A Problem or Opportunity

Image from Elisa Ventur on 
UnSplash

Over the years I spent too much time wondering the how's or whys of how I needed to carry my considerable gender dysphoria with me. 

It seemed the cruel truth was the more I thought I solved my problems, the more I discovered there were so many more to worry about. Examples are many. Once I became polished enough in my feminine presentation, the more I explored other frontiers which led me to other problems. You may get the idea I was in a vicious circle I struggled to get out of/. As I was able to get my high heeled foot through the door as a transgender woman, then I needed to figure out a way to communicate with the world. What about my voice? More importantly what was I saying when I tried to say it. I found (often the hard way) cis women communicate on many layers include non verbal eye cues. I was saved several dangerous or messy situations with men simply because a staff member gave me a certain look or glance to stay away from him.

At times at seemed I was overwhelmed by the amount of gender problems I was creating for myself. The whole experience was at once very terrifying and at the same time so exciting. In other words, I was turning my problems into opportunities. I was finally following my ultimate dream, to see if I could indeed live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. The opportunities took over and the problems began to fade away.

All of it required a concerted effort to pull my entire new feminine image together. A static image in a mirror or a picture was one thing but putting it all in motion was another. I'm sure we all remember the first times we attempted to walk in heels. It was difficult for me to not look like a linebacker in heels when I first began to venture out in public as a novice cross dresser or transvestite. Of course I made my share of mistakes such as wedging my heels in sidewalk cracks all the way to totally falling. Luckily all which was injured was my pride. 

Eventually I arrived at the point where I had much more opportunity than problems. I was beginning to experience much more opportunity as I began to put a totally new transgender person together. I was out of the mirror and letting the world in. For better or for worse. In the meantime, destiny took over and I was adopted by several special cis-women friends. They helped me through several of my final biggest problems. I was able to turn the problems into opportunities by sheer observation. I was used to watching women as a lifetime obsession so the whole process was normal for me. The main difference was, for a change, they included me as an equal in their world. 

Now I feel my main opportunities come from writing about my transgender experiences. All the way to increasing my volunteer time with organizations such as the Alzheimer's Association. Plus, I have a goal also to eventually become more involved again in the transgender-transvestite/cross dresser group I have been a member of for years. 

Perhaps, the term opportunity can be changed to fulfillment. 

Different Strokes

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to be a regular at the one transgender - cross dresser (Cincinnati) group I go to. The easy answers are I enjoy it and think I have something to add.

The reason I think I have something to add is very simple...I have just survived longer than anyone else in the group. I get many "aha" moments when the occasional cross dresser will deny any advanced feelings about becoming a woman and then, in the next breath say she can't wait to go somewhere and have men hit on her. I smile knowingly, remembering when I felt the same way. I thought when and if a man hit on me, it was a validation of my feminine self.

It's a small example of what I hear and feel at the meetings. I am also fascinated by the cross section of socio-economic types who attend. In other words, how such a different cross section of people can come together for a couple hours to hopefully help each other.

My big input at the meeting last night was what I wrote about in Cyrsti's Condo yesterday. I mentioned the benefit of getting into group situations outside of the LGBTQ community. It is a chance for you to be accepted as a person for a change...not a transgender person. An example is the one person who came to the meeting last night who is a member of two belly dancing groups. I know at least three readers who do the same thing. Paula over in the UK with her music groups, Mandy in all her travels and of course Connie who works a whole job as a woman. (And I know I missed many of you!)

The fact remains not everyone's goal is to live full time as a woman, however , one should never say never. I am proof of that.

Sometimes I think I am a glutton for punishment. Last night I volunteered to run for the board of the group. However, someone else is too, so maybe they will be chosen instead of me. I am qualified from running years of board meetings with several civic organizations. So we will see.

In the meantime, I will continue to add in my comments and observations when I see fit and hope I don't bore too many people!