Friday, December 31, 2010

Walk This Way!

We've heard and seen it all. Women "Glide", women "Jiggle" and some do nothing at all.
Where do transgender girls fit into this process? Good question!  I personally feel you should wear flats when you are trying to develop a feminine walk. During the process, you don't have to worry about the added pressure of wearing heels. On the other hand I read others that say heels are the only way to learn.
By accident I came upon a site called "Silly Trans Woman". The blog was way too technical for me until the very end when I found this! http://www.biomotionlab.ca/Demos/BMLwalker.html
Check it out. Biomotion has a great tool for dense ex blonds like me. Certainly it should work for you!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Goth Girl!

I would imagine this girl stirs  fantasies in many of you!
As it turns out, you wouldn't want to meet up with her in a dark alley in a bad mood!
This is "Mariah Moreno" and as you already guessed she is trans and a professional wrestler. The only genetic women who make it here are beautiful redheads!
I am adding a link where you can read more about "Mariah"
Hey, you got to love her look and her name!
Did you look like her last Halloween?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

More Guy Stuff!

Since we are hot and heavy into the dating dynamics of seeing men versus women, it is always interesting to look ahead.  What if you two decided on a relationship?
With a man or a woman?
Of course the dynamics are different. The first impression is that a deeper relationship with a woman would be easier. I'm not so sure that would be true.
Relating as a female to a female in many ways is as difficult as relating to a man as a girl. Letting the inner female emerge is so much more than just talking makeup, clothes and hair. Listening, verbal and non verbal communication are so important. Slipping back into guy mode when a problem emerges is just one of many pitfalls. A very slippery slope! If you climb it, what's at the top of the hill?
When there is a guy involved, you can let your mind move to his next thought. You know they only retain a portion of what you're saying anyhow! Much of the "feminine mystic" is actually simple.  Knowing where guys are coming from is fairly basic. (Not in a negative way) If the guy accepts you as you are or is even entranced...then what?
Much depends upon your sexual orientation. Especially with a guy.  How far will you go to be "his girl". I have some personal experience in this situation.  I believe the situation was fairly evident with one guy I went out with. I'm a male virgin and he probably is too.  The next step would be so unsure and I feel we both felt it.
The girl side of me would make a sexual relationship with a female so much easier.  I've basically always approached sex from a feminine perspective.
What ever happens with this story,  it will have to be interesting at the least.  Writing this part of my life is certainly starting from a blank page.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Date Night

In the comment section of my last post, Janie asked for more information on my dates with guys.
She asked "How did I manage to find the guys?"
Dating sites!  True story girls.
The cost is about 15 dollars a month per site.
I have gotten at least 5 to 10 "flirts" a day with my pix and a profile that plainly states I'm transgendered.
The response itself floored me.
I've had a couple less than happy guys who had to "Google" transgendered to find out what it meant.
A few more have been curious and asked questions.
The biggest percentage however didn't care!
Most of these guys come from the 45-65 age bracket.
I'll keep you all posted!

Another Year?

Doesn't seem possible. 2010 went by in record time it seems.  The end of the year calls for a slew of resolutions. Most of which, we can't keep.
I wish I was smart enough to do a "best of" piece from all my posts. I'm not. Plus that would be your job not mine!
I do know the year started for me as a girl for the first time in my life.  Symbolic or not, the coming of the new year as a girl was not a disappointment.
Highlights? Easily the top moments of the year revolved around finding a core group of really good friends. Some read this blog, some don't. I can't say how much I love and respect all of you!
The second top moment was deciding on who I was. For years, I was very close to really understanding exactly what my inner female was all about. 2010 was her year to come out!
Coming out made the third top moment easy to pick out. Easily, the trip to the Monday Night NFL Game was huge! It was my time to live my life as a regular woman in a setting I used to think was not possible!
Number four had to be my first real dates with men who were interested in more than a quick hotel room quest. My feelings were quite the surprise!
Finishing at number five is this blog itself.  Just being able to communicate my life experiences has been wonderful. Ideally, if someone can benefit from any of my life then I have succeeded in "paying forward".
Positive Karma is good!
The "experts" tell us not to set resolutions that are too difficult to achieve. I guess that worked for me. I only wanted to start the year as my girl self. Life took over from there.
For 2011? I only want to enjoy my friends and life. We all know life is a slippery slope. I just hope all of our slopes are climbable and you all have a safe and happy New Year!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A New Step.

Even after all these years it happens. At every door. Entering any room full of strangers.  The Adrenalin flow mixes with insecurity.  A powerful potion.
It occurred to me how little has changed with this potion from my earliest days.  From the first steps out the front door and down the drive way to the mailbox to the trips around the neighborhood all were so exciting and scary!
All was good a couple nights ago. I caught my shadow in the parking lot lights and heard the click of my boots when I entered the pub. Removing my coat and fluffing my hair was even more reassuring. All was correct in my girl world!
One of the reasons I like the place so much are the mirrors behind the bar. I can check my girl world. Sometime that's good...sometimes not so much. It was good that night!
At any rate, for some reason, my first trip to the bathroom produced some of the same old feelings. On my way out, I touched up my makeup and checked that all my clothes were in the right place.  As I reached for the door to leave, it was as if time froze for a second.  What or who was on the other side? What will they think of me? Is my posture correct? How about walking tall and proud in my boots?
Then I realized, nothing has changed.  The same insecure girl is still there. Maybe she always will be?  I'm sure genetic girls have the same problems too so maybe it comes with the territory. Enjoy it or get over it.

By the way. Thanks to all you current and new followers, Your input is always appreciated!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!

I don't have a picture with me on Santa's lap like "Stana" That was great!!!
I don't have a sexy Christmas layout like "Janie". She is beautiful!
What I do have is a heartfelt hope you have a festive and loving holiday season!
Cyrsti

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Red Head Hall of Fame!

How could I missed out on one of the great redheads of all time?
Ann Margret!
Enjoy and don't get too green with envy!
But then again green looks great with red hair!
Cyrsti

Term of the Day

Femiman

Transgender Runways?

Another transgender model is set to follow in "Lea T's" high heeled footsteps.. Following Givenchy’s creative director Riccardo Tisci’s decision to hire Lea T to front their Fall/ Winter 2011 campaign, Marc Jacobs invited the Russian model Andrej Pejic to represent his Spring/ Summer 2011 collection.
Read the whole story on the "Million Looks" site.
As I written before, sites such as these only interest me on a small scale. Most of the fashion is so far from my style, it's a waste of my time to even look at a bunch of anorexic models wearing clothes I can't afford and aren't made in my size. BUT every now and then I can pick up a trend that really suits me.
As far as the "trans" models? The more the merrier! What do women know about real fashion anyhow? LoL!

What's Next?

I've passed along my experiences dealing with female domains such as rest rooms, bra magic etc.
We have touched on the contents of a purse and the do's and don'ts of fashion and location.
To all of you I'm sure it is fairly obvious I obsess on everything female. Here's an example. Tonight I got home late from work and turned on one of the top chick flicks of all time..."Pulp Fiction"! Just kidding of course.
If you aren't familiar, the 1994 movie was anything but a "chick flick". Fairly early in the movie, John Travolta goes to Uma Thurman's apartment to pick her up for a date, When he arrives there is a note on the door telling him to come on in while she dresses. That was it. My male interest in the movie was over.  I immediately thought of how long it took me to get myself presentable last night. (I'm the half hour girl)
The next shot of Thurman was on her lips and a wicked shade of red lipstick. I need it!!!! On we rolled to Travolta's and Thurman's date in a retro fifties diner. All I saw was Thurman's amazing eyes that seem to fill up about half of her face. What make up tricks did she use???? And what about her attitude? Wow! Just have to capture just a bit of that ultra confident personality.
Another role model of mine is the star of the old  "Weeds": series.with sexy Mary Louise Parker on Showtime.  Parker's character is the ultimate example of a strong, confidant beautiful woman.
Well girls, so much for enjoying "Quentin Taratino's" classic movie about gratuitous drugs and violence.
Maybe a real "chick flick" would have been a better choice?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing!

Last night I hurried home from work threw on some makeup, jeans, new boots and leather jacket and headed out the door late as usual.
Important stuff girls! I have to try to get to my Tuesday hang out spot early because it's two dollar pint night and you know the rest! Actually I was lucky enough to get the last quality seat at the bar and life was good.  The place sits beside a big mall and space was at a premium.
The only problem I was experiencing was my boots are kind of new and the floors are a little treacherous.  The remainder of snow we had didn't help.I worked my way through the crowd and all was good! (Did you ever notice how guys don't want to move?)
The really special part of the evening is when one of the bartenders gave me a tin of cookies they made and a Christmas card signed by all of them!  Awwwww, that was so nice.
I sipped a couple pints and then went to another restaurant nearby where I had a coupon for dinner. About half way through dinner a beautiful TALL redhead with stiletto boots walked in. I was knocked out by her height and beauty and she was not worried about being taller in those boots! I'm 5'9 and she had to have been 6'3. Boyfriend was very tall too so they made quite the couple!
I guess it shows if you are tall it's not the end of the world. I've seen the "Tyra Banks" of the world on television. In person tall is beautiful!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Winter Solstice.

In my part of the world, the "Winter Solstice" has come and gone. As I was finishing up some quick gift shopping  tonite, I was probably in the majority complaining of the cold and snow. On the way home, I turned on some Christmas songs on the car radio and tried to shake off the chill.
As I looked at the bare trees, I thought of all the people who have moved to a warmer climate.
Then I thought of how the bare cold trees will look in about three to four months as they make the transition back to life.
Cold climate, transgender or not... we all our transitioning through life. My genetic female best friend said it best:
Her new diet is transitioning to a new body!
As a pre Christmas greeting to all of you, good luck on what ever transition you are experiencing.
Just remember what that cold bare tree will become in the future!
Cyrsti

Monday, December 20, 2010

The "Bestest"!!!

I'm not a real big believer in horoscopes until I read one like this!
Libra (September 23- October 22)
You’ll literally be a factory of brilliant thinking this week, as genius ideas will be plenty. To make the most of it, throw yourself into party mode, as it’ll give you a greater chance to inspire many — and that feeling will happen to feel better than sex. After all, who wouldn’t love feeling just like Helen of Troy, pre-war?
I specifically like the "Helen of Troy" comment! lol
Yes, I'm a Libra,

Whose to Blame?

Did your Mom dress you in girl clothes. Did your aunt humiliate you? Did your sister and her friends dress you up?
Do you have a person that you "blame" for your condition?
In my case, my brother is certain my Mom had a hand in starting me down this road.  I truly don't remember being dressed in girl's clothes. In addition, the way my Dad was, he would have killed her if he found out. The only hint that she might have was when I came out to her.  She seemed really defensive and said "get a shrink".
Doesn't really matter. She passed away nearly ten years ago.
Over the years I've read some very interesting stories of how individuals were "introduced" to the sisterhood.
Even more interesting is the number of girls who want to be humiliated. I understand why of course.If someone forces you to do something there is less guilt.
On the other, some of us subscribe to a traditional female role.Take it another step and cleaning the house can be so much fun and exotic in a short skirt and heels. Could it be more fun if I was forced to it by a hot woman or guy?
Personally,  my idea of the traditional female role is I'm a little more submissive, listen more and enjoy the other person's passion and even ego.
The biggest surprise I experience now is  the number of sisters who contact me that are into bondage. I never make a value judgement on how a person feels of course. As always (you know me) I do have a couple questions.
Is it me? Do a couple of my pictures portray me as a dom? OR
How did this get started for the girl? Did someone tie them up as a kid? Just curious.I've asked and gotten the same answer "I want to or have to." Understood again. It's the answer I give people who ask why I'm trans. It's inside me. So the bottom line is if you don't hurt anyone and the interaction is between consenting adults...what's the harm?
The only blame here is if you don't live your life the best you can. "Dayita" said it best. "So I am in a relationship where dressing is *not* an option, but I've finally come to grips with my truth that trying to live a "masculine" life is really toxic for me. So I've been working on the inner transformation as it is the one that matters most." She is living her life the best she can. A lesson to all of us.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Best Of?

During a random web surfing adventure, I randomly found a site called "Best Of".
Several of the categories included best crossdresser, transsexual, prettiest guy etc.
"Bou" seen to the left was tops in a couple categories for obvious reasons.

"Izzy Hilton" seen below was another winner. Ironically, the date a co-worker's daughter brought to our company party, still has many people talking. He looked a lot like "Izzy"!
"Back in the day" many thought Mick Jagger of the Stones or Steven Tyler of "Aerosmith" to be more feminine in their acts.
"Bou" as a musician and "Hilton" as a model take it to a whole new level!

Addiction?

Are we addicted?  The first time we pulled those nylons up over our legs..was it all over? Was it the same as the first time a drug addict sticks a needle in his arm?
For some the addiction could be as small as wearing panties to work under their business suit or construction clothes.  For others the steps are very definite. That pretty girl in the mirror is a powerful aphrodisiac.To give her life, you will lie, cheat and even steal. As she grows, you wonder now much of you she always occupied. Life seems so natural as take your first trip through the mall with long hair, make up and a new outfit.  The first time someone calls you "She" or Mam"  it's music to your ears.
As "Anne" wrote in a response here "Could it be this fascination with 'femininity' grows on you? Would you compare it to an addiction to the "high" that you get while "femulating"? She did a wonderful job of saying it all!
I believe the seeds are planted in us somehow. Putting those nylons on is similar to watering that dormant seed.
For some, the seed grows into a weed. Ugly and impossible to kill. A lifetime burden. For fortunate others, the seed grows into a beautiful flower.
It's true, we may be addicted but I do believe the addiction started from that little flower seed.

The Eyes Dont Have it!

Maybe all the time and effort I've been putting into my eyes is  mistake?
Read this "Frisky" article and you may start focusing on your lips instead!
I've got to get out tomorrow and purchase some "Heatwave" lipstick!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Soul Sisters?

I'm applying this definition to a whole different set of sisters we normally never discuss. I'm referring to butch lesbians.
I met a person who is right on the cusp of being a ftm trans and a butch lesbian (his term). He sent me an article he wrote on the subject, but I don't want to betray the trust. Until I get permission, here are some of the absolute highlights.
To begin with he points out the pain a "butch" feels growing up. There is no hiding, no real closet to dive into as most of us have.  The femme lesbian has the advantage of dissolving into society or going "stealth" in our terminology. Looking back in my life, I had a close girlfriend (genetic) who had a butch sister.  The family forced her into a dress a couple times. I felt her pain of wearing the clothes of a gender she obviously didn't feel comfortable with. I see her every once in a while.Nothing has changed with him.
How ironic that this group could have a kinship with us?
Over the years I've interacted with "butches" to varying degrees. As "guy to guy" the interaction was very smooth normally. As "girl" to guy (them), the time was most interesting. One of my earliest posts describes a "karaoke" experience I had with a "butch" in a cowboy hat in a lesbian bar.
Two overriding ideas emerged from past experience and my new friend. Number one, I didn't realize how trans they are. In fact the butch lesbian is the most visible form of a transgendered person today. Most don't pass you know who they are.
Number two, I didn't realize how possessive they are. In some ways, the butch is a throw back to a male stereotype of the past. Which is not a surprise.
How many of us would jump at the chance to be the submissive female? The butch sits directly on the other side of that fence.
I'm fascinated by this whole segment of our rainbow and with his permission, I will bring you more

Disaster Averted!

This adventure is actually part two of the last post and is another "bra" story. 
I guess I had this one coming. I wrote about the success of removing my bra without taking my top off. Along the way, I also mentioned the diminishing  feel of a fetish experience being replaced by the overall feel of being a girl. Which of course includes the bra. It has become  piece of clothing to make me look better. Not feel better...until last night.
It just so happened that one of  my bra straps gave it up and broke.  The good news was I was fairly close to the bathroom. With my breast form cradled in my arm and pushed against my body I made it to a stall for repairs.
Dammit! Where the heck is that safety pin I kept telling myself to put in my purse. The same place as the tampon and pad...in my other purse. This girl thing is tough!
Somehow I had to fix this problem.  Become a trans "McGuyver"? If you didn't know, he was the best at making complicated devices out of simple objects. Fortunately, the strap was somewhat fixable by taking the broken snap and  hooking it back to another spot.
I was able to get back to my seat, finish my drink, put my coat on and leave.
As I said, I had it coming.  Blah, blah blah!

Three for the Road?

I enjoyed a rare break from work this week and used the opportunity to visit friends again in a few of my regular stops.
Two nights ago was one of those rare evenings that was so smooth, it was almost boring.
Last night was OK but I learned another lesson on being out.
I've mentioned several times how I'm a weekly regular at about three spots. accepted by the crew, mgt etc. If I put it on a scale of one to ten, I would be at a nine with clientele not noticing me or caring. The easiest way to change all that is to have a genetic female complain about me using the restroom.
Last night as I was using the "room", a woman came out of a stall quite unexpected. We met on a close up face to face.  Now that girls is something I rarely pass. I didn't with her either. She left first and when I went back to my seat at the bar, her husband was putting the first class glare/stare on me.
I calmly met his stare for what seemed an eternity, threw my shoulders back and clipped by him in my boots. Now I don't care what he thinks but I don't want to cause any problems in the business.
As it turned out nothing more happened.
The whole episode reminded me of how easy or hard it is to cross gender lines...again!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Merging Transgender Fantasy With LIfe.

I've always believed that very few of us started down the transgendered path with a true goal or outcome in mind.
Many trans girls started with a basic fetish with female clothing. Others may have been initiated by a family member, Halloween party or school play.
 Along the way, the reasons for being transgendered in the first place just seemed to fade away and the reality of being took over.
In my own case, the clothes, makeup and hair became less of a thrill and more of a lifestyle. Not too say I can't still get a real thrill from the right outfit or public reaction. Not unlike the feelings a genetic girl would have.
Two other trans girls I follow have addressed this transition also. "Stana" and "Janie" interestingly enough approach the subject from different angles, but come up with the same answer.  All of the sudden, this female thing started to feel so natural..with all of us.
How does it happen without injecting hormones to change the body or the brain with chemicals? Number one you have to want to and then work to get there.  I said a number of times the majority of males can present female if they try and have the right help. That doesn't mean you are going out and winning your local beauty pageant anytime soon or you can go out and move effortlessly in public. Start somewhere slow.
In my case, I went to closeted meetings and then began to go with certain "girls" to gay clubs. Over the years I worked on my appearance and started to shop for my own clothes.  Finally I'm to the point I am today.
Others say they admire my looks or boldness. That's all good but my persistence is all that should be admired. I can't tell you how many times I've been reduced to tears over the years only to pull on the pantyhose and try again.
Then again maybe you will never get to the point where your transgender fantasy becomes life and that's OK.
The lifestyle is so varied and complex there is plenty of room for you! You just have to work hard to find your spot.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Meanderings

If you are a regular here on the blog (and I thank you!) you know we cover a lot of ground in many areas.
Not to disappoint you, here are a couple more!
Maybe you've seen my rants concerning the responses I get on line from many clueless guys who are in bred romantics.  "You are beautiful. When can we get together and...."  I'm sure you get the point.
Tonight during one of my incessant surfing adventures on the net, I ran across this post from a younger guy on how to land a "cougar". One of his major points was treating an older female with respect.
I immediately thought of writing a post on how to land a "trans-cougar".  Essentially, the main idea would be that we are not desperate, promiscuous and really wouldn't mind interacting with a decent guy.  At any rate, that's another post for another time! The fact of the matter is many of the inappropriate comments come from former or current crossdressers. That has always really surprised me.
Speaking of the much maligned crossdressing group, I ran across a site you might be interested in. http://www.thegirlinside.com/  is one of the more comprehensive collections of articles about men dressing as women that I have seen for awhile. Of course I have added a link for you.
I had gotten away from the notion that crossdressers are a separate entity from trans people for a number of complex reasons. I was easily settling into the notion that crossdressing was simply a stepping stone to a trans future. I stand corrected and please not too long in these heels!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Such A Geek!

OK, you can make fun of me now. I'm such a geek.
This morning it was cold in my house and I was wearing a cozy fleece top I had to change. The change included my bra.
Instead of going topless in a cold house...it was time to conquer another female mystery. It was time to take off my bra without removing my shirt. 
During my adolescent years, just getting the bra off a girl was a superhuman experience.  First of all, she had to agree to the move and then I had to negotiate the fasteners on the back. Keep in mind, this was after I had bras of my own!
Topping that though, was the absolute magical experience when a girl would take off her bra without removing her shirt! How did that work?
Until this morning, I had no idea.  Now, as I found how easy a task it is, I feel so naive and maybe a little sad.
The whole maneuver  has joined the women's rest room as another mystery solved. Yes genetic females have many intangibles but restrooms and bra removals are not the top of the list.
Now, I feel a little sad, a little satisfied and a little geekish. After all, sometimes it nice to still have a mystery or two!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Transition/Transition

Certainly we have followed similar paths to where we are today. More than likely, the young trans girl today faces many of the same obstacles as  many of us did years ago. The only true difference is the influence of the Internet. Certainly the younger girl today does not feel the isolation of her older sisters.  That in itself though doesn't solve all the problems she faces.
"Transition/Transition " is a brief look at the milestones we face as "T-girls".
Number one is the discovery we have a special attraction for the other gender. A real attraction, we want to be them. Closely following this discovery comes confusion, frustration and denial.
Number two is the action mode. In this mode, the overwhelming desire to act on the discovery results in borrowing Mom's or sisters clothes. The majority of the time this is of a sexual nature. Sexual or not, the compulsion to become the alternate gender is powerful.
Number three is getting in that closet and slamming the door.  No one needs to know of your weakness! It will go away.
Number four is forcing the demons out of your life. Surely if you are the most macho guy or the best athlete, you can forget this ever happened.
Number five is failure.  All the years of trying to be the "alpha" male has gotten you absolutely nowhere.  Many times you have now gained a wife and family who you feel would never understand. Many feel you have deceived them. This reaction could be unfair.  You didn't know the "depth" of your feelings and you were doing the "male" thing by fighting them.
Number six is desperation. The sneaking starts. You could be contacting transgirls on the web,  going on "business" trips as a girl or any number of other activities but all of it still is just a cover up of the real problem.
Number seven is fixing the problem. This could be as severe as suicide or as drastic as going all the way and living as a girl. Something had to give.
Number eight is the future. Hopefully you didn't try to harm yourself and you accepted yourself as a female.
This all has been a very simplistic look at the factors we face as trans.
In my case I wish the crystal ball had been a little clearer.  I would have listened a little closer to that first person that told me I made a better girl.

Copasetic?

What the heck is that? Sounds like some sort of medicine my Mom used to force down me when I was a kid.
By definition "copacetic"  means all is satisfactory or is fine.
My personality equates that with being in a rut.
What did the famous philosopher Randy "Macho Man" Savage say? If you are not living on the edge, you are taking up too much space?
When I feel too natural as a girl, does it take the edge away?
Yes and no.
"Back in the day", each step out the door was an adventure. The adrenalin was flowing. Would I be be busted or be the fairest of them all?
Over the years much ( if not all ) of that has subsided. The rush is now a warm satisfaction.  Is it good? Sure...but every now and then I miss the good old days!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Info Overload!

Perhaps you've seen one of both of these articles. One comes from the "New York Times" and is an overall look at the seeming explosion of "trans" activity. If you haven't heard of "Candy" Magazine read about it here. It's awesome!
Luis Venegas, Editor "Candy"

The other is a very complex look at "transphobia" from a site called "QT". Be warned if you are interested, factor in a lot of time!
Yet another focus comes from a totally different angle.  I read "Blogher" on occasion to see what genetic girls are thinking. The site has a feature called "Own Your Beauty". It gives incredible insight into what women think of beauty and why you feel the way you do.

My  point is how varied the entire transgender topic is.
Hopefully you will be able to discover or learn from one or more of these sites!
Cyrsti

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Note for the G-Girls.

I discovered by accident that I had never included this post on "Hub Pages" here on the blog. I probably didn't because the post is directed at the genetic female spouses and friends of trans girls. All of the sudden, it has become one of my most popular posts so here it is.

Love Hurts!

I can only imagine your range of emotions when that man of yours comes to you or worse yet is discovered by you in your clothes. I've been there and it is a no win situation.
Why? Confusion, emotion and information get in the way.
Both of you are confused. Unless you are the rare individual who has met or has read about a transgendered person, you have no idea what you are dealing with. Is he gay? Does he want to run off and get a sex change? What is the family going to think? Was it you who caused this? Are you less of a female?
Chances are he is confused too. The most common theme from transgendered men I've met is many are not sure of the extent of their female desires. They only know it has been with them since early childhood. The only fact you can probably be certain of-he is not gay. Most of us aren't. Kind of. More on that later.
Unfortunately, emotion dominates where confusion reigns. Your first reaction is why did he lie to you? Being dishonest is much worse than wearing your clothes. Here are two reasons why he didn't "exactly" lie to you. (Man reason, sorry!) The most prevalent problem is he didn't know all of feelings he had. If you research the transgender subject, you will find a wide range of definitions. If you are in the transgender life you know there are so many more. Believe me, he may not know how much a part of him this is. I didn't and it can easily change.
The second issue is an extension of the first. He thought a relationship, a wife and family would solve the problem. At least he hoped it would!
At this point of time, you could care less! Your life as you know it has changed forever. Or has it?
Yes it has. Regardless of the many stories of couples working their way through gender obstacles successfully, many just don't. One major fact is this WON'T go away. No matter what he says.
If you make it past this point and the dust settles, you could find a gentler and kinder spouse with the pressure off. However, you could find much more neither of you expected. After all you didn't ask for or want a new sister or girlfriend.
None of this makes you less of a woman. It makes him less of a man.At one point in time he loved you enough to try to eliminate the girl part of his personality. He hoped the woman in you would be more important than the one in him.He was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Doing away with the girl inside was impossible. You couldn't win so you have to get past this. It was a lose/lose proposition. By the way though, both of him may still adore you!
Let's say you stayed away from him for a couple days, weeks or even months. It's tough on you because it's not an easy subject to bring up with a parent or your best girlfriend. The only easy answer is to separate and that is not always the best solution. The guy you fell in love with is still in there. No matter what he looks like.
You decide the best solution is to talk and it is. With all the upheaval of the first announcement, the new session could be quite different. As in any discussion of the unknown there are problems to be aware of. Here are a few.
If he says he won't do "it" anymore. He's not telling the truth. No one knows what causes transgender behavior or how to stop it. Here's what happens. He finds a better way to sneak around behind you. Beware of storage sheds you never visit. Worse yet is when he transfers his desires. It happens when he actively contacts or wants to be with transgendered girls. Believe me it happens to me all the time. The excuse? I used to dress, I can't anymore so can I see you? (No! I don't do that) It's no worse than "my wife doesn't understand me"! His intent is looking for another woman who isn't one. That brings up the gay question again. You know the answer as well as I do. If it is a guy under that attractive female, she really is a he. All of that is another problem all together and one we are not really discussing here.
What if he tells you the truth as he knows it? Gives you all the details of wanting to be a girl.This is where you really have to soul search and decide if you want to stay together. Before you consider "giving in" here, he needs to tell you he can't stop. Make him give you his plan on the three of you living together. You also need to see him as a woman. (If you haven't already) Why? When you see "her" your decision could be easier or much harder.
Most of us look like "guys in a dress".That's fine and usually are men who love the feel of the clothes, makeup and hair. You are probably dealing with the low end of the transgender spectrum and easier to understand and deal with. Remember, non of this is evil! Your thought could be "involving me is"!
If your man doesn't look like a guy in a dress, you are dealing with a whole different set of problems. Is he attractive or even beautiful? He didn't become that way overnight. You know as well as anyone the work it takes to maintain a look, not to mention the money. A minimum of three scenarios come to mind here. First and foremost, are you threatened by what you see? You don't need that bitch in your house! Secondly, this person will need time and space to maintain her persona. Last but certainly not least, this girl has the most potential to move to the next level of full time life as a woman.
These are not hard and fast rules of course and you might be enamored with the attractive form of your man. It is truly a lifestyle change to have another friend you can shop with, share girl stuff with and be friends. I have seen it happen! You have to experience all of this to help to help in your decision. Your feminine skills will tell you how comfortable "she" is in meeting you. Naturally "she" will be nervous, but how well does she carry herself a a woman? This all helps you to decide how deep this runs. No matter what he tells you.
Your eyes won't deceive you, but you still need to be careful. My two wives knew of my transgender leanings before marriage, but not how deep they ran. I didn't! In my younger years making myself into an attractive girl was a powerful aphrodisiac.The more I was successful as a girl, the more I wanted to be one. During twenty five years I grew from being a weekend cross dresser to living much of my life as a girl. It was very tough on my relationships.
The next important step in your decision is finding as much real information as you can. Here are some tips. It is not as easy as it may seem!
If you "Google" transgender, transvestite or transsexual, you will be overwhelmed with everything from psychological theories you can't understand to porno. Look for groups that offer spousal advice. If you would like to take it farther, you could even join some groups and really catch what is going on. If you contact me I have a couple of suggestions.
In fairness, all information is just that-information and these groups may offer little similarity to what your relationship is going through.
Through two marriages and quite of bit of living, what I've written here is only one view of transgender life from one that has lived it. Here is my disclaimer. I'm far from a shrink but I do live on both sides of the gender line. I'm widowed from a 25 year marriage. All of this is just my view!
Over the years however, I've learned from brutal mistakes and many successes.I been so fortunate to be around people how loved me for what I am!
I hope life treats you as fairly as it has treated me! Good luck down a VERY difficult path.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Out and About

On the web!
Just a couple things to pass along.
I have been envious forever when I see a girl's skill in high heels. From dancing to working some can make it look sooo easy.  In my area of the world, it was cold last night. Wind chills down into the teens with a light blowing snow. Of course in the middle of all of this I had to go to the store and saw a woman in her stiletto heels. She was effortlessly navigating a rather slick floor. I was dazzled.
Just when I elevated walking in heels to a mystical level, I read a post in "Fashionista"  promoting "throw away" flats. The article went on to say the shoes were a girls answer to taking a fall on subway steps! My image of the perfect female domination of the sky high heel was shattered! Do you mean other girls get a heel stuck in a floor seam in a mall? Do you mean they twist ankles and look totally embarrassing at times? I felt instantly better! (and evil!)
Seriously, I know heels are a matter of practice and fit. Every once in a while though, it's nice to know other members of the "club" have the same problems!
Now, we all know the "club" is definitely the higher maintenance gender. In order to maintain my "Cougar Membership" (LoL) I'm always on the search for the miracle skin cream I can afford. One of the people I follow on "Hub Pages" wrote an interesting post on a new "miracle" wrinkle cream. "Nell Rose" is an interesting read from a number of different angles. Her husband came out as a trans girl and I first read her posts about the experience. If you follow the link, I believe you can read it too!
Finally, yesterday proved to be an exciting day.
Once again my car overheated on a busy interstate.  Limped it in to a service station and then the battery ran down.  The whole tow truck experience was an unneeded classic. Karma came to rescue me though with a nice hookup with a  great guy later in the evening!
I will pass along more about the car experience later!

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Girl with the Kaleidoscope Eyes

As I came home last night, I was pleasantly surprised to see the "BBC" was  airing a special about "John Lennon".Little did I know how special the show would become!
As I sat and watched, a girl from one of the Beatle songs appeared. Then magically,. "The girl with the kaleidoscope eyes." came into the room.  Her long hair was tied back with a colorful headband. A short colorful shirt revealed 3 or 4 inches of bare tummy. A long chain with a peace sign seemed to drop to her worn bell bottomed jeans.
Not only did I want to know her, I wanted to be like her. One of the hippie girls, long hair flowing and bell bottom jeans dragging the ground.  The girls in the mini's were impressive enough but I identified with the peace sign girls..tie dye shirts, beads and all.
As the show continued, Lennon's "Imagine" played. The girl was gone and I remembered how my heart ached as I flew across the world to a war I didn't believe in I watched the sunset from the plane's windows as Lennon's "Imagine" played on my headsets.  I thought...if I was her, I wouldn't have to go.
I realized quickly, those years made me the girl I am today.  I understand a little more now why you will rarely see me in a skirt let alone a dress.
How odd it feels to think I'm still the protest girl.  The one that rather hang out with a group rather than one close girlfriend.  Even odder is the thought that I might have been better at hanging out with the guys as a girl? Does all of this mean that all those years trying to be the "alpha" male were wasted.
No. One can only learn from the past not relive it. What is done is done.
So now I can explain why I'm the person I am. While it's true my inner girl was born many years earlier, she experienced the greatest personal growth years later.
This is no huge revelation, we all do it.  The bigger revelation is that the kaleidoscope girl opened my eyes to my past and I listened.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Red Head Hall of Fame!

http://www.covergirl.com/This picture comes from the "Gossip Gurl" link.
Just amazing Cheekbones!
Was she born with them...or is it "Covergirl"?

A Merry Christmas From Kohl's?

Akasha Adonis
By now you have probably heard of the transgender attack at a Kohl's store in Tennessee. "Akasha Adonis" Black Friday shopping was turned ugly when she was attacked by a fellow shopper.
Regardless of the facts of the case, the whole ordeal brings reality to the possible danger we face as trans girls.
I know I live in my own little version of "Oz". If someone notices who I really am (a gender mix), they certainly wouldn't get violent? Right? Wrong!
I really need to add the pepper spray to my purse.  Real girls do it,so I should too.
I'm "sly" enough to carry feminine hygiene products, but dumb enough to not carry protection?
My experience with "Kohl's" stores are they are primarily located in "safe" mall areas. My assumption is that any of us would feel safe there
The "Akasha" story just brings a certain sort of stark reality back to the situation. Certainly life would be simpler in a more liberal setting like San Fransisco as compared to a small town in Tennessee. However, in either locale it still takes only once person to turn your life upside down.
I guess this week I'll put off buying that necklace I love and purchase pepper spray. Sad!

Friday, December 3, 2010

I am NOT a Crossdresser!

You probably aren't either!
I'm sharing a post I wrote for "Hub Pages". Please read it carefully because I'm NOT really saying anything derogatory about crossdressing. Enough of that already exists.

I don't spend 100% of my life yet as a female, but when I do does that qualify me as a crossdresser? When I'm working as a guy...maybe I'm a crossdresser then?
Where is the mystical line? If you take the word in it's most basic form I am a crossdresser because I don't wear the clothes of my birth gender. Then again, who says what my birth gender really was?
What "clicks" in my brain when I'm a girl? I shop and eat and do girl stuff. I simply love the hair, clothes and makeup! The word cross dresser has no meaning. If I'm not a female, I'm certainly not a guy just dressed in ladies clothes trying to fool the world.
Are you a crossdresser? Even if you are walking through the mall in sky high heels, big hair and a short skirt you may not be. You could be going through your teen girl years. It happens to all of them. They grow up and so will you.
Don't get me wrong here. I know I will never be a genetic female. No amount of surgery or hormones has perfected that miracle of science yet. I am a mix of both genders and something I'm becoming very comfortable with. The crossdresser in you will disappear as you feel more comfortable and your female side establishes what she wants to be.
So,when someone refers to you as a crossdresser, maybe you are not. Think of it this way. I'm a guy out of convenience and a girl out of desire!
I know I'm repeating some of my other posts but hopefully you won't mind!
On "Hub Pages" I did come across an article from a slightly confused "straight" guy concerning a very attractive neighbor who turned out to be trans, as well as a friend's encounter with a beautiful "woman" in Las Vegas. I've included a video to make all women jealous... trans or genetic!


America's Hottest Transsexuals Compilation Part 1

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What's Next?

It's quiet time.  A very long stressful day at work is over. As I sit here in front of this keyboard, I wonder what the future holds.
Is a bi-gender life feasible?  I certainly would not go back to a full time male lifestyle but it is certainly possible I could go the other direction in the future. Truly not much stands in the way except the present.
I've never been one to sit still and accept the status quo.  A "boat rocker" could be on my tombstone.
My latest toys "Hot or Not" and a "Big Beautiful Women" dating site have been good for recreational relief. I'm up to an unbelievable "8.8" out of ten on the "hot" site and at least 30 flirts on the other in a week.
All fun and games...with  lot of empty calories! When you eat that "value meal" at your fast food joint, you are hungry again in an hour.  Understandable because you ate nothing of substance.
That's exactly where I am. Sure I have my circle of friends I love dearly and it would be very interesting to see what they really thought of my direction. Several couldn't comment because they know nothing of my male side. A couple others don't know the real story anyhow and probably don't care.
It doesn't matter because I know however the only person capable of making decisions in my life of this magnitude is me.
In the meantime, I worry if my innate boredom and the desire to go ever forward will push me to hormones and the like.
A decision made from that point just can't be a good one. There just has to be more!

She Didn't Go There!

Yes she did!
I was sitting in a very crowded pub, quite satisfied to watch sports and drink some beer.
I had arrived quite some time earlier and even made a couple restroom trips without so much as a side glance.
Midway through the evening a group of five moved into the bar area where I was sitting. At least a half hour later the woman sitting next to me turned and said "Are you male?"
My mind clicked off many answers and finally decided on the truth. "Partially" I told her. She went on to ask did I have short hair when I was a guy or were the red curls all mine? She said she really wished she could get her her to look like mine. I told her that actually if I let my hair grow out, it is very thick and wavy. It would not be a stretch to think my hair could be colored and styled to look like this.
It was her birthday night and she quickly grew tired of my novelty and my evening was coming to an end.
The only problem I really had was getting read for male.  I'm not naive enough to know that it won't happen.
If "girls" on hormones and surgery get busted, certainly it will happen to me.
Then I considered , is this whole problem just a throw back to my male ego? Is it similar to making the last out in a big baseball game or getting pushed back into a hole in the line in football? OMG I hope not!
As luck would have it, about the time I was having all these deep thoughts I took a look at "Janie's" Blog.
I think she is a gorgeous woman and in her last post she talks about all the curiosity she encountered on one of her shopping trips.  I knew how she was going to approach the same situation I was in because she has written about it before. Essentially she likes being the "special person" she is and if people aren't hurtful or mean-go ahead and ask or look. It's OK!
So once again she got me back on track accepting the exotic critter I am.
The guy side of me will always remember the agony of sports defeats but my girl side will always cherish moments too.
How much fun will it be when I get to the point of answering questions about my gender with well thought of and concise answers?
Somehow I always get taken by surprise.Perhaps the best answer is "male by convenience, female by desire?"