 |
| Image from Elisa Ventur on UnSplash |
Over the years I spent too much time wondering the how's or whys of how I needed to carry my considerable gender dysphoria with me.
It seemed the cruel truth was the more I thought I solved my problems, the more I discovered there were so many more to worry about. Examples are many. Once I became polished enough in my feminine presentation, the more I explored other frontiers which led me to other problems. You may get the idea I was in a vicious circle I struggled to get out of/. As I was able to get my high heeled foot through the door as a transgender woman, then I needed to figure out a way to communicate with the world. What about my voice? More importantly what was I saying when I tried to say it. I found (often the hard way) cis women communicate on many layers include non verbal eye cues. I was saved several dangerous or messy situations with men simply because a staff member gave me a certain look or glance to stay away from him.
At times at seemed I was overwhelmed by the amount of gender problems I was creating for myself. The whole experience was at once very terrifying and at the same time so exciting. In other words, I was turning my problems into opportunities. I was finally following my ultimate dream, to see if I could indeed live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. The opportunities took over and the problems began to fade away.
All of it required a concerted effort to pull my entire new feminine image together. A static image in a mirror or a picture was one thing but putting it all in motion was another. I'm sure we all remember the first times we attempted to walk in heels. It was difficult for me to not look like a linebacker in heels when I first began to venture out in public as a novice cross dresser or transvestite. Of course I made my share of mistakes such as wedging my heels in sidewalk cracks all the way to totally falling. Luckily all which was injured was my pride.
Eventually I arrived at the point where I had much more opportunity than problems. I was beginning to experience much more opportunity as I began to put a totally new transgender person together. I was out of the mirror and letting the world in. For better or for worse. In the meantime, destiny took over and I was adopted by several special cis-women friends. They helped me through several of my final biggest problems. I was able to turn the problems into opportunities by sheer observation. I was used to watching women as a lifetime obsession so the whole process was normal for me. The main difference was, for a change, they included me as an equal in their world.
Now I feel my main opportunities come from writing about my transgender experiences. All the way to increasing my volunteer time with organizations such as the Alzheimer's Association. Plus, I have a goal also to eventually become more involved again in the transgender-transvestite/cross dresser group I have been a member of for years.
Perhaps, the term opportunity can be changed to fulfillment.
