Father's Day

 

Image from Derek Thompson on
Unsplash

This year Father's Day marks a milestone for me. As some of you regulars may remember, Mother's Day this year marked the first time ever I received a Mother's Day gift and card from my only child, a daughter who obviously is very supportive. I need to point out receiving anything remotely tying me into being a mother was totally a surprise.  Or, I didn't ask for it. But, I did shed a tear when it happened. 

Now, on to my Dad. In essence he was long on being a provider and short on providing any sort of emotion. I can't remember him ever saying he loved me although I know he did. 

My Dad was a product of the great Depression and World War II. He was in many ways the image of a self made man and I was in awe of his accomplishments. My Dad rose from very humble beginnings to building his own house and rising to the position of a bank vice president. Since I was there when he mercifully regained his dignity and passed on after suffering from Dementia, I wish I was able to tell him how much I loved him and was proud of the life he had lived. Being a product of his world, I wasn't able to.

Now I regret I never tried to come out to my Dad. My excuse is I didn't know myself what I was back in those days other than a cross dresser or transvestite. Bottom line was I never wanted to face his rejection.

It has taken me many years to do it but now I have reached a point of understanding where my parents were coming from when they raised me. Knowledge of what being transgender was all about was lacking to all of us.

To honor my Mom, I adopted her first name as my legal middle name and finally have come to the point of being able to say I love you Dad and thanks for raising me the best you could and yes it was you I feared disappointing the most when I failed and did something wrong. Coming out as transgender just wasn't wrong.  

 

Dad's Day

 A little late with this post but in many ways it's  a relevant look at my past. Even though  I have never taken any sort of real survey. It seems to me from my many years following other transgender women or cross dressing blogs, our Mom's receive most of the credit and or blame for our gender issues. From makeup to fashion many of us followed our Mom's lead. 

Through it all what about Dad? In my case I still stand in awe of all he accomplished in his life. In addition to surviving the Depression and World War II, he took his high school education, built his own house and rose to being a Bank Vice President. It broke my heart when he developed dementia and slipped away. 

Sadly I was never able to talk to him concerning any of the important issues in my life. Especially my questions about gender. While he exceeded my expectations at being a provider, he was sadly very deficient in being emotionally available. 

It took me years to come to terms to my up bringing as a white privileged kid being raised in a semi-rural area in Ohio. I hit the ground running in 1968 during my first year of college when the Vietnam War was surging and I always thought my Dad was pro Nixon. I remember his disliking of when my hair started to creep over my ears and collar. His crew cuts and burr haircuts became a thing of the past to me. Even still, my Dad managed to not say much to me about his feelings.

During that time, my Mom had no problems filling the void, she was very vocal about "not wasting" the money they spent on my education if I was killed in Vietnam. True story. 

Sadly, my parent's relationship grew toxic as they reached fifty years of marriage. From the outside looking in I think my Mom grew restless about my Dad's increasingly sedentary lifestyle. There was only so much time she could sit around watching television. Even in their dream condo.

The older I become, the more I am curious to what I inherited from both of my parents. My Mom is the easier one to explain. I inherited her fire and ability to change which she had to do when she graduated from a fairly prestigious state university in Ohio and went against her family's blessings and married an high school grad with no real occupational direction. She wore her emotions on her sleeve so she was easy to figure out.

Dad was the exact opposite. It wasn't until much later in life did he let any of his feelings be known concerning his standing with Mom's family. Also sadly, I still have a very difficult time showing any emotion. In fact, I didn't begin to cry at all in my life until I began to feel the effects of hormone replacement therapy. 

Many of you know I made final peace with my Mom when I legally changed my name and chose her first name as my middle name and her father's name as my first. I did not forget my Dad by keeping my last name the same. 

It took me years after both of their passing for me to come to terms with how I was raised. Now I realize they did the best they could with what they had to work with. Times changed on them and they had a difficult time changing with them. A challenge I try to keep up with daily. 

In the meantime, thanks Dad and Happy Father's Day. I love you!   

Happy "Parent's Day"

Today is Father's Day, or Parent's Day as my daughter prefers to call it.

As far as my Dad was concerned, he seemed to follow a trend I saw this morning on the news. Current Fathers spend three times the amount of time with their kids as Dad's did back in 1965. I would have been approximately halfway through high school.

I respected my Dad but I can't say we were ever able to express any love between each other. Our roles seemed to be deeply predefined.  Plus we were deeply divided on what was going on in the country in the 60's.

He was a child of the Great Depression and a survivor of World War II. Very much the self made man.

He passed on years ago and to my knowledge never had any idea of my gender problems.

Happy Father's Day Dad!

It's Father;s Day

Father's Day means many different things to most of us. For some, it brings back memories of our own father's, living or passed on. This is far from a scientific survey but I think for the most part, fathers of transgender women were emotionally distant from their children. My Dad was an excellent provider but was an emotional rock. He rarely let anyone into his inner self. Then again, he was a survivor of the Great Depression and World War II.

Also, you have those of us who have children of our own. Unfortunately, too many of us are disowned by our children. A true shame, the off spring never took the chance to learn the true selves of their father.

My daughter accepts me totally and many times I think I am one of the most blessed people in the world.

Early in my Mtf transgender transition process, we came to several mutual decisions including how she and my three grand kids would refer to me. My dead name went away and my new name was accepted without question. Also we solved the complex question concerning me becoming a "grand parent" not a grand dad. My daughter and I are cool with her referring to me as "Dad" in private and "Parent" in public.

I hope, as I do every year here in Cyrsti's Condo, this Father's Day finds you safely in touch with your family, or have reached out to a new one in the LGBTQ community.

Trans and Dads Maine Style

With Father's Day now in our recent past, stories continue to keep appearing of dad's and trans daughters.
From Portland, Maine comes this story about a special Father's Day from Ellsworth "Derry" Rundlett:

Nick and Derry

"I have been a father since 1965. Over 47 years (and three marriages), I have accrued a few stellar stepchildren. But my son, Ellsworth Rundlett IV -- "Nick" for short -- was the first.
As a child, Nick seldom forgot my special day in June. When he was little, he gave me handmade cards. As he grew older, Nick would often surprise me with some neat gift. I recall a beautiful Australian lighter that I cherished for its special wind screen. Then there was the running shirt that said, "Born to Run." (I run senior track, and I still wear it almost every time I compete.)
When he was 40 years old, Nick revealed that he had been struggling with gender issues. I was shocked. Unbeknownst to me, my son had lived his entire life with the sense that he was really a daughter. Now the burden of resisting this inner knowledge had become too heavy. Nick planned to transition and become Nicole. I was frightened. I feared for Nicole's future, and that of my grandchildren. What would happen to her job? Her marriage? Her social life? Most of all, what was going to happen to my best friend?

Partner , Derry and Nicole

After Nicole confided in me, she embarked on a creative process of self-actualization and physical transformation. At times it was difficult, but many people went out of their way to tell us how much they admired Nicole's bravery and honesty. Now, despite my fears, she is happy and successful. Most importantly, she is my daughter and she is still my best friend."

For the complete story go here!

Hey Dad!

It's Fathers Day and Dad you have been gone for almost a decade now. You had a life to be proud of, all 86 years of it.
You and the family survived the Great Depression and WWII. In many ways you were the "self made man."
No, you never really knew me but hey that's OK. It's hard to say where you would have taken my transgender status and it doesn't really matter now.
I guess you can say I followed in your footsteps to a degree and am making myself into the "un made man".
Right or wrong your genetic gifts sent me down a fierce path of perservance and discovery.
So on another Father's Day, I sit here thinking about you. In your own way, I'm sure you did love me but love was a four letter word in our family. (Never spoken.)
So the best I can hope for is that you would have seen I took the only path which felt right for me and at the least you would have been a little proud.