I discovered by accident that I had never included this post on "Hub Pages" here on the blog. I probably didn't because the post is directed at the genetic female spouses and friends of trans girls. All of the sudden, it has become one of my most popular posts so here it is.
Love Hurts!
I can only imagine your range of emotions when that man of yours comes to you or worse yet is discovered by you in your clothes. I've been there and it is a no win situation.Why? Confusion, emotion and information get in the way.
Both of you are confused. Unless you are the rare individual who has met or has read about a transgendered person, you have no idea what you are dealing with. Is he gay? Does he want to run off and get a sex change? What is the family going to think? Was it you who caused this? Are you less of a female?
Chances are he is confused too. The most common theme from transgendered men I've met is many are not sure of the extent of their female desires. They only know it has been with them since early childhood. The only fact you can probably be certain of-he is not gay. Most of us aren't. Kind of. More on that later.
Unfortunately, emotion dominates where confusion reigns. Your first reaction is why did he lie to you? Being dishonest is much worse than wearing your clothes. Here are two reasons why he didn't "exactly" lie to you. (Man reason, sorry!) The most prevalent problem is he didn't know all of feelings he had. If you research the transgender subject, you will find a wide range of definitions. If you are in the transgender life you know there are so many more. Believe me, he may not know how much a part of him this is. I didn't and it can easily change.
The second issue is an extension of the first. He thought a relationship, a wife and family would solve the problem. At least he hoped it would!
At this point of time, you could care less! Your life as you know it has changed forever. Or has it?
Yes it has. Regardless of the many stories of couples working their way through gender obstacles successfully, many just don't. One major fact is this WON'T go away. No matter what he says.
If you make it past this point and the dust settles, you could find a gentler and kinder spouse with the pressure off. However, you could find much more neither of you expected. After all you didn't ask for or want a new sister or girlfriend.
None of this makes you less of a woman. It makes him less of a man.At one point in time he loved you enough to try to eliminate the girl part of his personality. He hoped the woman in you would be more important than the one in him.He was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Doing away with the girl inside was impossible. You couldn't win so you have to get past this. It was a lose/lose proposition. By the way though, both of him may still adore you!
Let's say you stayed away from him for a couple days, weeks or even months. It's tough on you because it's not an easy subject to bring up with a parent or your best girlfriend. The only easy answer is to separate and that is not always the best solution. The guy you fell in love with is still in there. No matter what he looks like.
You decide the best solution is to talk and it is. With all the upheaval of the first announcement, the new session could be quite different. As in any discussion of the unknown there are problems to be aware of. Here are a few.
If he says he won't do "it" anymore. He's not telling the truth. No one knows what causes transgender behavior or how to stop it. Here's what happens. He finds a better way to sneak around behind you. Beware of storage sheds you never visit. Worse yet is when he transfers his desires. It happens when he actively contacts or wants to be with transgendered girls. Believe me it happens to me all the time. The excuse? I used to dress, I can't anymore so can I see you? (No! I don't do that) It's no worse than "my wife doesn't understand me"! His intent is looking for another woman who isn't one. That brings up the gay question again. You know the answer as well as I do. If it is a guy under that attractive female, she really is a he. All of that is another problem all together and one we are not really discussing here.
What if he tells you the truth as he knows it? Gives you all the details of wanting to be a girl.This is where you really have to soul search and decide if you want to stay together. Before you consider "giving in" here, he needs to tell you he can't stop. Make him give you his plan on the three of you living together. You also need to see him as a woman. (If you haven't already) Why? When you see "her" your decision could be easier or much harder.
Most of us look like "guys in a dress".That's fine and usually are men who love the feel of the clothes, makeup and hair. You are probably dealing with the low end of the transgender spectrum and easier to understand and deal with. Remember, non of this is evil! Your thought could be "involving me is"!
If your man doesn't look like a guy in a dress, you are dealing with a whole different set of problems. Is he attractive or even beautiful? He didn't become that way overnight. You know as well as anyone the work it takes to maintain a look, not to mention the money. A minimum of three scenarios come to mind here. First and foremost, are you threatened by what you see? You don't need that bitch in your house! Secondly, this person will need time and space to maintain her persona. Last but certainly not least, this girl has the most potential to move to the next level of full time life as a woman.
These are not hard and fast rules of course and you might be enamored with the attractive form of your man. It is truly a lifestyle change to have another friend you can shop with, share girl stuff with and be friends. I have seen it happen! You have to experience all of this to help to help in your decision. Your feminine skills will tell you how comfortable "she" is in meeting you. Naturally "she" will be nervous, but how well does she carry herself a a woman? This all helps you to decide how deep this runs. No matter what he tells you.
Your eyes won't deceive you, but you still need to be careful. My two wives knew of my transgender leanings before marriage, but not how deep they ran. I didn't! In my younger years making myself into an attractive girl was a powerful aphrodisiac.The more I was successful as a girl, the more I wanted to be one. During twenty five years I grew from being a weekend cross dresser to living much of my life as a girl. It was very tough on my relationships.
The next important step in your decision is finding as much real information as you can. Here are some tips. It is not as easy as it may seem!
If you "Google" transgender, transvestite or transsexual, you will be overwhelmed with everything from psychological theories you can't understand to porno. Look for groups that offer spousal advice. If you would like to take it farther, you could even join some groups and really catch what is going on. If you contact me I have a couple of suggestions.
In fairness, all information is just that-information and these groups may offer little similarity to what your relationship is going through.
Through two marriages and quite of bit of living, what I've written here is only one view of transgender life from one that has lived it. Here is my disclaimer. I'm far from a shrink but I do live on both sides of the gender line. I'm widowed from a 25 year marriage. All of this is just my view!
Over the years however, I've learned from brutal mistakes and many successes.I been so fortunate to be around people how loved me for what I am!
I hope life treats you as fairly as it has treated me! Good luck down a VERY difficult path.
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