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| Image from the Jessie Hart Archives... |
Many years ago I frequented a wholesale coat store which seemingly carried an endless inventory of women's coats including many in my size. Which was rare.
I used to make the store a regular stop on my circuit of favorite places to haunt looking for a coat I could not afford. Even at the store's sale prices, finding one would still be a struggle. One day I was there was an extra special day when I saw and then slipped into a powder blue wool lined three quarter length coat. Once I tried it on, it was lust at first sight. It seemed to fit in perfectly with my honey blond shoulder length wig I was so fond of.
The problem I had was one of the usual ones many of us encounter as novice cross dressers or transgender women have, And, where is the money coming from for our new fashion discoveries and would the new fashion really be worth it in the long run. At that time, I was still struggling to hide any extra money I could from my wife who was a trained book-keeper and kept track of our finances. If I was going to my usual thrift store, it was easy to hide my limited expenditures from her and not be afraid of making a huge fashion mistake. If I did, I could simply take the item back and let someone else make the same error without losing much money in the process.
This time though, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't leave the thoughts of how great it would be to be able to buy the cherished blue coat. In desperation, I kept going back to the store and then modeling it in front of one of the many mirrors. At one point, I wondered if I was parading the coat so much that someone would finally notice me and tell me to buy the coat or leave it alone. Luckily, that never happened but on the other hand I was never able to get together enough cash to purchase the blue coat and make it my own. Plus I had no idea where I would be able to hide it where my wife would never notice.
During this point of my life, I was completely entranced or obsessed with looking like a woman. Particularly a well dressed professional transgender woman in a mall or restaurant. My wardrobe at the time included a black silky pantsuit I loved as well as a pale green jacket I paired with a matching mini-skirt and kitten heels. Those were the days of colored opaque pantyhose and I even managed to find a pair of hose which also matched my outfit perfectly.
Ironically, when I look back to a decade or so ago when I started this blog thanks to urging on from friends such as Connie, I can't believe how much I have changed. In the early days, I still believed being a success as a potential transgender woman was just looking the part. As I progressed I learned I was so naïve and I was looking ahead at so many layers of learning what it really meant to come out as my authentic feminine self. Leaving the mirror behind and entering the world was terrifying and extremely challenging at the same time. All the years I spent studying the women around me helped but I discovered it was only the beginning.
Through it all though, I still remember how much I wanted that blue coat and wonder if I would have continued to cherish it as much as I did in the beginning for years. Or, similar to so many other lustful encounters in my past, it would have lost it's newness and just fade away.
