Mya Taylor

 Mya Taylor (above) is an American transgender actress and singer. She is best known for her role in "Tangerine" in 2015 when she won the Independent Spirit Award for Best supporting Female.

Inspiration is Fleeting

Or is it? Every morning when I wake up, I do a quick self examination of my body to see what hurts the most, or at all. Very quickly I then move on to thinking about the blog and what I have written about in the past. Every now and then, I come up with a former experience from years ago in my past.

Plus every once in a while, I am able to find a picture to aid in the story. An example is this picture from a decade ago in 2010.  Somehow, I was able to come up with my own version of primitive photo shopping on my cell phone. I did it by taking my picture in a mirror so I could see myself as I did it. My goal was to take a picture to add to my profile on the multiple dating sites I was exploring. 

The hair in the photo was a wig of course. Ironically my hair currently is as long and nearly as wavy if I add a liberal amount of mousse after I wash it. 

It's also taken me nearly a decade to grow my own breasts which were comparable to the forms I wore back then. Of course I am fortunate to have been able to undergo hormone replacement therapy at my age.

So, inspiration for a blog post is fleeting when I am well over 6,000 posts written for Cyrsti's Condo.

One good thing about the picture is, it is the one my partner Liz saw and decided to respond to me because I had "sad eyes". At that point in time I did. 

It was taken before I found a circle of accepting friends who helped me transition and gain a whole new level of inspiration.
 

Be Careful What you Wish For

 Lately here in Cyrsti's Condo, we have been discussing a few of the ramifications of life insurance and to a differing degree, changing your legal gender markers.

Here in Ohio, it was not too difficult or expensive to change my legal name, gender on my driver's license, my name/gender in my Veterans Administration paperwork and my name on my social security card. (not my gender) Also, I still cannot change my birth certificate gender here in Ohio.

It turns out, not being able to change my Social Security gender at the moment turned out to be a good thing after I heard this from Connie:

"When I applied for Social Security and Medicare, I did so in person with the proper documentation with my legal name change. I did not, however, change my gender marker, as I felt it wasn't worth opening that can of worms. I guess I should have been more aware, though, because the person on the other side of the glass partition checked off the Female box for me. It ended up being a pain in the ass to get it changed back when I later had trouble getting Medicare to pay on a doctor bill. Health insurance considers the differences in male and female rates, as well as does life insurance (or did, then). Social Security tried to blame me for the "mistake," even though it would have required a specific application and documentation from me to make that change - which, of course, I did not provide, and they could not have had on file). Maybe I was just passing so well to the woman that day, I don't know. Sometimes, though, there are more important things than passing.

It behooves us to be diligent as we make changes throughout transitioning. In the case of life insurance, we won't be around to clean up any messes that our beneficiaries may be left to endure."

I guess it was obvious to the guy at Social Security that I didn't "pass" or then again, I don't remember if I "outed" myself by telling him I was transgender. It was five years ago now and on some days, I have a difficult time remembering last week. I just remember him saying he could change my name, not my gender. 

Of course too, I am under a different health system with Veteran's Administration health.  Under which if I ever experience problems with being transgender, there is a person/persons to call. 

So once again, there are many steps to consider when you are considering changing your legal gender markers.

Trans Acting Legend

 

From the Advocate. Com:

"A Hollywood veteran of nearly two decades, Alexandra Billings (above/right) is currently guest-starring on a multi-episode arc of the hit ABC sitcom The Conners as Robin, a transgender woman who is a supervisor in the factory where Darlene and Becky work.

For The Connors, it’s another sign that the reboot of classic sitcom Roseanne is continuing it’s trend of reflecting current America on the show, and for Billings, it’s another extraordinary role in a storied and successful career that’s included stops on Grey’s Anatomy, How to Get Away With Murder, Never Have I Ever, Goliath, and Transparent. More recently, she was playing Madame Morrible on Broadway in the iconic musical Wicked."

Passing Thoghts

 Not long ago, I wrote a post on passing privileges. Ironically, recently I have seen another post or two regarding toxic feminism. As I did, I began to look back into my past for examples and I came up with several.

One of which was a pre teen birthday party I went to for my Grand-Daughter and a few of her friends years ago before I came out as transgender.  One of the invitee's was obviously a little social butterfly who was off in her own little world. She seemed to be certain she was the best looking party girl at such a young age. I wondered then why she was even invited. 

Then of course were the groups of women I worked with and tried to manage. I learned early how passive aggression worked and how women formed groups of like minded people to get their way. As a manager, once I gained their trust, they tended to be very loyal. I was very successful at passing as a man.

Now it's time to add in a Connie comment concerning the original post which dealt with blending in being a desired goal of "passing":

" I do agree that, for me, "blending in" is not really my desired goal. I had always been pretty quiet and rather shy as a man, while my feminine side wants to be much more social and involved. I have often joked that all I really want is to be the most beautiful girl in the room - which is only a joke if I really think that I ever am. Still, I'd much rather shine than blend. I can't make my feminine appearance be as good as Phaylen's (highly filtered and possibly photo shopped) pic portrays, but I have learned that there is so much more to "passing" than the way I look. It's much more about the self-confidence and living in truth. Although it took much longer than it should have, I finally realized that I belong and have every right to be anywhere I choose to be, as does anyone else. I want to pass as a person (the person I really am) more than an illusion I may have created."

(The "Phaylen" Connie is responding to is an LGBTQ activist and actress and does have passing privileges' probably due in part to advanced makeup and photography techniques many of us don't have access to. See below:)

More Connie: "I suppose that I have some "passing privilege" - at least, I have been told this many times. My dysphoria keeps me from recognizing this allegation, however. Beyond the primary, my secondary (male) sex characteristics add up to be a real challenge for me. Sure, there are cis women who are taller, or with broader shoulders, or with large hands, or with big heads and necks, etc. - but very few of them possess all of them together. Nevertheless, these are things that I do possess, and that I can never change. I have managed to change my attitude, though, and that has gone more toward achieving any passing privilege I have than has anything else."

Perhaps my emphasis on blending in has to do with my intense interaction with other women over the years. Even though I had to act as if I were a man, I interacted as if I was a woman. My gender dysphoria has told me over the years I couldn't be the best looking woman in the room and just being perceived as a woman in the room was good enough. 

Anything else will have to wait until my next life.

Near Death Experience

Just when I think I have all the possible wrinkles ironed out in my transgender experience, another possibility comes along to worry about.

Last week I had an opportunity to communicate with a woman who deals in insurance and other retirement planning.  She wanted to know more about issues dealing with transgender elderly as they face long term health care. 

As is the case with many transgender people I know in my age group 70+, I am on a fixed income life with very little extra cash to play with. Years ago I lost quite a bit of money when I had to close my restaurant down. It was an especially dark period in my life when I lost my wife and close friends to death and my 401K's plus a sizable inheritance to a failed business.

These days, all I have to cover my infamous "final expenses" is a couple small life insurance policies which are good for life if I keep paying on them. My new paranoia comes from how my transgender status will effect the policies. For example. I took out the oldest policy when I was living a male life and now I have to send in all the paperwork for a name change.

Plus, most importantly of all, my basic gender is an issue... again. I am legally a female but biologically a male because I don't plan on ever under going gender realignment surgery. 

I may be making too much of an issue with this but once again I am faced with a transgender issue when I die. On the positive side, I have been researching information on the insurance front and the news was the companies are learning and adjusting to the needs of transgender individuals. So the future could be brighter.

Finally, if any of you have any relevant info, please let me know! 

Transgender Infantry

 Regardless of what the former administration did to discourage transgender service in the military, several trans troops managed to survive the purge. 

An example is Staff Sgt. Patricia King:

Staff Sgt. Patricia King did as many have done by trying to lose themselves in the masculinity of  the infantry. The difference, in this case, is 16-year veteran SSG King is still on active duty making her the very first out transgender infantry sergeant. SSgt King recently said to "Planet Transgender"

"Everyone else I know who was on active duty like myself felt strongly compelled to wait until after we got out to come out. It wasn’t a choice. Even back in the 80’s it was ok to be perceived as gay, especially in a shortage MOS (job classification)  like mine, no one would say anything unless you stood on the commanders desk and shouted it out."

King went on to say: " "I'm the first openly transgender infantryman in the Army," King said.The Army has accepted lesbians and gays into the ranks since 2011, but transgender life is a violation of regulations - a fireable offense. "These conditions render an individual administratively unfit rather than unfit because of physical illness or medical disability," Army regulations say."

Of course now as I write this, President Biden  lifted  the ban on service by transgender troops. Making Patricia Kings' service so much more remarkable. 

De-Transition?

Every once in a while, I see a post concerning someone deciding to stop their gender transition and reverse it.  

While I would never consider it, I see the entire topic as an issue which can be seized upon by transphobes everywhere. After all the, the transphobes now have the chance to say they were right about suggesting attempting the daunting task of a human gender change was wrong to start with. 

Even though I would never consider going back on the life path I have chosen, I can definitely understand why someone else would. As I was learning how to negotiate the feminine world, I found I had no real idea of how complex the process would be. I found out the hard way I would have to learn so much more. I thought once I achieved a certain level of feminine appearance, I had completed my Mtf Gender Transition. Little did I know I was just beginning. 

Heading down my new feminized path showed me how communication provided me the beginnings of a new relationship I would have to learn in the world. As I have written about many times, the first couple of times I was reduced to a second class citizen by men was very enlightening in a negative way. Had I not been so certain of where I wanted my path to take me, losing my male privileges would have been a great place to return to being a part time cross dresser. 

I was fortunate too in that I didn't have to deal with very many friends or family during a time when being transgender was very mis-understood. I was even able to retire so I didn't have to face a hostile work environment. My point is, I can understand how all that pressure could convince someone to de- transition.

Ironically, as I enter the final years of my life, I now face the possibility of being forced to back track down my gender path in an assisted living facility. That though is a topic for another blog post which includes a topic about life insurance. 

In the meantime, all the transphobes can go to hell.

2016

 By accident I found this picture from 2016. It was taken with a couple of old friends (cis women) who helped me find my way as a novice transgender woman. As a matter of fact, I think I was still wearing a wig when this was taken:

Is Passing Mainly Confidence?

 When I write many posts, I usually come up with ideas I could have added. Normally I didn't add them because the post was already written or would have made the post too long. The same thing happened to me yesterday when I wrote a post concerning passing privilege. 

Then I began to remember a few of my previous posts as well as various comments from Cyrsti's Condo readers such as Connie and Paula. One theme seemed to come through, having confidence in yourself was the main way to "pass" successfully. 

Speaking of "Paula" I enjoyed one of her comments referring to a few of her ill advised fashion choices in her early cross dressing days as being a "howler." I know I was too and no amount of confidence could help me. As a matter of fact, I was doing my best to destroy any confidence I was building by making poor choices. My main example was being way too fond of wigs which were better suited to drag queens. Unfortunately also, the drag queen wigs weren't my only "howler" mistakes. Mentioning them all would make this post way too long! It's easier to write, if there was a bad cross dressing mistake to make...I made it.

The good news is I survived and once I learned to blend in and to dress for other women, I developed confidence and you could say I gained "passing privilege". 

Ironically, nearly all of passing to me became a reality when I arrived at the point when I didn't care what the public thought of me. I just followed my basic rules of blending and confidence and/or passing followed.

I was able to live my life as a transgender woman and put my howler days behind me.

Passing "Privilege"

  I know many of you follow Stana's Femulate Blog as I do. If you do, I am sure you saw the series of responses from readers to Stana's question concerning the time or times they have "passed" as a cis woman even though they were transgender or a cross dresser. I read the experiences with great interest but decided not to add my own oft repeated occasion when I went to a transvestite mixer and was nearly turned away for being a "real" woman. 

Ironically then I read a lengthy and in-depth insight into passing written by Phaylen Fairchild on "Medium". 

"Let’s call “Passing” what it really is: The desire to meet the standard of an external social gaze. The privilege of blending in with the rest of society as a “norm” rather than stand out as an “other.” I am not sure why no one has told these incredible people why standing out is far more powerful than falling into formation to satisfy the often unreasonable definitions of femininity and masculinity as if they have firm definitions… they don’t. I know many women with masculine traits, wide shoulders for example, arms with ample hair, some stand over six feet tall or are mistaken for a man on the telephone because their voice is not received as explicitly female. There are men with small waists, even proud busts that make small-breasted women jealous. Some have soft features or mannerisms that have been classified as traditionally feminine. That fact is, while masculinity and femininity are identifiable characteristics, they are not and never have been exclusive to men or women, transgender or not."

She goes on to say: 

" The demand we place on ourselves to satisfy the external gaze becomes nearly excessive, thus, self destructive. What does the perfect woman look like? How does she sound? The ideal man?"

You can follow this link to read more but in the meantime, I think Phaylen's next post should be based on "passing privileges'" which she seems to have from her picture above. 

I know in the all so brief fleeting moments when I have completely passed, I could only describe the time as wonderfully liberating. To the point in which I immediately wondered if it happened at all. 

Inspiration

 

From Egg to a Beautiful Chick?

 Recently I wrote a post roughly equating our transgender gender struggles with breaking out of an egg. Connie took the post another direction:

" All too often, after breaking out of a misplaced egg, one can see her/him-self as an ugly duckling. It takes more effort to learn how to be different from others, yet still fit in. After all, as difficult as it may be to break out of the egg, leaving the nest can be more daunting - especially when others see you as not conforming. Learning that you are destined to become a beautiful swan among ducks comes with the confidence that you can still swim in the same pond - even if you can't quite quack like a duck. I'm sure there are still those who would define themselves as cross dresser

 Increasingly, though, there are those who are referring to themselves as bi-gender. That is, when they present as female they feel to be female beyond what the clothing may indicate; but they enjoy living as their male-assigned gender the rest of the time. I tried that for many years until I admitted to myself that I did not enjoy living a male existence (despite the privilege that went with it). I realize that this does not make me "transer" than anyone else, and I can only allow each individual to self-identify, just as I expect them to allow me to do so. 

I was once told that I couldn't transition properly because I have to wear a wig to cover my male-pattern bald head, and can't undergo HRT or surgeries due to a medical condition. The exact wording this person used was, "You'll never be any more than a professional cross dresser." Thank goodness I know that only I can crack my own egg, and nobody else will shatter it. To that person, I can only say, "The yolk's on you!" :-)"

Great references! Thanks my swan friend!

Paula also added a comment about the growing pains of coming out of a transgender shell:

"I think we all made some howlers, but then I was making my teenage mistakes in my 50s when they're harder to hide.

If the term "cross dresser" goes the same way as Transvestite, how will I be able to update my joke ~ "What's the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual? ~ About five years"

No Paula, I think your joke can stay the same :)

Saved by the Bell

 It's been announced Transgender actress Bell Agam (above) will be featured on a future calendar page released by the Israeli Foreign Ministry.

Trans Troop Reversal

 President Joe Biden will soon reverse the ban on transgender people serving openly in the military, White House press secretary Jen Psaki said in a statement Wednesday.

While the reversal was not one of the 15 actions the new administration announced it would take Wednesday, Day One of the Biden presidency, Psaki said it would be among the “additional executive actions” that will be taken “in the coming days and weeks.”

I'm sure you all know I am a transgender veteran and how good I feel about this.

Inauguration Day

FINALLY, I was able to view the former president fly off to Florida on Air Force One. We now have a leader with a mandate to attack the many major problems we face as a nation.

I feel all of us as transgender women and men see change in a different way. After all, when you consider all the major changes we have had to endure in life, change becomes very personal to us.

In many ways, the former president represented the very same pressures we transgender women and men feel from our families when we decide to live as our authentic selves. By deciding to not mention President Biden's name in any way, it is similar to a trans person's father (or mother) refusing to mention the new name of their new daughter or son. 

So, we have a deeper understanding of the hurt the country feels as a whole from the effects of the former president. 

But now we can move forward, which we can understand also in our culture. 

Maybe now, we can have help and acceptance from the administration in Washington.

Rachel Levine

 

WASHINGTON (AP) — President-elect Joe Biden has tapped Pennsylvania Health Secretary Rachel Levine to be his assistant secretary of health, leaving her poised to become the first openly transgender federal official to be confirmed by the U.S. Senate.

A pediatrician and former Pennsylvania physician general, Levine was appointed to her current post by Democratic Gov. Tom Wolf in 2017, making her one of the few transgender people serving in elected or appointed positions nationwide. She won past confirmation by the Republican-majority Pennsylvania Senate and has emerged as the public face of the state's response to the coronavirus pandemic.

The Uncracked Egg

 After reading a couple other transgender related posts and talking indirectly to a novice cross dresser who is near my age and is able to finally get out into the feminine world as her old/new self, I came up with the gender being an egg theory. 

Let me explain a bit. 

Not unlike a baby chick trying to break out of the egg, a transgender person is trying to do the same thing when it comes to expressing our gender. Along the way, we have differing levels of success achieving opening our egg and bursting into a brave new world. Everyone is so different, yet so the same. Depending upon the amount of testosterone poisoning we had to endure, Mtf transitioning can be a daunting task. One of the things I had to tell the person I was chatting with last night was try to dress accordingly to where you are going and don't compare yourself to all the other beautiful models and/or trans girls you see on line. But do read up on all the ways you can approve your appearance. And, above all, don't try to dress as a sexy twenty something when you are a half a decade older. However, that does not mean you should dress like your granny. 

In other words, try to enjoy yourself and do the best you can until you are able to be more experienced as a novice cross dresser and/or transgender person. 

I wonder these days too, if the term cross dresser is on it's way out seemingly like the word transvestite did years ago. I suppose it is because recently, the people I have encountered just coming out of their gender shells (or eggs) are identifying themselves as transgender. Of course, the whole subject just makes an already difficult idea even more confusing. 

Looking back at my gender/egg experience, I know I made every terrible mistake in the cross dressing handbook before I settled in to a semblance of finding my way in a feminine world. I can't take any credit for that either because of all the friends who took me in. 

As with any other human life, coming out of your egg is never easy. It's just for transgender women or men, we get a chance to do it twice.

Still Relevant Today

 Today is Martin Luther King Jr. day. 

With all upheaval going on today, his quotes are even more relevant. Here is one:

Pronouns and the Trans Girl

 It does my soul good when I get addressed as "she" or "ladies" when I am with my partner Liz. 

In fact, one of the most difficult challenges I have faced during the pandemic has been the lack of positive feedback from the public. Since last March, we have only been out to eat three times. We have been out a few other times but only for necessities, mainly as we were masked at places like the pharmacy. We even have our groceries brought to us. As I said, it's been tough to experience anyone using pronouns with me at all. 

I finally caved it to pressure and changed my name on "Zoom" to include my preferred pronouns. By "pressure" I mean, I began to see more and more transgender individuals including their pronouns. In one way I don't mind it but in another way, I feel it is just another way to out myself. 

Of course as I always mention, I am fortunate to have had a strong trans affirming circle of friends around me for years. Going back to people like Kim, Nikki and Zena who helped me to learn up close and personal what a femininizing experience meant. It seemed they added the stage and all I had to add was the courage.

Back in those days of reckoning, the last thing I wanted to do was to give my name and add in my preferred pronouns. These days though, it seems the younger generation is cool with sharing their pronouns as a source of pride.'

Which is good with me.

Back in the Bad Old Days

 Remember when the only time you saw a cross dresser or transvestite on the media was when they were up to no good. 

One of the primary examples I can think of is Christopher Morley. Perhaps you will remember him on Magnum PI  when he played a rogue British agent trying to assassinate a politician. One of his "disguises" was a policewoman. 

Ironically, I just saw the episode on the "Hallmark Channel" this morning. By total accident. 

Then in 1974 Morley played another evil character in the movie Freebie and the Bean. I remember vividly seeing the movie with a couple other friends and being totally surprised by Morley's transvestite presentation in the film. In fact, I tried to be careful not to act too mesmerized by the action. 

I guess you can say even then I wasn't very pleased about the negative presentations concerning "transvestites" back in those days. But, that was all there was except for the early talk shows such as Phil Donahue.  Check out this picture from 1991 of a transsexual on Donahue"

Unfortunately, as all of this played out I was in a severe battle with my own gender dysphoria and none of it provided much relief.
 

Emma Said it Better

 One of the writers I follow on "Medium" is Emma Holiday. 

From what I can gather, she is roughly the same age as I and has shared many of the similar transgender experiences.

Today I thought I would share her latest post "Who is Emma?"

"It took time, a lifetime for me, to understand that she and he are truly just one person. The thoughts they shared were always a collective sharing of perceptions, ideas and beliefs. They are a brother and a sister to each other. They protect and consoled each other. Their endless internal conversations eventually provided the strength for Emma to finally emerge.

She is transgender. She combines a life time of male experiences with the soul of a woman. She has the remarkable opportunity to draw on her gender and her sex to see the world with a unique perspective and to share it with those who care."

Plus there is more: Go here to read it.

Inspiration

 

Dysphoria 1...Zoom Nothing.

 In the past couple of days I have had three Zoom meetings to attend. 

When the pandemic really began to spread of course, I had to learn all about Zoom. If you don't know, it is a on line visual "meet up" with one or a group of people. Early on in the process, I learned the fear of facing myself on the computer screen for however long the session lasted. 

To put it mildly, the results sent my gender dysphoria into a death spiral. 

Over the years, I have been able to maintain a delicate balance on how my presentation is perceived versus how it is received in reality.

To be blunt, I thought I presented well during my meeting with my therapist and terrible in my second session. 

Look, I know my strong point is I am transgender and like so many of us (cis women too) will never reach the beauty plateau of someone such as Laverne Cox.(below)

I will have to save all of that for another lifetime. Over the years, I have been so fortunate to have met many people who have accepted my true self.

In the meantime, I will have to concentrate on the positives to keep my gender dysphoria at bay. 

Maybe then, I can put Zoom up on the scoreboard.  

Representation is Good!

 

A former White House intern (above) who previously made history by becoming the first transgender speaker at a major political party's presidential convention when she spoke at the 2016 Democratic National Convention is once again blazing a new trail for equality.

Sarah McBride was sworn in on Tuesday to the Delaware State Senate, becoming the highest-ranking elected official in the United States. At least four others have been elected state representatives in state legislatures, but McBride is the first state senator.

"It's certainly been a whirlwind," McBride told NBC10's @Issue shortly after her election victory in November. "But I'm excited to get to work. It's been wonderful hearing from so many neighbors, so many Delawareans, who are excited about the prospects for progress before us.

More Inspiration

 Perhaps you saw the post here in Cyrsti's Condo about not practicing until you get it right but do it until you don't get it wrong. 

Our resident musicians, Connie and Paula responded:

First, here is Connie:

"Yes, that is true. However, if you are practicing what is wrong, and hoping for it to suddenly come out right, your success will be less likely to come to fruition. Repetition is reinforcement - for right or wrong. We all have heard the quote, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." It's not necessarily insanity, though, as it could be laziness or naivete that would keep one from even recognizing the wrong result.

 As a drummer and a singer, I normally have not had trouble doing both at the same time. I have had many people, including other musicians, ask me how I can do it. I can't answer that, any more than I can answer why I'm a transgender woman. All I can say is that it comes naturally to me - for the most part, that is. There is one song, the Paul Butterfield version of "One More Heartache," that has given me fits in the past, though. The syncopation of the drum beat against the bass line threw me off from the vocal entry almost every time. The more times I did it wrong, the fewer times I got it right. How I finally could consistently come in with the vocals at the correct spot was by concentrating on the guitar part, instead of being so locked in to what the drums and bass were doing. You see, I was so much into the syncopation that I wasn't allowing myself to step away and see the whole picture.

 I think, in our trans lives, we are so emotionally vested in our thought and vision of being a woman (or a man, for ftm), we can fail to see how we fit into the larger picture. We all have our comfort zones, but living within them won't always lead to a desired outcome. Walking around the house in stiletto heels does not totally prepare one for walking on uneven pavement, or even on ice (Where have I heard that before?:-) Still, I wouldn't recommend stepping outside if you're wobbly at the door. Of course, you can't get anything right unless you're willing to try it in the first place. As it's been said, the only real failure is to not have tried at all."

Paula had this take:

"In the music world this is often quoted as "An amateur will practice until they can play it right, a professional practices until they can't play it wrong!"

Thanks to both of you for commenting.

Caroline

 

When LGBT+ pioneers are discussed, a number of famous faces probably spring to mind. However, one person you may not immediately think of is Caroline Cossey – also known as Tula – a Bond girl, dancer and top model who took the British government to the European Court of Human Rights in the ’90s in a bid to change discriminatory UK laws.

Inspiration

 This quote really brought back memories of my very early days when I was entering out into a terrifying yet exciting feminine world. 

It seemed everytime I tried something would go wrong. An example would be when my heel snagged a crack in floor at a mall I was walking in. I went from from proudly walking along to almost falling on my face.  Overtime, I fell on my face quite a bit but I learned.

Overtime, I learned practice did make perfect and I learned to live as a transgender woman full time. Probably what really happened was I finally arrived at a point where I was comfortable in my own skin and didn't need an imagined acceptance from the world to live an authentic life.

This quote comes close to saying it all:

Life is too Short

 I was shocked recently to learn of the unexpected passing of Jerry Mallicoat. I know most of you have probably never heard of him and up until fairly recently I hadn't either. 

It wasn't so long ago though he reached out to me to work on the Elderly Alliance LGBT Board of Greater Dayton, Ohio. He was also instrumental in me receiving the LGBT Veterans award. 

Jerry was happily married to John and they lived together in Dayton.

I was fortunate to have been able to participate in several of Jerry's seminars on LGBT aging. I was pleasantly surprised how well he was able to explain the differences between transgender seniors in relation to lesbian, gay or even drag queen individuals. Jerry went out of his way to explain why RuPaul was in no way ever a woman. 

This short blip comes from NBC News a year or so ago:

"Jerry Mallicoat, 58,  fought for LGBTQ rights in Ohio his entire adult life. Now, he’s helping LGBTQ elders lead active and fulfilled lives.

Mallicoat co-founded Rainbow Elder Care of Greater Dayton, which provides advocacy, educational resources, support and referral services to the elder lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer community."

It seems too little to say but Jerry's very sudden passing proves life is too short and you should do your best to make a difference like he did. 

Rest in power Jerry, you did a great job in life. 

Gauri Arora

 Gauri Arora is an Indian model. She is known for participating in Khiladi Ka Ghar 1 and MTV Splitsville. 

Here is a "before and after" picture:

    

Paula's Place

 Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo, I shared a comment from Paula and her thoughts on being a transgender musician. After going back and checking the post I noticed the link she shared to her blog didn't work for me at least. Back in another Cyrsti's Condo platform I always had her blog in my "Wanna Hook Up" linking section. 

To straighten things up, I re-added her link for you all to find. Here is the link: https://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/ and she currently has a great post called "A Bad Year for Showoffs" you may want to check out.

In the meantime, here is a excellent picture of Paula.

Yet Another Transgender Reveal

 Fashion designer Saisha Shinde has announced she is transgender. She shared the news in a statement on Instagram writing,

She Said What?

 Last night, being the glutton for punishment I am, I became involved in a rather lengthy discourse with a person on Facebook Messenger. 

Her profile stated she was a lesbian and her picture showed her to be a very butch one at that. 

Very quickly she asked if I was sitting down and told me she was considering a "sex change". About that time I wondered if she had read my profile at all. She asked if I was a lesbian and I said yes, a transgender lesbian who has been living with my lesbian partner for nine years now. 

Then we exchanged pictures and went into the fact she had a doctor's appointment in Denver in a couple days to determine if she could start testosterone patches. Having a mustache was her goal. I replied I have a very close transgender man friend who has attractive facial hair so she should too. 

Surprisingly, the whole conversation went easily until it was time to call it a night and go to sleep. I told her goodnight and turned my phone off. 

The real surprise came this morning came when I turned it back on and read her last message...good night "Buddy". Buddy? Really?

If I ever hear from her again, I will mention how many years it has been since anyone has ever called me Buddy. 

If and when she apologizes I might actually ask her what pronouns she prefers I use. 

I should also learn never to set my expectations too high. At the least though, I received input for another blog post. 

Separation Anxiety

 It's never easy making the journey from one gender to another. I am biased but I think it is one of the most difficult things a human can do. 

Each of us has their own path they followed and fortunately I can share two ideas from Cyrsti's Condo readers who successfully Mtf gender transitioned.

The first comes from Paula: "I believe we go through a concentrated growing up process, those of us who transition later in life miss out on a female adolescence, we don't have benefit of either contemporaries or older women teaching us how to be women. we could observe from outside, we could watch but were never part of the sisterhood. In consequence we had a steep learning curve, I know I personally made many a teenage mistake, inappropriate hemlines, poor makeup, inappropriate personal interactions, all girls do the difference is I had to make these learning mistakes in my 50s! It can be a little embarrassing looking back on my early blog posts, the emphasis on clothes and makeup, all the photos but it is part of my process, part of my growing up, part of my history."

The second comes from Connie: "I've long held the theory that many trans women express their femininity, at least early on in their trans lives, based on what the male side of themselves find attractive. I'm not referring to autogynephilia, as this attraction is not necessarily sexual in nature. It may have something to do with separating one's female self from the male self, as well. That is, just as a trans woman may overcompensate to affect a more masculine facade while living in male-mode, she may overcompensate in her (idea of) femininity when in female-mode. That's may seem like bouncing from one caricature to the other, and, for me, was just not sustainable."

I too went through the separation phase of trying to please my former male self when it came to appearance. When I finally learned I should be dressing to blend and please other women, I finally was able to negotiate a feminine world much easier. 

Thanks to you both for your comments.

 

Liz and I

 This picture was taken two years ago at the "Motr Pub" in downtown Cincinnati in the "Over the Rhine"
restoration district.

Trash in - Trash Out

 By now you all should know how I feel about "Benedict Donald" tRump. From his election day on, I watched in desperation as he tried to destroy at the least the transgender community and at the worst our country as a whole. 

I can only share this screen shot taken from the "Tony Burgess Blog" and CNN which shares my shame and horror. It's what happens when a masterplan to dumb down the country by neglecting it's educational system and then lie continually to it by right wing media outlets. All of a sudden, being conservative in the country became the same as being a tRump supporter. Which isn't fair or good for the health of the political system.  

I'm not here to write another political post but I'm am here to say the shame of yesterday can not happen again.

The Past can Haunt You

 This morning as I was going through all my social media seeking topics to write about here in Cyrsti's Condo, I stumbled upon a transgender woman seeking any help she could find. Her problem was years ago she went to a therapist who used the Kinsey report to treat patients with gender dysphoria.

I know I am going to over simplify this but let me explain why I will. To make a long story short, the transgender woman seeking guidance was told to lead a "dual" existence because she looked too much like a guy. You know the old story, big stature, big bones...blah, blah blah. So the person in question decided the therapist was right and set about to live an ill fated dual gender existence.

I feel so deeply about this subject because I went down the same road with an early therapist I paid my hard earned money to see. He essentially brushed me off with the "man up" and get over it answer. Of course that didn't work and ultimately led me down the path to self harm. I realized quite early I was cursed with testosterone poisoning and processed the stereotypical male characteristics mentioned above. I just did my best to find women's clothes which helped me to disguise my male body and mold it femininely the best I could. I guess you could say I was obsessed.   

Fortunately, these days, times have changed and there are more and more therapists who have knowledge and understanding of what gender dysphoria means and how it impacts a transgender person.  

I'm not sure either how effective therapy is on communicating how little appearance has to do with actually living a feminine life. In many cases hormone replacement therapy, along with a basic knowledge of makeup can get you by in the world. Or farther. I can use Venessa as an example and can vouch for her appearance. I have had the opportunity to see it all.

Remember too, we transgender women suffer from societies view of women as a whole. The pressure to be attractive is intense. Cis women learn from an early age to work with what they have. Transgender women have to learn quickly without much help. Which is a topic for another post. 

In the meantime, if you underwent therapy years ago and are still trying to live within it's unrealistic goals. It could be time to try it again and get out from under the past. 

The Women in the Band...Part Two

 Recently, I wrote a Cyrsti's Condo post concerning a Connie comment about women in music and I asked about her perception of any kind of a future. In the live music industry that is. 

Here is her response:

"I feel for musicians who had been trying to make a living from their music before Covid. Typically, most musicians don't even earn minimum wage for the set-up and tear-down of their equipment, let alone their performance (after countless hours of rehearsal). This being New Year's Eve, when it may have been possible to play a gig for a decent paycheck, it's even more depressing. I never have given up on my music, and I will always consider myself a musician, whether I ever perform on stage again or not.

As a nearly-seventy-year-old transgender woman, I see very few opportunities for me to perform after this pandemic is over. I will probably only ever be able to sit in with other musicians for a few numbers, sign up for "jam nights," or (ugh) sing Karaoke. Those are what I had been doing for the last couple of years before everything shut down. I fear that even those opportunities will be limited after those venues who will have survived the long shutdown can begin to reopen and start recouping losses. If they had little money to pay musicians in the past, they will have much less of it in the near future.

My band mates were correct in claiming I was a "novelty." I understand how I can be perceived that way, even though I try very hard to show I am not. I don't do a drag act, but it can be difficult enough to change that perception from the get-go. I think the best I can hope for now is that I'm seen as a slightly washed-up lounge singer, using the piano as much to prop myself up as for musical accompaniment. Having given up on any notion of "making it," I picture myself singing the last lines of the Billy Strayhorn song, "Lush Life.":

Romance is mush,
Stifling those who strive.
I'll live a lush life,
In some small dive.

And there I'll be,
While I rot with the rest,
Of those whose lives are lonely, too.

On that note, have a Happy New Year! ;-0"

Happy New Years! Thanks for the comment. 

"Mo" Music

 I'm sure some of you more "mature" Cyrsti's Condo readers will remember your favorite "Top 40" radio station which was always claiming to play the most music when in fact, they were cramming in the most commercials at the same time.

I worked at one of those radio stations as an announcer/disc jockey for nearly five years before moving on to another profession. It turns out during my career, I nearly missed working with other transgender women. One in Thailand who I met briefly later and one in Springfield, Ohio who I never met. Later on I wondered if the profession itself was what attracted transgender people. 

After hearing from Connie and Paula, I wonder the same thing about musicians as I know another transgender musician locally. 

In addition, you will learn from Paula how she witnessed another "coming out" of sorts during her ongoing career as a musician:

"My experience as a trans musician has probably been a bit different to most, for a number of reasons, I play mostly as an amateur, and I play in orchestras, concert and brass bands. I came out rather dramatically https://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/2014/06/still-good-day.html but so far have had only positive reactions from other musicians and audiences alike. I am quite sure that I have not got a couple of conducting jobs I've auditioned for because of my gender identity, but is that because I'm trans or because I'm a woman?

Curiously a pro "German" Band I used to play in (you might call them polka and waltz bands) had a rolling membership in all there were a bout 30 of us, but we would generally go out as a five or six piece (sometimes up to three a night!). We had a very good trombone player, who was clearly having issues, he was ultra competitive and could verge on aggressive. We later found out that he was trans and gave up playing after she transitioned, I have often thought that if either of us had felt able to say anything we might both have been saved a lot of angst."

FYI, Paula is located "across the pond" in Great Britain. Thanks for the comment!

Venessa

Recently I posted here in Cyrsti's Condo about a friend I have known for awhile now who I met the first time at a cross dresser - transgender support group meeting I attended. She appeared to be very shy and reserved about the daunting process she was facing during her Mtf gender transition. 

She was facing a long road ahead since she was determined about coming out at work and doing the best she could to save her marriage and family connections. 

Over time, I followed her transgender transition and the difficulties she encountered. Through it all, she was resolute in her journey. As we all know it's a marathon, not a sprint and once we think we have something figured out, something else pops up to push us backwards. 

To show you how secure she is about her transgender transition, she even provided a montage of pictures recently on here Facebook page (below)

 Also, I need to point out Venessa has overcome the obstacles of being tall and working in a male dominated industry. 

I don't think she realizes what an inspiration she is to transgender women everywhere. 

You Go! Girl!!
 

Confidence...The Perfect Accessory

 

Transgender Upheaval in Germany

 "Degrading, expensive and illogical" — that is how one trans* person described her experience of legally changing her gender in Germany.

Felicia Rolletschke (below) is one of many transgender activists who is fighting for a reform to the so-called Transsexual Law, which determines the legal process for trans* people to change their gender and name in Germany. By the beginning of 2021, the law will have been in place for 40 years — a time frame in which many countries around the world have seen great upheaval in their legislation around trans* rights.

There are currently two bills before the German parliament that aim to ease this process with a new "self-determination law" (Selbstbestimmungsgesetz). Activists hope such a law would reform the current costly, lengthy process — but the reform has faced some stiff opposition.

The Power of Passing

 I know many of you follow Stana's Femulate Blog as I do. If you do, I am sure you saw the series of responses from readers to Stana's question concerning the time or times they have "passed" as a cis woman even though they were transgender or a cross dresser. I read the experiences with great interest but decided not to add my own oft repeated occasion when I went to a transvestite mixer and was nearly turned away for being a "real" woman. 

Ironically then I read a lengthy and in-depth insight into passing written by Phaylen Fairchild on "Medium". 

"Let’s call “Passing” what it really is: The desire to meet the standard of an external social gaze. The privilege of blending in with the rest of society as a “norm” rather than stand out as an “other.” I am not sure why no one has told these incredible people why standing out is far more powerful than falling into formation to satisfy the often unreasonable definitions of femininity and masculinity as if they have firm definitions… they don’t. I know many women with masculine traits, wide shoulders for example, arms with ample hair, some stand over six feet tall or are mistaken for a man on the telephone because their voice is not received as explicitly female. There are men with small waists, even proud busts that make small-breasted women jealous. Some have soft features or mannerisms that have been classified as traditionally feminine. That fact is, while masculinity and femininity are identifiable characteristics, they are not and never have been exclusive to men or women, transgender or not."

She goes on to say: 

" The demand we place on ourselves to satisfy the external gaze becomes nearly excessive, thus, self destructive. What does the perfect woman look like? How does she sound? The ideal man?"

You can follow this link to read more but in the meantime, I think Phaylen's next post should be based on "passing privileges'" which she seems to have from her picture above. 

I know in the all so brief fleeting moments when I have completely passed, I could only describe the time as wonderfully liberating. To the point in which I immediately wondered if it happened at all.