Halloween

 Halloween has become sort of a bittersweet day for me. 

While I have all the pleasant (even thrilling) remembrances of Halloween's in the past, these days since I have been living all these years as a fulltime transgender woman, Halloween has become just another day. Plus, the covid virus has taken out any idea of having another annual witches ball this year, I can't even put together a costume for that. 

Over the years though, I spent weeks (or longer) stressing on what I was going to wear on the one magical night a year I could go out and be myself. Typically I started with "streetwalker" drag and quickly advanced to a "professional woman" look. I wanted secretly to be viewed as a cis woman who showed up without a costume. 

Naturally, all these efforts met with varyingly levels of success. I went from my high heels killing my feet, to being recognized by an old acquaintance because I looked like my Mom, all the way to being asked by a future Washington politician (and his date) to another Halloween party after the one we were at. 

Then there was the first date I had with Liz when we went to a major witches ball in Cincinnati when I was dressed as a wench and enjoyed all the pirates and belly dancers. 

As I seemingly close the door on Halloween this year though, I keep thinking there is always next year! 

From the UK-Talulah Eve Brown

 Several years ago, transgender model Talulah Eve Brown made LGBTQ history by becoming the first transgender woman to be named to "Britain's Top Model" contest. 

Here she is in 2018:

 As she grew up though, Talulah encountered the same problems many of us faced:

The year was 2004 and somewhere in Burton upon Trent, Staffordshire, a troubled 13-year-old was saying a special prayer — a ritual repeated every night before going to sleep.

‘I used to look at the stars every night and pray “Please God, let me not grow too tall, so one day I can be a woman”.’

Today, the beautiful 26-year-old statuesque woman with feline eyes and forever legs feels she owes the cosmos a huge thank you.

‘I stopped growing at 5 ft 8 in,’ says Talulah-Eve. ‘A perfect height!’

Here she is today with her boyfriend. From the "Daily Mail TV"

Leyna Bloom

 

From Elle Australia:

"Along with being a pioneering model, Leyna Bloom is an actress, dancer and activist for both the LGBTQI+ and black communities. Her modelling career started in 2014, and by 2017, she was one of the few openly transgender models in the industry, walking at New York Fashion Week. In the same year she also became the first openly transgender model of color to appear in editorial for Vogue India. Adding to her collection of 'firsts', in May 2019, her feature film debut in Port Authority at Cannes Film Festival marked the first time a trans woman of color held a leading role in a movie featured at a major film festival."

The Bridge

 After writing yesterdays Cyrsti's Condo post which primarily dealt with the possibility of facing negative treatment when and if you are forced to enter an assisted living facility. I received feedback

In the meantime, yesterday afternoon, I attended a virtual meeting on the subject hosted by Equality Ohio and Rainbow Elderly Alliance of Dayton, Ohio. Essentially, what I found out was I wasn't alone in thinking about building a bridge to jump off of (when considering my future). Survey's taken have revealed the same concerns from a very large percentage of transgender individuals. I liked the surveys because they were careful to separate transgender women and men from the other segments of the LGB community. It turns out, many "gender expansive" (new term) individuals had been discriminated to the extent of even being denied equal health care and power of attorney's. 

I wish I could provide you all with some sort of positive here but the only thing I can come up with is, certain groups are working to help us with education programs for assisted living facilities. The major problem is we, meaning the LGBT community, have few legal resources as far as the government goes.  In many parts of the country. Which unfortunately will not change or even get worse with the latest Supreme Court appointment.

As Michelle wrote in and said: hopefully I will never get close to the bridge to jump off of (and have to enter an assisted living facility. )

And Susan Brooks added this comment : "Like you, I am a senior in the transgender community and I am concerned that I might have to return to the closet in my later years. Now that I have entered my 70s, those later years are much closer than I would prefer. I'm fortunate to live in an open minded region of a very closed minded state. So, elections, such as the one we're enduring right now, have consequences that definitely can hit home.

As you say, don't jump off the bridge before you get to it."

Thanks for the comments. I am trying desperately to bury my bridge parts in the closet!

Back to Being Old

After the brief moments of remembering my past military experience, yesterday was also time to snap back to the present. After I went to a virtual transgender - cross dressers meeting last night, it seemed I spent the whole day on the laptop. Of course it included the time it took me to go through all my emails and the time it took to write a blog post. 

Mixed in with all of that was a LGBTQ virtual webinar on aging issues I watched late last week. I came away from it with at least the sense others shared my concerns with conditions we face as we age. Specifically in assisted care facilities and/or nursing homes. Messages came in from political figures such as Sherrod Brown (Ohio Democratic Senator) and the Mayor of Dayton, Ohio. I also learned more about a group called "Sage" which presents seminars to assisted living groups. 

I am also going to attend another seminar summit meeting today on nearly the same subjects. It's called a "Workshop for LGBT Elders and their Caregivers." Hopefully I will learn about any rights the elderly have may have. 

As I say over and over again, I am so paranoiac about having to de-transition and go back in the closet as I face getting older. I am in a different place than many transgender individuals because I have chosen not to have any surgeries at all, plus no facial hair removal. Take me off my hormones (which is also a possibility) and I am stuck dealing again with the worst aspects of my gender dysphoria.

I am fortunate though I have a strong support group around me. 

Through it all, I keep telling myself not to build a bridge to jump off of before I need to. 

Just Google It

 The group which is presenting me with a honor for my LGBTQ transgender military service so many years ago requested a picture if I could find one. It was so many years ago (1972-75) and was a time which I wasn't especially fond of having my picture taken anyhow, I doubted if I could find one. 

I was sure I didn't have any pictures "just laying around" the house. Finally, I remembered a few of the former guys who served where I did on the American Forces Radio and Television Service - Thailand Network actually put together a website years ago. I began to wonder if I was in any of their pictures.

I went out on a limb and googled my deadname and AFTN and amazingly, there I was. Listed in a group picture of the entire crew of the military Udorn, Thailand radio/television station in September of 1972. I would have been approximately six months removed from basic training and the station itself was still fairly new. A year before, a battle damaged fighter jet had crashed into the old station killing all nine of the workers inside. So the surprise picture brought back many memories, many not so good.

At any rate, I have decided to share the photo on Cyrsti's Condo. I am on the bottom row, first person on the left. I worked all nights then and lived off base, so somehow I escaped not having to wear a uniform for the group. Ironically the only other military person shown here not in uniform was my close friend Dave Mallett. 

With this group we operated and tried to maintain a 24/7 radio station and a 14 hour a day television station for the airbase and separate "secret" sites in Cambodia. Our job was to provide as well as we could a connection to home for the others we served.

I am humbled and honored to receive the award!

  

Hari Nef

 Hari Nef (below) is an American actress, model and writer. Nef made her runway debut at New York Fashion Week Spring 2015, walking for both Hood By Air and Eckhaus Latta. Nef is known for speaking about trans issues. She is the first openly transgender person to appear on the cover of a major British magazine.

Don't Let the Middle Bother You?

 Almost anyway you look at it, dealing with gender dysphoria creates quite a bit of tension because you are dealing with a middle gender of sorts. Awhile ago I was surprised when several members of the cross dresser - transgender group I was in ,expressed they had never experienced any gender dysphoria as they transitioned. I finally thought they were fortunate enough to have never been in the dreaded gender middle ground. Being gender dysphoric and never wanting to give up certain aspects of my male life, came close to totally destroying me. Leading ultimately to a very serious suicide attempt. Several years later, I was able to discover I could bring many of the so called male activities I enjoyed so much with me as I tried to complete my transition. I say "tried" because I feel I still am transitioning to this day. 

As I always enjoy doing and when Connie sends along a comment which lends itself to a particular post, such as gender dysphoria. I like to share it. Here it is:

"As I sang in my comment the other day, You've got to ac-cen-tuate the positive E-lim-inate the negative The rest of the verse, though, may be more important here: Latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between As trans women, there will always be that Mister In-Between who haunts us. We put on blinders to avoid seeing him, but we still are aware he's there. As much as I claim that I've transitioned to the point where I have integrated the better parts of my male-self with my female-self, I've really only managed to blur the line between the two - which is where Mister In-Between resides. He may emerge from the fog in different ways: His fat, stubby-fingered hands, his baritone voice, his scratchy face too long after a shave (not necessarily visible, but felt), his big head that connects to broad shoulders by a thick neck. 

Or, it could even be a memory from some long-ago feat of manhood. While none of those things are desirable to my female-self, though, I have to remind myself that they did not necessarily define my past male-self, either. Not only do I compare myself to other women, I have often found myself looking at some men who may have more-feminine features, such as smaller hands with long and delicate fingers, a higher-pitched voice, or a smaller head connected to narrow shoulders by a long narrow neck. Yet, they go about their lives as men because they were born to be men. Although they may wish some things about themselves could be more masculine, they don't have the dysphoria that is Mister In-Between. Still, though I may be envious of their feminine features,

 I would rather live with my dysphoria than to be a man - with feminine features or not. Don't mess with Mister In-Between, but don't let Mister In-Between mess with you, either."

Well put.

More on Gender Dysphoria

 Ironically, thanks to Michelle commenting on a recent Cyrsti's Condo post, plus a recent article I read called the "Joy of Being Transgender" by Riley Black in the on line "Medium" magazine, I have been positively subjected to a couple great ideas concerning gender dysphoria. 

First, Michelle's comment:

"Here's a thought that many of us might not think about. We have these moments that our GD (gender dysphoria) makes us feel good about ourselves and at other times we think the worst. I wonder just how many cis-women have almost the same feelings about their looks, mannerisms, relationships, etc.. I have talked to female friends about their feelings and find that many have similar feelings and emotions that I have. I know that most women don't dwell on those thoughts but somewhere in the back of their minds it's there. It started way back in early childhood when they were trying to find their niche in life and to some degree it has continued to later life. The only real difference between them and trans women is that time is more compressed for us."

You are completely correct Michelle! Plus, anyone who doesn't think cis women don't go through their own brand of dysphoria is not facing reality. I have met very few cis women who don't go through some sort of contortions to meet society's standards. Examples would be diets, work outs, makeup etc. 

The second post I found is from Riley Black and is on the Medium site. Riley writes about the joy of the changes coming from her HRT. (hormone replacement therapy). As much as I try, I couldn't find much of a spot to jump in and give you a brief idea of what the writer is striving to get to. She blends it so well. However, I will try:

"I wish I could go back to myself two years ago, freshly out of a long-term relationship and just prior to starting hormone replacement therapy as I tried to pull my life together in a tiny basement apartment. The best I can do is go back and read my old journal entries from that time. Dated December 30th, 2018:

I feel like my brain and body are not in total alignment. I can think of many reasons not to change, not to follow this. But every time I do something a little more femme — the corset, the dress, thigh highs — my body flushes and my happiness seems evident. I find myself touching my chest more, wishing there were breasts there, and looking in the mirror, trying to envision what I might look like. It’s hard to imagine. I see stubble and sharp angles. Not the most masculine, but not exactly feminine, which just makes the thought of tits filling out my tees seems ridiculous. But I won’t know until I explore a little more.

Fast forward to today. I’m not washing up in the shower, touching my chest and asking what having breasts might feel like. I know. They’re there, tangible evidence of what time and a bit of estrogen can do. “They bounce,” as my girlfriend likes to remind me."

If you would like to read more, I have added a link above for you to try. One fact remains though, gender dysphoria remains  a very complex and personal issue.

Such a Day

 Yesterday was my scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist. It was a virtual visit so I didn't have to drive the 45 minutes to do it, which was nice. It was nice too, to put on a little makeup  for the visit. Little did I know such a small action would result in triggering my gender dysphoria for the entire day. 

First though, my appointment went well and I received refills on my all important hormone replacement therapy meds...spiro and estradiol. She asked all the relevant questions about body feminization, body hair and blood pressure. Spiro can be known to decrease blood pressure too low and cause a person to be dizzy. It is also used to lower testosterone. Mine is very low (15) so I am considering cutting back on my dosage which hopefully will cut back on the dizziness I feel in the morning. I did have to set up another blood test on my hormone levels for her when I go see the laboratory "vampires" in November to make sure my estrogen level isn't too high. I figure I will jump off that bridge when I come to it. 

As far as the gender dysphoria went, if the truth be known, I probably am somewhere between the best look I think I have and the worst look I try to work through. I know too, appearance is but a small part of what works together to make me a transgender woman.

Which means, the worst part of the whole activity is it is a total waste of time and I don't know why I continue to subject myself to it. I can only surmise gender dysphoria will be with me as long as I live and days such as I just went through won't be the last. 

The Craft Returns

 As you may recall, a former Cyrsti's Condo post featured a transgender "craft" theme.

How the idea started was a post I saw from the "Daily Pilot" on the return of the 1990's cult classic "The Craft". It follows a coven of teen witches. A casting call last year sought a transgender actress for one of the four witches in the reboot and came up with "Zoey Luna" (below)

When she auditioned for the part, Luna didn't even have a manager. But Dante Alencastre’s documentary “Raising Zoey” chronicled her transition as a young girl in Downey and premiered at Outfest in 2016. She followed up that project by appearing in the first episode of the HBO’s four-part docuseries “15: A Quinceañera Story.”

In 2019, it was announced Luna would join the quartet of four teen witches. 

In its latest annual report, GLAAD found that none of the eight major studios released a film in 2019 with any transgender characters, much less Latinx ones. This year will be different thanks to “The Craft: Legacy” alone when it arrives Oct. 28 to video on demand.

Finally, Luna said: The Craft needed a type of queer energy,” says Luna. “I’m really grateful for all the other trans kids that are going to get to see this film.”

The Trans Craft

 We all know there is an amazing amount of effort which goes into the gender transition enabling we transgender women and men to live comfortably in our chosen gender. It is truly an unending craft a person has to learn. To name a few important gender variables, there are make-up, clothes, hair, accessories, deportment and communication to consider. Then again, even a "normal" cis woman is constantly learning about her life as she lives it. We all know from our "observations" how positively cliquish cis women are about basically dressing the same. Examples would be as they age, skirts grow longer (when they wear them at all) and/or their hair gets shorter. 

Although, I didn't intend it to be when I started to write this post, I have decided to reference Stana's recent post in her "Femulate" blog. Years ago, I experienced the pleasure of briefly meeting Stana when she was in Dayton, Ohio. The one most amazing part of her presentation I remember were her remarkable legs. She is tall and her legs went on forever. I remember also the few men in the hotel lobby who noticed her too.

Stana is approximately my more mature age and like any women of our years we face certain pressures to conform. Legs in her case and hair in mine are prime examples. My hair is way too long for a woman of my age. It has grown down to nearly the middle of my back now. I look at it this way. I have waited decades to be able to grow it this long and if I am condemned by a few, so be it. It's all part of my "craft". I don't have to worry about wanting to wear dresses everywhere. I never have and was condemned by more than a few other cross dressers when I started to come out because of my desire to wear slacks or even jeans. 

On the other hand, Stana, keep showing off those amazing legs! You have them girl, flaunt them!

Finally, if the truth be known, this post was supposed to go another way. So I will save it for another day. 

Gender in a Cage

Among the rest of the critters around here (three cats and a dog) we have a ferret. Ours used to have a companion in her cage but he passed away some time ago. Since she really doesn't have a choice, the ferret is very territorial of what is in her cage.

This morning, as Liz was feeding her, she left the cage door open for a couple minutes. As I observed the ferret checking out her potential freedom, I was surprised she didn't attempt it. She simply leaned out of the opening and never made a break for it. 

The whole episode made me think of my life as a transgender woman. I reflected back on all the years I had to stare longingly at any opening I had to cross dress and leave the closet. But, similar to our ferret, it took me years to make the leap to gender freedom and live my life in a feminine world. 

Who knows? Would I still be lingering behind if it had not be for a series of friends who helped push me out of my closet and into the world. Another way to look at it was, I viewed changing how I lived crossing the gender frontier as sliding down a slippery slope towards a very steep cliff. 

About that time, when I was frequenting sports bars cross dressed, I encountered, friends such as Kim, Racquel and Nikki who always saw my feminine side. As I was able to slide down the slope and see the opening which was preventing me from gender transitioning totally and escaping my cage or closet.

Then there was people like Liz and Andrea who made sure my landing was soft and more exciting than I ever could have imagined. I also would be remiss if I didn't mention another group of people such as Trish, Ed, Jen., Steve and Debra (and others) whose acceptance was so critical to me building a new life. 

Of course, I can't tell what the ferret thinks but I am so happy I made it out of my cage!

Another Look at Transgender Socialization

 Connie responded to the Cyrsti's Condo post on transgender socialization with a look of her own:

"It's true, at least in my case, that living a gender-dichotomous life has required a different sort of socialization. My experiences have been three decades ahead of Ms Tanenbaum's, and, as such, included even more of a self-induced socialization - especially during my formative years. Society was largely black and white on gender in the 50s and 60s. In those days, if one displayed behaviors that did not strictly adhere to society's expectations, they would probably be labeled homosexual. As much as I wished I were a girl, I was more afraid of being seen as a gay boy. From what little I knew (or thought I knew) of gay people at the time, I was absolutely certain that I didn't fit that mold - certain most of the time, that is. I often contemplated the possibility that I was, but would dismiss it because I was attracted to girls. But, then, I would wonder whether I were only attracted to girls because I wanted to be like them, or that I wanted to be "with" them.

Perhaps, the bigger question would be: If I were like them, would they still want to be "with" me? In real life, I was socialized male by default. In my own secret fairy tale life, I was astute enough to the socialization of the girls that I could appropriate femininity any time my male-self was not in demand. There were so many times that I would come home dead-tired from football practice, but become completely regenerated by the chance to express my feminine-self when I knew nobody else would be home for an hour or two. Looking back on it, football was my release, while abandoning all male expectation in favor of my female-self was my relief. Eventually, long after my football days, it was becoming dead-tired of just meeting male socialized expectations, at all, that led me to a more-feminine socialized existence. Inasmuch as "trans socialization" is being used as an argument against certain feminists' accusations that male socialization invalidates a trans woman's actual womanhood, I'm not sure it's enough to change their minds. 

Personally, I'm not really concerned, anyway. For those who would judge me more by how I got here than by who I am now, I have no time for wasting. I had already wasted enough valuable time judging myself the same way."

Thanks for the comment!

How the Army Made a Girl out of Me.

 As strange as it may seem, my three year stint in the Army, so long ago did wonders to further my goal of living as my authentic self. It turned out it just took me a while to get here.

First of all my forced enlistment was instrumental in ending a toxic relationship I was in with my first fiancé I was with in college. She knew I was a cross dresser and expected me to use it to stay out of the draft by saying I was gay. Obviously, I didn't.

Then there was basic training where everyone learned how to be an infantryman. Needless to say, there was no room to pursue the true source of my gender dysphoria, What it did do though was to make me mentally tough enough to realize sooner or later I could achieve almost any goal. After all, I was heading to what was deemed an impossible Army job as a radio/television broadcaster. I ended up serving on three continents  in three years.

During the process, as I have written many times, I met the woman who was to present me with the greatest gift of my life, my daughter Andrea. Even though she was to find out later on I was a cross dresser (or transvestite) back in those days, when I summoned up the courage to dress completely as a woman at a Halloween party we went to. I ended up admitting to her and two other friends later on my desire to dress as a woman. This was way back in the days in the Army before the "Don't ask, don't tell" LGBTQ so called protection policy. So I could have found myself in trouble if the wrong people found out my "secret". 

It turned out this experience in the Army set the way for me to work harder on my cross dressing feminine presentation and even to attempt to come out to my Mother. Which turned out to be a failure. Undeterred, I continued to stay in my closet and explore being a girl.

Throughout the middle of my life, regardless of what the Army taught me (or didn't), I became a more accomplished feminine person and increasingly wanted to try out my new found skills in the public's eye. It was about this time as I lost almost everything else in my life, I decided to take advantage of the Veteran's Administration medical benefits which would include access to hormone replacement therapy or HRT. It turned out, the meds resulted in a wonderful feminization process which continues to this day.

So you could say again, the Army was and is - is making a girl out of me. 

  

Transgender Socialized

 There is a collection of LGBTQ posts called "Medium" which I have recently been exposed to. Since after a few visits, it becomes a paid site, I was too strapped financially to explore it further. However, through another person's blog I follow, I was able to explore another post concerning being socialized as transgender from Theresa Jean Tanenbaum.

Following my decades long attempt to fit into a male world (and failing), I have given too much thought to the fitting in process, or the lack of. I never really considered the process as being socialized as such. Until I read Theresa's post.

Here is part of it:

"I’ve been a girl my whole life, but I didn’t always know it. As a result, many of my childhood experiences were defined by cognitive dissonance. Growing up as a trans girl is like being gaslit by the whole world and still finding the strength and confidence to say “No! THIS is who I am!” After all, no other girls are subjected to the same degree of toxic masculinity as trans girls. No other girls are forced into boys locker rooms, or men’s restrooms, or all-male prep schools. No other girls are told to “man up!” or “don’t be a sissy”. No other girls are asked to prove they are girls again and again, by people who can’t themselves clearly explain what standard of proof they require, short of direct inspection of their genitals.

Trans girls are sent into male spaces, like canaries in coal mines, often not knowing why we don’t fit it. Not knowing why we are uncomfortable. When we express discomfort with the bullying we frequently experience at the hands of boys, we’re told that “that’s just how boys are” so we’d better get used to it. My failure to properly participate in male tribal behaviors made me a target for male aggression throughout my childhood. Boys who had been taught to “never hit a girl” had no problem starting a fight with someone they perceived as a boy, who acted, talked, and responded like a girl.

For my entire childhood I thought that it was normal to feel sick and nervous around other kids. 

To feel like the other kids were following some script that I couldn’t read. Fearing that if I got a line wrong they’d turn on me. Interacting with boys always made me feel like a rabbit sneaking through a den of lions….one misstep and I’d be devoured. Boys radiated danger to me. "

There is more and you can read it here.

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

 Another blog I follow all the time through another blogging platform is the "Tony Burgess" Blog. 

He features many different quotes and every now and then, one really seems to lend itself to the transgender experience. Here is one of them. 

Just Thinking

 This morning, as I looked over my email feeds, I wondered aloud to Liz about how many cis women and cross dressers still support a certain person in Washington and more importantly who he has nominated to fill Justice Ginsberg's spot on the Supreme Court. 

You know the two I am writing about. One is trying to erase all transgender women and men totally, while the other in the future could vote to change everything for women from abortion rights to same sex marriage. 

I can understand why most cross dressers don't care. You see them all the time commenting on Facebook. They can stay in their closets, live as privileged men and not care anything concerning the overall transgender community. 

Cis women, I have a harder time understanding. They must have short memories and/or no knowledge of history. It wasn't so long ago they couldn't even vote or had to fight for any control of their own bodies. 

Maybe it because transgender women have had to go through a major struggle to even arrive where we are, it makes sense we should care more. 

Perhaps now you are thinking what have I done to further the cause. I don't have the financial resources to do much but I have managed to donate small amounts of money to Amy McGrath in Kentucky who is running against Moscow Mitch McConnell and Jamie Harrison who is running against tRump supporter Lindsey Graham. I also have been involved with Equality Ohio trying to convince the republican legislature in Ohio to vote a fairness bill which would cover all of the LGBTQ community including transgender people. I called the new Ohio Speaker of the House last night to express my support.

Most importantly, my vote has been sent in. 

At the least, I want to tell my Grandkids I tried! 

Rest in Power Monica

 A true transgender pioneer, activist and blogger has passed away. Recently the body of Monica Roberts was found in the parking lot of an apartment complex.

She passed from an unspecified "medical emergency" according to a Houston police statement. 

Roberts (above) a native of Houston, launched her award-winning TransGriot blog in 2006 as a forum for transgender people of color. It became one of the first blogs to identify transgender homicide victims using their correct gender identity and names. Last year, Roberts told The Daily Beast that she took on the task because “I got tired of them being disrespected in death.”

I remember ten years ago when I first began blogging, Monica Roberts was already an established transgender person of color in the field. 

She will be missed. Rest in Power!

A Busy Morning on the Computer

 Thanks to the virus, almost all of my interaction these days comes through my Cyrstih@yahoo.com email plus comments here to the blog or on Facebook. 

This morning I received a couple of pleasant surprises. The biggest one was finding out I was one of the nominee's for the Greater Dayton Rainbow Alliance veterans awards. Needless to say I was humbled and flattered. Along the way too, I had to reach way back in my rusty noggin to remember some of the service details they asked for. I had to pull back facts from the 1972-1975 days I was in the Army during the Vietnam War. The organization wanted to know such things as awards I received, rank etc. I knew I had four award medals to wear on my uniform but I even had to Google Viet era military medals to see what they were called. Bottom line was with a little help from Google, I was able to shake off the dust and answer the questions. 

The other significant happening this morning was when I was confirmed for a virtual conference on LGBTQ aging later on in October in close by Dayton, Ohio. I even will receive a small book for going. Of course I will pass along any relevant details to all of you!

Finally, of less significance but no less importance is the school group (10th grade) which is forming a LGBTQ group. They have asked for outside help and I responded. Now the big question is, will there be school at all due to rising virus case concerns. Or, will it all go on line. The good news is that so far my advanced age hasn't scared them off. 

I can only say, now I need a nap!

Coming Out Day and Safety

 Another LGBTQ coming out day has come and gone. Surely, it is for those of us who have been out and living a full time transgender life  for years, easy to say just get out of the closet and do it. 

Realistically though, there is so much to consider to do it. There are family and financial considerations to encounter and work your way through. And normally  this is just the beginning of a coming out process. If you are a transgender woman or a trans man, you have to figure out the intricate nature of transforming your physical self the world sees so it syncs up with your inner gender self. Ideally, once you accomplish all of that, your life will become better. For some, many expensive, painful procedures and operations follow just to help accomplish the gender syncing process.

Of course there is another important lesson to learn when you transition into the feminine world. You lose your male privilege. When I first transitioned, I learned the hard way. I lost some of my basic intelligence and that was the easy part. I was lucky in I escaped the physical dangers I encountered when I ignored the fact I wasn't a guy anymore. I have written before here in Cyrsti's Condo about the night I was nearly over powered by an over zealous admirer all the way to the night I was caught walking down the the street late at night in a downtown urban environment by two guys wanting money. 

All of this leads me to the most sobering truth of this post. As of now, over thirty transgender women (that we know of) have been killed this year. In the USA alone.

All of the statistics point to the fact when you enter the feminine world, you have to learn quickly what cis women know...be careful out there!    

Inspiration

 As Cyrsti's Condo is firmly entrenched in it's tenth year of existence and with over 6,000 posts, finding new topics to explore becomes increasingly difficult. It's during this time I aggressively seek outside sources for ideas. 

Recently, I found this quote which describes many of the early experiences I went through as I explored the feminine world as a cross dresser earlier in life. This was before I transitioned into a fully functioning transgender woman.

Every once in a while though, I encounter the occasional novice transgender person who thinks I magically arrived where I am now with very few problems. All of that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Like so many others who encountered gender dysphoria during their life, I seemingly had to go through so many self destructive times which I could write a whole new post about. In other words, I felt the fear and did it anyway...the wrong way. 

I was fortunate though in that I was able to grasp a couple of things which helped to to get by and even succeed.

The first of which was being able to begin HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which at my age wasn't a given. I had to have the good health to do it. Essentially what happened to me outside of the obvious was the feminine pronouns took the male edge off of me. I became easier to get along with. 

The second of which was when I encountered a series of cis women who welcomed me into their circle and I was able to learn more completely how to exist in a feminine world. 

Overall, this phrase became my mantra and I have been able to succeed. I never take it for granted. 

 

Internalized Transphobia

 From Connie and indirectly Emma, we received this comment on the blog post "Saying Hello":

" I think Emma hit on the main answer by referring to "Internalized Transphobia." Through our own insecurity, we can often project it on to others. When I first presented my feminine-self to the outside world, it was in association with a trans (mostly cross dresser) group. I quickly learned the rules of trans engagement, and one of the top rules was: Whenever two or more are gathered, the chances for being outed are exponentially increased. Especially when we are out by ourselves, as when shopping, we are often very much aware and self-conscious about being outed. As upsetting as it may be to out oneself (as by the sound of our voice, for example), it would be not-so-cool to press another trans person into a situation that could be upsetting to themselves.

I run across trans women quite frequently when I'm out and about. Even though I am so much more secure with myself than I used to be, even seeing another trans woman is a reminder of my own gender identity and dysphoria. If we should make eye contact, I normally just flash a friendly smile (now hidden behind my N-95 Covid mask, unfortunately), just as I would with anyone else. It's like being stopped at a four-way-stop intersection when the drivers aren't sure who was there first, and who should make the first move. Of course, there have also been instances where the other person made a concerted effort to avoid me by making a u-turn (something I've never experienced with a cis woman). Years ago, while I was doing a job making late-night deliveries in a small business district , I spotted a young trans woman at an ATM across the street . We were the only people around, and I guess my gaze was a bit obvious. She responded with an enthusiastic flip of the bird. Actually, my only thought was that of admiration for being out at such a young age, but she didn't know that. We were being influence by each of our internalized transphobias.

I might note here that I have met with Emma once. We had a pleasant happy hour meeting in a busy downtown lounge. Although I don't think either of us were too much under the influence of transphobia, I remember thinking to myself afterward that we could have talked a lot more about something other than being trans. Perhaps, we'll meet again some day, without the Covid masks - or the trans masks, either. ;-)"

I think too, so many transgender women or cross dressers are so desperately trying to "present" they don't want to be recognized and this results in "internalized transphobia " too.

Thanks for the thoughtful comment!

Transgender Activist in Starring Role

 Trans activist Shakina Nayfact is making history again as she lands a starring role in the new NBC comedy The show which is called "Connecting" will be on Thursday nights. Nayfact (below) is making history as the first transgender regular on a prime time television show. Here is a brief description from the "Advocate" : 

"On the topic of her history-making role, Nayfack placed it in the larger context of the transgender movement. "It feels like a huge honor and a huge responsibility to get right," she said. "And also, I think it is a benchmark in a process of social change that so many other trans artists have forged alongside me and ahead of me. I like to stay away from the narratives of like, you know, 'first achievement' and think more about the legacy that we are building together as a community of trans actors fighting for representation for the rest of us out in the world."

However, in a time when few Hollywood productions are being made due to the pandemic, and in an election season to boot, Nayfack acknowledged how special it was to have a trans character represented.

"I look at Connecting as one of the first shows to be made amid the crisis of COVID-19. And one of the seven series regulars on that show is a trans woman," she said. "So that's really exciting to me because we're already guaranteed admission. We're here. We're inside the theme park. So let's go on some rides."

Perhaps some day we will come to the point where we don't have to point out an actor or actress is transgender at all!

Saying Hello

 Have you ever encountered another person in public whom you considered to be transgender or a cross dresser? Have you tried to strike up a conversation or just walked the other way. Perhaps later you regretted your decision. In the pre-covid days of my life, it wasn't totally uncommon for me to see a person who triggered my "trans-dar."

Overall. except for one occasion when I encountered another transgender person I knew well, I can say I never spoke up and tried to start a conversation. Why? Mainly because I was afraid of embarrassing myself if the person wasn't trans. The only other alternative I had was focusing in on and commenting on a particular aspect of a person's presentation.(such as a handbag or earrings) Of course if I was at the market and I encountered the rare overdressed woman, I automatically thought she was a cross dresser. More interesting was the night Liz and I went to a New Years Eve performance of the Cincinnati Orchestra in music hall where all the women were dressed to the nines. Including me. The occasion was early in my coming out days and I was scared to death. 

Along the way, I recently received another comment from "Emma" concerning her thoughts  on encountering another transgender person:

" I've often walked away from an encounter with another trans person asking myself why we didn't simply talk about something else - just as we would have with a cis person." Yes! It's just over three years since I started my transition. The first couple of years were so focused on being trans, dealing with my shame and fears, yes, a couple of surgeries. Lots of internal transphobia. But these days I hardly think about it. I think it comes down to self-acceptance and love, recognizing that we are as normal as anyone else. Sure, some of our characteristics are a bit rare, but so is being left handed, blue-eyed, or whatever. Je suis comme je suis: I am what I am. After over a half century on this planet I am excited about my life."

Thanks for the comment Emma! Nice to hear of your excitement. :) 

Transgender Gold...Bond

From "Cheddar" and  Mike Nam

"Actress Laverne Cox, perhaps best known for her role on the Netflix hit Orange Is the New Black, has partnered with skincare brand Gold Bond on the new marketing campaign #ChampionYourSkin and is using the platform to highlight the transgender community and the non-profit Trans Wellness Center in California.

"Trans folks, just by being ourselves, are skin champions," said Cox.(above) "We go out into the world and face all kinds of discrimination, all kinds of violence, and, sort of, attempts to invalidate who we are."

Cox touted the work of the Trans Wellness Center amid such damaging obstacles. The Los Angeles-based center, established in a collaboration between six local organizations, provides help with housing, employment, and health care for transgender people.

"Our unemployment rate is three times the national average, four times that for trans people of color, and so employment referrals are things that you can get at the Trans Wellness Center, which is so important," she said.

Cox also made the case that people who wish to help the transgender community should donate to organizations like the Trans Wellness Center. She explained that, while national groups do important work, funding local organizations that directly affect people's lives is critical."

For more, go here.

From Both Sides Now

 Before the get started, let me send along my thanks to all of you on several different blogging platforms who sent along birthday wishes. All were very much appreciated!

Now, perhaps you all remember the recent Cyrsti's Condo post concerning Jayde and her very understanding spouse. During my long life, I have had the opportunity to be on both sides of the spousal fence. 

Some of you may remember I met my first wife (and the mother of my only child) in the Army. She found out about my cross dressing desires after a Halloween party. Over an approximate five year relationship it became increasingly evident she didn't really care about my gender leanings. I often thought if I told her I was leaving for a couple weeks to change my sex, she would have said oh well. 

All of this led me to the relationship I started with the cis woman who was to be my wife for twenty five years. Looking back at it, the beginnings of our life together represented the last gasp at my attempts to put my feminine self behind me. Even though I told her I was a cross dresser to start with, I had to aggressively pursue her to embark on a relationship. Essentially I was to win the battle, only to lose the war within myself and with her. 

As the years went by, she never really fought my cross dressing urges but was totally against any suggestion I was transgender. Unfortunately, the longer I fought my transgender urges, the worse our battles became. I am not proud of the times I snuck out when she was at work, only to have her come home and discover my transgression. Essentially to me, I was violating our marriage vows. Plus, she always seemed to hold the upper hand when she told me things like "Be man enough to be a woman."

Ironically, after years of fighting, making up and trying my best to live male, she suddenly passed away from a severe heart attack at the age of fifty. I loved her dearly and it was quite the shock but eventually freed me up to see if I could live full time as a transgender woman. Still I needed help to push through my doubts.

At that point, approximately nine years ago, Liz entered my life. In a complete turnaround, she told me I was a woman and I should go ahead with hormone replacement therapy to feel better. We are still together and I am living happily full time in a feminine world. Finally, the huge weight of being bi-gendered has been lifted from my shoulders. 

I have seen the relationship world from both sides.

Life is but a Circle

 On my 71st birthday, it's time to take a second (or two) to reflect on what has turned out to be a very interesting life. Along with the curse of early struggles with my gender identity, came the discovery of the euphoria from my weak attempts to cross dress and conquer the gender divide. 

Later in life came the times when I was suicidal as I was trying to lead a "bi-gendered" existence. 

Finally, my life came full circle, I accepted being transgender and lived through a very bleak period of my life when I nearly lost everything. I eventually found by doing that, I could start to build my new life as a transgender woman-full time.

I should probably point  out I am a very impatient person and the time it took me to transition was difficult even though it was aided by HRT or hormone replacement therapy. Even then I learned the hard way taking meds in the end result didn't make me any more or less a woman. The desire was completely between my ears.

One way or another life teaches you lessons if you have the ability and/or the where with all to take advantage. Or if you are fortunate to live that long. 

I would be remiss too if I didn't mention the people in my life who loved me and I loved. My partner Liz and daughter Andrea continue the love today. 

Advice is like rear ends, everybody has one. Mine would be don't give up on life. What's true today may be false tomorrow. Life can turn on a dime.  

We Don't Transition Alone

 Those of us who have a spouse who has been along for the transgender journey, very quickly we should learn the spouse occupies a very important position in our transition. 

I have always believed a spouses reaction to her partner's new life is a crucial factor in if the relationship is going to survive. After all, the cis woman is stuck in the middle of what turns out to be often a very selfish endeavor. She gets to watch in person the gender transition of her spouse, for better or for worse. Just think of all the cis women who have been pressured to help in the cross dressing urges with clothes and make up. 

I write pressure because of the urgency to present as a realistic women as possible. Obviously it takes a special person to accompany her spouse down a feminine path and I have an example.

Her name is Veronica and her spouse is actually a nearby acquaintance of mine. Her name is Jade, and here is one of the most awesome messages I have ever read:

 "So when I first came out as trans to my wife, she was so supportive and amazing. The thing I remember most about that conversation was when she looked at me and said, "You know I'm not gay, but I'll be gay for you." I love you to the moon and back!"

Isn't that great? Wow! This is Jayde:

I personally have been on both sides of the spousal situation, from very bad to very good. Which I will explore in an upcoming post.

In the meantime, thanks to Veronica and Jayde for sharing in this extraordinary post!!!

A Transgender First in Belgium

Transgender woman Petra De Sutter has been announced as Belgium's deputy prime minister.

De Sutter is a gynecologist and fertility expert at the University of Ghent, and was elected to the European Parliament last year where she was chair of the Committee on the Internal Market and Consumer Protection.

She’s known for her activism around sexual and reproductive health and on trans issues.

Belgian Green party leader Meyrem Almaci announced De Sutter’s appointment today, as the new government was formed following several days of intense talks.

Congratulations!

Your Inner Child

 Perhaps, one of the most difficult ordeals we go through as transgender women or trans men is taking care of our inner child. I have, like most of you, vivid memories of my earliest experiments with women's clothing when I explored my Mom's wardrobe. Back in those days, I was somehow able to shave my legs and remember the thrill of sliding nylons up my legs. It was all so thrilling but just didn't last.

My inner child was telling me there just had to be more to all of this. In fact, if I had been listening, or had the knowledge, my inner self was trying to tell me I was transgender. Back then, the phrase was years away from even being used. I am referring to the early 1960's. 

Not understanding everything which was going on, of course I reverted back to the male dominated culture I lived in and kept suppressing my inner child. Many times with dire circumstances. I wish I could retrieve and recycle all the time I wasted. I remember all the time I spent daydreaming in study halls about all of the sudden becoming one of the girls I so admired. I erroneously thought the girls possessed all the cards. They didn't have to worry about asking someone out, being a successful athlete or being drafted into the military. I took me years to realize the girls had their own set of problems to worry about.

None of this though,  could sooth any of the tensions my inner girl child was causing. The only thing which did work were the brief times I was by myself and could cross dress and parade in front of the mirror. 

Unfortunately, there was no way to suppress her as I grew older. The more I explored the feminine world and the more accomplished I became doing it, the more I realized I could fulfill my dreams and release my inner girl child.

It turned out to be the best move I ever made.

Stuck in the Middle

 Perhaps you remember the "Stealers Wheel" tune...Stuck in the Middle with You."  It seems this could be an appropriate musical anthem to describe a transgender existence. 

Let's take me for instance. This morning when I woke up, I took the time to look in the mirror and promptly said "Boo." It then occurred to me how different my life has been as I tried for years (and failed) to walk the gender divide. As it turned out, all I was doing was misleading myself. I would have been better off to have followed my transgender leanings years or even decades before. I refused to follow what was natural gender wise for me causing great stress and many problems in my life. 

Now though, through the miracle of hormone replacement therapy and the support of people such as my partner Liz along with my daughter Andrea, I have achieved more in my life than I ever thought possible. For every morning when I say "Boo", there are so many other mornings I am amazed by my breasts, the length of my hair and the softness of my skin. 

Even with all of the wonderful changes, it seems I am still stuck in the middle with myself. Perhaps thoughts such as these are what drive transgender women to "go all the way" and undergo genital realignment surgery. Which I have always rejected as an option for myself. I just can't see such a major costly surgery being worth it at my age along with the committed relationship of nine years I am in. 

So I will most likely end my life as I started it. Stuck in the middle with me.