Transwoman Admirer out of the Closet

A very touchy (no pun intended) subject in the transgender community is how "male admirers" fit in, or don't.  It's a true, "damned if you do, damned if you don't subject."  If course a huge majority of trans women covet the attention from a man for any number of reasons. Some transgender women seek a male for companionship, or for validation or sexual needs.

Over the years though, the term "admirer" has been known in very negative terms. In my own life I can see why with my limited contacts with "admirers". Fair or not, the majority of my experiences were on line "back in the day" when I was seriously transitioning for the first time.  As I have written in Cyrsti's Condo, I tried to give each gender an equal look. Before I did anything in the process,  I had to get past the validation factor. Like any other cross dresser trying to "pass" over the years I fantasized about being on the arm of a man to further the process.  As I transitioned though, I wondered about a guy accepting me for what I am and vice versa.

Turned out, that was difficult. I went on a couple main line paid dating sites which were tough to navigate because of their lack of any transgender groups at all. In other words, their sites were set up in strict gender binaries only. Men wanting women, women wanting women, men wanting men etc. After a while I would change groups every week ago, because I could.  The results? Two one and done dates and numerous "no shows".  So you guess I can I'm reasonably biased against admirers and that is wrong. Why? Being trans I should be the last to  stereotype any other group, specifically admirers, as I read in this post from Salon called, "I'm attracted to Trans Women":

"The heteronormative world in which we live had successfully convinced me that being attracted to transgender women meant I had a fetish. I began questioning my sexuality and even my masculinity. I didn’t even know what to call my sexual orientation. Finally one day, after hours of searching, I came across two terms that described what I was feeling. Trans-attraction and trans-orientation.

Neither one is official or common, but their use is growing due to the increasing demand for a way to categorize people who are attracted to transgender people. When I saw these words, a feeling of relief washed over me: I was not alone. I don’t always describe myself as trans-attracted, but the label helped me feel like I had a place in the queer community and it helps others understand my sexuality."

The simple act of the matter is we probably are facing most of the same obstacles to relationships with men as genetic women.  The sexual tension is always there but how do you build a relationship around it? Talk to most any single  woman of any age at all and she will bemoan the lack of quality men in the dating pool.

The sad part about all of this admirer drama is we trans women do provide certain positives we can bring to a relationship. Which is another subject.

On the bright side Shelle, one of regular visitors here in Cyrsti's Condo, has a great success story I want to pass along.  She found a male type person in the most unlikely of places. Because she didn't quit. Follow the link above for the story. I totally respect Shelle, because I can't tell you how many other trans girls I have interacted with who told me they had tried all the sites I was on with no luck and they quit them.  Then they wondered why they were sitting at home by themselves - miserable.

One way or another, admirers represent a very unique dynamic in our community with their own set of gender/sexuality issues. Only they can decide if they want a transgender woman for more than a one night stand in a cheap motel. There I go with another stereotype, sorry!

Sunday Morning Ramblings

Been busy chasing my tail lately. The worst part is I didn't catch it and I wondered where I would have found the time to do all these things if I had not retired!
Normally when I go through these times I have bits and pieces of ideas run through my mind which I would like to pass along and just don't get around to it.

The first was an animated chat a friend and I had about transphobic gay men. Do they have a tendency to be more transphobic and why. Sometimes I think they do and here is why. First, in some ways transgender women and men are forced on them. We go to their hang outs and sometimes don't interact so well. I've seen more than one cross dresser make a fool of himself in a gay club. On a deeper level though, a gay man has no more understanding of us than a hetero normal one does. If you throw in the drag queen culture, the average gay person has as much reason to wonder as the rest of the population. Plus on a deeper gender level, do we represent a "trip to the dark side" for an effeminate man who may have been teetering on the gender divide anyhow.  I'm biased but I certainly feel coming out gay is definitely easier than coming out transgender. We all know if you protest too much, you may have a dress hanging in the back of your closet hidden from the world.

Of course, I don't dwell on anything long, so it was time to move on.

The second thought that buzzed through my noggin came from a transgender vet blog reader who asked about how should she approach her first visit to a VA therapist. The whole question led me to thinking how much of a personal decision this was and how to handle it. My easy over simplistic answer was-just be yourself.  Easier said than done. I could only give my own rendition of hiking up my big girl panties and walking through the VA center as me. It was easier for my therapist to connect the dots since she never did she me as what was left of my guy self...BUT...my personal situation made that easier for me. I'm widowed and didn't have that part of the puzzle to wade through. My therapist wanted to make sure I had some sort of support system to fall back on if I started HRT. Also if I use the VA as an example, every center or clinic is different. From what I hear, my center in Ohio probably rates a B-. I would give them an A for wanting to do the right thing and a D- for having the tools to do it. While we are on the alphabet, let's toss in a "B" for bureaucracy on their end and a "P" for persistence on mine. I would guess the bottom line is somehow, someway you need to convince your therapist you need to go on a hormone path for your own mental well being. You notice I say "mental well being" not "mental illness".
As a final  point of reference, keep asking for another appointment with another person until you get one who you can relate to and ALWAYS remember to ask for the VA patient advocate in your center. The VA is directed to help you. Don't let them out of it!

As I embark on another busy week with the coldest weather in four years, I imagine my mind will go into overdrive again and I will certainly pass on the ramblings to you.
By the way, if you want to get a hold of me, my email is cyrstih@yahoo.com and if nothing crazy happens I should get back with you quickly. It helps if you put the "blog" word in the subject title.
Also, I never get into personal things by name in Cyrsti's Condo without your permission.

Trans Dating

The Canadian National News recently published 7 tips on transgender on line dating.
The tips are pretty simple stuff (no they aren't). In the so called hetero normal dating world. it's not a cake walk either and we trans folk are just a wee bit different.
One of the harder facts to accept for a few of us more mature women and men is the fact on line dating is as popular and productive as it is.  I can't quote the number but an amazing amount of people these days are successful on line.
The first suggestion I rejected immediately: "Why not try a transgender dating site?"

Candis Cayne probably  NOT the best example of transgender dating used  by  article.

Most that I have seen don't appear to be very reputable if you are really trying to break the transgender/cross dresser stereotype of sex first-relationship later.
Then the problems start. The article mentions honesty. If you go to most of the mainstream dating sites it's nearly impossible to find one who even has a transgender option...yet.
Then what do you do? What I did in a couple places I visited was I never took the male option (said I was female) but I mentioned in the first sentence of my profile my transgender status. Others I took the male route with my picture and let the chips fall where they may. I sort of made value judgements depending on the site.
Through out the process you have to factor in your sexual preference. Are you a trans lesbian for example?
I was surprised how seemingly unconcerned the article was about honesty. It's just me but I would hate to live any of my life with another person without disclosing my gender past.
Regardless, it's worth a visit here to read more ideas on a very complex subject.
Finally, make sure you check out the cost factor. Nothing is free! Once you sign up-that is what you get for free. Anything else is extra. Also watch for the hidden "automatic" renewal option.
Good luck  be patient and careful and you can win. A date in my book is not a guy showing up at my house who isn't willing to be seen in public with me.
You have to be wary (as any genetic women knows) of where you are and who you are with to the best of your ability.
The chance to learn about a potential date without exposing yourself to harm is never fool proof but you can use chat systems like Yahoo without even giving out your cell number.
There are quality people out there but you must be prepared to sort out a lot of trash to find them.