The Transgender Fear Factor

 

Image from Darius Bashar
on UnSplash

Even though my transgender fear factor is a relatively dramatic term, it was very real to me.

So much so, I used to walk clear across malls to avoid groups of teen aged girls who in the past treated me with scorn. Finally, I had enough and decided to zero in on what my presentation problems were. When I did, I was able to blend in with other ciswomen I was around and only then did I begin to really address my fears.

Before I did though, I needed to define exactly what transgender fear meant to me. The problem was I could not go to an internet site and read about someone else’s definition of fear could be. I was on my own to decide. To figure it out, the only way I could was to test my new life out in person. At that time, I was used to going to gay venues because of their relatively safe spaces and was afraid to leave the venues and see if I could be successful in so called straight venues where I knew I would like the atmosphere.

Then, my biggest issue was being pulled aside in one of these new venues and being physically assaulted. Ironically, the only place I ever was in any kind of danger was outside of a gay bar I went to a lot. I paid my way out of the danger with my last five-dollar bill. The two men who stopped me took the five and let me on my way. I learned my lesson and never went back there again.

Fear as a transgender woman and fear as a man was obviously different. I was stripped of all my former male privileges. Most importantly, out of all of them the privilege of personal security proved to be the most dramatic change I needed to face. All my life as a man, I was fairly good size and was able to bluster and bluff my way out of any difficult situation I ran into, plus I was always the protector for the ciswomen around me. All of a sudden, I was put into a world of who was going to protect me.

What I learned from my fear factor was what all ciswomen learned from situations early in life. Plan ahead for potentially negative situations is the best way to have very little happen to you. Such as staying out of dark or dimly lit parking lots and go out with other women friends whenever possible. When I did learn my new limitations, I felt better about my new life in the world as a transfeminine person.

Dealing with fear factor with me also was involved in the amount of male baggage I needed to lose to survive. Since I took until the age of sixty to finally completely transition into a cisgender world, I had plenty of baggage to get rid of. What I managed to keep was my life-long love of sports. I discovered I could go to the big sports bars I was fond to going to as a man and watch my favorite teams play, something I could not do in the gay venues I was going to. When I did begin to be accepted as a regular in the big venues, I began to notice the other women around me who were also into sports. Which made my life easier. I began to be more confident, friendly, and overall, more fun to be around.

Predictably, when my sports baggage stayed, many other parts of my life had to go. I was fortunate that I had retained a relationship with my only child, my daughter. On the other hand, I lost all contact with my only brother’s side of the family. We had not talked in over a decade ago when I came out to him right before Thanksgiving and my invitation to the family dinner was revoked. In the long term, I never missed any interactions with my brother and ended up cherishing my time with my daughter. So, putting my fear of rejection proved to be unfounded and I won the battle.

It was never easy for me to put my transgender fears behind me as I transitioned from a male to female dominated world. Mainly because I did not realize all the rules which would change in the world when I aggressively pursued my transgender dreams. Some of my changes came seamlessly, when others came with big obstacles. An example is I was always a basically shy person as a man, which was easy to lose, when I started to live as a woman in a cisgender world. It was worth it to battle and win my wars with transgender fears.

 

Sunday Morning Ramblings

Been busy chasing my tail lately. The worst part is I didn't catch it and I wondered where I would have found the time to do all these things if I had not retired!
Normally when I go through these times I have bits and pieces of ideas run through my mind which I would like to pass along and just don't get around to it.

The first was an animated chat a friend and I had about transphobic gay men. Do they have a tendency to be more transphobic and why. Sometimes I think they do and here is why. First, in some ways transgender women and men are forced on them. We go to their hang outs and sometimes don't interact so well. I've seen more than one cross dresser make a fool of himself in a gay club. On a deeper level though, a gay man has no more understanding of us than a hetero normal one does. If you throw in the drag queen culture, the average gay person has as much reason to wonder as the rest of the population. Plus on a deeper gender level, do we represent a "trip to the dark side" for an effeminate man who may have been teetering on the gender divide anyhow.  I'm biased but I certainly feel coming out gay is definitely easier than coming out transgender. We all know if you protest too much, you may have a dress hanging in the back of your closet hidden from the world.

Of course, I don't dwell on anything long, so it was time to move on.

The second thought that buzzed through my noggin came from a transgender vet blog reader who asked about how should she approach her first visit to a VA therapist. The whole question led me to thinking how much of a personal decision this was and how to handle it. My easy over simplistic answer was-just be yourself.  Easier said than done. I could only give my own rendition of hiking up my big girl panties and walking through the VA center as me. It was easier for my therapist to connect the dots since she never did she me as what was left of my guy self...BUT...my personal situation made that easier for me. I'm widowed and didn't have that part of the puzzle to wade through. My therapist wanted to make sure I had some sort of support system to fall back on if I started HRT. Also if I use the VA as an example, every center or clinic is different. From what I hear, my center in Ohio probably rates a B-. I would give them an A for wanting to do the right thing and a D- for having the tools to do it. While we are on the alphabet, let's toss in a "B" for bureaucracy on their end and a "P" for persistence on mine. I would guess the bottom line is somehow, someway you need to convince your therapist you need to go on a hormone path for your own mental well being. You notice I say "mental well being" not "mental illness".
As a final  point of reference, keep asking for another appointment with another person until you get one who you can relate to and ALWAYS remember to ask for the VA patient advocate in your center. The VA is directed to help you. Don't let them out of it!

As I embark on another busy week with the coldest weather in four years, I imagine my mind will go into overdrive again and I will certainly pass on the ramblings to you.
By the way, if you want to get a hold of me, my email is cyrstih@yahoo.com and if nothing crazy happens I should get back with you quickly. It helps if you put the "blog" word in the subject title.
Also, I never get into personal things by name in Cyrsti's Condo without your permission.

Gay Bar Survival Guide

"Brianna Austin" recently came up with this "Gay Bar Survival Guide."
This whole idea has wonderful advice for you less experienced cross dressers just starting to test the feminine waters.
Gay bars and clubs seemingly are naturals for this process but again all may not be as it seems in some places.
I have told the story several times here about the intense transgender discrimination I experienced one night in a male gay bar. It was an experience which gave me the willpower to establish myself in straight venues. Follow the link above for more!