Feeling the Pain

 

Image from Eugenia 
Maximova 
on UnSplash.

Learning on the fly all I needed to know concerning my authentic life as a transgender woman often resulted in pain.

The pain, early on mainly materialized when I rushed the process of going out in public as a novice transgender woman or cross dresser. Many times I was reduced to tears following being stared at or even laughed at when I was simply out walking around. I felt the pain for years until I finally realized I was the problem and sought out the reasons why. The main reason was (as I always mention) my male ego was dictating my femininized fashion sense. He was thinking attempting to dress sexy would somehow validate myself as a woman. Of course, it didn't and just made me look ridiculous. On the other hand, when I dressed to blend in with other women, they validated me as a woman.

My frustration and pain increased until I became fed up with the entire process and changed it. My thrift shopping adventures began to change to reflect my new fashion sense. I was held back in many ways by my budget and knowledge of what fashion I was trying to buy. Sizing was an example, as I struggled to find what looked best on my testosterone poisoned body. I did not have the benefit of having any feminine characteristics to begin my journey so trial and lots of error is what I went through. Every time I learned a fashion choice I made  just would not work, I felt the pain return again.

My situation improved when my overall confidence improved to a point where I was able to use the women's changing rooms. When I could afford to go to a mall clothing store, I always checked with a clerk first to see if I was to be accepted so as not to feel the sting and embarrassment later. In the thrift stores I went to, the changing  rooms were not monitored anyhow, so I never had to ask. As I said, when I had the opportunity to try on clothes ahead of time, my improvement rate went way up and my fashion pain way down.

After conquering most of my fashion pain, next up came my paranoia over communicating as a transgender woman in the world. Of course I quickly discovered I had no idea of how women communicate between themselves. I found myself on several different levels when I dealt with the world. Once I figured out I was not "fooling" anyone else and just resorted to being myself, my life improved. One level of woman just did not care and basically ignored me while another level was curious and wondered what I was doing in their world. Overall, I was learning on the fly and had my share of pain such as the one transphobic woman I encountered at a party Liz and I attended many years ago. She was actively harassing me about what my dead name was. She was so evil, the experience still causes me pain to this day.

Overall though, when I compare my transgender journey to others I read about, I suppose I have had it lucky. Even though I had suffered a lifetime's worth of pain when I lost my wife, several close friends and my business in a span of five years, I was able to find new friends and rebound. Mainly because the friends and Liz accepted me as my authentic feminine self. I guess karma was paying me back for a lifetime of wondering what I was doing about my transgender self. All the years of doubting my gender existence came back to be a strength when I quit being a victim in my own life. 

Sure I was transgender but suddenly it became a strength not a weakness and the pain was behind me. 

     

The Power of Pain

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

 Perhaps you have heard of the expression "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". Most certainly it is easy to equate the quote with being transgender. 

As we go through life as a trans woman or trans man, our upbringing follows us. If you suffer from gender dysphoria as I did, or not, very few of us escape the torment of our lifetime of taking a long gender journey. A journey which presents new challenges at every turn. First of all, we have to deal with the challenge of perfecting our appearance so we can attempt to go out in public at all, As I write about often, I went through severe challenges before I learned the hard way I needed to dress myself to blend rather than excite. 

Once I learned those hard lessons, I was able to move on to even more challenging moments in my male to female gender transition. The pain I was experiencing led me rather quickly to another big fork in the road when it came to living in a woman's world. What I needed to learn to be able to play in the girl's sandbox was to be able to understand how women communicated between themselves. I needed to adjust to living in a largely passive aggressive system in order to survive and even flourish. Also, I needed to learn what women were really trying to say when I was attempting to make it successfully in a system they were good at and I was still a novice trying to learn. 

Many times I didn't escape the pain when I was backstabbed or clawed in the back by another woman I thought accepted me. It wasn't until I found a small group of women friends who accepted me for who I really was and didn't use it against me. At the same time I learned from my friends the basics of learning to validate myself without a man and more precisely accept myself on my own terms. Sadly I still had my own share of pain. Then I experienced even more pain when I entered  the dark time of my life. Somehow it seemed I had to lose nearly everything else to gain my time to emerge as my true self. Truly a time of intense rediscovery and finally I was able to move on regardless of the pain I felt. I needed to take the difficult step to learning to trust myself again as a totally new person in the world.

Looking back at the painful dark portion of my life, I think I very much was able to emerge as a better person.  The biggest positive was I had the opportunity to live as a functioning member of both of the two binary genders. In fact, for awhile I found myself advising other women on communication problems they were having with their men. I was humbled and flattered to be included in their thoughts but still thought there was better advice to be had than mine. 

I guess, in the end result ,pain is what you make of it. Very few humans escape real pain as it is built into our lives anyhow as we all experience death. However it seems, being transgender brings even more pain to lives which don't deserve it. It is one of the reasons our trans selves have molded ourselves into such a resilient tribe.