the future. Or as my second wife used to tell me, be man enough to be a woman. For the longest time, I had no answer to what she was telling me. To begin with, I had no idea of how I would support myself as a trans woman and at the same time, I was still very inexperienced as a woman. I had a ton of learning to do. 

As I finally was able to escape the confines of my male existence, I fell back heavily on his new found idea of never being a victim. When I initially was going through all the trials and tribulations of attempting to present convincingly as a woman, many times I was a dismal failure. The easy thing to do would have been to be a victim and blame the world but I chose the other path and kept going back to my cross dressing drawing board and try again. By doing so, slowly I was able to learn what I needed to get by.

By not becoming a victim, I was able to look the world in the eye and learn to communicate one on one with mainly women in public. Very quickly, I was able to see in their eyes what their perception of me was. Mostly I found the majority of women knew I was transgender and were curious what I was doing in their world. By the time I reached that point in our interaction, there was no turning back and I was in so deep I could not back out and hide at home or in my car. Most importantly I learned to stand my ground and learn a new feminine life. Of course there were many new rules I needed to observe and accept before I could move on but I did. The whole process was not without setbacks and many times I needed time to rest before I re-entered the fray cis-women call life. I had learned from my work experience, women have the tendency to form cliques unlike the teams men form, so I knew once I was accepted by a women's clique, I had it made. Just getting there was the issue.

As I widened my search in the venues I frequented, destiny enabled me to be successful. By pure luck, one of the bartenders who always waited on me set me up on a date with her lesbian Mom and we became close friends  and remain so to this day. Then, one night another woman sent me a note down the bar and we became friends also and the three of us were inseparable for years.

Probably, my most chance encounter of all came when my current wife Liz answered my "ad" on a dating site and we have been together for nearly fourteen years now. She came along on-line after having to put up with an incredible amount of trash. For some reason, I refused to become a victim again and kept trying.

Being transgender is a difficult situation to find yourself in. As I always point out, trans is NOT a choice but being a victim is and it is a difficult burden to overcome. 

Her World...Her Rules

Wedding Picture. My daughter on left, Liz
beside me on right with her son.
From the Jessie Hart
Collection

As I gender transitioned into a whole new feminine world, I discovered many more rules than I ever thought possible.

When I first started, I thought if I concentrated on how I looked, the majority of my work would be behind me. After all, I could immediately pad my body with falsie breasts and hips, then throw on a wig and have the process of looking like a woman very much behind me. All I had to do then was perfect my makeup and wardrobe then hit the world as my new self. Immediately, the problem I ran into was taking my mirror or photo image and putting it into motion. At that point I learned I had accomplished the easy part of her rules and she was laughing at me. Along with my second wife, who in no uncertain terms tried to tell me I had so far to go. 

I did the best I could as I took every opportunity when I was alone to walk femininely and most importantly attempted to remember to exchange the old male scowl on my face with a more pleasant expression. I wanted to try to make myself more accessible to other women and not scare them away by having them think there was something wrong with me. 

No matter how hard I tried (and still do), I still had to concentrate on her rules for me. No matter how much I didn't like it, there was still a double standard in the world for women. The better I presented in the world, the more I encountered it. It seemed my feminine inner person was saying welcome to her world. As my explorations into the world at large increased dramatically, the more male privileges' I lost. Especially in the area of personal safety. After a while though, I was able to discover and be accepted by a small circle of friends who provided me with a natural safety net as well as with other feminine needs.

Finally I had enough and I decided to enter her world full time and play by all of her rules. And, I still do to this day. An example was this morning when I went with my wife Liz to her Doctor's appointment. Before I went I had to make sure I was freshly shaved and had applied a small amount of makeup. After I tied back my hair, the easy part was done. Once we arrived at the office, I needed to do my best to move the right way and smile to other women along the way. Nothing out of the ordinary happened so I must have been successful.

Perhaps learning communication skills with other women was the most important rule I ever learned. At the least, it was the scariest and time consuming rule to undertake. It was certainly worth the effort.